Tag: hope

There Is Something About The Eyes

Published on by foolforchrist117Leave a comment

Are you affected by the way someone looks at you? I mean the way their eyes look at you. When I look at someone’s eyes, my surveillance system goes into action. Do I see anger? Do I see acceptance? Do I see love? If I see anger, I usually respond by doing anything I can to get that look out of their eyes. I please and perform or I recoil and run away. 

I’ve often wondered why the eyes have so much power over me. Why do I care? Why do they affect me the way they do? Now, I know why.

“We know from human biology and attachment theory that babies connect with their mothers or caregivers nonverbally and through the eyes. The ‘maternal gaze’ is a beautiful moment of intimacy and profound connection. Unspoken love is communicated through the eyes, and it is a powerful knowing.” Crete

“Unspoken love is communicated through the eyes, and it’s a powerful knowing.” WOW!!!!  Think about it. We receive unspoken love through the eyes from the day we are born. We instinctively know when we aren’t receiving the love and affection we were made to receive. Our inmost self longs for the gaze that makes us feel loved and accepted. We sense what needs to be done so we can receive the unconditional love we yearn for.

I’ve become very good at reading eyes. I had a wonderful mother who showed me eyes of devotion and love, but my dad’s eyes were a different story. His angry eyes were what controlled me. When I saw that look, I went into pleasing mode. I got out of his way by leaving the room he was in. I would also leave the house because I just couldn’t stand to see that look in his eyes. I did everything I could to get rid of it. To this day, if I see that look from someone else, I still react in the same manner. 

How can I, or we, still react the way we do when that person or persons is no longer here? How can something that happened years ago still affect us? I’ve read and studied and counseled for years trying to understand why the eyes have so much power over me. Even though I received the love and acceptance I needed from my mom, my dad’s eyes were the ones that impacted me. Like most things in life, the negative has more power over the positive.

There is much to know about how our brains work. As we mature, our brains develop neural pathways that grow deep roots in responding a certain way. That’s why something that happened years ago can still run our lives. But, here’s the good news. God also gave us a brain that can develop new pathways so we aren’t stuck responding the same way forever. We actually have the ability to rewire our brains to respond differently.

The rewiring process takes time and a lot of patience. You have to get in touch with your inner self and the parts that you’ve developed through the years. I read a lot. I also have a counselor that helps me. And, I pray and ask Jesus to help my parts heal. Especially, the part that has so many issues with the eyes.  

“Our inner world is often under attack by lies and false beliefs. Our distorted God images and our low self-esteem cause us to experience high levels of anxiety. One of the ways God protects us from this is to reveal His true nature and affirm our true identity as His children. He does this by empathizing with us, and then lifting us up so that we no longer live in fear. Jesus loves in a way that defies all logic and convention.” Crete

When I accepted Christ into my life, I was twelve years old. Even at the ripe old age of twelve, I instinctively knew I needed Jesus. At that time in my life, I couldn’t admit I was abused. I didn’t realize how messed up I was. I didn’t have a clue what my journey with Christ was going to be like, but I just knew I made the right decision. I’ve always known He was the only way I was going to survive. 

I want to be as honest and transparent as I can be with you. Yes, I’ve had a deep relationship with Christ for fifty-four years. I believe everything He says in His word. I still want to live out my days following Him. But, there are parts within me that still need His healing touch. They have issues to overcome. There are still parts that wrestle with Him over the things that have happened. I’ve had to realize it might take a lifetime to heal, but knowing that “He who began a good work in you will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Jesus Christ returns,” brings me comfort. Philippians 1:6

Let’s get back to the eyes. I need to see the loving eyes of Jesus. But, how do we look into His eyes when we can’t really see Him? How do we train our brains and our parts to look for His eyes?

God has always been faithful to bring a book, a Bible study, scripture, and even social media posts to help me when I am struggling. (Yes, there are positive social media posts!) I happened to be scrolling on Instagram and saw a post of Frances Chan speaking at a conference. He was standing on stage with his daughter beside him. He was talking about how excited he was to be able to be there with his daughter. Then, he gave his daughter a big hug and while he was holding her, he said these words, ”Does your prayer life look anything like this? Be honest. Is this how you feel when you pray? Just absolutely secure. Seriously, think about your time with the Lord this morning. Did it look like this?”

I began crying and thinking, “Do I realize every single day that I am God’s daughter? Do I picture the Lord holding me? Do I see Him the way I should? Can I picture Him looking at me with love in His eyes? Do I allow Him to make me feel secure and safe? Do I feel like I am worthy of all of that?” 

If I am to be perfectly honest, my answer to those questions was,“No!” But, I want to feel Him holding me and loving me. I want to feel like I am safe and secure. I want to feel like I am worthy of all of that. I want to see Him lovingly looking at me. I want His gaze to carry me through my days instead of the awful memories I have of my dad looking at me.

I knew I needed to find an image of Jesus that showed Him smiling with laughter and love in His eyes. I searched for images online until I found the right one. I took a picture of it and stored it on my phone. Now, I have a visual reminder of who Jesus is to me. Until I see Jesus face to face, I will gaze at the picture stored on my phone and reflect on the look in His eyes.

He is our gentle, healing presence. Hosea 11:34 He is living among us. Hosea 11:9  He hears us cry out and rescues us from our troubles. He is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:17-18

“Even though others have hurt us and betrayed us, our loving God loves us and is with us. He wants to relieve us of our burdens and take us to safety. We can ask God for His peace and allow His love to sit with us a bit today.” Crete

My daily challenge is to look at the face of Jesus I have on my phone. I close my eyes and picture Him holding me and smiling at me. I look for the love in His eyes. I must remember His eyes above all others. I must remember He brings safety and security and He cares for every single part I have within me.

I know how hard it is to see Jesus the way we should. Some days are easier than others, but I am going to keep putting one foot in front of the other walking towards Him. He knows there is much to overcome, but He is the One who brings restoration and new life within us. 

I pray my words will minister to you. I pray God will give us eyes to see Him as He truly is. There are many things in this world that try to take us down, but if we can keep our eyes focused on Him and His truth, He will give us what we need to endure. We are in Him and He is in us. 

John 14:18-20  

      “No, I will not abandon you as orphans—I will come to you. Soon the world will no longer see me, but you will see me. Since I live, you also will live. When I am raised to life again, you will know that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.”

Until next time dear friends. This is my journey to joy!

Fighting To Survive

Published on by foolforchrist1172 Comments

It feels so good to be writing again. Talking about my mental health struggles has definitely not been an easy topic to write or talk about. Would I have volunteered to do this? I think not. But, God called me to do this and has given me a passion to help others. I sincerely pray my story will encourage you and help you with your journey as we walk towards healing.

Like a rollercoaster ride, I’ve had many ups and downs with my mental health. I never know what might trigger me and throw me into a fight or flight response. Sometimes, the trigger can come out of nowhere and that’s exactly what happened to me this past February. Something happened that I wasn’t expecting and definitely wasn’t prepared for. 

Here’s what happened… My dad’s birthday was the beginning of February. My brother innocently sent us a video of an interaction he had with my dad years ago. When I saw my dad’s face and heard his voice, my heart started racing and my body started shaking. Even though my dad died thirteen years ago, my body felt like he was standing right in front of me. 

I was in complete shock that I reacted the way I did. I watched the video again, hoping for a different response, but my reaction was still the same. I simply couldn’t figure out why, after so many years of counseling, reading, studying, praying and soul searching, I was still so shaken by my father. 

I kept telling my body, “He’s gone. He can’t hurt me any more. We are safe now.” I began to ask God, “Why am I reacting the way I am? I don’t understand. I’ve been doing the work to heal for years and I am completely caught off guard by this! What in the world is going on?” 

My body was triggered and couldn’t calm down. I knew my body was reacting to the video, but I couldn’t get the shaking to stop. My fight or flight response completely took over. I was doing everything I knew to help my body calm down, but nothing worked. 

The war that was raging inside me continued for almost three months. I was struggling to sleep. I was barely functioning. I didn’t want to leave my house. I spent many days in the fetal position on the floor of my bedroom rocking back and forth. I daily cried out to God begging Him to take the terror away. I prayed on my knees and sometimes laid prostrate on the floor before my Heavenly Father. I was so scared the trembling inside me would never stop. 

I knew God was with me. I knew He could work a miracle in me. I prayed and prayed He would take it all away, but, that’s not what happened. I couldn’t understand why my body was in a state of panic. I was angry, sad, desperate, and scared because I needed my body to stop doing what it was doing. I couldn’t control what was happening and that was a very scary feeling. I was afraid I was going to completely lose my mind. 

I’ve mentioned many times that I had an abusive childhood. But, to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t just abused as a child. I was abused as a teenager and an adult as well. The last time my dad hurt me physically was in high school, but the verbal and psychological abuse continued until the day he died. I experienced fifty two years of living with some form of abuse. 

I’ve tried to make light of his affect on me. I realize I can’t do that any more. I am learning I have to be honest or I am not going to heal. I’ve learned It doesn’t do any good to fight what is going on inside me. In fact, we make things worse when we do. When my body was reacting to seeing my dad’s face and hearing his voice, I realized, maybe for the first time in my life, how deeply his words and actions nearly destroyed me. Seeing his face and listening to his voice were big indicators that I hadn’t healed yet. I was so discouraged that he still had that affect on me.

God gently reminded me that there are many things inside me that aren’t finished healing. My response was, “But Lord, I want to be done!! I want to be over it!!! I am sick and tired of this!! I just want to be normal. Why can’t I function like everyone else seems to? Why does my body do what it does? Help me! Please take this from me!!!!! I hate feeling the way I do!!!” 

But I also knew, the more I fought what was happening, the longer the healing process was going to take. Our bodies have to do what they need to do in order to heal. So, we sometimes have to feel really bad before we can feel better. I know. It stinks!!!

I am learning a lot about myself. I realize my dad’s abuse made me feel unworthy of love; unworthy of healing; unworthy of praise; unworthy of connection; unworthy of hope and unworthy of being treated as I should be treated and so much more.

For a very long time, I haven’t felt like I deserved to be given good things. I’ve hated myself for many many years because I couldn’t seem to get myself together. I’ve been so desperate to be “normal” that I haven’t been able to accept the journey God has for me. I’ve been fighting Him instead of trusting Him.

“Comfort is never found in answers. Comfort is found in arms.” Voskamp

I love answers. I think most of us do. Even though, I prefer answers, God met me with comfort while I was on my knees and on the floor in the fetal position crying out for help. I knew, the only way I was going to make it, was to hang on to Him for dear life. My survival depended on Him and His comforting arms.

“In the face of pain and betrayal, God agonized. Never doubt God understands where you are, and God knows what it’s like to be you. The vulnerability of this kind of God proves the reliability of this kind of story. Jesus held the cup that holds the story you never wanted; Jesus held the cup that holds the darkness you never wanted to know, the pain you wish you and your people had escaped, the scars that have forever marred your only heart.”  Voskamp

It’s horrible to suffer. Frankly, I prefer not to. But, I am in a relationship with Someone who knows suffering. He knows what it’s like to be me. He knows the pain and the darkness I feel. He knows there are many days I don’t necessarily love my story.

While I was desperately looking for answers, I realized my eyes were fixated more on answers and healing than on Jesus. It was a sobering revelation. Of course we want answers. We want to understand. But sometimes, God looks at us and says, “My comfort is enough right now.” I know, those words are hard to hear when we are desperate for an answer or healing.

“Its the way the human eye turns—we look toward loss, fixated on what we can’t fix. The eyes of the heart are drawn to absences. We look toward loss because our interior health is ultimately a function of how we see loss, process loss, live in spite of loss, live through endless loss. How we view our losses determines how we brave our life.” Voskamp

I’ve known for a long time, that I tried to fix my dad, and a lot of others, by pleasing and performing. My body and my mind have paid a huge price living that way. I’ve lived a life trying to keep everyone happy, so I could feel safe. My safety can’t be dependent on others. I need to believe that God is the only One who will keep me safe. 

God doesn’t want me or you to live for anyone else. He wants us to live for His great good and glory. That needs to be our priority. But, I also know how hard it is to live that way when you’ve been conditioned to protect yourself. 

“Pour out your heart to Jesus with expectation, and fully trust that Jesus will always move, but always in a way profoundly different from the way you expect.” Voskamp

I have to be honest… When I was crying out to God the past three months, I struggled with the way He was moving or not moving in my life. I wanted healing. I wanted it to happen now, so I didn’t have to go through another day of mental and physical anguish. I look back and wonder how I made it through. I know He didn’t move how I expected Him to move, but He gave me the ability to hang in there day after day. (I also had dear friends who were fervently praying for me.)

We are so limited on how to perceive and understand God’s ways. There are many times our minds can’t comprehend what is going on. But… He promises to work things out for good in our lives. He promises to always be with us and never leave us. He promises He has a purpose that is good and perfect for us. I know how hard it is to believe His truth when we are falling apart. But, we have to believe His promises. He’s all I’ve got to get me through life. I must believe His words are true.

If you are struggling, I’m so sorry! I pray this post helps in some way. If you don’t have a counselor, find one. If you don’t have people praying for you, ask them to. I know how hard it is to be vulnerable around others. If you aren’t crying out to God, cry out! If you need to take medication, take it. I’ve struggled taking mine for years. But for now, I have to. 

“And the Word of God does all the real work within you as you obey and trust that though you may not yet see how God is working, the Way is working everything out. Even though you may not yet see what has changed, you can act on Jesus’ Word, trust in Jesus’ Word, lean on Jesus’ Word. The best way to find the way through is to keep walking the way of obedience. This is the pilgrimage of our lives.” Voskamp

When God asked me to write about my struggles years ago, I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going. I can’t believe I am still here, sharing everything I am learning and living out in my life. I questioned God many times the past three months. I doubted His ways and I was definitely more honest than I’ve ever been as I cried out to Him. I said words I never thought I’d say to Him. But I can now see, that everything that happened and the words I spoke, were necessary to get me to where I am today. I am grateful. I am thankful. I still love God and want His will in my life.

In case you are wondering, my body is finally calming down. I am able to function without a lot of anguish and pain most days. I have to give my mental health to Him daily. Do I still want to be healed? Absolutely. Do I want my days to be void of debilitating anxiety? Yes! But, I will walk with God and ask Him to give me the strength I need to make it through another day. I have to live my life fully dependent on Him. 

There are so many Psalms that address our fear, anxiety, depression, anguish, hard times, etc. I recommend finding a few Psalms that speak to you and your situation. Read the verses out loud as a prayer to God because there is so much power in praying God’s word.

Here are a few verses that might be helpful for you.

Proverbs 3: 5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” 

Psalm 62:8 “Trust in Him at all times; you people, pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.”

Psalm 32:8 “I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.”

Psalm 105:4 “Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always.”

Life is definitely a journey filled with many ups and downs. I’ve had to fight my way through many days, months and years. God is bringing me closer to a place where I can trust Him and His ways. Yes, I love answers and understanding, but I want to accept His good and perfect will for me. I want to believe Him when He says He will make my path straight.

I am learning faith is a long obedience in the right direction. I want my direction to be towards Jesus, even if it is filled with a lot of yucky stuff. He is the only One who can bring beauty out of ashes. I can’t imagine living my life without Him by my side.

Until next time dear friends….This is my journey to joy!

Grief Unlocks Things We’ve Kept Hidden

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Have you ever been grieving, over someone or something, and all of a sudden you realize there are feelings, emotions and thoughts inside you that you didn’t realize were there? A few weeks ago, I was journaling, pouring my heart out to God, when I heard His voice say to me, “You aren’t exactly thrilled with the way your life has turned out. You aren’t happy with the way I’ve answered your prayers. I would like to show you why.”

When I heard those words, I immediately started crying because I felt so guilty for feeling the way I did. But, I knew He was right because He is always right. To even admit, I wasn’t happy with the way God answered my prayers, was unsettling. But, I also knew He would reveal to me why I was so disappointed. In that moment, my childhood began to unfold before me. 

The first movie I recall watching as a little girl was Cinderella. I didn’t have an evil stepmother or evil stepsisters, but I could relate to the mistreatment she experienced from them. I wasn’t mistreated by my mother, but I was by my father. I grew up yearning for a different reaction from him on a daily basis. Cinderella just wanted to be loved and accepted. She worked tirelessly day after day to survive her life with her family. So did I.

My little self yearned for a day that my Prince Charming would come and rescue me. I didn’t realize what that movie, and others like it, did to me internally. I developed an attitude that if I worked hard enough, did enough, pleased enough, and did everything I could to make everyone happy, I would be rescued from all the bad things that were happening around me. 

So, I sacrificed myself, in so many ways, day after day after day hoping and praying things would be different. What do they say about insanity? It is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. While I was sitting there, pondering my insanity, Jesus brought to my mind a story that I recently discussed with a friend of mine. It is called The Drowning Man. If you don’t know this story, let me share it with you.  

                                                    The Drowning Man

A man was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help. Soon a man in a rowboat came by. The guy in the rowboat shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.”

The man on the roof shouted back, “No, it’s ok. I’m praying to God and He is going to save me.” So the rowboat moved on. 

Then a guy in a motorboat came by. He shouted, “Jump in, I can save you!” The stranded man replied, “No thanks. I’m praying to God and He is going to save me. I have faith.” So the motor boat went on.

Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.” To this the stranded man again replied, “No thanks. I’m praying to God and He is going to save me. I have faith.” So the helicopter reluctantly flew away. 

Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, “I had faith in you, but you didn’t save me. You let me drown. I don’t understand why!”

To this God replied, “I sent you a rowboat, a motorboat and a helicopter. What more did you expect?” 

A huge, and I mean huge, revelation came to me after I thought about this story. The little girl inside me, who wanted a “Cinderella” outcome, was not happy with the things God sent her. She longed to be swept away by someone. She craved for a different outcome with the ones she loved. She desperately wanted her life to turn out differently. She didn’t want everything to be so hard. She desired an easier way. She yearned for a different response from God and from the people she loved. 

After my revelation, I wrote, “Oh what a moment this is for me! Since, I’ve been a little girl, I’ve been living my life wanting a different response from You. I didn’t see or understand that I’ve been doing this. No wonder I yearn for so much more; for a different outcome; for my life to be different. I’ve been so focused on the way I wanted everything to be. You’ve been handing me the resources to save me and I’ve been waiting for a different response from you. I wanted the fairy godmother response. “Poof! Everything is better!” I wanted miracles. I wanted people to behave themselves and act the way they should. “Why can’t they treat me and others better than they do?” 

I don’t think I can adequately explain what that moment with the Lord did for me. I was finally able to look at that little girl inside me and have so much compassion for her because what she wanted wasn’t bad. Her desires were good. She just wanted an easier way. A way that wasn’t filled with so much heartache. 

I have to admit, I’ve struggled with accepting the different ways He’s chosen to rescue me throughout my life. I just couldn’t see or understand what He was doing in my life because it wasn’t the way I would have chosen. 

I began to journal and say, “Thank you for the resources You’ve sent my way to save me. You’ve given me a relationship with You that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Your way taught me so much more than I could ever imagine. Your way gave me a calling to help others. Your way has given me life changing results, which I would say, are little miracles along the way.”

Maybe some of you can relate to what I am saying. Maybe you haven’t been happy with the way your life has turned out. Maybe you feel grief over lost dreams and desires. Maybe you wanted a different outcome with the people that you love. Maybe you haven’t been able to see the hand of God in your life. 

Would you please take a moment and ask Him to help you see what He is doing in your life? Open your heart up to His will and His desires for you. For me, I’ve had to come to the point of accepting God’s way instead of mine. Sometimes, it is extremely difficult to accept His way  especially when you come from an abusive background. 

I want to share something I recently read by Jackie Hill Perry. “It’s a strange feeling to love someone that’s supposed to love you back and for some reason, they can’t or won’t. I’ve come to terms with the limits of my father’s love. He was human. My father was still a gift to this world and to me and God knew this from the beginning. He knew I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have him and for that, I can smile on days like this.”

There were many, many times I asked God, “Why did you give me a dad like this?” But now I see why. My dad’s abusive words gave me the desire to think before I speak. His alcoholism made me never want to be controlled by alcohol. The way he treated us made me determined to show kindness and patience towards others. He made me work for things I wanted, so he gave me a strong work ethic. He was good at helping others when they needed help, so I’ve always tried to so the same. And most of all, because of his abuse, I was determined to be different. I was determined to follow Jesus. And if my childhood would have been easier, maybe I wouldn’t have wanted a relationship with my Savior. 

I believe we’ve all been the drowning man at some point in our lives. We’ve wanted a different response from God. His response to our cries for help hasn’t always been the answer we’ve yearned for. We keep looking for other ways instead of His ways. I think we have to come to the point where we have to give it all to Him and be okay with His response. Even though I might struggle with His ways, they are better than mine. When I am able to finally step back and see what He has done in my life, I am able to realize the good that has come from some pretty awful situations. 

God can only give good. He is perfect and His ways are perfect, even if we struggle with them. Beauty can come from ashes. Hope can be found even amid despair. Resurrection is possible. God is in the business of birthing life from death. He is our Prince Charming. He does answer our cries for help with something far better than we can imagine. 

“We need to imagination of artists, poets, prophets, writers, musicians, and all those who have the capacity to view life with a more expansive viewpoint.” Kolber  

I know, for a fact, that my tunnel vision has only given me an immense disappointment with God because He didn’t move in my life the way I thought He should move. I couldn’t see what He was doing because I was stubborn, like the drowning man, about the way I should be rescued. My vision has kept me from seeing what He’s done and is doing in my life. 

God has been so gracious to turn the key and open the door, so I could look at the things I’ve kept hidden inside me. I know there will be many more moments ahead of me and I am grateful for the way He continues to work in my life. Yes, it’s hard to see myself sometimes, but it’s also wonderful to help me understand why I react the way I do; why I think the way I do; why I live the way I do.

My journey with grief is definitely helping me understand so much about myself. Even though there are days that are really hard, there are also many days that I feel empowered by what He is showing me because there is always purpose to our pain. Always.

I would like to end this post with a prayer. “Lord, You are holy and perfect. You are constantly watching over us. May Your will be done in our lives. Help us to to look within ourselves and ask the tough questions we need to ask. Give us insight into what we need to learn about ourselves. Help us see the ways You are rescuing us. Help us to come to terms with what we want and exchange our desires for Your desires. May we learn to trust You. May we believe how much You love us and only want what is good for us. Give us eyes to see the beauty that comes from the ashes in our lives. Give us a grateful heart  for what You have done and will continue to do. May You take our pain and turn it into joy.  Amen! “

Until next time dear friends. This is my journey to joy. 

One Last Thursday

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Today the tears are flowing because today is Thursday. Every Thursday, I picked my mom up at noon. Then, we would go to lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant. She always ordered a beef burrito and I ordered a chicken quesadilla. My mom loved Mexican food. We would sit across the table from one another, laugh, and talk about so many different things. 

Then, I would drive her to get her hair done. I am going to miss looking over at the passenger seat and not see my cute Momma next to me. My mom loved getting her hair done. It was the highlight of the week for her because she’s been gong to the same hairdresser for 55 years. The women in the beauty shop were family to her and to me. We would laugh, share problems, pray for one another, and solve the world’s issues. We always left happy and refreshed from our time together at the beauty salon. 

The last day we had together was a Thursday. She wasn’t feeling well, but she wanted to have our day together. She was having stomach pain while we were eating lunch, but she wanted to keep moving forward. Even though she was in pain, we made it to the hair dresser. We had to help her get to the wash basin and the chair. But, by golly, we got her hair done!

That was the last Thursday Mom and I were able to get out together. It was the last day I was able to have a conversation with her. It was the last day we were able to have our routine together. I will cherish that one last Thursday forever and I thank God for it!  

The very next day she went into a deep sleep. She could still nod her head at first and respond to questions with a simple “yes” or “no”. I was able to hear her whisper “I love you” one more time. But as the days went by, she became unresponsive. And finally, she took her last breath late in the evening on January 13, 2024. 

She was “Mamacita” “Merle the Pearl” “Mother” “Mom” and so much more to me. She was “Mimi” to her grandchildren and great-grand children and other people who knew her well. I remember someone asking me one time, “What is your mother’s name? I only know her as Mimi?” 

She was always a very loving mother, but when she came to faith in Jesus Christ, her love became supernatural. She had the ability to love me, my family and others well because she allowed Jesus to take over her heart and her life too. Her ability to be able to live that way inspired me to have a relationship with Jesus.

I will never forget being at church camp and deciding I wanted to follow Jesus. The camp  contacted my mom to tell her that I wanted to be baptized. So, she drove to camp to talk to me before the baptism because she wanted to make sure I knew what I was doing. She talked to me about what it meant to live for Jesus and shared scripture with me. At the time, I was frustrated with her because I was twelve, and of course I knew what I was doing. But, she wanted to make sure I understood the decision I was about to make. That’s the kind of mom I had. 

She inspired me to study the Bible because God’s word was so important to her. She woke up every morning to have a quiet time and seeing her do that made me want to do the same. She lived every day giving her life to God and to others. She had a servant’s heart and that made me want to have one too.

I saw her pray and lean on the Lord every single day of her life. If you’ve read any of my posts, you know my home life wasn’t easy. My father was volatile every day. We never knew when he would explode, but my mom prayed for him. She told me we had to pray for him so we would be able to forgive him. 

She almost always had a smile on her face. So many people told us, at the funeral home, that they loved her smile. They loved her disposition. They loved the way she made them feel when they were with her. She had a gift of making people feel special. 

Last year, Mom was telling me she felt useless because she wasn’t able to speak or teach like she used to. She also had trouble writing. Her dementia and Parkinson’s disease put limitations on her abilities to do her normal activities. I told her, “Mom, you still have purpose. You make everyone feel special where you are living. Every time I walk in the door, people tell me how much they love you and are so thankful you live there. They love your smile. They see how kind you are. You show them Jesus every single day. You have purpose.”

She was a witness by just being who she was. She didn’t really need to do anything else. She let Jesus shine through her. That fact speaks volumes to me and I hope it inspires you. This world needs kindness. We need someone to speak kind words. We need people to compliment one another and lift one another up. We need someone to smile and ask how we are doing. We need people to pray for us. We need to love one another. It’s really pretty simple. We don’t have to be famous or make lots of money. We just need to be a servant…be like Jesus.

I will see her again some day. Her body will be renewed and her face will show His glory. I can’t wait for that moment! Until then, I want to carry on by loving others the way she did; helping people in need; finding joy; smiling; living a life that brings honor and glory to my Savior and being kind to the people God puts in my path. I want to follow in my mom and my Savior’s footsteps. 

I know she is free now. I know she is with her Savior. She is rejoicing in heaven. My mind knows the truth, but my heart aches. I miss her. I miss our Thursdays together. I am kind of lost because caring for her was a huge part of my life. But, I know things will get better. Every day I am looking for God to make a way through my grief. I will lean on Him to be my strength and my hope as I process my pain every day.  

“Mom, you left a legacy of faith, love, kindness, joy and goodness. I am so thankful you were my mother. You gave me the greatest gift of all. You showed me what it was like to live for Jesus every single day. I am eternally grateful to you for that! I will see you again. But until that day comes, I have work to do. I love you and I miss you!”

Isaiah 43:19 “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

Until next time my dear friends…