I love old musicals. I grew up watching Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, Gene Kelly, Debbie Reynolds, Donald O’Conner and many more. When I was little, I would put my tap shoes on and go down in the basement and dance. While I danced, I dreamed of some day being able to dance like the dancers in the movies.  

I am learning that life is a dance for all of us. “God made all of our bodies to learn to move with what we’re experiencing.” Kolber That sweet little girl, who loved to dance, got stuck and wasn’t able to move because she didn’t feel safe to express her feelings and desires. She was stuck and felt trapped in many ways because she wasn’t safe. But now she is learning to help her body dance with her pain; her emotions; her feelings and help them move through her body. 

“When we experience trauma or hold emotional disturbances in our body, our movements become limited. Such pain created rigidity (hyperarousal) or, in some cases, a sense of complete collapse (hypoarousal).” Kolber  That little girl had to work so hard to survive, she just didn’t have the ability to dance with everything going on inside her.

Dance requires movement. We have to move our bodies in order to dance. For some of us, dancing comes naturally. Others have to work really hard to learn the steps in order to dance. But, before we can dance, we have to be aware of what is going on inside of us.

In September, I was journaling in my notebook and I had a deep realization that I was in severe anguish over some issues in my life. I am a word nerd, so I decided to look up the definition of anguish. 

Anguish—severe mental or physical pain or suffering. 

After I read the definition, my mind immediately thought of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus was feeling deep anguish over His impending death on the cross. His anguish was so severe that He sweat drops of blood. He didn’t pretend He was “okay.” He lamented. He cried out to His Heavenly Father. He asked his friends to stay up with Him and pray. 

Why, oh why, do we in our western culture, not feel comfortable acting like Jesus? Why do we feel like we can’t reach out or cry out; ask our friends to stay with us; feel deep grief; express our pain. Why is that considered weakness by so many? Why are we taught to stuff and not express? Why are we so uncomfortable with our feelings? 

“Lamenting is an embodied way of expressing and releasing deep pain. It’s a sacred engagement with God while in pain. We express our grief to God, while knowing we are held.” Kolber

It’s a beautiful work to become flexible with your emotions, of working to truly acknowledge and allowing ourselves to feel our reality. It’s a work of a lifetime, and it is a holy endeavor.” Kolber

Listen, I have fallen into the comparison game more than I like to admit. I have condemned myself; wondered too many times what was wrong with me; felt so alone and misunderstood for too many years because of the lack of compassion in our culture. But then I read words that say, “I am on a holy endeavor; It’s a beautiful work; It’s a sacred work; When we express our grief to God, we are held”. We need to say those words to ourselves and to others who are struggling. 

I’ve been slowly learning to accept my feelings and emotions and be more aware of them. We need to remember that God designed our bodies to feel. And, then He gave our bodies the ability to move through our emotions. When we ignore our emotions, they will get stuck. And, that’s when our feelings begin to develop into issues. 

I’ve read Romans 8:22-23 many times, but a month ago, verse 23 blew my mind in light of what I’ve been reading and learning. 

“We know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth…for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering.”  

Stay with me for a minute. Not only does creation groan, but our bodies groan to be released from sin and suffering. Our bodies were made to groan…to lament. In case you are wondering what lament means— here you go!

Lament—a prayer expressing sorrow, pain, or confusion. 

We are actually bringing safety to our bodies when we grieve, lament, and express our anguish because our feelings need to be released. If you look at people in the Old Testament, they knew how to lament. They knew how to turn to God with their pain and their sorrow. The book of Psalms is filled with lamenting, groaning and crying out. I’d also like to point out that David danced before God. David knew that God heard him and he also knew that God was the only One who would come to His rescue. 

In the midst of lamenting, I’ve become aware that I’ve been going through a three step process in my mind since I was a little girl….

Wishing + wanting = disappointment 

I grew up a very disappointed little girl. Disappointment was buried so deep inside me that I wasn’t even aware of it. So, I decided to go the Lord and ask two really hard questions. “Lord, am I disappointed in who you gave me as a father? Am I upset with You?” The answer was not what I expected to hear. 

“Laurie, you are brave for asking those questions. You are disappointed in your father’s actions; his demeanor; the way he handled being a father; the way he treated his family; the fact that he didn’t listen to you or anyone else; he didn’t change; he didn’t know how to love. No one could get through to him. There is a resistance present in you. Will you let me help you grow acceptance instead of resistance? That’s what I want for you.”

I was in tears when I heard those words. God knew me better than I knew myself. I wanted a peaceful sadness instead of disappointment over my life and relationships. I wanted to be able to accept God’s way instead of resisting it. 

So, I began to journal about my thoughts and feelings for several pages in my notebook and then I stopped. I decided I needed to look up the word acceptance. (I know! Here I go again! But it is so important to know the meaning behind the words.) 

Acceptance— person’s assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition that is a fait accompli without attempting to change it or protest it.

That definition made me realize I grew up a protestor. Of course I did! I had to be that way to survive. But, now I realize that protesting took over my ability to accept God’s plan for me. I’ve wrestled with God over so many issues, which I am not saying is bad, but it gave me so much anguish in my life to be in conflict with Him. I couldn’t have peace. Wishing and wanting was my internal struggle and when I was able to recognize what was going on inside of me, I was able to release that to the Lord. I began to dance.

Then, I started thinking about Joseph. (Yes, my brain does that!) He is one of my favorite characters in the Old Testament. He stands out to me because of the words he spoke in Genesis 50:20.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended if for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” 

In Hebrew, “you meant it for evil” means “you wove evil”, but “God rewove it together for good.”

That, my dear friends, is truth. He is reweaving my anguish; my angst; my disappointment; my suffering; my resistance; my lamenting; my trauma; my anxiety. He will do the same for you. 

Before I close, I want to share with you, something I’ve been doing that is really working to help me release what has been stuck inside me. I. Am. Dancing. I put music on that makes me happy and I dance around my house. I move my arms around as I dance. I express how I am feeling. I talk to God. I sing along with the words of the song.

The first time I did this a few weeks ago, I had goose bumps all over my body. I knew I was releasing something inside me. It felt so good to tingle all over. Moving my arms up and to the sides of my body is helping me move with my emotions and feelings. My body is being set free.

Go before God and ask Him to help you release what needs to be released. He will. Healing is a process. It takes time. It takes a lot of grieving and lamenting. It takes being self-aware. It takes patience. It takes being able to allow your feelings and emotions move through your body. It takes acceptance. It also takes people who are supporting you and praying for you. And it takes a really good counselor helping you every step of the way. 

So, grab your dancing shoes and see what happens. I pray you feel goose bumps all over your body. Raise your arms and dance around your house. Dance wherever you want to dance.  Dance outside. I am going to get up from my laptop right now and dance in my backyard! 

“For in Him we live and move and have our being.” Acts 17:28

Until next time….This is my journey to joy!

*** I got up to dance and the song “You Should Be Dancing” by the Bee Gees was on my Pandora station. Not kidding!!!