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Feeling safe has been something I’ve struggled with most of my life. If you’ve been abused or been through traumatic experiences, there is a deep part of you that doesn’t feel safe either. I think we can all agree that since we’ve gone through a pandemic, and now experiencing the way the world is rapidly changing, we struggle with feeling safe a lot more than we used to.

In order to understand why we have issues with safety, we have to understand why our brains and bodies work the way they do. I have been exploring this topic for several years for two reasons. The main reason was to heal, but to be perfectly honest, the other reason was to help me get over feeling like a weirdo for so many years. I just couldn’t feel safe even though I was safe.

I have to share some technical information, for just a bit, in order to explain why our brains and bodies work the way they do. So, bear with me. There is a nerve that runs behind our brains and down the back of our bodies to where the stomach is. It is called the vagus nerve. It is the longest cranial nerve in the body. There is a part of the vagus nerve that is called the vagal brake. It’s important to know about the vagus nerve and the vagal brake because they are instrumental in helping us stay in our window of tolerance. (WOT is where you are able to handle what is happening around you.) 

If your childhood was riddled with abuse, like mine, we didn’t receive the care and support we needed when traumatic experiences happened. Our vagal brake didn’t learn how to develop properly. Aundi Kolber explains, “We are like automobiles with super-charged acceleration but no brakes. Once the gas is pushed, our bodies may skyrocket out of our WOT (Window of Tolerance) and into hyperarousal even at the smallest scares. And because there are no brakes, we may not be able to slow down until we crash into a ditch.”

Because our vagal brakes weren’t developed properly and they were in emergency mode for so long in order to protect us, our windows of tolerance became very small. My body can be “set off” by trivial things because my poor vagal brake hasn’t had a “break” in years. (Just had to throw that in there!)

When our bodies are reacting with anxiety, depression, obsessive disorders, panic attacks, etc., our vagal brakes are at their limit. We don’t feel safe and our WOT barely exists. In order to help our window of tolerance grow, we have to learn how to communicate with our bodies.

But here is is the mistake that most of us make. We just want to “push through” instead of “deal with” what is happening inside us. “We want to move on, to not be affected by whatever caused us pain in the past, But the truth is, there is no bypassing the information from our bodies. We can’t logic ourselves into safety or out of trauma. Telling our bodies that we are safe and feeling safe are two very different things.” Kolber

“There is a high cost to chronic experiences of feeling unsafe.” Kolber  

Years ago, when I was experiencing horrible panic attacks, my body was reacting violently and I didn’t know what to do. I was being triggered and I didn’t have the knowledge to understand what was triggering me. I would berate my body for reacting the way it did. I would tell my body, “I don’t think I see danger. Why are you reacting this way? I just don’t understand what is making my heart race and you shake? Why in the world do you keep doing this?” It was a very scary and frustrating time in my life. 

When our bodies are screaming at us, we have to stop and listen. We can’t tell our bodies we are safe, if they don’t feel safe. We have to deal with what is going on inside our bodies. Do you see the difference?

“Quite literally, we cannot regulate our emotions, learn, or think rationally unless we feel a certain degree of safety.” Kolber 

There were so many issues that were triggering me when I was experiencing panic attacks. I didn’t know that the sound of my Dad’s voice really bothered the little girl inside me. All he had to do was say my name, with a certain tone in his voice, and I would be triggered with panic. I didn’t know about the parts inside me that needed someone to listen to them. I hadn’t realized yet, they needed to feel safe before they could communicate with me.

It took years to sift through all the things that were triggering me. I still get triggered, but I am finally learning what to do when it happens. I would like to share what I do now, in order to feel safe.

If I am getting out of my window of tolerance, I have to stop, sit and listen to what my body is telling me. If I can, I get away from everyone. I ask the part of me that is struggling, “What is wrong?” Then, I listen and I bring Jesus into the discussion because my relationship with Him is the safest relationship I have. There is usually a conversation between the part that is having issues, me, and Jesus. We talk until that part or parts are able to get relief and feel safe. This process works for me because it gives me a way to cope with what is going on inside my body. 

It takes time to develop the ability to talk to your parts. Be patient. Get alone as much as you can. Close your eyes, ask questions and listen. Be in touch with what answers are being given. Write down what is being said, so you can remember later. Sometimes we are completely unaware of what is triggering our bodies. Your parts need to know they are safe. They need to know you are there for them.

There are also grounding exercises you can do if you find yourself getting out of your window of tolerance. Here is the link to a post I wrote a few months ago. 

The Stories Our Bodies Tell

We can have hope because of the plasticity God placed inside us. “The ability to shift, change, and grow is a beautiful gift that our Creator gave us, facilitating many important processes in our body. Plasticity helps us heal from trauma and other types of pain. It is also what has actually allowed us to adapt and survive chronically disturbing, overwhelming, or traumatic experiences in the first place.” Kolber

There is no one like God. There is no one who will ride across the heavens to help you except God. There is no one who can make a way through all your issues, but God. No one can love you, forgive you, accept you, live inside you or walk beside you like God can. He holds the truth that we desperately need. He is our help. He is for us, not against us. And…He is the only One who can truly help us feel safe. 

“Because He bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath.” Psalm 116:2

Feeling safe is critical to healing. And because of Him, I can feel safe. He is making a way for us to feel safe. He will help us find our footing on rocky paths. We simply have to invite Him into our lives. Invite Him into our fears. Invite Him into what has happened to us. Invite Him into our pain, so we can heal.

We can heal. We can change the way our brain works. We can talk to our bodies and ask questions and find new ways to deal. We can have hope. We can feel safe. We can move forward. We can work through our trauma and come out on the other side of it. There is hope.

I would like to suggest one more thing, before I close. Years ago, I read Ann Voskamp’s book One Thousand Gifts. That book inspired me to start keeping a gratitude journal. I’ve talked about this before in other posts, but it seemed appropriate to mention it again. I try to write down three things, in my life, that I consider gifts every day. Doing this practice daily, has helped my brain focus on good things. Research shows that having an attitude of gratitude also helps our minds repair.

Trauma is not (and never was) a gift. But our bodies’ ability to adapt so that we can survive? That’s the gift; that’s grace. And it gives everyone of us a reason to hope.” Kolber

Your body is a gift. It has protected you and helped you. Tell your body you are thankful for all it has done for you and also thank God for giving you your body. We are truly… fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

Until next time dear friends. This is my journey to joy (and safety!)

My family has struggled with different types of mental issues since I was a little girl. Because of my personal experience, I am convinced that our society doesn’t value the work it takes to heal. I do believe that there is definitely more awareness of mental illness, especially since COVID. But, there are still many people, who I’ve encountered, that think people that struggle with this type of illness should be able to get over their issues and move on. 

I just have to say this loud and clear. If you’ve been belittled or made to feel shame for your issues….. HEALING IS A LIFE LONG JOURNEY!  

I’ve felt deep shame for having “issues” from being abused. People have also made me feel like something is wrong with me. I understand why so many people don’t talk about what is really going on inside their bodies and maybe you’ve felt the same way too. We are afraid to open up and ask for help because we feel like people are going to think we are weird. We’re afraid of what others are going to think, or say, so we just suffer in silence.

We can’t let this continue. We must be supportive and loving. There is a very high percentage of people who are losing their lives because they don’t feel like it is safe to open up and be heard. Have you ever been in a group of people and someone is brave enough to open up about something they are struggling with? Then, someone else will chime in and share what they have been struggling with. Then someone else does the same. It’s a beautiful sight to see! That’s what we need more of!!!

We need people to be real with one another. It took me years, and I still struggle, to be real. I understand how hard it is! No one has your story. No one has the right to belittle you. We need your authenticity. 

“When authenticity threatens attachment, attachment trumps authenticity.” Gabor Maté

When I read this quote, I knew that statement was completely true because I’ve lived my life trading authenticity for attachment. And because of that decision, I lost myself. I became a pleaser and performer so I could connect; so I could be seen; so I could hear, “Great job!”; so I could be noticed; so I could be safe. 

I’m going to let you see how the little girl part of me lived her days. “Look at me. Look at what I did. Aren’t you pleased with me? Did I do a good job? Does this make you happy? If it doesn’t make you happy, then I will try something else to make you happy. I will do what it takes to make you happy because if you aren’t happy, then my life will be miserable. Why can’t you love me? What is wrong with me? I am trying so hard to please you and nothing seems to work!”

That little girl lived every single day trying to attach herself to her parents, especially her dad, so he would notice her in a positive, not negative, way. That was the only way she knew how to live. And, to be perfectly honest, I still struggle with that pattern of living. That pattern of living has affected every relationship I’ve ever had. I will do what I have to do to make things work; even if it means losing myself.

“If a person has learned to please other people (fawning) as a way to navigate an unsafe household, they may not be able to recognize when the way they are genuinely caring for others is beginning to personally harm them.”  Kolber

If you’ve been trading authenticity for attachment, you’re nodding your head in agreement with the fact that we’ve been harming ourselves for a very long time. Our response as a pleaser and performer is our way of responding to trauma. It is the way we attach ourselves to others when we get triggered. We’ve lived this way for so long in order to survive that we need a new way to deal. A healthy way to be. We need to learn a new way to respond instead of killing ourselves to make other people happy.

“But if the body automatically defaults to putting others before ourselves, no matter the cost, the action is rooted in a trauma response and can be harmful.” Kolber

That’s why listening to our bodies is so important. Our younger parts need us to listen to them. They need us to come along side and help them. We need to bring truth into the picture. My younger self gets stuck in making sure everyone else is okay so she can be okay. I have to help her get unstuck because that has been her trauma response to problems since she was a little girl.

If you are struggling in this area, I would like to share what I am doing to heal. (This is tough to share, but I want to help you, if you’ve felt like I have).

I take time to talk to that little girl inside me. (I always have my journal handy to write things down). I close my eyes and I go to her in my mind. I also ask Jesus to be with us so HE can help with HIS words and HIS love. I ask her what I can do to help. 

When I asked her how she was feeling the other day, this was her response to me. She said, “I have deep, sad feelings for not being valued by others, so that is why I kill myself to please them. I just want to be noticed, loved and accepted. I long to be valued for who I am. I’m just a little girl. I’m doing the best I can. Why can’t they see that? Why do they expect me to be perfect all the time? Why isn’t what I do good enough? Why can’t they see how hard I’m trying?”

“We can tell ourselves that we have value, but its a whole different thing to experience a visceral connection as you speak those words, knowing they are true. When we are writing a new story, we will have the best results when the narrative is rooted in an experiential process. The words we speak to ourselves and others always matter because they communicate some degree of truth or intention. However, if they are not grounded in something that feels true in our bodies, they won’t stick.” Kolber

The little girl inside me knew I could relate to her feelings. I knew her words rang true. I wanted to honor what she was saying because her feelings mattered to me because she is a part of me. The only way parts of our bodies will heal is if they are grounded in what we are telling them is true. 

For me and maybe for you, the lie she believed for many years, was the feeling that she wasn’t good enough. Because if she were, she would have been treated so much better than she was. That was the lie that little girl carried.  

So, we have to write new stories with our bodies. A story that rings true and feels true inside us. We have to listen, honor and connect with our bodies. God made our bodies to heal. That’s why body work is so important because that is where our emotions, feelings and trauma live. Our minds can block things out, but our bodies never forget what happened to us.

If we continually look to people to make us feel good about ourselves, we are going to be greatly disappointed. I personally know that doesn’t work. We have to look to our Savior, the One who truly loves us and cares for us. We have to get our identity from Him.

He tells us… We are chosen and dearly loved.Colossians 3:12  We are not alone. Hebrews 13:5 We are safe. 1John 5:18  We are secure. Ephesians 2:20  We are overcoming. 1John 4:4  We are chosen. 1Peter 2:9  And so much more!!!!!

For me, living to please others has been a miserable way to live because they are never pleased. I know how easy it is to let attachment be more important than authenticity. I continually struggle in this area. I’ve been listening and talking a lot to that little girl who fights to believe what God says and what I say is true. She wants her value and worth to ring true inside her. She knows I am here to help and so is her Savior.  She doesn’t want other people to dictate who she is. Her authentic self is who Jesus says she is.

I just have to say this… If you are fighting to overcome anything in your life, you are brave. If you are seeking help from a counselor, you are strong. If you are taking medicine to help you in this difficult time, you are gutsy. If you are reading, studying, learning and seeking a counselor, you are courageous. Now, I have to pause and say those words to myself.

This post is an extremely personal one. That little girl wants to trade in attachment for authenticity. She wants a new story. Jesus and I will fight for her to hear words that ring true in her soul.

As I end this post, I would like to reiterate how important it is for us to support and love one another. Everyone has issues. We need to listen and do what we can to help. Please be careful with the words that come out of your mouth! People are hurting out there and we want to be beacons of light not messengers of darkness.

I am definitely not perfect in this area, but I am really trying to think before I speak. I’ve seen and experienced the damage that words can do to someone. The hateful words my brother heard, and thought about himself, killed him way before he pulled the trigger. I’ve spent my lifetime dealing with the same damage that came from our abusive father.  

Proverbs 12:25 “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.”

Ephesians 5:32 “Be kind a compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Until next time dear friends. This is my journey to joy!

I would also like to recommend reading, “Try Softer” and “Strong Like Water” by Aundi Kolber.

I recently went on a mother-daughters trip to Maine. Acadia National Park was absolutely magnificent! It was the first time, since the girls were little, that I was able to get away with them. The scenery was absolutely stunning. We shopped till I dropped; ate delicious food; took in the beauty surrounding us while we hiked; laughed till we cried. It was so good for my soul to be in a beautiful place with my amazing daughters.

I tend to feel more connected with God when I am in nature. His creation evokes so many feelings inside me. When I am surrounded by the beauty displayed around me, it’s as if the ocean, rocky beaches, tall lush trees and flowers blooming are speaking to my heart and my soul. 

Yes, I am a deep feeler. I used to be ashamed to be that way. Not any more. It is who I am. I am learning that we need to feel our feelings instead of shoving them down inside. Feelings are a part of who we are. If we don’t learn to recognize them and listen to them, they can come out in very destructive ways. 

“Every issue we face affects the stories we hold in our bodies in some way.” Kolber 

When you have learned to maneuver through life, you don’t take the time to deal with your feelings. I learned very early that survival was so much more important than dealing with my emotions or feelings. 

My dad was a very angry man. His feelings came out in very destructive ways. We never knew when he would explode. I learned to navigate around that anger the best I could to stay safe. My younger self was extremely scared of his anger. Anger was a feeling that I didn’t like and didn’t want to be around. Anger meant danger for me. 

So, you can imagine how hard it has been for me to be okay with my own anger or anyone else’s anger. I shoved my anger down as far as I possibly could because I didn’t know how to deal with it in a good way. I didn’t realize how sick I was making myself by doing that. 

When I started having panic attacks, I know without a shadow of a doubt, my body was finally releasing what I had been shoving down for 40 years of my life. Our memories and experiences don’t simply go away because our bodies never forget what our minds try to forget. 

Our bodies are fearfully and wonderfully made for a reason. God wants to participate with us in our healing. He wants to help us release those feelings in a safe environment with Him by our side and a counselor that knows how to help us deal with those feelings. 

“You shouldn’t feel that way,” needs to be wiped out from our vocabulary. I can’t tell you how many times I said that to myself. Yes, we need truth in our lives, but we also need to acknowledge our feelings. When I am feeling an emotion now, I acknowledge it. I go to God. I ask Him for His help. I ask for forgiveness, if I need to, and then ask Him to help me. I don’t want to be a person that spews hateful things from my mouth because I don’t want to be destructive. 

“When we cut ourselves off from our bodies’ sensations and act as if they didn’t matter, the implications for our mental health are dire.” Kolber

That is why it is so important that we pay attention to our bodies and what they are feeling. In my last post, I talked about the different parts we have inside us. Those parts also have  feelings. My younger parts have been scared, sad, confused and angry. My older parts have also felt that way and also felt very anxious and depressed. 

It is very hard for me to express my emotions because it wasn’t safe to do so when I was younger. Sometimes I can get very overwhelmed by them because I didn’t develop the skills to deal with them.

“Once we’ve brought our bodily experience and sensations into our conscious mind, we can name what is happening and have the ability to do something with it. To feel emotions in a healthy way, we must continue our integration with our bodies.” Kolber

Did you know that taking a moment to name what we are experiencing has been shown to integrate the right and left hemispheres in our brains and to calm down the firing in our limbic system? We need to create the neural circuitry to better regulate ourselves. I have to be kind to what I am feeling and not berate myself. 

Aundi Kolber calls this approach, “Name it to tame it.” I have been using this approach for awhile and it has made me aware of how much I try to stuff my emotions instead of feel them. God made us physiologically unable to just stop feeling. We must honor the signals our emotions are giving us, and in doing so, it allows us the ability to respond appropriately. 

Responding appropriately is hard. I want to run and hide because my feelings can easily scare me or overwhelm me. I have to sit and talk to God a lot about how I am feeling. I definitely need to feel safe; knowing God is right by my side. I ask Him to speak to me and through me so I can convey my feelings in the right manner. 

I know this seems like a lot of work, and frankly, it is. But, it is worth all the work to get your brain to rewire and regulate your body. I am healing. So, I will tell you it is worth all the time and effort you have to put into it. 

I grew up thinking I needed everyone else to be okay, so I could be okay. It was my job to live my life to make sure everyone had what they needed. You can imagine the pressure I put on myself. If they weren’t okay, then I would go into pleasing and performing mode until I could feel like I could stop. Years and years of living life that way took a horrible toll on my nerves and my health. 

I didn’t take time to know me and my desires and needs. I knew what everyone else wanted, but I had no idea who I was anymore. I lost myself. I have been on a journey to get to know myself for many years now. 

This is what my true self can now acknowledge. First and foremost, I am a child of God. I am deeply loved by the Creator of the Universe. Because of Him, I am not alone. I love Him fiercely. I have the Trinity to help me with everything in my life. I am safe because of them. I have different parts in my body that need to be heard; that need to express their feelings; that need the grace and healing that Jesus can provide because I matter to Him. My truest self wants Him and His will more than anything else in this world. 

I care about what happens in this world. It is a scary place to live right now. I want to say, in my opinion, the only way to survive or truly live is with Jesus by your side. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. My true self wants you to experience a relationship with Jesus. 

I want to serve my Lord by sharing what I have learned in this blog. I want to help you grow closer to Him. I am desperate for you to experience healing and learn to express your feelings to the One who can understand them and help you with them. Your story matters. Your feelings matter. Your healing matters. You matter. 

I have to admit that I still struggle with being okay when the ones I love aren’t. It is a daily process of giving it all to God. I know He has a way I don’t understand. I would not be here if it weren’t for Him. 

Yes, my life is still hard. But, I am learning from all the difficulties. I talk to God a lot! I am far from perfect. I am perfectly imperfect. But, I am determined to lean into and learn from God. 

I want to encourage you to discover who you are. Feel your feelings. Recognize your emotions. Bring Jesus into all of it. He will reveal so much to you and help you with all of it. He knows you better than you do. Ask questions. Ask Him to reveal who you are in HIm. 

Until next time dear friends… This is my journey to joy!

Hello my friends. It is so good to be with you again. When I first started writing this post, my body seemed to be in a good place. I actually had half of this post written and then my body went through dealing with trauma once again. This time, however, I was able to implement some new practices and recover much better than I did in February. So, I will be sharing with you in this post what I have been doing to honor the stories my body is telling me. 

Our bodies have a story to tell. We are actually created to listen to those stories. When something triggers the pain, trauma, etc. in our bodies, we are usually responding to an old story—something that happened to us years ago. The traumatic part inside of us is alerting us that something inside us needs to be tended to. I’ve learned if I don’t stop to listen, or keep ignoring what my body is telling me, the pain, grief, anxiety, fear, etc. will come out one way or another.

“Each of our bodies is a system that longs for and is created to move toward healing. When we don’t allow our bodies to process their experiences, they will certainly tell us—even if it means through panic attacks, chronic illness, depression, or more.” Kolber

My mom’s health makes me feel like I am living on a rollercoaster emotionally. When she fell recently, I tried to be more attentive to what was happening in my body. I sensed that I needed to stop and listen more than I have in the past. I grabbed my journal and decided that my body was more important than my to-do list.

I know, from many years of experience, that one of the best things I can do is take the time to sit and ask my parts why I am reacting the way I am. The different parts of me have a lot to say. It is my job to listen and help my parts work through the issues so we can receive healing.

I know it might sound weird to get to know the different parts you have inside you. Since we have different stages of life, we also have different parts that experience those stages. They have a story to tell. They want to have a voice. They want to heal. 

When I am engaging with my parts, I always ask the Lord to be with us. I ask Him to be present and help us understand what we need to talk about. This work is holy and sacred. He helps me show compassion and gives me the ability to truly listen so healing can begin.   

If you are struggling with issues from trauma, I believe getting to know your parts is one of the best things you can do. They live in your body and they have one thing in common….you.

I was so out of touch with what was going on inside of me for so many years. I denied what my body was saying to me. And because I just kept powering through instead of taking the time to listen, the panic attacks started. The anxiety flourished. The depression darkened my soul. 

“When we assess our needs, we are absolutely thinking of ourselves as we “ought”. Learning to attune to ourselves is essentially the climax of trying softer—we are aiming to rewire our brains so they receive what they needed when they were young.” Kolber

God made us so that we can rewire our brains. For those of us healing from trauma, mental illness, etc.— this is wonderful news!!! This is headline news!!! What we didn’t receive when we were younger, can be rewired in our brains. Stop and let that good news marinate in your body, your brain, your heart and your soul.

Let me say this…I haven’t always been good at responding and listening to my parts. It has taken me years to understand the process and do the work that is required. The best advice I can give myself and you is…be patient; be kind; show compassion to yourself; listen; love yourself and your parts.

I want to share an exercise with you that has been extremely helpful to me when I am struggling with overwhelming anxiety. It is called grounding. Here is the explanation of how to do this technique in Aundi Kolber’s book Try Softer.

Before you begin, perform a body scan and mentally notice if you feel connected to your body. You can do this by picturing a laser beam across your body that starts at your feet and moves up to the top of your head. Can you feel your breath? Do you notice any tingling or other sensations anywhere? Don’t worry about figuring out where they come from; for now simply notice them. Next, do the following to ground yourself in your present environment.

     Name five things you can see.

     Name four things you can touch and touch them. 

     Name three things you can hear.

     Name two things you can smell.

     Name one thing you can taste.

Now repeat the body scan. Do you notice anything different? Use this exercise when you begin to feel disconnected or overwhelmed to help you move back into your Window Of Tolerance.

I like to be outside when I do this exercise. After I am finished, I stop to look for beauty around me. I listen to the birds chirping. I felt the wind blowing in my hair. The sun is shining. I get in touch with my body and the parts that need my attention. This exercise has helped me calm down. I feel like I have unloaded a heavy burden after I am finished.

“We know from Scripture that as Christ followers we are image bearers of our God; we were known by our Creator in our mothers’ wombs; we are temples of the Holy Spirit; we are members of a royal nation; and—my favorite —we are beloved. I think it’s fair to say that as we honestly assess our own needs, we are absolutely thinking of ourselves as we “ought.” Kolber  

Getting to know who you are is so important. I bought into the lie that “I didn’t matter” for too many years. You are important. Your issues are important. You are valued. You are worth every cent you spend to heal. 

My biggest fear is that I will lose my mind. I saw my grandmother, my dad and my brother die from mental and physical issues. And now, my mother is slowly losing her mind. I am scared. I’ve watched the mental decline in people I dearly love. That is one of the many reasons I work so hard to keep that from happening to me. I know I am in God’s hands and if that is my fate, then so be it. But, I am going down fighting every step of the way. 

May is mental health awareness month. I wanted to have this post done at the beginning, not the end of the month. Obviously, there was much more to learn before I finished writing it. I have to say that our mental health is so important!!!!! We need to listen to the cries of our minds, bodies, hearts and souls. They are crying for a reason. They want to be held and comforted. They have a story to tell us. We just need to take the time to slow down, listen and show compassion. 

I am not an expert on this issue. My healing has been slow. There are a lot of layers to go through. But, I am noticing this work is helping me heal. Just last week I listened to the part of me that felt like she didn’t matter. I cried and cried and then cried some more. I listened and found out that part of me has felt that way since I was a little girl. I’ve carried around the feeling that I didn’t matter most of my life. I tell myself every day now that I matter. I tell that part that she matters. 

“We are invited to connect to and respond to our internal world because we are deeply valuable and loved by God and because that is true, we can rest in the fact that our needs matter.” Kolber

As I end this post, I would like to recommend two books by Aundi Kolber. They are Try Softer and Strong Like Water. Aundi has experienced trauma. Her words and her techniques are so helpful. I am learning so much from her.

Thank you Jesus for all the wonderful tools you give to us! Thank you for your healing power.  Thank you for the ability to rewire our brains so we can receive what we didn’t when we were young. 

If you are struggling, hang in there! You are worth it! Keep doing what you need to do to help your body, mind, heart and soul. 

I want to dedicate this post to my brother David. His struggles with mental illness were devastating. But, I will see him again one day and his face will be glowing. His eyes will no longer be filled with darkness. He will be at peace and happy to be with his Savior. Oh, how I long to see him like that one day!!!

Until next time dear friends…. This is my journey to joy.

It has been a few months since I’ve been able to write. I experienced a situation a few months ago that triggered me and sent me into a tailspin emotionally and physically. My mind was reeling with questions and thoughts. My body was reacting with horrible anxiety. I couldn’t understand why I was triggered so severely. I was so confused and discouraged. So I decided, with the Lord’s help, I needed to go deeper into understanding trauma.

Everything that lives inside our bodies can at some point break down. We might need to have surgery to repair a bone that gets broken or take out an appendix if it ruptures. We might need to have our kidney stones removed. (I am far too familiar with that type of surgery!) You get the idea. Sometimes our bodies need to be repaired. But what do we do when our mind needs repair?

When we deal with PTSD or other mental issues, we can’t go in and remove our brains. Surgery isn’t going to be the answer. But, we can work on repairing the damage that has been done. Restoring our minds is definitely not a quick fix. It might take years to mend the damage that was done. But I am learning, that restoration can happen because we have a God who is in the business of restoring our minds, bodies and souls.

“Many of us feel deep shame around our feelings of anxiety or disconnection—as if we should be stronger than we are or just “get over” our fears. But what I want you to hear is this: It’s important that we honor our stories, and it’s vital that we understand and have compassion for the biological responses our bodies now have because of those stories. Many of our responses happen whether we want them to or not.” Aundi Kolber

My body has been biologically responding to the trauma that happened to me in my childhood for many years. I have suffered from anxiety, panic attacks and at times depression. Even though my father and the danger of his presence is gone, my body still responds as if the violence was still present. The fact that I haven’t been able to control how my body reacts has only made it worse. It has been a horrible battle for years. 

I was talking with my counselor and I realized something that I never have before. I’ve always told myself that I handled my abusive childhood better than my brother did because he was the one that committed suicide. I made myself believe I was the tougher one and he was more sensitive than I was. I think I did that because I had to be the stronger one in my mind in order to survive. Well, that was a lie. 

I realize now, that I have to admit that I was just as profoundly affected by my childhood as my brother was. The trauma has nearly destroyed me. My story could have easily been suicide. The only way I am going to heal, is to honor my story; be honest with my feelings and help the different parts of me feel like they have a voice. I need to bring them into the presence of Jesus where there is always help and safety. 

“When we consciously or unconsciously feel we aren’t safe, our bodies automatically shift into hyper- or hypoarousal. This is an incredibly helpful instinct when we are in actual danger. However, the neuroception of folks who’ve grown up in physically or emotionally threatening situations can become skewed. This sense is exacerbated if they feel they don’t have a voice, choice, or way to set limits on experiences that feel threatening.” Aundi Kolber

I have to accept the fact that my brain developed differently than a child who was living in a safe environment. When I was growing up, I felt threatened daily because I was living in a war zone from the moment I woke up till the moment I fell asleep. Yes, I wish my life could have been different. But I am realizing that God is writing a different story for me. A story that I want to share with you. 

I have spoken often about journaling. It is still the best way I can communicate with my Savior. But now, I am trying to listen to my body more than I have in the past. I am trying to honor my story and be kind to myself. 

When my body is in full panic mode the last thing I think of is kindness. I have a lifetime of bad habits to change that include pushing through pain and willing myself to look okay. I am learning that I have to listen to my body, be kind to it, and figure out what I need to do to feel safe. I was not safe as a child and to be perfectly honest, I haven’t felt safe as an adult very often.

“If you grew up without a secure attachment, you may not feel you can reach out for help when scared—this is a clue that your experiences have made your “Window of Tolerance” smaller. We must figure out how to establish safety for our bodies. If we can listen to and respond to our bodies’ needs, whether that means releasing energy by getting outside or staying connected to ourselves through conscious breathing, our WOT will begin to grow, and true healing can occur. It is slow work, but friend, nothing could be more worth it.” Kolber

The kindness part trips me up a lot because I get so frustrated with the process. I get frustrated with my body reacting the way it does. My body can get triggered without my mind knowing what is going on. I just want to scream and cry most of the time. 

I am learning to befriend the parts of me that need someone to listen to them. I realize that might sound weird to some of you. But I have to tell you this has been an amazing experience. I have encountered a younger part; a teenage part; a very anxious part; a threatened part; an angry part: a fearful part; and many others that I can’t remember right now. Each time I listen to them, I learn and I heal. 

I want to pause and say something right now to you, your friends and your family. I/You did not choose to be abused. I/You did not choose to be yelled at or belittled. I/You did not choose to live in a home filled with anger and fear. I/You did not choose to live in a war zone every single day. I/You cannot help what happened to us. This is something that I/You are not just going to get over. Instead, we are going to get through it!!

I have spent so much of my time beating myself up because I couldn’t get over it. Maybe you have too. But, by the grace of God, I am going to get through it. I will get through this because of the work I put into healing and also the work of the Holy Spirit in me. 

I know our friends and families have a hard time understanding all of this because they haven’t lived it. They just want us to get better. There is a lot of stress and frustration out there with the process of healing. I know… because I have been on both sides. 

When my brother was really sick with OCD, I felt so helpless. I saw a darkness in his eyes. I just wanted him to get better. I did whatever I could to help him. Year after year I watched him go through so many different treatments and nothing seemed to help him. I know he felt alone, frustrated, scared and angry because we didn’t understood what he was going through.

Can I just say something about that? The next time you feel tempted to get frustrated with yourself, your friend, or family member… stop and take a moment to pray. Pray for yourself and that person. Love yourself and one another. Be kind to one another. Be kind to yourself. You will find more peace by doing that than trying to push through or put unrealistic expectations on yourself or that person. 

Healing is tricky. My brother and I grew up in the same household, but our bodies reacted very differently. He had his story and I have mine. I really wish I would have know then, what I know now, so I could have reacted differently. I think that’s true for most of us. 

His death set off a chain reaction inside of me that I have been dealing with for years. He was the one that uncovered the truth of what was happening inside my family. To be honest, my body and my mind wasn’t ready for the truth to come out. But, ready or not, I have been on a journey that I wouldn’t trade for anything because it has brought me into a relationship with Jesus that I didn’t know was possible. 

So, in order to honor my brother and my story, I would like to keep writing as many posts as I can to share with you what I am learning and also what I am implementing in my healing process. There is so much to tell you. I am like an onion that is having its’ layers peeled away one at a time.

I look forward to sharing with you. I have already talked about journaling, which in my opinion, is instrumental in healing. Knowing you have an empathetic witness, which is what I talked about in my last post, is key. You also need to have a counselor and a support system. I will talk more about honoring your story, befriending your parts and being kind to yourself and so much more in my next posts. 

Until then my friends…This is my journey to joy!