Tag: bible

The Power That Lives Within

Published on by foolforchrist117Leave a comment

When I became a Christian, many years ago, I asked Jesus to come and live inside me because I wanted a relationship with Him. He has been present since the day I began to follow Him, but there has also been a struggle within me. In fact, I would at times call it a war within me. My inner self wants the Holy Spirit to lead, but there are parts within me that want to be in charge.

We choose who or what we will follow every day. That’s why being aware of what is going on inside us is so important. The apostle Paul wrestled with the same issues. “For I delight in the law of God in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord.” Romans 7:22-25

I’ve read these verses for years, but something caught my eye for the very first time. (I even got goosebumps from this revelation). The word members made me pause. I realized, for the first time, that Paul is actually talking about the parts that live within him. He states his inner self delights in the law of God, but there are parts that are at war within him that are making him captive to the sin that dwells in his parts.

Paul is showing us that he is very aware of what is going on inside of him, therefore, we also need to be aware of what is going on inside of us. We could have parts that are struggling with false or conflicting beliefs, negative thoughts, and sinful behaviors. “Our parts have to have the Holy Spirit involved in order to heal. New life of the Spirit occurs when the inmost self, through the grace of the Holy Spirit, unburdens and heals the parts and the whole self-system experiences a newfound interior unity, an inner harmony and freedom.” Crete

Even though I gave my life to Christ, I can still have parts within me that are attached to sin and are still carrying burdens from my childhood and traumatic experiences. We can have an inner self that is in love with the Lord, and at the same time, have parts that act independently of that love.

Our parts have to be brought into a right relationship with God. That might sound really weird to you, but as Paul states, we have parts within us that are struggling with sin. I have parts who have been traumatized from my childhood and need help overcoming what happened. I have a part within me that has a very hard time believing God will take everything that has happened in my life and set me free from it. I have a skeptic living within me wondering when the next bad thing will happen. I have a part that is very disillusioned, a part that is sarcastic, and a part that hates the way she has been treated. I could go on and on. 

The point is—my parts have to choose to believe God and the transforming work of the Holy Spirit. They need to believe He is working to heal them so they can fully embrace their identity in Christ. The skeptic, the part that jumps into gloom and doom, the part that is disillusioned, the sarcastic one, and the part that hasn’t been treated well, have to come to a point where they are ready to embrace Christ and the healing work of the Holy Spirit. I also have many parts that have already chosen to believe God and have been healed or in the process of being healed by the work of the Holy Spirit. 

Let’s be honest. Most of us don’t live by the power we have within us because we are too busy trying to survive; too busy wanting our own way; too busy trying to please others; too busy with our to-do lists; too busy avoiding what is going on inside of us. I could go on and on because I am guilty of doing all of it. 

We are surviving not thriving. Most of the time, we aren’t even aware of what we are doing. We have to learn to live a different way. We have to be aware of what is going on inside us, pray a lot, and ask the Holy Spirit to help us overcome the way we’ve learned to survive. Again, Paul is a wonderful example of someone who is aware of what is going on inside his body.

“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but the sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.” Romans 7:15-19 

Do you ever feel that way? You keep doing what you don’t want to do or keep saying what you shouldn’t say. You keep having thoughts that condemn yourself or others. You form a habit that you want to break, but have trouble breaking it. You are in a relationship you know isn’t good for you, but you stay in that relationship.  

“When we possess true consciousness, we are wakeful and alert, and we see every moment in the light of our relationship with God and the meaning He gives to our lives.” Crete

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be wakeful and alert to see every moment in the light of our relationship with God and the meaning He gives to our lives? When I was pondering this question, another revelation came to me. “I’ve handed my nervous system over and over again to a lot of people in my life, therefore, allowing their thoughts and reactions to rule over me.”

I’ve been living my life from the definition of insanity. “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I’ve been banging my head against the wall looking to others, instead of God, and the Holy Spirit that lives within me. I’ve been living my life from the way people see me instead of how God sees me.

We must bring attention to the presence of God in our souls. He is always there waiting for us to recognize Him. “We do not lose sight of our focus, which is God Himself. Deep within our souls we experience a kind of unity, a communion between our inmost selves and the transcendent God. When we connect with God in this way, we become aware of a deeper purpose to our lives. We gain a divine perspective.” Crete

I want you to know that living from within is not easy for me. My worker bee parts don’t want to rely on anyone. Neither do my pusher, prodder, task master, pleaser and performer parts. They want to be in control because they feel safer when they are in charge. The good news is, I am now aware of them, and the roles they’ve had to play in order for me to survive.

It’s been extremely HARD for many of my parts to ask the Holy Spirit to come along side them and help them. I have to ask my parts if they want help to heal and move forward. Most of the time, they are receptive, but there are times when they aren’t and that’s okay. 

Relying on God and living from within is not easy. I believe it is a spiritual discipline to live this way. We have to choose to live from the power that lives within us. I’ve been a Christian a long time. I’ve studied scripture for years. I love God’s word. But, there is so much more to our relationship with Christ. We truly live when there is communion between our inner selves, our parts and our transcendent God. We are able to live the way God designed us to live when we invite our parts to heal and be transformed by the Holy Spirit. 

It takes a lot of practice to rely on God and not ourselves. I try to start my day spending time with Him. He needs to be my focus each and every day. I read and journal so I can get my thoughts down on paper. I close may eyes and go within myself and ask the Holy Spirit to be in charge of my day, my thoughts, words and actions. If I know I am going to be in a difficult situation, I ask Him to help the parts that might get activated. I don’t always know what’s going to happen, so I pray for guidance, protection, help, deliverance, wisdom, etc.

I am far from perfect. I struggle daily to put Him first. But, the fact is, we have a Savior who lives within us who wants to help us live our lives. I have to remind myself daily that there is a great power that is living within me. Even after fifty-four years with Christ, I still struggle allowing Him to be Lord over my life. Maybe you do too!

Like Paul stated, “I do what I do not want to do because of the sin that lives within me. I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.” We have to lean on the Holy Spirit because we simply can’t do it on our own.

If you are struggling with allowing the Holy Spirit to be the power that lives within you, I’d like to pray for you. I know how easy it is to forget Who is living inside of me. May this prayer help you awaken the power that lies within you. 

“Lord, You know us better than we do ourselves. We come before You and thank You for living inside of us. Thank you for the power You give us. Thank you for the parts that have developed within us throughout the years. They need You. They need You to sit, listen and talk with them. They need Your healing touch. They might be stuck in the past, and have been deeply hurt. A few might be hanging on to sin because it makes them feel safe and secure. And, some are still struggling to be led by You because of abusive people in their lives. Whatever has happened to them, they need you.

Lord, you know what each part needs. I pray for complete restoration. I pray they will choose to be led by You. Lord, please bring them into a right relationship with You. Help them unload what needs to be unloaded. Help them to trust You. We ask You to never stop working and healing, so they can fully embrace their identity in You. 

You are our hope. You are our answer. Thank you for the power that lives within us. May we tap into it more and more every day. May healing move within us. We thank you and we love you!”

In Jesus precious name we pray, 

AMEN!!!

I am praying this prayer for myself and for all of you! 

Until next time….This is my journey to joy!

There Is Something About The Eyes

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Are you affected by the way someone looks at you? I mean the way their eyes look at you. When I look at someone’s eyes, my surveillance system goes into action. Do I see anger? Do I see acceptance? Do I see love? If I see anger, I usually respond by doing anything I can to get that look out of their eyes. I please and perform or I recoil and run away. 

I’ve often wondered why the eyes have so much power over me. Why do I care? Why do they affect me the way they do? Now, I know why.

“We know from human biology and attachment theory that babies connect with their mothers or caregivers nonverbally and through the eyes. The ‘maternal gaze’ is a beautiful moment of intimacy and profound connection. Unspoken love is communicated through the eyes, and it is a powerful knowing.” Crete

“Unspoken love is communicated through the eyes, and it’s a powerful knowing.” WOW!!!!  Think about it. We receive unspoken love through the eyes from the day we are born. We instinctively know when we aren’t receiving the love and affection we were made to receive. Our inmost self longs for the gaze that makes us feel loved and accepted. We sense what needs to be done so we can receive the unconditional love we yearn for.

I’ve become very good at reading eyes. I had a wonderful mother who showed me eyes of devotion and love, but my dad’s eyes were a different story. His angry eyes were what controlled me. When I saw that look, I went into pleasing mode. I got out of his way by leaving the room he was in. I would also leave the house because I just couldn’t stand to see that look in his eyes. I did everything I could to get rid of it. To this day, if I see that look from someone else, I still react in the same manner. 

How can I, or we, still react the way we do when that person or persons is no longer here? How can something that happened years ago still affect us? I’ve read and studied and counseled for years trying to understand why the eyes have so much power over me. Even though I received the love and acceptance I needed from my mom, my dad’s eyes were the ones that impacted me. Like most things in life, the negative has more power over the positive.

There is much to know about how our brains work. As we mature, our brains develop neural pathways that grow deep roots in responding a certain way. That’s why something that happened years ago can still run our lives. But, here’s the good news. God also gave us a brain that can develop new pathways so we aren’t stuck responding the same way forever. We actually have the ability to rewire our brains to respond differently.

The rewiring process takes time and a lot of patience. You have to get in touch with your inner self and the parts that you’ve developed through the years. I read a lot. I also have a counselor that helps me. And, I pray and ask Jesus to help my parts heal. Especially, the part that has so many issues with the eyes.  

“Our inner world is often under attack by lies and false beliefs. Our distorted God images and our low self-esteem cause us to experience high levels of anxiety. One of the ways God protects us from this is to reveal His true nature and affirm our true identity as His children. He does this by empathizing with us, and then lifting us up so that we no longer live in fear. Jesus loves in a way that defies all logic and convention.” Crete

When I accepted Christ into my life, I was twelve years old. Even at the ripe old age of twelve, I instinctively knew I needed Jesus. At that time in my life, I couldn’t admit I was abused. I didn’t realize how messed up I was. I didn’t have a clue what my journey with Christ was going to be like, but I just knew I made the right decision. I’ve always known He was the only way I was going to survive. 

I want to be as honest and transparent as I can be with you. Yes, I’ve had a deep relationship with Christ for fifty-four years. I believe everything He says in His word. I still want to live out my days following Him. But, there are parts within me that still need His healing touch. They have issues to overcome. There are still parts that wrestle with Him over the things that have happened. I’ve had to realize it might take a lifetime to heal, but knowing that “He who began a good work in you will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Jesus Christ returns,” brings me comfort. Philippians 1:6

Let’s get back to the eyes. I need to see the loving eyes of Jesus. But, how do we look into His eyes when we can’t really see Him? How do we train our brains and our parts to look for His eyes?

God has always been faithful to bring a book, a Bible study, scripture, and even social media posts to help me when I am struggling. (Yes, there are positive social media posts!) I happened to be scrolling on Instagram and saw a post of Frances Chan speaking at a conference. He was standing on stage with his daughter beside him. He was talking about how excited he was to be able to be there with his daughter. Then, he gave his daughter a big hug and while he was holding her, he said these words, ”Does your prayer life look anything like this? Be honest. Is this how you feel when you pray? Just absolutely secure. Seriously, think about your time with the Lord this morning. Did it look like this?”

I began crying and thinking, “Do I realize every single day that I am God’s daughter? Do I picture the Lord holding me? Do I see Him the way I should? Can I picture Him looking at me with love in His eyes? Do I allow Him to make me feel secure and safe? Do I feel like I am worthy of all of that?” 

If I am to be perfectly honest, my answer to those questions was,“No!” But, I want to feel Him holding me and loving me. I want to feel like I am safe and secure. I want to feel like I am worthy of all of that. I want to see Him lovingly looking at me. I want His gaze to carry me through my days instead of the awful memories I have of my dad looking at me.

I knew I needed to find an image of Jesus that showed Him smiling with laughter and love in His eyes. I searched for images online until I found the right one. I took a picture of it and stored it on my phone. Now, I have a visual reminder of who Jesus is to me. Until I see Jesus face to face, I will gaze at the picture stored on my phone and reflect on the look in His eyes.

He is our gentle, healing presence. Hosea 11:34 He is living among us. Hosea 11:9  He hears us cry out and rescues us from our troubles. He is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:17-18

“Even though others have hurt us and betrayed us, our loving God loves us and is with us. He wants to relieve us of our burdens and take us to safety. We can ask God for His peace and allow His love to sit with us a bit today.” Crete

My daily challenge is to look at the face of Jesus I have on my phone. I close my eyes and picture Him holding me and smiling at me. I look for the love in His eyes. I must remember His eyes above all others. I must remember He brings safety and security and He cares for every single part I have within me.

I know how hard it is to see Jesus the way we should. Some days are easier than others, but I am going to keep putting one foot in front of the other walking towards Him. He knows there is much to overcome, but He is the One who brings restoration and new life within us. 

I pray my words will minister to you. I pray God will give us eyes to see Him as He truly is. There are many things in this world that try to take us down, but if we can keep our eyes focused on Him and His truth, He will give us what we need to endure. We are in Him and He is in us. 

John 14:18-20  

      “No, I will not abandon you as orphans—I will come to you. Soon the world will no longer see me, but you will see me. Since I live, you also will live. When I am raised to life again, you will know that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.”

Until next time dear friends. This is my journey to joy!

What’s Anger Got To Do With It?

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You might think it strange that I pick a topic like anger to talk about during the holiday season. To be honest, I’d rather not talk about anger. But, God has been gently prodding me to look at myself, face the anger that has been buried deep within, so I can heal, learn, and make changes in my life. Who wants to admit they have anger issues? Does anyone really admit they do? It’s a topic you just don’t sit down and talk about over a cup of coffee.

It’s also a topic that people don’t like to admit they have a problem with. When is the last time you heard someone say, “I’d like to talk with you about the anger I have within me?” I’d venture to say that rarely happens. But, once again, God calls me to talk about something that I’d rather not talk about. (He’s really good at doing that!)

So, here is my story with anger. When I was growing up, my father was especially difficult to live with during the holidays. I don’t know why he was the way he was. He was definitely a Scrooge. I would ask my mom why he was even angrier at that time of year, but she didn’t have an answer. I think she was afraid to ask him why the holidays set him off. My mom, brother and I tried so hard to get him to enjoy Christmas by being on our best behavior and being thankful for what we got. But no matter how hard we tried, he was still a Scrooge. 

We always knew when my dad was angry, but my anger developed into something very different than my dad’s. You didn’t see mine very often. My explosion was happening deep within me. You would never know I am angry because I am not going to let you see it. I made a pact with myself when I was a child not to react like my father…ever! So, I buried and pushed aside my true feelings and allowed them to simmer deep within me. Which is so very healthy to do! (Sarcasm)

I might not be screaming and yelling outwardly, but inwardly, I am screaming. The words might not be coming out of my mouth, but I am thinking them. The problem with living like this is the fact that my heart is angry whether I say the words out loud or not. 

You might also say that the anger I see, or sense in others, frightens parts of me more than I can express. My body still reacts like it did when I was a child. I shake, freeze up and become very uncomfortable. I want to get away from the anger as fast as I can. But here’s the good news…  God is making me very aware of my anger issues, and being aware of how anger affects me, is helping me deal with it. 

Bottom line…anger is a heart issue. If we don’t deal with our anger, we allow resentment and bitterness to fester, and that my friends, is never good! When I look back at my life, and the years I had with my dad, I remember a man who was taken over by his anger. He wasn’t living his life for Jesus. He was living from a very sick and angry heart. He was allowing the wrong things to rule his life. Watching him day after day live like this, had a deep impact on me. He broke my heart on a daily basis.

An angry heart not only affects the person who is angry, but it also has a deep impact on the people who love that person. We must remember that fact. If you are angry, your anger is going to impact the lives of others. There is no way others aren’t going to be affected by your anger. So, we have to deal with the anger that lives within us, so we don’t hurt the relationships we have with others.

In order to talk about anger, we must look at what scripture says. Let me share some verses with you.

James 1:20 “The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

Colossians 3:8 “But now also put these things out of your life: anger, bad temper, doing or saying things to hurt others, and using evil words when you talk.” 

Ecclesiastes 7:9 “Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.”

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be a fool. Most of us have many reasons to be angry, but the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. I grew up thinking most of my anger was righteous because my dad was abusing me. But, now I understand that letting anger take root, no matter the circumstances, isn’t healthy or good and is a sin. We must take our anger, our bad tempers, our evil words and lay them at the feet of Jesus.  

I know most of us have been wronged at some point in our lives. We feel justified to be angry. We are human and we are going to get angry, but God is the only one who is equipped to handle our anger because He is righteous and we are not.

“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written:

‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” Romans 12:19

I am going to be completely honest. It’s hard for me, to admit to you, what I am about to say. I wanted my dad to die many, many times, so we could be rid of him and his hurtful ways. I wanted him to go away and never come back. His continual abuse ruined my brother and almost ruined me. That verse from Romans, made me stop in my tracks so many times and turn to God. I would pray and ask for forgiveness for my thoughts and ask for God to deal with my dad and avenge the many wrongs.

My sweet momma prayed for my dad every single day. I would be so mad at him, she would be too, but she would automatically pray. I can still hear her words so vividly. “Laurie, we must pray for those who hurt us. We must pray for your dad’s heart to change. We must pray for our own hearts to be right before the Lord.”  

I pray this verse all the time. “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.”  Psalm 51:10

Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” 

My mom knew our battle wasn’t against flesh and blood. I had a harder time accepting that fact because my dad was doing so much damage. Even though, I felt like I was in a battle every day with my dad, I was really in a battle against the evil he was allowing to reign in his life. I am now able to see that evil was trying to take me and my family down. But by the grace of God, and a very stubborn spirit within me, I wasn’t going to let Satan win in my life. 

“For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12

“The human heart is capable of staggering evil.” Hansen  

I actually feel like I’ve been in a fight against evil since the day I was born. If we are light, then we will be fighting darkness. Satan does not want us to win. He doesn’t want unity. He doesn’t want love to reign. He wants families torn apart. He wants us fighting each other causing all kinds of harm. He wants division within all of us. 

Look, I know how difficult it is to not be offended by others. God made aware of how easily I become offended this past year. It’s human to get angry, but we can’t hang on to it. When I get angry, I try to stop what I am doing and start talking to God. I tell Him how I feel, ask for forgiveness and then ask for His help with my anger. Then, comes the hard part. I pray for the person, who is ticking me off, and ask God to help me forgive them. I do this so bitterness, anger and contempt doesn’t take root in my heart. I KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS TO DO!!!!

I am speaking to myself as much as I am you. I have failed many, many times in this area of my life. We are really good at pointing out how people tick us off, but here are some questions we must ask ourselves. (Take a deep breath) Why am I so angry? Is there unresolved anger in my heart? Am I bitter? Am I resentful? What does my heart look like towards someone? Hard questions to ask, but very necessary so we can react differently to anger within ourselves and others. 

We have to see people and ourselves for who we are. Everyone is a sinner in need of a Savior. There are some people who are living from an evil heart. There are some living from a broken heart. There are some living from an angry heart. Some people just don’t care if they hurt you. We have to learn to be like Jesus. “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.” Luke 23:24 

“Im not responsible for changing people’s lives. I’m responsible for faithfully loving them. As a believer, that means pointing them to a God who dearly wants them and for whom I happen to know they yearn. I don’t control anyone, because that’s God’s job. That’s His deal. I can just enjoy and love people.” Hansen

Let me say this to anyone who is struggling with an angry person in your life. It is not your job to change them. I wish I would have learned that lesson a lot sooner in my life. When you love someone, you want to see them happy, but it is not your job to make them happy. You will end up hurting yourself in the long run. 

The holidays can bring out all kinds of emotions in people. I’ve lived it and seen it. I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned. We have to be on the offensive. Pray before you go to a party or a gathering. Realize there are going to be people there who might make you angry. Ask God to give you a clean heart and a right spirit within you and be ready to forgive. You are responsible for you and no one else. PRAY!

Remember, it is God’s job to work in their lives and in ours too. We must let go of our expectations and agendas for God and let Him work the way He knows is best. I know how hard it is to do that! We have to lean on Him for everything; be in communication with Him constantly; listen to what He wants us to say or do; and live our lives by giving each and every day and situation to Him. 

Merry Christmas everyone! Thank you for reading my posts. I pray the Lord is using them to help you in your walk with Christ. I am so grateful to God for allowing me to write and share with you what He has done and is doing in my life. I give Him all the praise and glory! I wouldn’t want to do life without Him. Looking forward to what He will show us in 2026. Let’s get ready to see a great light!

“The people walking in darkness have seen a great light.” Isaiah 9:2

Until next time dear friends. This is my journey to joy.

When You Lose Your Way

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I can’t believe we are already at the end of September. I’ve missed writing, but sometimes I just need to step back…read, journal, pray, listen and learn. It’s been that kind of summer. I knew there was something deep within me that needed to be addressed, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was.

Have you ever had an experience, when you are reading something that stops you dead in your tracks and makes you think, “Oh my goodness. That’s me. I didn’t realize this is the issue I’ve been struggling with, but it explains so much!”  Here are the words I read. 

“I know the way my life has to go, and God’s not getting it right.” Quote by Tim Keller

After I read those words, I immediately burst into tears. I began to question myself. I hated to admit that I felt like God wasn’t getting it right, but those words explained so much to me. I felt the Lord gently say to me, “I am going to reveal to you why you feel this way. There are some issues from your past that I’d like for you to remember, so you can understand why you feel this way. Take hold of my hand and let’s take a walk down memory lane.” 

Since I was a little girl, I knew the way my dad acted and the words that came out of his mouth weren’t right. I knew I had to do something, so I became what I needed to be, and did what I needed to do, in order to survive. I relied on myself because I knew the way my life needed to go.

I developed strategies to make it through each day. For example: I knew to stay away from my dad as much as possible. Don’t talk to dad; talk to mom. Don’t bring up issues at the dinner table. (It was one of the most explosive times of day for him for some reason) Make good grades or else. Go to Mom for money. I had to rely on my strategies because I knew the way my life had to go.

Jesus entered the picture when I was twelve years old. My mom accepted Jesus into her heart the year before. As I watched her develop a relationship with Christ, I decided I wanted a relationship with Him too. I immediately wanted to learn more by reading the Bible, getting  involved in youth group and going to church on a regular basis. I was “doing” everything I could do to help me grow in my relationship with Christ because I knew this was the way my life has to go. 

A few years later, my dad said he wanted to start going to church. Then one Sunday, he stood up and said that he had given his life to Christ. We were so excited because we thought he would change his ways, but that didn’t happen. He was still angry and abusive towards us. He was a great charmer, so he acted one way in public and a completely different way at home. I began to think, “God, something is wrong here. He should be changing and He isn’t. Are you sure He gave His life to You?”

Only the neighbors knew how bad my home life was because they saw him and heard him. No one in my family ever talked about his behavior and that didn’t sit right with me. I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to do something to make him change. Abuse wasn’t a word you heard very often and it certainly wasn’t talked about when I was growing up. I don’t think my mom thought it was right to talk about it. I was a very frustrated young lady because I didn’t think my parents or God or even the church was getting it right. 

One of the biggest problems for me was the fact that I wanted the “fairytale” life. I wanted my dad to be loving and kind. I wanted my family to enjoy being together. I wanted love, acceptance, kindness and goodness to flow. I wanted it so badly that it took over my life. I just had to do what I needed to do to make it happen because that was the way my life needed to go. 

I also needed to feel safe and I was going to do what I needed to do to be safe. Anything that threatened my safety, needed to be dealt with. I would usually go into hyper pleasing and performing mode; drive myself crazy trying to keep everyone else happy; accomplish unrealistic tasks; and do what I had to do to keep the peace at any cost because that was the way I needed my life to go.

Then, came the day that my brother committed suicide. The world, I worked so hard to create, came crashing down. Everything I did to keep myself safe, no longer worked. I lost control over everything. My body started panicking and I fell apart. This wasn’t in my plan of the way my life has to go. “God are you sure you are getting this right?”

Since my brother’s death, my body and my mind have been in a battle over what happened to me and my brother. There’s been a war going on inside me. I’ve been so confused and upset with God over so many issues, but it wasn’t until this summer that my eyes were opened to how much I was still living my life the way I thought it should go.

It makes sense that an abused child would feel this way. We are children with tightly clinched fists. We don’t want to give up what we feel is necessary to help us survive and feel safe. We didn’t experience anyone coming to our rescue, so we hang on to anything that makes our lives go the way we think it needs to go. 

Here’s an example of what hanging on to anything looks like. When you are around childen, you will probably witness them hanging on to a toy, not wanting to share. They almost seem scared to let it go and are determined to keep it. You watch them struggle to let go of that toy because it brings them comfort. They simply don’t understand why they need to give it up.

You try to reason with the child and tell them, “It’s okay to give me the toy. I will take care of it for you.” But, the child is thinking, “Will I really be okay without it? I think I would rather hang on to it for awhile. That toy makes me feel safe, happy and in control.”

I think most of us feel the same way as a the child with the toy.  We want to hang on to our way of doing things because we feel safer. We don’t want to let go because we aren’t sure God will get it right. One of the hardest concepts for me to grasp is the fact that I am okay and will be okay even when my circumstances aren’t going my way. 

While I was mulling over what God was showing me this Summer, I was watching The Chosen. Night after night, I would watch the disciples struggle with who Jesus was. They knew He was the Messiah, but they didn’t understand what that really meant; why He dealt with people the way He did; why He healed some and didn’t others; why He forgave and loved people; why He had to die on the cross. They questioned and debated all the time. They were constantly confused because Jesus didn’t act the way they thought He should. 

An epiphany came to me while I was watching the disciples. I’ve been living most of my life like them. I’ve had my version of how I think God is supposed to act; how He is supposed to respond to me; how He is supposed to answer my prayers; how He is supposed to move in my life. No wonder I’ve been so frustrated and anxious. He hasn’t been operating the way I thought He should. And that, my friends, is a revelation that has helped me understand so much about myself.

I’d like to say this. No matter what you are going through, God is getting it right. We might have our doubts, but He knows what He is doing. He doesn’t make mistakes. He has a plan and a purpose for everything.

While I was writing this post, the Holy Spirit reminded me of three people from the Old Testament. Joseph (the one with the coat of many colors), Job and Esther. You can find the story of Joseph in Genesis 37-50, Job’s story in the book of Job, and Esther’s story in the book of Esther.

I’d like to share some verses from each of their stories that have impacted me. 

Joseph    Genesis 50:20 “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” 

Job    Job 1:21-22 “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised. In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.” 

Esther    Esther 4:14 “For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”

Joseph was mistreated by his brothers and sold into slavery. Job lost everything. Esther was taken from her home and put into the king’s harem. I am pretty sure what happened to them wasn’t the way they thought their life should go. But, God was with them. He had a plan to bring good from their difficult circumstances and He did. He always does. He got it right!

In light of everything that is going on in our world, God’s words still ring true. Whatever has harmed you, God will use it for good. No matter what we’ve lost, may we still have the ability to praise Him for what He has given us and what He has taken away. (I know. That’s a tough one!) If you are alive right now, you are here, for such a time as this.

When I thought He wasn’t getting it right, He was. When I thought my way was better, it wasn’t. 

Years ago, when God asked me to write about my mental health struggles, I didn’t think He was right. I thought He was crazy. I argued and argued with Him. And then one day, I gave in. I didn’t know what I was doing, but God did. 

This is what I know… The harm that was inflicted on us will be used for good. It’s essential to praise Him in the good and bad times, even if it is really hard. You and I are on this earth for such a time as this. 

My time with Him this summer has given me healing and clarity. Yes, it’s hard to look back sometimes. Yes, it’s  hard to look at yourself and realize what you’ve been doing to survive. But, I wouldn’t trade this time with Him for anything. I would love to encourage you to do the same. Open your heart and mind to God. He will show you the way you should go.   

Let me leave you with this. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

Until next time dear friends. This is my journey to joy.