Tag: christianity

When You Lose Your Way

Published on by foolforchrist117Leave a comment

I can’t believe we are already at the end of September. I’ve missed writing, but sometimes I just need to step back…read, journal, pray, listen and learn. It’s been that kind of summer. I knew there was something deep within me that needed to be addressed, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was.

Have you ever had an experience, when you are reading something that stops you dead in your tracks and makes you think, “Oh my goodness. That’s me. I didn’t realize this is the issue I’ve been struggling with, but it explains so much!”  Here are the words I read. 

“I know the way my life has to go, and God’s not getting it right.” Quote by Tim Keller

After I read those words, I immediately burst into tears. I began to question myself. I hated to admit that I felt like God wasn’t getting it right, but those words explained so much to me. I felt the Lord gently say to me, “I am going to reveal to you why you feel this way. There are some issues from your past that I’d like for you to remember, so you can understand why you feel this way. Take hold of my hand and let’s take a walk down memory lane.” 

Since I was a little girl, I knew the way my dad acted and the words that came out of his mouth weren’t right. I knew I had to do something, so I became what I needed to be, and did what I needed to do, in order to survive. I relied on myself because I knew the way my life needed to go.

I developed strategies to make it through each day. For example: I knew to stay away from my dad as much as possible. Don’t talk to dad; talk to mom. Don’t bring up issues at the dinner table. (It was one of the most explosive times of day for him for some reason) Make good grades or else. Go to Mom for money. I had to rely on my strategies because I knew the way my life had to go.

Jesus entered the picture when I was twelve years old. My mom accepted Jesus into her heart the year before. As I watched her develop a relationship with Christ, I decided I wanted a relationship with Him too. I immediately wanted to learn more by reading the Bible, getting  involved in youth group and going to church on a regular basis. I was “doing” everything I could do to help me grow in my relationship with Christ because I knew this was the way my life has to go. 

A few years later, my dad said he wanted to start going to church. Then one Sunday, he stood up and said that he had given his life to Christ. We were so excited because we thought he would change his ways, but that didn’t happen. He was still angry and abusive towards us. He was a great charmer, so he acted one way in public and a completely different way at home. I began to think, “God, something is wrong here. He should be changing and He isn’t. Are you sure He gave His life to You?”

Only the neighbors knew how bad my home life was because they saw him and heard him. No one in my family ever talked about his behavior and that didn’t sit right with me. I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to do something to make him change. Abuse wasn’t a word you heard very often and it certainly wasn’t talked about when I was growing up. I don’t think my mom thought it was right to talk about it. I was a very frustrated young lady because I didn’t think my parents or God or even the church was getting it right. 

One of the biggest problems for me was the fact that I wanted the “fairytale” life. I wanted my dad to be loving and kind. I wanted my family to enjoy being together. I wanted love, acceptance, kindness and goodness to flow. I wanted it so badly that it took over my life. I just had to do what I needed to do to make it happen because that was the way my life needed to go. 

I also needed to feel safe and I was going to do what I needed to do to be safe. Anything that threatened my safety, needed to be dealt with. I would usually go into hyper pleasing and performing mode; drive myself crazy trying to keep everyone else happy; accomplish unrealistic tasks; and do what I had to do to keep the peace at any cost because that was the way I needed my life to go.

Then, came the day that my brother committed suicide. The world, I worked so hard to create, came crashing down. Everything I did to keep myself safe, no longer worked. I lost control over everything. My body started panicking and I fell apart. This wasn’t in my plan of the way my life has to go. “God are you sure you are getting this right?”

Since my brother’s death, my body and my mind have been in a battle over what happened to me and my brother. There’s been a war going on inside me. I’ve been so confused and upset with God over so many issues, but it wasn’t until this summer that my eyes were opened to how much I was still living my life the way I thought it should go.

It makes sense that an abused child would feel this way. We are children with tightly clinched fists. We don’t want to give up what we feel is necessary to help us survive and feel safe. We didn’t experience anyone coming to our rescue, so we hang on to anything that makes our lives go the way we think it needs to go. 

Here’s an example of what hanging on to anything looks like. When you are around childen, you will probably witness them hanging on to a toy, not wanting to share. They almost seem scared to let it go and are determined to keep it. You watch them struggle to let go of that toy because it brings them comfort. They simply don’t understand why they need to give it up.

You try to reason with the child and tell them, “It’s okay to give me the toy. I will take care of it for you.” But, the child is thinking, “Will I really be okay without it? I think I would rather hang on to it for awhile. That toy makes me feel safe, happy and in control.”

I think most of us feel the same way as a the child with the toy.  We want to hang on to our way of doing things because we feel safer. We don’t want to let go because we aren’t sure God will get it right. One of the hardest concepts for me to grasp is the fact that I am okay and will be okay even when my circumstances aren’t going my way. 

While I was mulling over what God was showing me this Summer, I was watching The Chosen. Night after night, I would watch the disciples struggle with who Jesus was. They knew He was the Messiah, but they didn’t understand what that really meant; why He dealt with people the way He did; why He healed some and didn’t others; why He forgave and loved people; why He had to die on the cross. They questioned and debated all the time. They were constantly confused because Jesus didn’t act the way they thought He should. 

An epiphany came to me while I was watching the disciples. I’ve been living most of my life like them. I’ve had my version of how I think God is supposed to act; how He is supposed to respond to me; how He is supposed to answer my prayers; how He is supposed to move in my life. No wonder I’ve been so frustrated and anxious. He hasn’t been operating the way I thought He should. And that, my friends, is a revelation that has helped me understand so much about myself.

I’d like to say this. No matter what you are going through, God is getting it right. We might have our doubts, but He knows what He is doing. He doesn’t make mistakes. He has a plan and a purpose for everything.

While I was writing this post, the Holy Spirit reminded me of three people from the Old Testament. Joseph (the one with the coat of many colors), Job and Esther. You can find the story of Joseph in Genesis 37-50, Job’s story in the book of Job, and Esther’s story in the book of Esther.

I’d like to share some verses from each of their stories that have impacted me. 

Joseph    Genesis 50:20 “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” 

Job    Job 1:21-22 “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised. In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.” 

Esther    Esther 4:14 “For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?”

Joseph was mistreated by his brothers and sold into slavery. Job lost everything. Esther was taken from her home and put into the king’s harem. I am pretty sure what happened to them wasn’t the way they thought their life should go. But, God was with them. He had a plan to bring good from their difficult circumstances and He did. He always does. He got it right!

In light of everything that is going on in our world, God’s words still ring true. Whatever has harmed you, God will use it for good. No matter what we’ve lost, may we still have the ability to praise Him for what He has given us and what He has taken away. (I know. That’s a tough one!) If you are alive right now, you are here, for such a time as this.

When I thought He wasn’t getting it right, He was. When I thought my way was better, it wasn’t. 

Years ago, when God asked me to write about my mental health struggles, I didn’t think He was right. I thought He was crazy. I argued and argued with Him. And then one day, I gave in. I didn’t know what I was doing, but God did. 

This is what I know… The harm that was inflicted on us will be used for good. It’s essential to praise Him in the good and bad times, even if it is really hard. You and I are on this earth for such a time as this. 

My time with Him this summer has given me healing and clarity. Yes, it’s hard to look back sometimes. Yes, it’s  hard to look at yourself and realize what you’ve been doing to survive. But, I wouldn’t trade this time with Him for anything. I would love to encourage you to do the same. Open your heart and mind to God. He will show you the way you should go.   

Let me leave you with this. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

Until next time dear friends. This is my journey to joy.

Fighting To Survive

Published on by foolforchrist1172 Comments

It feels so good to be writing again. Talking about my mental health struggles has definitely not been an easy topic to write or talk about. Would I have volunteered to do this? I think not. But, God called me to do this and has given me a passion to help others. I sincerely pray my story will encourage you and help you with your journey as we walk towards healing.

Like a rollercoaster ride, I’ve had many ups and downs with my mental health. I never know what might trigger me and throw me into a fight or flight response. Sometimes, the trigger can come out of nowhere and that’s exactly what happened to me this past February. Something happened that I wasn’t expecting and definitely wasn’t prepared for. 

Here’s what happened… My dad’s birthday was the beginning of February. My brother innocently sent us a video of an interaction he had with my dad years ago. When I saw my dad’s face and heard his voice, my heart started racing and my body started shaking. Even though my dad died thirteen years ago, my body felt like he was standing right in front of me. 

I was in complete shock that I reacted the way I did. I watched the video again, hoping for a different response, but my reaction was still the same. I simply couldn’t figure out why, after so many years of counseling, reading, studying, praying and soul searching, I was still so shaken by my father. 

I kept telling my body, “He’s gone. He can’t hurt me any more. We are safe now.” I began to ask God, “Why am I reacting the way I am? I don’t understand. I’ve been doing the work to heal for years and I am completely caught off guard by this! What in the world is going on?” 

My body was triggered and couldn’t calm down. I knew my body was reacting to the video, but I couldn’t get the shaking to stop. My fight or flight response completely took over. I was doing everything I knew to help my body calm down, but nothing worked. 

The war that was raging inside me continued for almost three months. I was struggling to sleep. I was barely functioning. I didn’t want to leave my house. I spent many days in the fetal position on the floor of my bedroom rocking back and forth. I daily cried out to God begging Him to take the terror away. I prayed on my knees and sometimes laid prostrate on the floor before my Heavenly Father. I was so scared the trembling inside me would never stop. 

I knew God was with me. I knew He could work a miracle in me. I prayed and prayed He would take it all away, but, that’s not what happened. I couldn’t understand why my body was in a state of panic. I was angry, sad, desperate, and scared because I needed my body to stop doing what it was doing. I couldn’t control what was happening and that was a very scary feeling. I was afraid I was going to completely lose my mind. 

I’ve mentioned many times that I had an abusive childhood. But, to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t just abused as a child. I was abused as a teenager and an adult as well. The last time my dad hurt me physically was in high school, but the verbal and psychological abuse continued until the day he died. I experienced fifty two years of living with some form of abuse. 

I’ve tried to make light of his affect on me. I realize I can’t do that any more. I am learning I have to be honest or I am not going to heal. I’ve learned It doesn’t do any good to fight what is going on inside me. In fact, we make things worse when we do. When my body was reacting to seeing my dad’s face and hearing his voice, I realized, maybe for the first time in my life, how deeply his words and actions nearly destroyed me. Seeing his face and listening to his voice were big indicators that I hadn’t healed yet. I was so discouraged that he still had that affect on me.

God gently reminded me that there are many things inside me that aren’t finished healing. My response was, “But Lord, I want to be done!! I want to be over it!!! I am sick and tired of this!! I just want to be normal. Why can’t I function like everyone else seems to? Why does my body do what it does? Help me! Please take this from me!!!!! I hate feeling the way I do!!!” 

But I also knew, the more I fought what was happening, the longer the healing process was going to take. Our bodies have to do what they need to do in order to heal. So, we sometimes have to feel really bad before we can feel better. I know. It stinks!!!

I am learning a lot about myself. I realize my dad’s abuse made me feel unworthy of love; unworthy of healing; unworthy of praise; unworthy of connection; unworthy of hope and unworthy of being treated as I should be treated and so much more.

For a very long time, I haven’t felt like I deserved to be given good things. I’ve hated myself for many many years because I couldn’t seem to get myself together. I’ve been so desperate to be “normal” that I haven’t been able to accept the journey God has for me. I’ve been fighting Him instead of trusting Him.

“Comfort is never found in answers. Comfort is found in arms.” Voskamp

I love answers. I think most of us do. Even though, I prefer answers, God met me with comfort while I was on my knees and on the floor in the fetal position crying out for help. I knew, the only way I was going to make it, was to hang on to Him for dear life. My survival depended on Him and His comforting arms.

“In the face of pain and betrayal, God agonized. Never doubt God understands where you are, and God knows what it’s like to be you. The vulnerability of this kind of God proves the reliability of this kind of story. Jesus held the cup that holds the story you never wanted; Jesus held the cup that holds the darkness you never wanted to know, the pain you wish you and your people had escaped, the scars that have forever marred your only heart.”  Voskamp

It’s horrible to suffer. Frankly, I prefer not to. But, I am in a relationship with Someone who knows suffering. He knows what it’s like to be me. He knows the pain and the darkness I feel. He knows there are many days I don’t necessarily love my story.

While I was desperately looking for answers, I realized my eyes were fixated more on answers and healing than on Jesus. It was a sobering revelation. Of course we want answers. We want to understand. But sometimes, God looks at us and says, “My comfort is enough right now.” I know, those words are hard to hear when we are desperate for an answer or healing.

“Its the way the human eye turns—we look toward loss, fixated on what we can’t fix. The eyes of the heart are drawn to absences. We look toward loss because our interior health is ultimately a function of how we see loss, process loss, live in spite of loss, live through endless loss. How we view our losses determines how we brave our life.” Voskamp

I’ve known for a long time, that I tried to fix my dad, and a lot of others, by pleasing and performing. My body and my mind have paid a huge price living that way. I’ve lived a life trying to keep everyone happy, so I could feel safe. My safety can’t be dependent on others. I need to believe that God is the only One who will keep me safe. 

God doesn’t want me or you to live for anyone else. He wants us to live for His great good and glory. That needs to be our priority. But, I also know how hard it is to live that way when you’ve been conditioned to protect yourself. 

“Pour out your heart to Jesus with expectation, and fully trust that Jesus will always move, but always in a way profoundly different from the way you expect.” Voskamp

I have to be honest… When I was crying out to God the past three months, I struggled with the way He was moving or not moving in my life. I wanted healing. I wanted it to happen now, so I didn’t have to go through another day of mental and physical anguish. I look back and wonder how I made it through. I know He didn’t move how I expected Him to move, but He gave me the ability to hang in there day after day. (I also had dear friends who were fervently praying for me.)

We are so limited on how to perceive and understand God’s ways. There are many times our minds can’t comprehend what is going on. But… He promises to work things out for good in our lives. He promises to always be with us and never leave us. He promises He has a purpose that is good and perfect for us. I know how hard it is to believe His truth when we are falling apart. But, we have to believe His promises. He’s all I’ve got to get me through life. I must believe His words are true.

If you are struggling, I’m so sorry! I pray this post helps in some way. If you don’t have a counselor, find one. If you don’t have people praying for you, ask them to. I know how hard it is to be vulnerable around others. If you aren’t crying out to God, cry out! If you need to take medication, take it. I’ve struggled taking mine for years. But for now, I have to. 

“And the Word of God does all the real work within you as you obey and trust that though you may not yet see how God is working, the Way is working everything out. Even though you may not yet see what has changed, you can act on Jesus’ Word, trust in Jesus’ Word, lean on Jesus’ Word. The best way to find the way through is to keep walking the way of obedience. This is the pilgrimage of our lives.” Voskamp

When God asked me to write about my struggles years ago, I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going. I can’t believe I am still here, sharing everything I am learning and living out in my life. I questioned God many times the past three months. I doubted His ways and I was definitely more honest than I’ve ever been as I cried out to Him. I said words I never thought I’d say to Him. But I can now see, that everything that happened and the words I spoke, were necessary to get me to where I am today. I am grateful. I am thankful. I still love God and want His will in my life.

In case you are wondering, my body is finally calming down. I am able to function without a lot of anguish and pain most days. I have to give my mental health to Him daily. Do I still want to be healed? Absolutely. Do I want my days to be void of debilitating anxiety? Yes! But, I will walk with God and ask Him to give me the strength I need to make it through another day. I have to live my life fully dependent on Him. 

There are so many Psalms that address our fear, anxiety, depression, anguish, hard times, etc. I recommend finding a few Psalms that speak to you and your situation. Read the verses out loud as a prayer to God because there is so much power in praying God’s word.

Here are a few verses that might be helpful for you.

Proverbs 3: 5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” 

Psalm 62:8 “Trust in Him at all times; you people, pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.”

Psalm 32:8 “I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.”

Psalm 105:4 “Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always.”

Life is definitely a journey filled with many ups and downs. I’ve had to fight my way through many days, months and years. God is bringing me closer to a place where I can trust Him and His ways. Yes, I love answers and understanding, but I want to accept His good and perfect will for me. I want to believe Him when He says He will make my path straight.

I am learning faith is a long obedience in the right direction. I want my direction to be towards Jesus, even if it is filled with a lot of yucky stuff. He is the only One who can bring beauty out of ashes. I can’t imagine living my life without Him by my side.

Until next time dear friends….This is my journey to joy!

When The Snow And Ice Storms Hit

Published on by foolforchrist117Leave a comment

When I wrote my last post about finding a home within, I had no idea the home I was building within myself was about to be threatened. I knew January was going to be a hard month for me because of the loss of my mom a year ago. I was already bracing myself for all the emotions that I knew were going to surface around the day she died. However, I wasn’t prepared for how my body was going to react to a snow and ice storm that hit our little town in Indiana. 

A few weeks ago, a beautiful snow began to fall. Then freezing rain became part of the mixture. Our power rallied to stay on most of the day, but it finally gave out in the evening. We were able to sleep in our house the first night, but quickly realized we wouldn’t be able to stay in our home without heat. The temperature fluctuated between forty to fifty degrees. The next day, we got our generator going to save the food in our refrigerators and run a few space heaters, but it was still too cold to stay in our house. So, we packed up and went to stay somewhere else. The home inside me was beginning to crumble.

An old familiar part of myself was being activated by my circumstances. Sometimes I know why, and other times I don’t what is triggering me. It took several days for me to understand that the trauma of my youth was screaming at me. When this part of myself gets activated, my body goes into fight or flight mode. This part felt powerless, out of control, scared, unsafe, angry, and alone. Even though I was safe, had a place to stay and could sleep in warmth, that part was not reacting in a positive way. 

“You thought you were over these things, beyond being so easily activated. But in an instant, you’re right back there. And like the Israelites- like Adam and Eve before them-you abandon the big beautiful story of goodness, joy, and connection you were made for, returning instead to you old security blankets. It’s into this frazzling and frustrating place that God comes.” Chuck DeGroat

After I read the words I quoted above, I realized that my biggest security blanket passed away a year ago. I didn’t understand how hard my life was going to be without her. She was the biggest security blanket I’ve ever owned. I thought to myself, “What do I do now that she is gone? Who do I turn to? Who is going to comfort me?” Then, I remember… “It’s into this frazzling and frustrating place that God comes.” DeGroat

I’m learning when things happen to us, it’s an invitation to stop and reflect, not push forward. That’s what I needed to do to figure out why my body felt threatened by the snow storm. You might think it’s really silly to be triggered by that. But for some reason, there was an old story inside me that needed to be addressed. 

I understand it isn’t always easy to stop and reflect. In fact, it can be quite painful. DeGroat says, “We must remember what has happened to us because it reconnects us to ourselves, to each other, and to God. And….it’s in the remembering, where we can ask hard questions, identify the lies we believe and name those responsible for the lies. Yikes!!!!!

My mom was never verbally abusive, but my father was. His words made me feel inadequate, incompetent, silly, powerless, unloved, angry, and unsafe. On the other hand, my mom’s words were encouraging and brought truth and life to me. But, whose words did I listen to the most? Whose words did I believe? Whose words had the most impact on me? My dad’s words. He was the one that brought so many lies and problems into my life.

When we remember and name the lie or problem it is called redemptive remembering. There is purpose in this process. We remember to heal, not to point fingers or cast judgment. This process has helped me understand why I think and react the way I do. It helps me feel better about myself because there is an explanation for why my body reacts the way it does. 

Here’s how redemptive remembering works. All you need to do is make a very simple time line of your life. Separate your life into categories: childhood, teenage years, college, twenties, thirties, forties, fifties and present. You don’t have to do decades. You could just say adulthood. This might seem overwhelming at first, but once you get started, it goes rather quickly. 

For example, I wrote down under each category in my timeline, what happened to me to make me feel powerless. During my childhood, I had to tip toe around my dad. Frankly, I tried to stay away from him as much as possible. I watched him yell, scream, hit and threaten all of us and we were powerless to do anything to stop him. Into my teens and adulthood, I was still powerless because I felt like my decisions had to be based on how my dad was going to react to them. I was powerless to run my own life. In my twenties and thirties, I saw my brother begin to fall apart when he developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I felt powerless to help him. I couldn’t even help myself. Then, in my late thirties, my powerlessness ramped up into high gear when my brother committed suicide. In my forties, well lets just say, I fell apart.

As you can see, there were many things in my life that made me feel powerless. Redemptive remembering has helped me pinpoint what makes me feel that way. It’s kind of like a domino affect. Snowstorm—body rattled—part inside that feels powerless—dad made me feel powerless because of his physical and emotional abuse—part needs to remember that dad is gone—he has no power over her—this is an old story—I will listen and tend to this part with the help of the Trinity—seek truth over the lies—body begins to calm down—body will learn a new story—body was made to heal—remember that! 

Our lives can be extremely messy. Yes, it’s painful to remember, but it’s also very enlightening. My brother’s death was the beginning of unlocking everything I’d kept buried within me. It’s taken me many years to be able to find my voice because I believed the lie that I was powerless and couldn’t use my voice. I believed my voice didn’t matter because I couldn’t speak without getting into trouble. I believed that if I told how things really were in my childhood, I would be ridiculed. 

Our stories need to be told so others can be helped. If my brother were here today, I think he would definitely want what happened to us to be used in order to bring support and assistance to others.

So, when the snow and ice storms hit in our lives, it’s a call to listen to our bodies and listen to the kind voice of God. Remember, “It’s into this frustrating and frazzling place that God comes.” His voice might be the only kind voice you’ve ever heard or will hear. Invite Him in to what is going on inside you. Ask Him to help you. Show compassion to your body and your parts when they get triggered. Give redemptive remembering a try. May we take the time to remember what we need to, so we can move forward and heal. 

Until next time my friends. This is my journey to joy. 

*Most of my references are from Chuck DeGroat’s book Healing What’s Within. I highly recommend this book.