You might think it strange that I pick a topic like anger to talk about during the holiday season. To be honest, I’d rather not talk about anger. But, God has been gently prodding me… More
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Fighting To Survive
It feels so good to be writing again. Talking about my mental health struggles has definitely not been an easy topic to write or talk about. Would I have volunteered to do this? I think not. But, God called me to do this and has given me a passion to help others. I sincerely pray my story will encourage you and help you with your journey as we walk towards healing.
Like a rollercoaster ride, I’ve had many ups and downs with my mental health. I never know what might trigger me and throw me into a fight or flight response. Sometimes, the trigger can come out of nowhere and that’s exactly what happened to me this past February. Something happened that I wasn’t expecting and definitely wasn’t prepared for.
Here’s what happened… My dad’s birthday was the beginning of February. My brother innocently sent us a video of an interaction he had with my dad years ago. When I saw my dad’s face and heard his voice, my heart started racing and my body started shaking. Even though my dad died thirteen years ago, my body felt like he was standing right in front of me.
I was in complete shock that I reacted the way I did. I watched the video again, hoping for a different response, but my reaction was still the same. I simply couldn’t figure out why, after so many years of counseling, reading, studying, praying and soul searching, I was still so shaken by my father.
I kept telling my body, “He’s gone. He can’t hurt me any more. We are safe now.” I began to ask God, “Why am I reacting the way I am? I don’t understand. I’ve been doing the work to heal for years and I am completely caught off guard by this! What in the world is going on?”
My body was triggered and couldn’t calm down. I knew my body was reacting to the video, but I couldn’t get the shaking to stop. My fight or flight response completely took over. I was doing everything I knew to help my body calm down, but nothing worked.
The war that was raging inside me continued for almost three months. I was struggling to sleep. I was barely functioning. I didn’t want to leave my house. I spent many days in the fetal position on the floor of my bedroom rocking back and forth. I daily cried out to God begging Him to take the terror away. I prayed on my knees and sometimes laid prostrate on the floor before my Heavenly Father. I was so scared the trembling inside me would never stop.
I knew God was with me. I knew He could work a miracle in me. I prayed and prayed He would take it all away, but, that’s not what happened. I couldn’t understand why my body was in a state of panic. I was angry, sad, desperate, and scared because I needed my body to stop doing what it was doing. I couldn’t control what was happening and that was a very scary feeling. I was afraid I was going to completely lose my mind.
I’ve mentioned many times that I had an abusive childhood. But, to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t just abused as a child. I was abused as a teenager and an adult as well. The last time my dad hurt me physically was in high school, but the verbal and psychological abuse continued until the day he died. I experienced fifty two years of living with some form of abuse.
I’ve tried to make light of his affect on me. I realize I can’t do that any more. I am learning I have to be honest or I am not going to heal. I’ve learned It doesn’t do any good to fight what is going on inside me. In fact, we make things worse when we do. When my body was reacting to seeing my dad’s face and hearing his voice, I realized, maybe for the first time in my life, how deeply his words and actions nearly destroyed me. Seeing his face and listening to his voice were big indicators that I hadn’t healed yet. I was so discouraged that he still had that affect on me.
God gently reminded me that there are many things inside me that aren’t finished healing. My response was, “But Lord, I want to be done!! I want to be over it!!! I am sick and tired of this!! I just want to be normal. Why can’t I function like everyone else seems to? Why does my body do what it does? Help me! Please take this from me!!!!! I hate feeling the way I do!!!”
But I also knew, the more I fought what was happening, the longer the healing process was going to take. Our bodies have to do what they need to do in order to heal. So, we sometimes have to feel really bad before we can feel better. I know. It stinks!!!
I am learning a lot about myself. I realize my dad’s abuse made me feel unworthy of love; unworthy of healing; unworthy of praise; unworthy of connection; unworthy of hope and unworthy of being treated as I should be treated and so much more.
For a very long time, I haven’t felt like I deserved to be given good things. I’ve hated myself for many many years because I couldn’t seem to get myself together. I’ve been so desperate to be “normal” that I haven’t been able to accept the journey God has for me. I’ve been fighting Him instead of trusting Him.
“Comfort is never found in answers. Comfort is found in arms.” Voskamp
I love answers. I think most of us do. Even though, I prefer answers, God met me with comfort while I was on my knees and on the floor in the fetal position crying out for help. I knew, the only way I was going to make it, was to hang on to Him for dear life. My survival depended on Him and His comforting arms.
“In the face of pain and betrayal, God agonized. Never doubt God understands where you are, and God knows what it’s like to be you. The vulnerability of this kind of God proves the reliability of this kind of story. Jesus held the cup that holds the story you never wanted; Jesus held the cup that holds the darkness you never wanted to know, the pain you wish you and your people had escaped, the scars that have forever marred your only heart.” Voskamp
It’s horrible to suffer. Frankly, I prefer not to. But, I am in a relationship with Someone who knows suffering. He knows what it’s like to be me. He knows the pain and the darkness I feel. He knows there are many days I don’t necessarily love my story.
While I was desperately looking for answers, I realized my eyes were fixated more on answers and healing than on Jesus. It was a sobering revelation. Of course we want answers. We want to understand. But sometimes, God looks at us and says, “My comfort is enough right now.” I know, those words are hard to hear when we are desperate for an answer or healing.
“Its the way the human eye turns—we look toward loss, fixated on what we can’t fix. The eyes of the heart are drawn to absences. We look toward loss because our interior health is ultimately a function of how we see loss, process loss, live in spite of loss, live through endless loss. How we view our losses determines how we brave our life.” Voskamp
I’ve known for a long time, that I tried to fix my dad, and a lot of others, by pleasing and performing. My body and my mind have paid a huge price living that way. I’ve lived a life trying to keep everyone happy, so I could feel safe. My safety can’t be dependent on others. I need to believe that God is the only One who will keep me safe.
God doesn’t want me or you to live for anyone else. He wants us to live for His great good and glory. That needs to be our priority. But, I also know how hard it is to live that way when you’ve been conditioned to protect yourself.
“Pour out your heart to Jesus with expectation, and fully trust that Jesus will always move, but always in a way profoundly different from the way you expect.” Voskamp
I have to be honest… When I was crying out to God the past three months, I struggled with the way He was moving or not moving in my life. I wanted healing. I wanted it to happen now, so I didn’t have to go through another day of mental and physical anguish. I look back and wonder how I made it through. I know He didn’t move how I expected Him to move, but He gave me the ability to hang in there day after day. (I also had dear friends who were fervently praying for me.)
We are so limited on how to perceive and understand God’s ways. There are many times our minds can’t comprehend what is going on. But… He promises to work things out for good in our lives. He promises to always be with us and never leave us. He promises He has a purpose that is good and perfect for us. I know how hard it is to believe His truth when we are falling apart. But, we have to believe His promises. He’s all I’ve got to get me through life. I must believe His words are true.
If you are struggling, I’m so sorry! I pray this post helps in some way. If you don’t have a counselor, find one. If you don’t have people praying for you, ask them to. I know how hard it is to be vulnerable around others. If you aren’t crying out to God, cry out! If you need to take medication, take it. I’ve struggled taking mine for years. But for now, I have to.
“And the Word of God does all the real work within you as you obey and trust that though you may not yet see how God is working, the Way is working everything out. Even though you may not yet see what has changed, you can act on Jesus’ Word, trust in Jesus’ Word, lean on Jesus’ Word. The best way to find the way through is to keep walking the way of obedience. This is the pilgrimage of our lives.” Voskamp
When God asked me to write about my struggles years ago, I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going. I can’t believe I am still here, sharing everything I am learning and living out in my life. I questioned God many times the past three months. I doubted His ways and I was definitely more honest than I’ve ever been as I cried out to Him. I said words I never thought I’d say to Him. But I can now see, that everything that happened and the words I spoke, were necessary to get me to where I am today. I am grateful. I am thankful. I still love God and want His will in my life.
In case you are wondering, my body is finally calming down. I am able to function without a lot of anguish and pain most days. I have to give my mental health to Him daily. Do I still want to be healed? Absolutely. Do I want my days to be void of debilitating anxiety? Yes! But, I will walk with God and ask Him to give me the strength I need to make it through another day. I have to live my life fully dependent on Him.
There are so many Psalms that address our fear, anxiety, depression, anguish, hard times, etc. I recommend finding a few Psalms that speak to you and your situation. Read the verses out loud as a prayer to God because there is so much power in praying God’s word.
Here are a few verses that might be helpful for you.
Proverbs 3: 5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
Psalm 62:8 “Trust in Him at all times; you people, pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.”
Psalm 32:8 “I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.”
Psalm 105:4 “Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always.”
Life is definitely a journey filled with many ups and downs. I’ve had to fight my way through many days, months and years. God is bringing me closer to a place where I can trust Him and His ways. Yes, I love answers and understanding, but I want to accept His good and perfect will for me. I want to believe Him when He says He will make my path straight.
I am learning faith is a long obedience in the right direction. I want my direction to be towards Jesus, even if it is filled with a lot of yucky stuff. He is the only One who can bring beauty out of ashes. I can’t imagine living my life without Him by my side.
Until next time dear friends….This is my journey to joy!
When The Snow And Ice Storms Hit
When I wrote my last post about finding a home within, I had no idea the home I was building within myself was about to be threatened. I knew January was going to be a hard month for me because of the loss of my mom a year ago. I was already bracing myself for all the emotions that I knew were going to surface around the day she died. However, I wasn’t prepared for how my body was going to react to a snow and ice storm that hit our little town in Indiana.
A few weeks ago, a beautiful snow began to fall. Then freezing rain became part of the mixture. Our power rallied to stay on most of the day, but it finally gave out in the evening. We were able to sleep in our house the first night, but quickly realized we wouldn’t be able to stay in our home without heat. The temperature fluctuated between forty to fifty degrees. The next day, we got our generator going to save the food in our refrigerators and run a few space heaters, but it was still too cold to stay in our house. So, we packed up and went to stay somewhere else. The home inside me was beginning to crumble.
An old familiar part of myself was being activated by my circumstances. Sometimes I know why, and other times I don’t what is triggering me. It took several days for me to understand that the trauma of my youth was screaming at me. When this part of myself gets activated, my body goes into fight or flight mode. This part felt powerless, out of control, scared, unsafe, angry, and alone. Even though I was safe, had a place to stay and could sleep in warmth, that part was not reacting in a positive way.
“You thought you were over these things, beyond being so easily activated. But in an instant, you’re right back there. And like the Israelites- like Adam and Eve before them-you abandon the big beautiful story of goodness, joy, and connection you were made for, returning instead to you old security blankets. It’s into this frazzling and frustrating place that God comes.” Chuck DeGroat
After I read the words I quoted above, I realized that my biggest security blanket passed away a year ago. I didn’t understand how hard my life was going to be without her. She was the biggest security blanket I’ve ever owned. I thought to myself, “What do I do now that she is gone? Who do I turn to? Who is going to comfort me?” Then, I remember… “It’s into this frazzling and frustrating place that God comes.” DeGroat
I’m learning when things happen to us, it’s an invitation to stop and reflect, not push forward. That’s what I needed to do to figure out why my body felt threatened by the snow storm. You might think it’s really silly to be triggered by that. But for some reason, there was an old story inside me that needed to be addressed.
I understand it isn’t always easy to stop and reflect. In fact, it can be quite painful. DeGroat says, “We must remember what has happened to us because it reconnects us to ourselves, to each other, and to God. And….it’s in the remembering, where we can ask hard questions, identify the lies we believe and name those responsible for the lies. Yikes!!!!!
My mom was never verbally abusive, but my father was. His words made me feel inadequate, incompetent, silly, powerless, unloved, angry, and unsafe. On the other hand, my mom’s words were encouraging and brought truth and life to me. But, whose words did I listen to the most? Whose words did I believe? Whose words had the most impact on me? My dad’s words. He was the one that brought so many lies and problems into my life.
When we remember and name the lie or problem it is called redemptive remembering. There is purpose in this process. We remember to heal, not to point fingers or cast judgment. This process has helped me understand why I think and react the way I do. It helps me feel better about myself because there is an explanation for why my body reacts the way it does.
Here’s how redemptive remembering works. All you need to do is make a very simple time line of your life. Separate your life into categories: childhood, teenage years, college, twenties, thirties, forties, fifties and present. You don’t have to do decades. You could just say adulthood. This might seem overwhelming at first, but once you get started, it goes rather quickly.
For example, I wrote down under each category in my timeline, what happened to me to make me feel powerless. During my childhood, I had to tip toe around my dad. Frankly, I tried to stay away from him as much as possible. I watched him yell, scream, hit and threaten all of us and we were powerless to do anything to stop him. Into my teens and adulthood, I was still powerless because I felt like my decisions had to be based on how my dad was going to react to them. I was powerless to run my own life. In my twenties and thirties, I saw my brother begin to fall apart when he developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I felt powerless to help him. I couldn’t even help myself. Then, in my late thirties, my powerlessness ramped up into high gear when my brother committed suicide. In my forties, well lets just say, I fell apart.
As you can see, there were many things in my life that made me feel powerless. Redemptive remembering has helped me pinpoint what makes me feel that way. It’s kind of like a domino affect. Snowstorm—body rattled—part inside that feels powerless—dad made me feel powerless because of his physical and emotional abuse—part needs to remember that dad is gone—he has no power over her—this is an old story—I will listen and tend to this part with the help of the Trinity—seek truth over the lies—body begins to calm down—body will learn a new story—body was made to heal—remember that!
Our lives can be extremely messy. Yes, it’s painful to remember, but it’s also very enlightening. My brother’s death was the beginning of unlocking everything I’d kept buried within me. It’s taken me many years to be able to find my voice because I believed the lie that I was powerless and couldn’t use my voice. I believed my voice didn’t matter because I couldn’t speak without getting into trouble. I believed that if I told how things really were in my childhood, I would be ridiculed.
Our stories need to be told so others can be helped. If my brother were here today, I think he would definitely want what happened to us to be used in order to bring support and assistance to others.
So, when the snow and ice storms hit in our lives, it’s a call to listen to our bodies and listen to the kind voice of God. Remember, “It’s into this frustrating and frazzling place that God comes.” His voice might be the only kind voice you’ve ever heard or will hear. Invite Him in to what is going on inside you. Ask Him to help you. Show compassion to your body and your parts when they get triggered. Give redemptive remembering a try. May we take the time to remember what we need to, so we can move forward and heal.
Until next time my friends. This is my journey to joy.
*Most of my references are from Chuck DeGroat’s book Healing What’s Within. I highly recommend this book.
Building A Home Within
Hello my dear friends! It feels so good to be writing again. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that a new year is beginning. 2024 was definitely a difficult year for me because of the loss of my mother. But, it was also a year that taught me a lot about myself.
I felt a huge void after my mom passed away because my mom made me feel like I was home when I was with her. I think there is something about losing that last parent that makes you feel like an orphan. I felt lost, abandoned and scared. As the months slowly passed, I realized I had to learn to make a home within myself. A home that made more space for God’s presence. A home where I feel safe and happy to be with God.
“At the innermost heart, at the furthest reach, of our remembering, there is peace. The secret place of the Most High is there. Eden is there, the still waters, the green pastures. Home is there.” Frederick Buccher
What does the word “home” conjure up in your mind? Do you smile when you think of home or do you cringe? Do you want to go home or do you want to run away? Do you feel safe at home or do you feel terror? These are the questions I’ve been asking myself.
Chuck DeGroat writes: “Home is within the ‘still waters’ of God’s love and care.” Psalm 23:2 “It is where we discover God as our refuge, our safe place amid danger.” Psalm 46:1 “Home is being hidden with Christ in God.” Colossians 3:3 “Rooted and grounded in love.” Ephesians 3:17 “We’re not alone here, because the Holy Spirit dwells in us and with us always, even when we’ve strayed far from home.” 1 Corinthians 6:19
From Psalm 42…“My deepest longing is for Home, because it is the only place you’ll find shalom, the wholeness and flourishing for which you were created.”
God created us to flourish, to find shalom, to be whole, and to be at home in our bodies. We can’t find shalom with things outside of ourselves. I’ve spent too many years yearning for people to make me feel safe or help me be whole. It doesn’t work! If I want to flourish, have peace, and be whole, it has to come from within.
“What could be worse than not being at home in our own house? What hope do we have of finding rest outside of ourselves if we cannot be at ease within? If we don’t cultivate peace at home, we will not find it in alien places.” St.Teresa of Avila
I don’t know if I’ve ever felt at ease within. I’ve lived with constant angst most of my life. Always thinking I could be more or do more. I just couldn’t get settled until I dealt with what was going on with the parts that were inside me. Losing my mom opened my eyes to so many things I needed to see. When we lose a person, a dream, a job, or a hope that we’ve clung to, we have to find a way to reroute. My rerouting has been finding a home within myself by engaging with God daily.
“Many of us thought our emotions and bodies were problems to be solved rather than sources of wisdom to be honored, as King David reveals in Psalm 38.” DeGroat
I hate to admit that I’ve spent years looking at myself as a problem I had to fix. My daily thoughts have been, “If I could just fix my anxiety and trauma, then I might be able to function like a normal human being. I wish I could make my PTSD go away so I wouldn’t be triggered so often. I’m spending a fortune on counseling. I’m reading scripture. I’m journaling. I’m doing everything I know to do to heal. Why, oh why, is it taking so long?”
I didn’t understand the value of the wisdom I was gaining through counseling, reading, praying and writing. I just wanted a quick fix, which most of us do. It’s hard to keep going day after day with so many issues going on inside of us because we are human “beings”, not “doings”, with real feelings. There isn’t a magical wand that takes our pain away.
“But if David’s words teach us anything, they teach us to be honest. They teach us to name what we are feeling. They teach us to listen. There is no mental work-around to heal our wounds, no training manual to memorize, no verse to claim some miraculous victory that sidesteps real, honest engagement with God and with the stories our bodies are telling. The truth is that we can follow our feelings to God; we can listen to our bodies in order to long more deeply for God’s grace, presence and healing.” DeGroat
I’ve tried talk therapy, which is very helpful. I’ve tried EMDR. I take medication. I’ve prayed scripture. I’ve told myself, “If I just believe, have more faith, or pray more, things will change” because that’s what I heard in church. But, when you look at the therapies I’ve listed, there is something crucial that is missing. It’s the stories our bodies are holding inside of us that haven’t been addressed. It’s the parts that are desperate for us to pay attention to them. And, that my friends, is where the work begins. You are home when you are able to engage with God and with the stories and parts inside of you.
I pray 2025 will be a year that enables us to build a home within ourselves filled with His presence. I pray we will feel peace, joy, grace, safety, joy and forgiveness. I pray we will engage more with our Creator and be honest about what is bothering us. I pray we won’t be shy about asking for His help and guidance. I pray we will take the time to listen and be still. And finally, I pray we will be able to tap into the parts inside of us that have so many stories to tell. I pray we will be able to listen and talk with God about those stories so we can heal and be able to feel at home inside our bodies. May we long for God more and more each day and follow our feelings straight to Him. I’m excited to see what happens inside all of us this year.
Until next time…This is my journey to joy!
Grief Unlocks Things We’ve Kept Hidden
Have you ever been grieving, over someone or something, and all of a sudden you realize there are feelings, emotions and thoughts inside you that you didn’t realize were there? A few weeks ago, I was journaling, pouring my heart out to God, when I heard His voice say to me, “You aren’t exactly thrilled with the way your life has turned out. You aren’t happy with the way I’ve answered your prayers. I would like to show you why.”
When I heard those words, I immediately started crying because I felt so guilty for feeling the way I did. But, I knew He was right because He is always right. To even admit, I wasn’t happy with the way God answered my prayers, was unsettling. But, I also knew He would reveal to me why I was so disappointed. In that moment, my childhood began to unfold before me.
The first movie I recall watching as a little girl was Cinderella. I didn’t have an evil stepmother or evil stepsisters, but I could relate to the mistreatment she experienced from them. I wasn’t mistreated by my mother, but I was by my father. I grew up yearning for a different reaction from him on a daily basis. Cinderella just wanted to be loved and accepted. She worked tirelessly day after day to survive her life with her family. So did I.
My little self yearned for a day that my Prince Charming would come and rescue me. I didn’t realize what that movie, and others like it, did to me internally. I developed an attitude that if I worked hard enough, did enough, pleased enough, and did everything I could to make everyone happy, I would be rescued from all the bad things that were happening around me.
So, I sacrificed myself, in so many ways, day after day after day hoping and praying things would be different. What do they say about insanity? It is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. While I was sitting there, pondering my insanity, Jesus brought to my mind a story that I recently discussed with a friend of mine. It is called The Drowning Man. If you don’t know this story, let me share it with you.
The Drowning Man
A man was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help. Soon a man in a rowboat came by. The guy in the rowboat shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.”
The man on the roof shouted back, “No, it’s ok. I’m praying to God and He is going to save me.” So the rowboat moved on.
Then a guy in a motorboat came by. He shouted, “Jump in, I can save you!” The stranded man replied, “No thanks. I’m praying to God and He is going to save me. I have faith.” So the motor boat went on.
Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.” To this the stranded man again replied, “No thanks. I’m praying to God and He is going to save me. I have faith.” So the helicopter reluctantly flew away.
Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, “I had faith in you, but you didn’t save me. You let me drown. I don’t understand why!”
To this God replied, “I sent you a rowboat, a motorboat and a helicopter. What more did you expect?”
A huge, and I mean huge, revelation came to me after I thought about this story. The little girl inside me, who wanted a “Cinderella” outcome, was not happy with the things God sent her. She longed to be swept away by someone. She craved for a different outcome with the ones she loved. She desperately wanted her life to turn out differently. She didn’t want everything to be so hard. She desired an easier way. She yearned for a different response from God and from the people she loved.
After my revelation, I wrote, “Oh what a moment this is for me! Since, I’ve been a little girl, I’ve been living my life wanting a different response from You. I didn’t see or understand that I’ve been doing this. No wonder I yearn for so much more; for a different outcome; for my life to be different. I’ve been so focused on the way I wanted everything to be. You’ve been handing me the resources to save me and I’ve been waiting for a different response from you. I wanted the fairy godmother response. “Poof! Everything is better!” I wanted miracles. I wanted people to behave themselves and act the way they should. “Why can’t they treat me and others better than they do?”
I don’t think I can adequately explain what that moment with the Lord did for me. I was finally able to look at that little girl inside me and have so much compassion for her because what she wanted wasn’t bad. Her desires were good. She just wanted an easier way. A way that wasn’t filled with so much heartache.
I have to admit, I’ve struggled with accepting the different ways He’s chosen to rescue me throughout my life. I just couldn’t see or understand what He was doing in my life because it wasn’t the way I would have chosen.
I began to journal and say, “Thank you for the resources You’ve sent my way to save me. You’ve given me a relationship with You that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Your way taught me so much more than I could ever imagine. Your way gave me a calling to help others. Your way has given me life changing results, which I would say, are little miracles along the way.”
Maybe some of you can relate to what I am saying. Maybe you haven’t been happy with the way your life has turned out. Maybe you feel grief over lost dreams and desires. Maybe you wanted a different outcome with the people that you love. Maybe you haven’t been able to see the hand of God in your life.
Would you please take a moment and ask Him to help you see what He is doing in your life? Open your heart up to His will and His desires for you. For me, I’ve had to come to the point of accepting God’s way instead of mine. Sometimes, it is extremely difficult to accept His way especially when you come from an abusive background.
I want to share something I recently read by Jackie Hill Perry. “It’s a strange feeling to love someone that’s supposed to love you back and for some reason, they can’t or won’t. I’ve come to terms with the limits of my father’s love. He was human. My father was still a gift to this world and to me and God knew this from the beginning. He knew I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have him and for that, I can smile on days like this.”
There were many, many times I asked God, “Why did you give me a dad like this?” But now I see why. My dad’s abusive words gave me the desire to think before I speak. His alcoholism made me never want to be controlled by alcohol. The way he treated us made me determined to show kindness and patience towards others. He made me work for things I wanted, so he gave me a strong work ethic. He was good at helping others when they needed help, so I’ve always tried to so the same. And most of all, because of his abuse, I was determined to be different. I was determined to follow Jesus. And if my childhood would have been easier, maybe I wouldn’t have wanted a relationship with my Savior.
I believe we’ve all been the drowning man at some point in our lives. We’ve wanted a different response from God. His response to our cries for help hasn’t always been the answer we’ve yearned for. We keep looking for other ways instead of His ways. I think we have to come to the point where we have to give it all to Him and be okay with His response. Even though I might struggle with His ways, they are better than mine. When I am able to finally step back and see what He has done in my life, I am able to realize the good that has come from some pretty awful situations.
God can only give good. He is perfect and His ways are perfect, even if we struggle with them. Beauty can come from ashes. Hope can be found even amid despair. Resurrection is possible. God is in the business of birthing life from death. He is our Prince Charming. He does answer our cries for help with something far better than we can imagine.
“We need to imagination of artists, poets, prophets, writers, musicians, and all those who have the capacity to view life with a more expansive viewpoint.” Kolber
I know, for a fact, that my tunnel vision has only given me an immense disappointment with God because He didn’t move in my life the way I thought He should move. I couldn’t see what He was doing because I was stubborn, like the drowning man, about the way I should be rescued. My vision has kept me from seeing what He’s done and is doing in my life.
God has been so gracious to turn the key and open the door, so I could look at the things I’ve kept hidden inside me. I know there will be many more moments ahead of me and I am grateful for the way He continues to work in my life. Yes, it’s hard to see myself sometimes, but it’s also wonderful to help me understand why I react the way I do; why I think the way I do; why I live the way I do.
My journey with grief is definitely helping me understand so much about myself. Even though there are days that are really hard, there are also many days that I feel empowered by what He is showing me because there is always purpose to our pain. Always.
I would like to end this post with a prayer. “Lord, You are holy and perfect. You are constantly watching over us. May Your will be done in our lives. Help us to to look within ourselves and ask the tough questions we need to ask. Give us insight into what we need to learn about ourselves. Help us see the ways You are rescuing us. Help us to come to terms with what we want and exchange our desires for Your desires. May we learn to trust You. May we believe how much You love us and only want what is good for us. Give us eyes to see the beauty that comes from the ashes in our lives. Give us a grateful heart for what You have done and will continue to do. May You take our pain and turn it into joy. Amen! “
Until next time dear friends. This is my journey to joy.
Lessons From Grief
I’m baaack!!!!!
It feels really good to say that! The past five months have been an emotional roller coaster for me since my mom passed away. I had no idea how difficult losing my mom was going to be. I thought I would be so relieved for her to be with Jesus. But instead of relief, I’ve felt so much pain and sadness.
Don’t get me wrong. I am so happy she is with Jesus and no longer suffering with mental and physical ailments. She is home. She is at peace. I picture her sitting at the feet of Jesus listening to His every word. I imagine her clapping her hands praising Him with everything she has within her.
But, I miss her. I miss her smile; her encouragement; her laughs; her hugs; her words of affirmation; her wisdom; her goofiness; and most of all her presence. I always felt good about myself when I was with her. She had a way of making me feel special.
Mom and I fought many battles together. My abusive father; my brother’s mental illness; our family dynamics; Mom’s health issues. We both struggled with depression and anxiety. We also wrestled with self-esteem issues. We had a strong bond between us.
We could relate to each other and lift each other up when one of us needed encouragement. She was the best encourager to me and to others. If she were here, she would say I was the best at finding laughter and being goofy. I can hear her saying, “Honey, whenever I am with you, you make me laugh. I need to laugh.”
Even though I am grieving, and even though I miss her, God is teaching me how to cope and feel my grief, so I don’t get stuck in it.
I’ve come to the conclusion that most of us don’t value what grief can teach us. We don’t take the time to process all the emotions and feelings that are going on inside of us. What we usually do is “suck it up” and move on. The problem with doing that is the fact that our feelings and emotions will eventually surface. And when that happens, it can be devastating.
I know from personal experience what can happen when you “suck it up!” For forty years, I kept my feelings and emotions buried as far down as I could, but then there came a day when my body said, “NO MORE!” My body was telling me I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing. The panic attacks hit me hard. It was a horrible time in my life, but it was also the best time in may life because I was forced to deal with so many issues that I buried deep inside me.
Grieving also doesn’t always happen because of a death. We can grieve over relationships, jobs, lost dreams, our past, words that were said, injustice, poverty, the world we live in, hate and corruption. A heart can grieve over many things. It’s what we learn from our grief that helps us heal.
“Our bodies deserve to be witnessed and honored with dignity in our deepest pain.” Kolber We need to love our bodies, more than ever, when we are going through something traumatic. Our society wants us to move on and get over it much sooner than our bodies are ready to.
After my mom passed away, I remember saying to the Lord, “Help me grieve. Help me learn and grow through my grieving. I don’t want to shove my feelings down because we know that hasn’t worked for me in the past. I want to face this with You by my side. I want to cry as much as I need to. I want to embrace my feeling and emotions. I want to be aware of what my body needs. Thank you for being by my side and never letting go of me.”
God made our bodies to be able to process our pain, our trauma, and our emotions and feelings. Our nervous systems are designed to move towards wholeness, but our unresolved pain and trauma can impede our healing.
After mom passed away in January, I tried to pay attention to how my body was reacting to her death. At first, I experienced extreme fatigue. I cried all the time. My brain was so foggy that I felt like I couldn’t think straight. My reactions were completely normal, but I wasn’t comfortable with the way my body was reacting. I knew if I didn’t allow my body to process my grief, I would make things worse.
The biggest lesson I am learning is the fact that I must tend to my body. WE MUST!!! And in order to tend, we have to find time to be alone to listen to what is going on inside of us.
“Our power comes not from the wounds, but the tending. Not from the trauma, but from the way it’s cared for. Love is the building block for true resilience.” Kolber
If you are like me, and had to push and scratch and claw your way through life in order to survive, tending to your body is very difficult to do at first. Showing myself compassion has not been easy. I can get extremely frustrated with my body for reacting the way it does. But what I am realizing is, being frustrated, isn’t going to get me anywhere. My frustration can easily turn into condemnation. My body has been through too much and fought really hard for me to survive and even thrive. I need to love what my body has done for me and not condemn it.
I wasn’t shown unconditional love by my father. I had to perform and please to get attention and love. So, I’ve had a very hard time loving myself. It’s much easier for me to criticize myself than give myself compassion. I’ve been my biggest obstacle. I’m working really hard to change in this area because I realize I have to show myself compassion in order to move forward.
A second lesson from grief is the fact that our bodies are powerful communicators. If your body is reacting to something in your life, it is trying to tell you to stop and tend to it. Tears are a gift from God because they are one of the best ways for our bodies to release our pain and sorrow. How many times have you heard that tears are a sign of weakness? I beg to differ. They are a sign of power because you are allowing what needs to flow come out of you.
We need to cry. Jesus wept with grief. (John 11:35) Our emotions are important. Our feelings matter. If I hear somebody else say tears are a sign of weakness, I might just have to slap that person in the face. My father told us growing up that, “Pain doesn’t hurt.” You can imagine how that statement scarred me emotionally because my pain does hurt. My poor body didn’t know how to process pain because of those words.
Another lesson from grief is we can’t logic ourselves out of the way our body reacts. Most of the time, our bodies are responding to something in our past that is triggering us in the present. I can’t tell you how many times my body has gone into fight or flight mode without me knowing what triggered me. I will literally stand there and say to myself, “What in the world is going on? I don’t understand why I am all of a sudden so scared. What happened? Why am I reacting this way again?”
Three months to the day after my mom died, my body went into fight or flight mode in the middle of the night. I woke up in extreme panic. I thought I was dealing with everything pretty well, but my body wasn’t in agreement with me. I found out that when something traumatic happens, sometimes it takes three months for the body to fully react.
My initial reaction to my body was, “Not again! I don’t like feeling this way. I thought I was doing pretty well and now you are making me feel so scared and vulnerable. I am sick and tired of this! I want to be over this! Why can’t you calm down and cooperate with me?”
Was I compassionate with my body? No. Was I frustrated and condemning? Yes. I wasn’t happy with the way it was responding. I have to go to the Lord and find out what needs to happen. I talked to my counselor. I have to use the techniques I’ve learned like grounding, breathing, praying, exercising, raising my hands in the air while I dance, tears and journaling. God gives us all kinds of ways to help us move through our pain.
Grief isn’t fun. But I am so thankful for what I am learning from it. I am thankful for all the resources God has given me to help me grow and move through my pain. My next post is going to be about the many revelations I’ve learned about myself from my pain. (There have been many “AHA” moments.)
There is purpose in our pain. Our pain teaches us; brings us closer to the One who created us; shows us what needs to be tended to in our lives; gives us compassion for ourselves and also for others. If we allow ourselves to grieve, we can actually find hope in our pain.
Tasha Jun says, “Lament is a womb for hope.” May our pain and grief become a womb for hope in all of us.
Until next time. This is my journey to joy.
journey to joy 