I wrote these words before the corona virus hit. I pray my words will help you in your own journey to trust. 

It feels so go to be able to touch my fingers to the keyboard and write. I have really missed it! I have had a tough time figuring out how to balance taking care of my mom and taking care of myself this winter.

When January came, I saw a lot of people talking about having a word for the year. I automatically knew that my word was going to be “trust”. I chose this word because I have been battling the unspoken issue of “distrust” for most of my life. I have known it, but not spoken about it. Saying the words, “I don’t trust you” out loud seemed so very wrong. And, admitting those feelings to God, was excruciating for me. But, I had to be honest in order to move forward and heal.

I wrote in my journal, “I want to trust you Lord. I frankly don’t like the things that happened in my past. I have had a very hard time dealing with the trauma and the abuse. I see the problem of distrust. I need your help to get over it. I want to absolutely trust you with every fiber of my being. There has been a disconnect with you for too many years. I know I have to be honest with my feelings so I can move forward. So, I am asking that 2020 be the year that my distrust fades away forever.”

Since I wrote those words, I have been on my pursuit of trust. I have been journaling a lot and doing a study called “Trustworthy” by Lysa Terkeurst. When I saw that this study was going to be offered online, I knew this was the study for me.

It makes sense that I would have trust issues. What I saw as a child and how I was treated made the distrust form inside me. Living each day unprotected from abuse fueled it inside me. You can’t undo what you see with your eyes.

My eyes have seen so many things that have been hard for me to process. Why did God allow all of this to happen? Lysa states, “I would imagine you’ve also experienced God allowing something that’s hard for you to process. Some place where you trusted God but then His timing, His protection, or His provision didn’t look at all like you thought it would. You know God is trustworthy, but it doesn’t feel like you can personally trust Him with your situation. And that causes a skepticism you don’t want to be there in your relationship with Him.”

After reading those words, I realized that I was not only battling distrust, but also skepticism in my relationship with God. When I prayed, did I really believe God would come through for me? Did I believe I could trust Him with the outcome of those prayers? 

Lysa goes on to say that pursuing answers to why God allows hard things hasn’t given her the peace she wanted. It hasn’t given me that either. I am an inquisitive person. I like to ask a lot of questions. I am that person that will drive you crazy until I get an answer to my question. I love to investigate and figure things out. I watch the “Masked Singer” with a pad of paper and pen in front of me. I write down the clues and then try to figure out who that person is behind the mask. That’s who I am. It can be a blessing but also a curse to be like this. I have been driven to seek and search truth from the Lord, but I also have had a hard time when I can’t understand—when there isn’t an answer.

“We have to fight the urge to expect our version of God’s good timing, God’s good provision, and God’s good protection to match what we script out for our lives. A big part of learning to rely on a trustworthy God is resetting how we define good.” Terkeurst 

Those words resonated with me. I was looking at God from eyes that had been tainted by seeing so many horrible things instead of first looking at who God truly is. God is good. He is reliant. He never changes. He feels. He loves. “His emotions are always in line with His true, sinless character. His character does not shift with His emotions. God always acts in accordance with what is right and is Himself the final standard of what is right.” Terkeurst

I witnessed an earthy father who shifted his character by his emotions. There were so many double standards. What I saw behind closed doors was very different than what was seen by others. That messed with me more than I realized. So. Many. Lies. No wonder I developed trust issues!

I can feel all sorts of emotions and doubts that are valid, but I need to filter them through God’s truth. I have to reset my mind. I have found that God doesn’t want me to discount my emotions. He wants me to give them to Him so He can show me His truth. It doesn’t bother Him that I am struggling with trusting Him. He is right beside me showing me how to deal with my problems.

When I read this statement by Lysa, it made me realize how much I struggle with control over my life. “But sometimes, out of fear or selfish desires, I pursue solutions of my own making more than waiting on God’s way or God’s timing. I don’t want to call it distrust or disobedience, but that’s exactly what it is for me.” Those words resonated with me so much! I have been pursuing my own solutions most of my life because of my distrust with God.

It makes me cry to admit that I have struggled so long trusting such a wonderful heavenly father. This is not easy for me to admit. But, I know that God has called me to share with you what I am going through in order to help someone else out there. I have felt excruciating pain. Hopelessness. Doubt. Anxiety. Distrust. Anger. Hate. Loneliness. You name it, I have felt it. I have lived it. I also know that I wouldn’t be where I am if I didn’t have a relationship with Christ. He is the reason I exist. He is the reason I am writing to you.

If you are struggling with distrust, I encourage you to be honest and talk to God about it. I know from personal experience that you have to bring your problem into the light before He can help you deal with it. He is very patient and kind. He wants to help us more than we can fathom!

I would also encourage you to buy the study “Trustworthy” by Lysa Terkeurst. This study is opening my eyes to so many wonderful truths about God. It is helping me look at my own distrust and shining a light on how to deal with all my feelings.

I am going to leave you with some verses that mean so much to me. Until next time dear friends….

Romans 8:26-28 “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”