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Lessons From Grief

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I’m baaack!!!!! 

It feels really good to say that! The past five months have been an emotional roller coaster for me since my mom passed away. I had no idea how difficult losing my mom was going to be. I thought I would be so relieved for her to be with Jesus. But instead of relief, I’ve felt so much pain and sadness. 

Don’t get me wrong. I am so happy she is with Jesus and no longer suffering with mental and physical ailments. She is home. She is at peace. I picture her sitting at the feet of Jesus listening to His every word. I imagine her clapping her hands praising Him with everything she has within her. 

But, I miss her. I miss her smile; her encouragement; her laughs; her hugs; her words of affirmation; her wisdom; her goofiness; and most of all her presence. I always felt good about myself when I was with her. She had a way of making me feel special. 

Mom and I fought many battles together. My abusive father; my brother’s mental illness; our family dynamics; Mom’s health issues. We both struggled with depression and anxiety. We also wrestled with self-esteem issues. We had a strong bond between us.

We could relate to each other and lift each other up when one of us needed encouragement. She was the best encourager to me and to others. If she were here, she would say I was the best at finding laughter and being goofy. I can hear her saying, “Honey, whenever I am with you, you make me laugh. I need to laugh.” 

Even though I am grieving, and even though I miss her, God is teaching me how to cope and feel my grief, so I don’t get stuck in it. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that most of us don’t value what grief can teach us. We don’t take the time to process all the emotions and feelings that are going on inside of us. What we usually do is “suck it up” and move on. The problem with doing that is the fact that our feelings and emotions will eventually surface. And when that happens, it can be devastating.

I know from personal experience what can happen when you “suck it up!” For forty years, I kept my feelings and emotions buried as far down as I could, but then there came a day when my body said, “NO MORE!” My body was telling me I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing. The panic attacks hit me hard. It was a horrible time in my life, but it was also the best time in may life because I was forced to deal with so many issues that I buried deep inside me.

Grieving also doesn’t always happen because of a death. We can grieve over relationships, jobs, lost dreams, our past, words that were said, injustice, poverty, the world we live in, hate and corruption. A heart can grieve over many things. It’s what we learn from our grief that helps us heal. 

“Our bodies deserve to be witnessed and honored with dignity in our deepest pain.” Kolber  We need to love our bodies, more than ever, when we are going through something traumatic. Our society wants us to move on and get over it much sooner than our bodies are ready to. 

After my mom passed away, I remember saying to the Lord, “Help me grieve. Help me learn and grow through my grieving. I don’t want to shove my feelings down because we know that hasn’t worked for me in the past. I want to face this with You by my side. I want to cry as much as I need to. I want to embrace my feeling and emotions. I want to be aware of what my body needs. Thank you for being by my side and never letting go of me.” 

God made our bodies to be able to process our pain, our trauma, and our emotions and feelings. Our nervous systems are designed to move towards wholeness, but our unresolved pain and trauma can impede our healing. 

After mom passed away in January, I tried to pay attention to how my body was reacting to her death. At first, I experienced extreme fatigue. I cried all the time. My brain was so foggy that I felt like I couldn’t think straight. My reactions were completely normal, but I wasn’t comfortable with the way my body was reacting. I knew if I didn’t allow my body to process my grief, I would make things worse. 

The biggest lesson I am learning is the fact that I must tend to my body. WE MUST!!! And in order to tend, we have to find time to be alone to listen to what is going on inside of us. 

“Our power comes not from the wounds, but the tending. Not from the trauma, but from the way it’s cared for. Love is the building block for true resilience.” Kolber

If you are like me, and had to push and scratch and claw your way through life in order to survive, tending to your body is very difficult to do at first. Showing myself compassion has not been easy. I can get extremely frustrated with my body for reacting the way it does. But what I am realizing is, being frustrated, isn’t going to get me anywhere. My frustration can easily turn into condemnation. My body has been through too much and fought really hard for me to survive and even thrive. I need to love what my body has done for me and not condemn it.

I wasn’t shown unconditional love by my father. I had to perform and please to get attention and love. So, I’ve had a very hard time loving myself. It’s much easier for me to criticize myself than give myself compassion. I’ve been my biggest obstacle. I’m working really hard to change in this area because I realize I have to show myself compassion in order to move forward. 

A second lesson from grief is the fact that our bodies are powerful communicators. If your body is reacting to something in your life, it is trying to tell you to stop and tend to it. Tears are a gift from God because they are one of the best ways for our bodies to release our pain and sorrow. How many times have you heard that tears are a sign of weakness? I beg to differ. They are a sign of power because you are allowing what needs to flow come out of you. 

We need to cry. Jesus wept with grief. (John 11:35) Our emotions are important. Our feelings matter. If I hear somebody else say tears are a sign of weakness, I might just have to slap that person in the face. My father told us growing up that, “Pain doesn’t hurt.” You can imagine how that statement scarred me emotionally because my pain does hurt. My poor body didn’t know how to process pain because of those words.

Another lesson from grief is we can’t logic ourselves out of the way our body reacts. Most of the time, our bodies are responding to something in our past that is triggering us in the present. I can’t tell you how many times my body has gone into fight or flight mode without me knowing what triggered me. I will literally stand there and say to myself, “What in the world is going on? I don’t understand why I am all of a sudden so scared. What happened? Why am I reacting this way again?”

Three months to the day after my mom died, my body went into fight or flight mode in the middle of the night. I woke up in extreme panic. I thought I was dealing with everything pretty well, but my body wasn’t in agreement with me. I found out that when something traumatic happens, sometimes it takes three months for the body to fully react.

My initial reaction to my body was, “Not again! I don’t like feeling this way. I thought I was doing pretty well and now you are making me feel so scared and vulnerable. I am sick and tired of this! I want to be over this! Why can’t you calm down and cooperate with me?”

Was I compassionate with my body? No. Was I frustrated and condemning? Yes. I wasn’t happy with the way it was responding. I have to go to the Lord and find out what needs to happen. I talked to my counselor. I have to use the techniques I’ve learned like grounding, breathing, praying, exercising, raising my hands in the air while I dance, tears and journaling. God gives us all kinds of ways to help us move through our pain. 

Grief isn’t fun. But I am so thankful for what I am learning from it. I am thankful for all the resources God has given me to help me grow and move through my pain. My next post is going to be about the many revelations I’ve learned about myself from my pain. (There have been many “AHA” moments.)

There is purpose in our pain. Our pain teaches us; brings us closer to the One who created us; shows us what needs to be tended to in our lives; gives us compassion for ourselves and also for others. If we allow ourselves to grieve, we can actually find hope in our pain.

Tasha Jun says, “Lament is a womb for hope.” May our pain and grief become a womb for hope in all of us.

Until next time. This is my journey to joy.

One Last Thursday

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Today the tears are flowing because today is Thursday. Every Thursday, I picked my mom up at noon. Then, we would go to lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant. She always ordered a beef burrito and I ordered a chicken quesadilla. My mom loved Mexican food. We would sit across the table from one another, laugh, and talk about so many different things. 

Then, I would drive her to get her hair done. I am going to miss looking over at the passenger seat and not see my cute Momma next to me. My mom loved getting her hair done. It was the highlight of the week for her because she’s been gong to the same hairdresser for 55 years. The women in the beauty shop were family to her and to me. We would laugh, share problems, pray for one another, and solve the world’s issues. We always left happy and refreshed from our time together at the beauty salon. 

The last day we had together was a Thursday. She wasn’t feeling well, but she wanted to have our day together. She was having stomach pain while we were eating lunch, but she wanted to keep moving forward. Even though she was in pain, we made it to the hair dresser. We had to help her get to the wash basin and the chair. But, by golly, we got her hair done!

That was the last Thursday Mom and I were able to get out together. It was the last day I was able to have a conversation with her. It was the last day we were able to have our routine together. I will cherish that one last Thursday forever and I thank God for it!  

The very next day she went into a deep sleep. She could still nod her head at first and respond to questions with a simple “yes” or “no”. I was able to hear her whisper “I love you” one more time. But as the days went by, she became unresponsive. And finally, she took her last breath late in the evening on January 13, 2024. 

She was “Mamacita” “Merle the Pearl” “Mother” “Mom” and so much more to me. She was “Mimi” to her grandchildren and great-grand children and other people who knew her well. I remember someone asking me one time, “What is your mother’s name? I only know her as Mimi?” 

She was always a very loving mother, but when she came to faith in Jesus Christ, her love became supernatural. She had the ability to love me, my family and others well because she allowed Jesus to take over her heart and her life too. Her ability to be able to live that way inspired me to have a relationship with Jesus.

I will never forget being at church camp and deciding I wanted to follow Jesus. The camp  contacted my mom to tell her that I wanted to be baptized. So, she drove to camp to talk to me before the baptism because she wanted to make sure I knew what I was doing. She talked to me about what it meant to live for Jesus and shared scripture with me. At the time, I was frustrated with her because I was twelve, and of course I knew what I was doing. But, she wanted to make sure I understood the decision I was about to make. That’s the kind of mom I had. 

She inspired me to study the Bible because God’s word was so important to her. She woke up every morning to have a quiet time and seeing her do that made me want to do the same. She lived every day giving her life to God and to others. She had a servant’s heart and that made me want to have one too.

I saw her pray and lean on the Lord every single day of her life. If you’ve read any of my posts, you know my home life wasn’t easy. My father was volatile every day. We never knew when he would explode, but my mom prayed for him. She told me we had to pray for him so we would be able to forgive him. 

She almost always had a smile on her face. So many people told us, at the funeral home, that they loved her smile. They loved her disposition. They loved the way she made them feel when they were with her. She had a gift of making people feel special. 

Last year, Mom was telling me she felt useless because she wasn’t able to speak or teach like she used to. She also had trouble writing. Her dementia and Parkinson’s disease put limitations on her abilities to do her normal activities. I told her, “Mom, you still have purpose. You make everyone feel special where you are living. Every time I walk in the door, people tell me how much they love you and are so thankful you live there. They love your smile. They see how kind you are. You show them Jesus every single day. You have purpose.”

She was a witness by just being who she was. She didn’t really need to do anything else. She let Jesus shine through her. That fact speaks volumes to me and I hope it inspires you. This world needs kindness. We need someone to speak kind words. We need people to compliment one another and lift one another up. We need someone to smile and ask how we are doing. We need people to pray for us. We need to love one another. It’s really pretty simple. We don’t have to be famous or make lots of money. We just need to be a servant…be like Jesus.

I will see her again some day. Her body will be renewed and her face will show His glory. I can’t wait for that moment! Until then, I want to carry on by loving others the way she did; helping people in need; finding joy; smiling; living a life that brings honor and glory to my Savior and being kind to the people God puts in my path. I want to follow in my mom and my Savior’s footsteps. 

I know she is free now. I know she is with her Savior. She is rejoicing in heaven. My mind knows the truth, but my heart aches. I miss her. I miss our Thursdays together. I am kind of lost because caring for her was a huge part of my life. But, I know things will get better. Every day I am looking for God to make a way through my grief. I will lean on Him to be my strength and my hope as I process my pain every day.  

“Mom, you left a legacy of faith, love, kindness, joy and goodness. I am so thankful you were my mother. You gave me the greatest gift of all. You showed me what it was like to live for Jesus every single day. I am eternally grateful to you for that! I will see you again. But until that day comes, I have work to do. I love you and I miss you!”

Isaiah 43:19 “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

Until next time my dear friends…

Living Day By Day

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2023 was a year I will never forget. Like a rollercoaster ride, it has been a year of many highs and lows. But, with each high and low, there has been significant growth in my body. For the first time, in a very long time and maybe ever, my body is becoming resilient. And that, my dear friends, is a miracle and gift God is giving me!

Like a ship in a storm, I have been hammered and tossed around since I was born. I had to learn to fight to survive every single day of my childhood. I also had to learn strategies to help me maneuver through every situation I faced. Some of my methods were helpful and some were harmful to my body. They became habits that were imbedded deeply inside of me.

I wasn’t aware of what I’d done to myself until the panic attacks rose up inside me around my fortieth birthday. I will never forget the intense pain and fear I felt. I was scared to leave my house. At one point, I couldn’t drive. I couldn’t sleep. I felt like I was dying. Every day was filled with a deep fear that I wasn’t going to survive. 

But God used that horrible time in my life to show me that I needed to heal. I needed to start therapy. I needed to deal with what was going on inside me. My body was in crisis mode and I needed to stop and listen.  

So, I’ve been listening and tending to my body the past twenty four years. My body has slowly been healing. If I am going to be perfectly honest, it has taken much longer than I would have liked. But, now that I am able to look back, I am so grateful for every painful issue I’ve encountered. Every journal I’ve written. Every book I’ve read. Every Bible study I’ve been a part of. Every counseling session I’ve had—and there have been many!!!!

For years, I thought healing would be the answer to all my issues. But, what I’ve been given is so much more than healing. My reward is a deep, loving relationship with my Father, Savior and Holy Spirit. I wouldn’t trade that for anything this world could ever offer me. Don’t get me wrong, healing is wonderful, but my endgame has changed. I want to grow more, learn more, change more, and share more than I have before. 

Several years ago, God asked me to share my life by writing a blog. I asked Him several times if I was hearing Him correctly. I didn’t consider myself a writer and didn’t believe I was capable of doing what HE asked me to do. But, I wanted to be obedient and I knew in my heart that He would give me the ability to accomplish what He asked me to do. 

I am not the same person I was when I started writing. God continues to heal me; grow me and change me into the woman He created me to be. Because of Him, and only Him, I am able to share my life with you. 

This past year brought many challenges with my mom’s health. We were uncertain many times if she was going to be around another year. A few weeks ago, while Mom was lying in her bed, God gently reminded me to live day by day; To trust Him and His will; To hang on to my plans for the day loosely; To be willing to see that His way is perfect and good and to believe that He will always get it right. When I was able to do what He asked me to do, my body was filled with so much peace. He also filled me with the strength I needed to live out my day.

My prayer, and hope for myself and for you, is to learn to live day by day in 2024. To see Him more clearly as we give Him our days; To trust God is always going to get our days right, even when we struggle understanding what He is doing; To hang on to our plans loosely because His plan is even better than ours could ever be. May we find the peace and strength we need to live our days for Him.

Happy New Year my friends!!!!

Lamentations 3:23 “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is they faithfulness.”

The Gifts Are Coming!

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This time of year can bring up a plethora of feelings for many people. This might be the first holiday without a loved one. You might have mixed feelings about being with certain family members. You might be dreading the whole holiday season. Or you might be thinking you have no idea what I am talking about. Good for you! Ha Ha

When we are around a lot of people and a lot of noise, trauma survivors can get easily triggered. It might be the noise. It might be what people say. It might be the environment you are in. So, we need to be prepared emotionally for what we might encounter. We need to look up for guidance, for help, and for techniques to help us when we are triggered. 

When I was a child, I became a little girl who was controlled by my father’s words and also the words of others. I became what I needed to be, not what I wanted to be, in order to survive. I allowed words to define me. If someone didn’t approve of what I wanted to do, I wouldn’t do it. I was scared to rock the boat because it was safer for me not to. 

I didn’t realize how much I was controlled by words until I started delving into my emotions and feelings. We hear words every day. Some words are positive and some are negative. Some words give life and others suck the life out of us. Words from others controlled my every move and made me a pleaser and a performer. 

I am now in the process of learning and believing that words are just words. The negative words people say to us don’t have to stay in us. They aren’t a life sentence. We can’t allow the negative to define us or enter our hearts. They are just words. 

One of the hardest battles I’ve faced is believing God’s words to be truer than the words I heard as a child. I have to let those horrible words spoken to me go and give them to God. I am finding when I see myself as God does, and not how others see me, the power of words are losing their power over me.

Because negative words impacted me so much, my eyes simply couldn’t comprehend the goodness of God. When you’ve lived most of your life in survival mode, it’s really hard to look up because you’ve spent all your energy looking around for threats. Your body functions in defense mode and it isn’t able to look up. 

This Christmas, God is giving me a miraculous gift. He is helping me look up and look around. I’m noticing that I am able to see and hear things differently. I am able to see His gifts more readily. I am hearing His voice and I am looking forward to seeing what He is doing with joy and anticipation. For me, this is a miracle.

A miracle doesn’t have to be something huge that everyone sees. It could be something as simple as noticing you are handling circumstances differently than you did a year ago; a month ago; a week ago. You are able to see the good in a situation for the first time. You are able to see God in the littlest of things. When you are able to look up or look around to see God for the first time, that is a miracle!

God gives God in the form of His Son Jesus. His birth fulfills the law and the love God has for us. He sent His one and only Son to give us a visual representation of Himself. And yet, most of us struggle accepting the love He has for us. We wrestle with accepting who He really is. I personally struggled with that kind of love because of the way I was treated as a child. And, maybe you have too. I think the problem is we might internally look at Him the way we look at the people who have hurt us. I know I did. 

I’ve read, studied and struggled along the way and I’ve come to this conclusion. He is not of this world, therefore, we can’t compare Him to a human being. He is perfect and good. He is love. He comes to us because of our failings. He is drawn to the broken hearted. He is never absent and never distant. He runs when He hears us cry. He refuses to give up on us. He holds us and enfolds us. He suffers with us. He gives us everything we need. He makes a way when there seems to be no way. This is who God is.

He is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. He gave us Jesus to save us from our sins so He could be with us forever.  He only speaks truth. He is not able to lie. He is always working in our favor. He is a mystery because there is no one like Him. He is the only One capable to truly take care of us. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He works everything for good in our lives. He is a miracle!

Let that truth seep into your bones. Ask for eyes to see Him for who He truly is. Eyes to see what He is doing in your life. Eyes to see which way to turn. Eyes to see the gifts and miracles happening around you. “We only find out where we are when we find out where He is. We only find ourselves…when we find Him.” Voskamp That is the absolute truth!

I started listing the gifts that God daily gives me several years ago. Yes, there are days that I forget to make my list, but this habit has really helped me be aware of what God is doing in my life. Some days I see more gifts than others. But, when I am able to write my gifts down, my eyes are able to see Him working in my life. And that my friends, is helping me discover what a good God He is. Writing down gifts gives us so much appreciation for what we have and lessens the power of what we don’t have.

I look at the wise men and what they did to follow a star. The wise men were wise because they made their priority, “Follow that star!” And by following that star, they were able to see their Savior. That’s what happens when we look up. When we are able to count gifts.

We have to decide to look up. Look around. Look inside ourselves. Look for Him in everything. When we are able to do that, it is truly a game changer!

A few weeks ago, I thought I was going to lose my mother. My mom has Parkinson’s and dementia. We’ve been watching her health slowly decline this past year. She has given us some scares a couple of times, but the nurse felt that this time was different. Her vitals were not good. I asked if I needed to call my brother to tell him to come and the nurse said, “Yes.” (My brother lives 4 hours away). So, I called my brother, my husband, my children, friends, and family members to give them the news. 

When I got to her room, she was in her bed. Her eyes were closed and she looked like she was in a deep sleep. She could hear my voice because she nodded when she heard me, which meant she wasn’t completely unresponsive. I held her hand and told her how much I loved her. I told her it was okay to go be with Jesus. I was preparing myself for the worst case scenario because of what I was seeing right before my eyes. 

Then I prayed, “Father, You have Mom’s days numbered. You know when You are going to call her home to be with You. I pray for Your will to be done. I would love to have her a little bit longer, but if she needs to go be with You, then help me to handle what lies ahead. I want what is best for her. Your will is good and perfect, so that is what I want for both of us. I love you and I thank you for the days I’ve had with her.”

The nurses, aides, friends and family said their goodbyes. Many tears were shed for the next 24-48 hours. Then, something miraculous started to happen. My mom started opening her eyes more. She began to speak. She wanted something to drink and eat. She wanted to get up and get out of her bed. Everyone was shocked and amazed!! We couldn’t believe what we were seeing! The nurses now call her “Miraculous Merle”! 

No one understands what happened with my Mom. She doesn’t understand and I don’t either. But, I know God’s will happened because that is what we prayed for. 

I’ve been looking for the gifts. I’ve been listening to the Lord. I’ve been dancing with joy over what He is doing in my life. I would still be dancing even if my mother wasn’t here. Do you want to know why? Because His will is good and perfect. He is a good God. I know my mom will be in heaven some day. And that, my friends, gives me a reason to rejoice. She will be reunited with my brother and that makes me smile and gives me so much comfort.

“The miracle of gifts is never not coming.” Voskamp 

When we change the way we see, and the way we hear, we are able to live our lives differently. We are able to be grateful even when our circumstances aren’t good. We are able to trust the One who holds us in the palm of His hands. We are able to have the peace that passes all understanding. 

Am I able to be grateful, trust and have peace all the time? No. I still get scared. I still cry out to God to change my circumstances or change that person. But, what has changed is the confidence I have in Him. “Every little thing is going to be okay because God is working good through every little thing.” Voskamp

I would like to end this post with a revelation God gave me while I was reading, “The Greatest Gift” by Ann Voskamp. I’ve been reading this Christmas devotional every year for the past ten years. Every year I read it, God gives me eyes to see what needs to be seen in my life. 

I was sitting in my chair, reading my devotional, and these words jumped off the pages and entered my heart. “Worry is belief gone wrong. Because you don’t believe that God will get it right.” I immediately started crying because those words revealed to me that I had a deep, dark doubt in my heart that I wasn’t aware of. I was afraid God hadn’t gotten things in my life right and wouldn’t get it right in the future. I know that my doubts came from being an abused child. 

I couldn’t believe I felt that way, but I did. I needed to confess my doubts and get them into the light so Jesus could change my heart and my thinking. I needed to believe that He is always right, even though I might question His ways. Who do I think I am anyway? I am not God. I can’t see like He sees. His ways are not my ways. He is always where I doubt He can be. 

Since I had my revelation, God has been doing a work in me. I am able to see differently and hear differently. I am looking for the gifts and thanking Him every step of the way. I have joy that He will always have me in the palm of His hand no matter what happens. He will provide what I need when I need it. I am looking up and around so I can see Him. 

This Christmas, my prayer for you is to have eyes to see and ears to hear the Lord. That, we will be able to see the gifts all around us. That, we can be grateful and look forward to seeing Him more in our lives. That, we can believe we can never be undone. He is never absent. He intends to turn whatever we are experiencing into a gift and work His good and perfect will in our lives because of His great love for us. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS my dear friends!!!!! May you experience the love and wonder of Jesus!

Learning to Dance

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I love old musicals. I grew up watching Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, Gene Kelly, Debbie Reynolds, Donald O’Conner and many more. When I was little, I would put my tap shoes on and go down in the basement and dance. While I danced, I dreamed of some day being able to dance like the dancers in the movies.  

I am learning that life is a dance for all of us. “God made all of our bodies to learn to move with what we’re experiencing.” Kolber That sweet little girl, who loved to dance, got stuck and wasn’t able to move because she didn’t feel safe to express her feelings and desires. She was stuck and felt trapped in many ways because she wasn’t safe. But now she is learning to help her body dance with her pain; her emotions; her feelings and help them move through her body. 

“When we experience trauma or hold emotional disturbances in our body, our movements become limited. Such pain created rigidity (hyperarousal) or, in some cases, a sense of complete collapse (hypoarousal).” Kolber  That little girl had to work so hard to survive, she just didn’t have the ability to dance with everything going on inside her.

Dance requires movement. We have to move our bodies in order to dance. For some of us, dancing comes naturally. Others have to work really hard to learn the steps in order to dance. But, before we can dance, we have to be aware of what is going on inside of us.

In September, I was journaling in my notebook and I had a deep realization that I was in severe anguish over some issues in my life. I am a word nerd, so I decided to look up the definition of anguish. 

Anguish—severe mental or physical pain or suffering. 

After I read the definition, my mind immediately thought of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus was feeling deep anguish over His impending death on the cross. His anguish was so severe that He sweat drops of blood. He didn’t pretend He was “okay.” He lamented. He cried out to His Heavenly Father. He asked his friends to stay up with Him and pray. 

Why, oh why, do we in our western culture, not feel comfortable acting like Jesus? Why do we feel like we can’t reach out or cry out; ask our friends to stay with us; feel deep grief; express our pain. Why is that considered weakness by so many? Why are we taught to stuff and not express? Why are we so uncomfortable with our feelings? 

“Lamenting is an embodied way of expressing and releasing deep pain. It’s a sacred engagement with God while in pain. We express our grief to God, while knowing we are held.” Kolber

It’s a beautiful work to become flexible with your emotions, of working to truly acknowledge and allowing ourselves to feel our reality. It’s a work of a lifetime, and it is a holy endeavor.” Kolber

Listen, I have fallen into the comparison game more than I like to admit. I have condemned myself; wondered too many times what was wrong with me; felt so alone and misunderstood for too many years because of the lack of compassion in our culture. But then I read words that say, “I am on a holy endeavor; It’s a beautiful work; It’s a sacred work; When we express our grief to God, we are held”. We need to say those words to ourselves and to others who are struggling. 

I’ve been slowly learning to accept my feelings and emotions and be more aware of them. We need to remember that God designed our bodies to feel. And, then He gave our bodies the ability to move through our emotions. When we ignore our emotions, they will get stuck. And, that’s when our feelings begin to develop into issues. 

I’ve read Romans 8:22-23 many times, but a month ago, verse 23 blew my mind in light of what I’ve been reading and learning. 

“We know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth…for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering.”  

Stay with me for a minute. Not only does creation groan, but our bodies groan to be released from sin and suffering. Our bodies were made to groan…to lament. In case you are wondering what lament means— here you go!

Lament—a prayer expressing sorrow, pain, or confusion. 

We are actually bringing safety to our bodies when we grieve, lament, and express our anguish because our feelings need to be released. If you look at people in the Old Testament, they knew how to lament. They knew how to turn to God with their pain and their sorrow. The book of Psalms is filled with lamenting, groaning and crying out. I’d also like to point out that David danced before God. David knew that God heard him and he also knew that God was the only One who would come to His rescue. 

In the midst of lamenting, I’ve become aware that I’ve been going through a three step process in my mind since I was a little girl….

Wishing + wanting = disappointment 

I grew up a very disappointed little girl. Disappointment was buried so deep inside me that I wasn’t even aware of it. So, I decided to go the Lord and ask two really hard questions. “Lord, am I disappointed in who you gave me as a father? Am I upset with You?” The answer was not what I expected to hear. 

“Laurie, you are brave for asking those questions. You are disappointed in your father’s actions; his demeanor; the way he handled being a father; the way he treated his family; the fact that he didn’t listen to you or anyone else; he didn’t change; he didn’t know how to love. No one could get through to him. There is a resistance present in you. Will you let me help you grow acceptance instead of resistance? That’s what I want for you.”

I was in tears when I heard those words. God knew me better than I knew myself. I wanted a peaceful sadness instead of disappointment over my life and relationships. I wanted to be able to accept God’s way instead of resisting it. 

So, I began to journal about my thoughts and feelings for several pages in my notebook and then I stopped. I decided I needed to look up the word acceptance. (I know! Here I go again! But it is so important to know the meaning behind the words.) 

Acceptance— person’s assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition that is a fait accompli without attempting to change it or protest it.

That definition made me realize I grew up a protestor. Of course I did! I had to be that way to survive. But, now I realize that protesting took over my ability to accept God’s plan for me. I’ve wrestled with God over so many issues, which I am not saying is bad, but it gave me so much anguish in my life to be in conflict with Him. I couldn’t have peace. Wishing and wanting was my internal struggle and when I was able to recognize what was going on inside of me, I was able to release that to the Lord. I began to dance.

Then, I started thinking about Joseph. (Yes, my brain does that!) He is one of my favorite characters in the Old Testament. He stands out to me because of the words he spoke in Genesis 50:20.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended if for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” 

In Hebrew, “you meant it for evil” means “you wove evil”, but “God rewove it together for good.”

That, my dear friends, is truth. He is reweaving my anguish; my angst; my disappointment; my suffering; my resistance; my lamenting; my trauma; my anxiety. He will do the same for you. 

Before I close, I want to share with you, something I’ve been doing that is really working to help me release what has been stuck inside me. I. Am. Dancing. I put music on that makes me happy and I dance around my house. I move my arms around as I dance. I express how I am feeling. I talk to God. I sing along with the words of the song.

The first time I did this a few weeks ago, I had goose bumps all over my body. I knew I was releasing something inside me. It felt so good to tingle all over. Moving my arms up and to the sides of my body is helping me move with my emotions and feelings. My body is being set free.

Go before God and ask Him to help you release what needs to be released. He will. Healing is a process. It takes time. It takes a lot of grieving and lamenting. It takes being self-aware. It takes patience. It takes being able to allow your feelings and emotions move through your body. It takes acceptance. It also takes people who are supporting you and praying for you. And it takes a really good counselor helping you every step of the way. 

So, grab your dancing shoes and see what happens. I pray you feel goose bumps all over your body. Raise your arms and dance around your house. Dance wherever you want to dance.  Dance outside. I am going to get up from my laptop right now and dance in my backyard! 

“For in Him we live and move and have our being.” Acts 17:28

Until next time….This is my journey to joy!

*** I got up to dance and the song “You Should Be Dancing” by the Bee Gees was on my Pandora station. Not kidding!!!