I have always had self-image issues. I’ve battled feeling good about myself my whole life. I would say the verbal abuse I heard as a child had a great impact on me. I would also say, I am this way because my mother also battled feeling good about herself. As a child, I definitely sensed the way she felt about herself.
In my journey to help me understand why I am the way I am, I’ve discovered there is a reoccurring theme. If we want to heal and move forward, we have to go back and look at what happened to us as children. Our answers are there. Of course, there can be traumatic events that happen to us in our lives that can also cause issues within us. So, whatever you struggle with, there is a reason for it.
Let me also say this… You aren’t weird. You aren’t too sensitive. You aren’t too dramatic. You are a mystery. You have a story. You have to be willing to look within, so you can unlock what lies deep within you.
“Children internalize the voices and speech heard from adult care givers. In most cases, these are the thoughts and feelings of the mother or father. But children, also absorb the thoughts and feelings of other family members, friends, teachers, coaches and even the voices and thoughts and feelings of characters in books, in movies, or on television. Children internalize these voices as inner speech, and they are integrated into the children’s own thoughts. Children “try on” these voices in their own speech, both internally and with others.” Crete
Do you see the words internalize and absorb? I love looking up the meaning of words. Internalize— to absorb an idea, belief, or feeling so deeply that is becomes part of your character, your way of thinking, or your hidden emotions. Absorb— to take in or soak up something.
When we were children, our little eyes were watching, our ears were listening, and our brains were sifting through all the information we were receiving. We were absorbing every word and every action we witnessed and internalizing them to form our beliefs, feelings and thinking.
Our internal voices developed from what we saw and heard as children. The voices we heard also became our inner speech and thoughts. YIKES!!!!!! When I learned this, I responded in two ways. “Oh, goodness! This explains so much!!” The next response was, “Oh, crap!!! What did I pass on to my kids???”
The very last thing I wanted to do as a mother was to pass on anything that was negative or hurtful. I am very aware of how my dad’s comments and actions affected me, so I tried the best I could to be positive and not negative. But, I also know my girls absorbed things from me without me saying a word. YIKES AGAIN!!!
You can see how easily a negative belief can be passed on to a child. “When a negative belief comes from someone else and is passed on to a child, it is called a “legacy burden”. I’ve also heard it called a “generational curse”.
Think about it. How often have you said to yourself, “I’m acting just like _______ , or I’m saying the same words or doing the same thing that I swore I would never say or do.” Legacy burdens or generational curses are very real.
We could easily sit here and beat ourselves up for everything we’ve ever thought, said, or done, or we can ask God to bring good from all the mistakes we’ve made or the evil that was done against us or through us. Genesis 50:20
We can also ask Him to break the generational curses in prayer. Colossians 2:14-15; Isaiah 54:17 We can have hope for ourselves and our loved ones because we have a God who wants to heal and help us move forward.
When we were children, we also learned to handle our home lives in ways that worked for us. “As children, we find an “answer” that works to manage these problems and all the complex feelings that come with them. In response to trauma, a part of the self-system takes on a role and adopts a solution that works at the time. The idea here is that we overdevelop some skill or quality and under develop some other skill or quality to survive or cope.” Crete
My overdeveloped skill is scanning a room, reading everyone’s body language, listening to their words, and then adjusting my reaction to fit the atmosphere of the room. Notice I said, “adjusting my behavior and actions”. I’ve been adjusting for so long that I’m not really sure if I am reacting out of who I truly am or out of pleasing everyone else. The observer part inside me saw what I needed to do to feel safe when I was a child and has continued to react the same way my whole life.
Our parts functioned the way they had to when we were children in order to survive. But some can get stuck in their roles. They can hang on to their roles even though we’ve grown up and our lives have changed. “It’s quite possible that one’s current problem in life was once a solution.” Crete
My observer part, that caused me to please and preform, came from a necessity to keep myself safe. I became overdeveloped in “doing”. I also became extremely underdeveloped in the art of communicating to others the way I actually felt. I would rather do anything than confront someone with my true feelings. I’d much rather please and forget the way I feel.
Communication is a huge problem for me. I feel safer when I keep my mouth shut. So, talking about the way I feel with someone is very uncomfortable for me. I can write about my feelings, but talking is much harder!
So, what do we do with the parts within us that seem to be stuck in the past? How do we help them move forward and heal?
We have to go within ourselves, with the help of the Holy Spirit, and identify what parts need help. Most parts have been carrying some sort of burden since childhood. Burdens are the negative beliefs that have kept our parts locked into the roles they’ve developed. They need our love, compassion and safety so they can move forward.
We have to be aware of them, so we can help them develop new belief systems. We have to ask Jesus for help. We have to be completely honest with our thoughts, feelings and emotions as we approach Him for help. There is a good reason why these parts developed and they need divine intervention in order to move forward.
We can’t deny what is going on inside of us. If we do, we prolong the healing process. “Our minds might forget what happened to us, but our bodies don’t forget.” It’s taken me years of going within to identify my parts and bring healing to them. Has it been hard? Yes. Have I been discouraged? Yes. Have I felt like quitting? Yes.
But….. I wouldn’t have the relationship with Christ that I have. I wouldn’t have learned so many wonderful things. I wouldn’t be writing about what I am learning. I wouldn’t be healing and growing the way I am. I wouldn’t be aware of what God is doing within me.
Awareness is more than working with our parts to bring healing and restoration. It’s also about our union with God. Paul calls us to discern and examine ourselves. We are called to recollect, look inside ourselves and see if there are unhealthy, harmful, or sinful behaviors. The path to healing is to restore our parts so we can have harmony with God.
Here’s the tricky part for me, and maybe you can relate to this. I can be filled with so much self-loathing that I’ve actually hated myself. I’ve wanted to die because I think everyone would be better off without me. I’m not writing these words for pity. I’m expressing how some of my parts have felt. They’ve had a very difficult time loving themselves because of the words and actions of others.
My belief system has been based on the actions and words of others instead of what God says about me. I’ve been in a fight to believe what is true because the words I’ve said to myself haven’t always been been kind. We have to overcome what we’ve heard and seen and believe what God says about us is the truth.
Someone once asked me how long my healing was going to take. At the time, I immediately started berating myself because they made me feel like my healing was taking too long.
Since then, I’ve realized there’s no timetable on healing. Healing is different for everyone. What we need to be doing for one another is praying, encouraging, helping, showing kindness and mercy and allowing that person to work through what needs to be worked through. “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1
Yes, there is a reason why we are the way we are. But, there is also a way to heal and move forward from the lies we’ve believed and the way we’ve reacted. Jesus wants healing and restoration for all of us. We need to sit with Him; sift through everything we believe; and ask Him to help us overcome the lies that have become our belief systems, so we can be fully restored.
It’s not easy to face what is going on inside us. I’ve gone through some really dark times, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. All of us are on some type of journey in life. Mine is about seeking God and His will for me. That’s really what our lives are about. Everything we do to heal is worth it! I pray my words will encourage you and help you with your journey.
Until next time. This is my journey to joy and restoration!!
* All of us need to remember….There eyes are watching us; ears are listening to us and brains are sifting through everything we say and do. May God have mercy on us and redeem what we’ve said and done!!! Amen!
journey to joy 