Category: grief, abuse, suicide, trauma, healing,

There Is Something About The Eyes

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Are you affected by the way someone looks at you? I mean the way their eyes look at you. When I look at someone’s eyes, my surveillance system goes into action. Do I see anger? Do I see acceptance? Do I see love? If I see anger, I usually respond by doing anything I can to get that look out of their eyes. I please and perform or I recoil and run away. 

I’ve often wondered why the eyes have so much power over me. Why do I care? Why do they affect me the way they do? Now, I know why.

“We know from human biology and attachment theory that babies connect with their mothers or caregivers nonverbally and through the eyes. The ‘maternal gaze’ is a beautiful moment of intimacy and profound connection. Unspoken love is communicated through the eyes, and it is a powerful knowing.” Crete

“Unspoken love is communicated through the eyes, and it’s a powerful knowing.” WOW!!!!  Think about it. We receive unspoken love through the eyes from the day we are born. We instinctively know when we aren’t receiving the love and affection we were made to receive. Our inmost self longs for the gaze that makes us feel loved and accepted. We sense what needs to be done so we can receive the unconditional love we yearn for.

I’ve become very good at reading eyes. I had a wonderful mother who showed me eyes of devotion and love, but my dad’s eyes were a different story. His angry eyes were what controlled me. When I saw that look, I went into pleasing mode. I got out of his way by leaving the room he was in. I would also leave the house because I just couldn’t stand to see that look in his eyes. I did everything I could to get rid of it. To this day, if I see that look from someone else, I still react in the same manner. 

How can I, or we, still react the way we do when that person or persons is no longer here? How can something that happened years ago still affect us? I’ve read and studied and counseled for years trying to understand why the eyes have so much power over me. Even though I received the love and acceptance I needed from my mom, my dad’s eyes were the ones that impacted me. Like most things in life, the negative has more power over the positive.

There is much to know about how our brains work. As we mature, our brains develop neural pathways that grow deep roots in responding a certain way. That’s why something that happened years ago can still run our lives. But, here’s the good news. God also gave us a brain that can develop new pathways so we aren’t stuck responding the same way forever. We actually have the ability to rewire our brains to respond differently.

The rewiring process takes time and a lot of patience. You have to get in touch with your inner self and the parts that you’ve developed through the years. I read a lot. I also have a counselor that helps me. And, I pray and ask Jesus to help my parts heal. Especially, the part that has so many issues with the eyes.  

“Our inner world is often under attack by lies and false beliefs. Our distorted God images and our low self-esteem cause us to experience high levels of anxiety. One of the ways God protects us from this is to reveal His true nature and affirm our true identity as His children. He does this by empathizing with us, and then lifting us up so that we no longer live in fear. Jesus loves in a way that defies all logic and convention.” Crete

When I accepted Christ into my life, I was twelve years old. Even at the ripe old age of twelve, I instinctively knew I needed Jesus. At that time in my life, I couldn’t admit I was abused. I didn’t realize how messed up I was. I didn’t have a clue what my journey with Christ was going to be like, but I just knew I made the right decision. I’ve always known He was the only way I was going to survive. 

I want to be as honest and transparent as I can be with you. Yes, I’ve had a deep relationship with Christ for fifty-four years. I believe everything He says in His word. I still want to live out my days following Him. But, there are parts within me that still need His healing touch. They have issues to overcome. There are still parts that wrestle with Him over the things that have happened. I’ve had to realize it might take a lifetime to heal, but knowing that “He who began a good work in you will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Jesus Christ returns,” brings me comfort. Philippians 1:6

Let’s get back to the eyes. I need to see the loving eyes of Jesus. But, how do we look into His eyes when we can’t really see Him? How do we train our brains and our parts to look for His eyes?

God has always been faithful to bring a book, a Bible study, scripture, and even social media posts to help me when I am struggling. (Yes, there are positive social media posts!) I happened to be scrolling on Instagram and saw a post of Frances Chan speaking at a conference. He was standing on stage with his daughter beside him. He was talking about how excited he was to be able to be there with his daughter. Then, he gave his daughter a big hug and while he was holding her, he said these words, ”Does your prayer life look anything like this? Be honest. Is this how you feel when you pray? Just absolutely secure. Seriously, think about your time with the Lord this morning. Did it look like this?”

I began crying and thinking, “Do I realize every single day that I am God’s daughter? Do I picture the Lord holding me? Do I see Him the way I should? Can I picture Him looking at me with love in His eyes? Do I allow Him to make me feel secure and safe? Do I feel like I am worthy of all of that?” 

If I am to be perfectly honest, my answer to those questions was,“No!” But, I want to feel Him holding me and loving me. I want to feel like I am safe and secure. I want to feel like I am worthy of all of that. I want to see Him lovingly looking at me. I want His gaze to carry me through my days instead of the awful memories I have of my dad looking at me.

I knew I needed to find an image of Jesus that showed Him smiling with laughter and love in His eyes. I searched for images online until I found the right one. I took a picture of it and stored it on my phone. Now, I have a visual reminder of who Jesus is to me. Until I see Jesus face to face, I will gaze at the picture stored on my phone and reflect on the look in His eyes.

He is our gentle, healing presence. Hosea 11:34 He is living among us. Hosea 11:9  He hears us cry out and rescues us from our troubles. He is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:17-18

“Even though others have hurt us and betrayed us, our loving God loves us and is with us. He wants to relieve us of our burdens and take us to safety. We can ask God for His peace and allow His love to sit with us a bit today.” Crete

My daily challenge is to look at the face of Jesus I have on my phone. I close my eyes and picture Him holding me and smiling at me. I look for the love in His eyes. I must remember His eyes above all others. I must remember He brings safety and security and He cares for every single part I have within me.

I know how hard it is to see Jesus the way we should. Some days are easier than others, but I am going to keep putting one foot in front of the other walking towards Him. He knows there is much to overcome, but He is the One who brings restoration and new life within us. 

I pray my words will minister to you. I pray God will give us eyes to see Him as He truly is. There are many things in this world that try to take us down, but if we can keep our eyes focused on Him and His truth, He will give us what we need to endure. We are in Him and He is in us. 

John 14:18-20  

      “No, I will not abandon you as orphans—I will come to you. Soon the world will no longer see me, but you will see me. Since I live, you also will live. When I am raised to life again, you will know that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.”

Until next time dear friends. This is my journey to joy!

There’s A Lot Going On In There

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Happy Spring! It’s so good to be writing again. The picture, that I am using for this post, is a symbolic view of how I feel on the inside most of the time. I can’t believe I am allowing myself to use this photo and be this transparent! I guess you could say that I feel like a weirdo most days. And maybe, there might just be some of you that feel the same way I do!

My husband just retired and the reality of being in this phase of life has been a bit unsettling and overwhelming. How am I already here? My life is two thirds over, and frankly, I am not ready for that reality. I’ve spent so many years just trying to survive that I don’t feel like I’ve had very much time to thrive. 

I am very grateful I’ve made it to this stage of life, but it’s been a hard road for me. I still struggle with some of the things that happened to me as a child. But, through my struggles, God is showing me how He made our bodies to work. The more I learn, the more I am blown away by God. 

“Each person has an internal system with individual parts. Our parts have memories, feelings, beliefs, perspectives and impulses that are unique to them. There are parts that hold negative beliefs and painful feelings associated with challenging and traumatic life experiences and that remain integrated. A wounded part carries a burden from a past trauma. This part may be stuck at a child’s developmental stage.” Crete

I’ve known, for a very long time, that I have some parts that are stuck in my childhood. One of those parts struggles with her self-image. She is easily triggered by the comments of others. She has a hard time believing she is worthy. She has many negative beliefs and feelings because she was deeply wounded by her dad and others. When she looks in the mirror, she can only see the things that are wrong with her. This part thinks, “There must be something wrong with me or I would have been treated better.” She is one of my parts that has really struggled moving forward.

All of us are made with an inner system. At the center of our inner system, is our inner self or true self. “This is where there is calm, compassion, courage, creativity, clarity, curiosity, connectedness, patience, persistence, perspective, playfulness, and presence.” Crete  Then, we have our parts that flow from our inner selves. 

I realize the concept of parts and having an inner system might seem foreign to you, but hang in there with me. What I am going to share with you is going to make sense and help you understand why you are the way you are. I saw an illustration of our parts and inner self that has helped me understand what is going on inside of us. 

The illustration I saw had a circle drawn on a page. Inside the middle of the circle, “inner self” was written. Then, there were lines coming from the circle. It looked like a rough drawing of the sun. The lines represent the parts we have. So, I decided to draw a circle in my journal with lines coming from the circle. Then, I put the names of the parts I have on the lines coming from the circle. 

Now, be prepared to have your mind blown!!!! If you have any doubts about the concept of parts and inner self, what I am going to share with you will make this concept clearer.

“Although God is One. God is also a harmony of three divine persons.” Crete

Three parts. One God. “God is both unity and a multiplicity. And as created beings made in God’s likeness, we share in some manner this inner multiplicity.” Crete

I read those words over and over again and threw my notebook down. I got up from my chair and walked around. I got shivers all over my body. My God also has parts. I mean I kind of knew that, but I didn’t understand the depth of this concept.

Now, let’s take this a step further. In scripture, “God reveals Himself as a Creator, a Helper, a Savior, a Rock, a Refuge, a Consuming Fire, a gracious and compassionate Sovereign, a Judge, a Burning Bush, and even a Cloud.” Crete

After I read those words, I drew another circle. Inside this one I wrote “GOD.” Then, I drew lines from the circle and wrote on each line Creator, Helper, Savior, Rock, Refuge, Consuming Fire, Sovereign, Judge, Burning Bush, Cloud. There are also so many more!

We are told in Genesis, that we are made in God’s image. So, that means the parts of our self-system express the multi-dimensional nature of who we are. We have parts that have roles in our lives, just like God does. I am convinced, more than ever, that we have an internal system that wants to be in harmony with our Creator because He made us that way!

God is three persons one God. We are one person with many parts that take on roles in our lives. We develop our parts or roles as we develop during the many phases of our lives. Remember, our parts have feelings, memories, beliefs, perspectives and impulses. 

I mentioned, at the beginning of my post, that I’ve spent so many years of my life surviving instead of thriving. I have many parts that have been in survival mode for so long, that they are having a hard time realizing they don’t have to function that way any more. That’s why healing has been a much longer process than I thought it would be. There are layers and layers of hurt and pain that have kept them in a vicious cycle of survival. 

When I lost my mom two years ago, my parts strongly reacted to losing her. My inner system was turned upside down. She was a secure connection for me. She was someone I could count on. She was the parent who showed me unconditional love and she was also the strongest influence in my life. 

The first year she was gone, some of my parts coasted through that year because I think some of them were in shock. But, when the second year hit, my parts started unraveling. My brain knew she was healed and happy to be with Jesus. But, my body and my parts were freaking out because she was gone. She was a life line for me. 

I’ve shared this statement before, but I will share it again. “Our minds can forget what happened to us, but our bodies never forget.” That’s why it is so important that we learn to work with our parts and listen to them. We have to go deep within ourselves and ask God to help our parts and realize He is a secure connection for us. He is right there, in the center of our being, ready to help us move forward.

My journey has not been easy. But, I am so thankful that I have a part within me that has a stubborn persistence to pursue answers and truth in my life. That part has kept me determined to follow God. Without God, I’m not so sure I could have survived my relationship with my dad.

I have so much more to share, but I am going to stop here for now. I will continue to talk about our parts in the next post. I find the fact that God made us with an inner system quite fascinating. The way our parts work and the fact that He is at the center of our being is really amazing. I pray what I’ve shared and will share, will be extremely helpful to you with your own journey. 

“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed; A Stronghold in times of trouble.” Psalm 9:9

I have to be reminded constantly that Jesus is functioning at the center of my being. My parts need Him desperately. so they can move forward and heal. He is our Secure Connection. He is our Stronghold. He is our Redemption. He is our Refuge. He is our way back to Restoration. He is the healer of our parts.

There is so much more to share with you. I’ve just scratched the surface in this post. Please take the time to go within yourself. Grab your journal and draw the illustration of the circle and the parts. Ask God to show you your parts. Listen to Him. Get to know your parts because they have a lot to say. I know, from personal experience, it’s awkward at first to go within and find your parts. Be patient and be kind with yourself. This work is worth the time and the effort! 

Until next time dear friends. This is my journey to joy (and thriving!!!!)

When You Lose Your Way

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I can’t believe we are already at the end of September. I’ve missed writing, but sometimes I just need to step back…read, journal, pray, listen and learn. It’s been that kind of summer. I knew there was something deep within me that needed to be addressed, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was.

Have you ever had an experience, when you are reading something that stops you dead in your tracks and makes you think, “Oh my goodness. That’s me. I didn’t realize this is the issue I’ve been struggling with, but it explains so much!”  Here are the words I read. 

“I know the way my life has to go, and God’s not getting it right.” Quote by Tim Keller

After I read those words, I immediately burst into tears. I began to question myself. I hated to admit that I felt like God wasn’t getting it right, but those words explained so much to me. I felt the Lord gently say to me, “I am going to reveal to you why you feel this way. There are some issues from your past that I’d like for you to remember, so you can understand why you feel this way. Take hold of my hand and let’s take a walk down memory lane.” 

Since I was a little girl, I knew the way my dad acted and the words that came out of his mouth weren’t right. I knew I had to do something, so I became what I needed to be, and did what I needed to do, in order to survive. I relied on myself because I knew the way my life needed to go.

I developed strategies to make it through each day. For example: I knew to stay away from my dad as much as possible. Don’t talk to dad; talk to mom. Don’t bring up issues at the dinner table. (It was one of the most explosive times of day for him for some reason) Make good grades or else. Go to Mom for money. I had to rely on my strategies because I knew the way my life had to go.

Jesus entered the picture when I was twelve years old. My mom accepted Jesus into her heart the year before. As I watched her develop a relationship with Christ, I decided I wanted a relationship with Him too. I immediately wanted to learn more by reading the Bible, getting  involved in youth group and going to church on a regular basis. I was “doing” everything I could do to help me grow in my relationship with Christ because I knew this was the way my life has to go. 

A few years later, my dad said he wanted to start going to church. Then one Sunday, he stood up and said that he had given his life to Christ. We were so excited because we thought he would change his ways, but that didn’t happen. He was still angry and abusive towards us. He was a great charmer, so he acted one way in public and a completely different way at home. I began to think, “God, something is wrong here. He should be changing and He isn’t. Are you sure He gave His life to You?”

Only the neighbors knew how bad my home life was because they saw him and heard him. No one in my family ever talked about his behavior and that didn’t sit right with me. I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to do something to make him change. Abuse wasn’t a word you heard very often and it certainly wasn’t talked about when I was growing up. I don’t think my mom thought it was right to talk about it. I was a very frustrated young lady because I didn’t think my parents or God or even the church was getting it right. 

One of the biggest problems for me was the fact that I wanted the “fairytale” life. I wanted my dad to be loving and kind. I wanted my family to enjoy being together. I wanted love, acceptance, kindness and goodness to flow. I wanted it so badly that it took over my life. I just had to do what I needed to do to make it happen because that was the way my life needed to go. 

I also needed to feel safe and I was going to do what I needed to do to be safe. Anything that threatened my safety, needed to be dealt with. I would usually go into hyper pleasing and performing mode; drive myself crazy trying to keep everyone else happy; accomplish unrealistic tasks; and do what I had to do to keep the peace at any cost because that was the way I needed my life to go.

Then, came the day that my brother committed suicide. The world, I worked so hard to create, came crashing down. Everything I did to keep myself safe, no longer worked. I lost control over everything. My body started panicking and I fell apart. This wasn’t in my plan of the way my life has to go. “God are you sure you are getting this right?”

Since my brother’s death, my body and my mind have been in a battle over what happened to me and my brother. There’s been a war going on inside me. I’ve been so confused and upset with God over so many issues, but it wasn’t until this summer that my eyes were opened to how much I was still living my life the way I thought it should go.

It makes sense that an abused child would feel this way. We are children with tightly clinched fists. We don’t want to give up what we feel is necessary to help us survive and feel safe. We didn’t experience anyone coming to our rescue, so we hang on to anything that makes our lives go the way we think it needs to go. 

Here’s an example of what hanging on to anything looks like. When you are around childen, you will probably witness them hanging on to a toy, not wanting to share. They almost seem scared to let it go and are determined to keep it. You watch them struggle to let go of that toy because it brings them comfort. They simply don’t understand why they need to give it up.

You try to reason with the child and tell them, “It’s okay to give me the toy. I will take care of it for you.” But, the child is thinking, “Will I really be okay without it? I think I would rather hang on to it for awhile. That toy makes me feel safe, happy and in control.”

I think most of us feel the same way as a the child with the toy.  We want to hang on to our way of doing things because we feel safer. We don’t want to let go because we aren’t sure God will get it right. One of the hardest concepts for me to grasp is the fact that I am okay and will be okay even when my circumstances aren’t going my way. 

While I was mulling over what God was showing me this Summer, I was watching The Chosen. Night after night, I would watch the disciples struggle with who Jesus was. They knew He was the Messiah, but they didn’t understand what that really meant; why He dealt with people the way He did; why He healed some and didn’t others; why He forgave and loved people; why He had to die on the cross. They questioned and debated all the time. They were constantly confused because Jesus didn’t act the way they thought He should. 

An epiphany came to me while I was watching the disciples. I’ve been living most of my life like them. I’ve had my version of how I think God is supposed to act; how He is supposed to respond to me; how He is supposed to answer my prayers; how He is supposed to move in my life. No wonder I’ve been so frustrated and anxious. He hasn’t been operating the way I thought He should. And that, my friends, is a revelation that has helped me understand so much about myself.

I’d like to say this. No matter what you are going through, God is getting it right. We might have our doubts, but He knows what He is doing. He doesn’t make mistakes. He has a plan and a purpose for everything.

While I was writing this post, the Holy Spirit reminded me of three people from the Old Testament. Joseph (the one with the coat of many colors), Job and Esther. You can find the story of Joseph in Genesis 37-50, Job’s story in the book of Job, and Esther’s story in the book of Esther.

I’d like to share some verses from each of their stories that have impacted me. 

Joseph    Genesis 50:20 “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” 

Job    Job 1:21-22 “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised. In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.” 

Esther    Esther 4:14 “For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”

Joseph was mistreated by his brothers and sold into slavery. Job lost everything. Esther was taken from her home and put into the king’s harem. I am pretty sure what happened to them wasn’t the way they thought their life should go. But, God was with them. He had a plan to bring good from their difficult circumstances and He did. He always does. He got it right!

In light of everything that is going on in our world, God’s words still ring true. Whatever has harmed you, God will use it for good. No matter what we’ve lost, may we still have the ability to praise Him for what He has given us and what He has taken away. (I know. That’s a tough one!) If you are alive right now, you are here, for such a time as this.

When I thought He wasn’t getting it right, He was. When I thought my way was better, it wasn’t. 

Years ago, when God asked me to write about my mental health struggles, I didn’t think He was right. I thought He was crazy. I argued and argued with Him. And then one day, I gave in. I didn’t know what I was doing, but God did. 

This is what I know… The harm that was inflicted on us will be used for good. It’s essential to praise Him in the good and bad times, even if it is really hard. You and I are on this earth for such a time as this. 

My time with Him this summer has given me healing and clarity. Yes, it’s hard to look back sometimes. Yes, it’s  hard to look at yourself and realize what you’ve been doing to survive. But, I wouldn’t trade this time with Him for anything. I would love to encourage you to do the same. Open your heart and mind to God. He will show you the way you should go.   

Let me leave you with this. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

Until next time dear friends. This is my journey to joy.

When The Snow And Ice Storms Hit

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When I wrote my last post about finding a home within, I had no idea the home I was building within myself was about to be threatened. I knew January was going to be a hard month for me because of the loss of my mom a year ago. I was already bracing myself for all the emotions that I knew were going to surface around the day she died. However, I wasn’t prepared for how my body was going to react to a snow and ice storm that hit our little town in Indiana. 

A few weeks ago, a beautiful snow began to fall. Then freezing rain became part of the mixture. Our power rallied to stay on most of the day, but it finally gave out in the evening. We were able to sleep in our house the first night, but quickly realized we wouldn’t be able to stay in our home without heat. The temperature fluctuated between forty to fifty degrees. The next day, we got our generator going to save the food in our refrigerators and run a few space heaters, but it was still too cold to stay in our house. So, we packed up and went to stay somewhere else. The home inside me was beginning to crumble.

An old familiar part of myself was being activated by my circumstances. Sometimes I know why, and other times I don’t what is triggering me. It took several days for me to understand that the trauma of my youth was screaming at me. When this part of myself gets activated, my body goes into fight or flight mode. This part felt powerless, out of control, scared, unsafe, angry, and alone. Even though I was safe, had a place to stay and could sleep in warmth, that part was not reacting in a positive way. 

“You thought you were over these things, beyond being so easily activated. But in an instant, you’re right back there. And like the Israelites- like Adam and Eve before them-you abandon the big beautiful story of goodness, joy, and connection you were made for, returning instead to you old security blankets. It’s into this frazzling and frustrating place that God comes.” Chuck DeGroat

After I read the words I quoted above, I realized that my biggest security blanket passed away a year ago. I didn’t understand how hard my life was going to be without her. She was the biggest security blanket I’ve ever owned. I thought to myself, “What do I do now that she is gone? Who do I turn to? Who is going to comfort me?” Then, I remember… “It’s into this frazzling and frustrating place that God comes.” DeGroat

I’m learning when things happen to us, it’s an invitation to stop and reflect, not push forward. That’s what I needed to do to figure out why my body felt threatened by the snow storm. You might think it’s really silly to be triggered by that. But for some reason, there was an old story inside me that needed to be addressed. 

I understand it isn’t always easy to stop and reflect. In fact, it can be quite painful. DeGroat says, “We must remember what has happened to us because it reconnects us to ourselves, to each other, and to God. And….it’s in the remembering, where we can ask hard questions, identify the lies we believe and name those responsible for the lies. Yikes!!!!!

My mom was never verbally abusive, but my father was. His words made me feel inadequate, incompetent, silly, powerless, unloved, angry, and unsafe. On the other hand, my mom’s words were encouraging and brought truth and life to me. But, whose words did I listen to the most? Whose words did I believe? Whose words had the most impact on me? My dad’s words. He was the one that brought so many lies and problems into my life.

When we remember and name the lie or problem it is called redemptive remembering. There is purpose in this process. We remember to heal, not to point fingers or cast judgment. This process has helped me understand why I think and react the way I do. It helps me feel better about myself because there is an explanation for why my body reacts the way it does. 

Here’s how redemptive remembering works. All you need to do is make a very simple time line of your life. Separate your life into categories: childhood, teenage years, college, twenties, thirties, forties, fifties and present. You don’t have to do decades. You could just say adulthood. This might seem overwhelming at first, but once you get started, it goes rather quickly. 

For example, I wrote down under each category in my timeline, what happened to me to make me feel powerless. During my childhood, I had to tip toe around my dad. Frankly, I tried to stay away from him as much as possible. I watched him yell, scream, hit and threaten all of us and we were powerless to do anything to stop him. Into my teens and adulthood, I was still powerless because I felt like my decisions had to be based on how my dad was going to react to them. I was powerless to run my own life. In my twenties and thirties, I saw my brother begin to fall apart when he developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I felt powerless to help him. I couldn’t even help myself. Then, in my late thirties, my powerlessness ramped up into high gear when my brother committed suicide. In my forties, well lets just say, I fell apart.

As you can see, there were many things in my life that made me feel powerless. Redemptive remembering has helped me pinpoint what makes me feel that way. It’s kind of like a domino affect. Snowstorm—body rattled—part inside that feels powerless—dad made me feel powerless because of his physical and emotional abuse—part needs to remember that dad is gone—he has no power over her—this is an old story—I will listen and tend to this part with the help of the Trinity—seek truth over the lies—body begins to calm down—body will learn a new story—body was made to heal—remember that! 

Our lives can be extremely messy. Yes, it’s painful to remember, but it’s also very enlightening. My brother’s death was the beginning of unlocking everything I’d kept buried within me. It’s taken me many years to be able to find my voice because I believed the lie that I was powerless and couldn’t use my voice. I believed my voice didn’t matter because I couldn’t speak without getting into trouble. I believed that if I told how things really were in my childhood, I would be ridiculed. 

Our stories need to be told so others can be helped. If my brother were here today, I think he would definitely want what happened to us to be used in order to bring support and assistance to others.

So, when the snow and ice storms hit in our lives, it’s a call to listen to our bodies and listen to the kind voice of God. Remember, “It’s into this frustrating and frazzling place that God comes.” His voice might be the only kind voice you’ve ever heard or will hear. Invite Him in to what is going on inside you. Ask Him to help you. Show compassion to your body and your parts when they get triggered. Give redemptive remembering a try. May we take the time to remember what we need to, so we can move forward and heal. 

Until next time my friends. This is my journey to joy. 

*Most of my references are from Chuck DeGroat’s book Healing What’s Within. I highly recommend this book.