I don’t know about you, but every day I am battling my nerves. The news just adds fuel to the fire. I find it hard to trust, so I digress to distrust and anxiety because I am not comfortable with not being in control. The world is going crazy and for good reason, but I don’t want to react that way. I want to trust God and His promises.

I know too well that fear can take over my life, so, I have to fight it from happening. I don’t want fear to captivate my heart because that leads to doubting God. And frankly, at a time like this, I don’t want to doubt Him. He is the only constant thing that all of us have in our lives.

No one speaks to me more than me. I hear the words that are playing in my head that no one else hears. I can say terrible things to myself and no one else knows it. So, I have to fight that by remembering what scripture says about who I am and how I am supposed to live my life.

Psalm 112:7 “He is not afraid of bad news, his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.” That is my goal. I am not where I want to be, but I am plugging along every day. I don’t want to be afraid of bad news. I want to have a heart that is firm and trusts in the Lord and I am determined to get there! 

I decided to look up what determination means. de-ter-mi-na-tion – 1. firmness of purpose; resoluteness. “he advanced with an unflinching determination”  I want to be the person who advances with an unflinching determination in trusting God. I am praying for that!

In the “Trustworthy” study by Lysa Terkeurst, she says, “We can rest assured that just the taking in of God’s word for ourselves will nourish deep places. God created our minds for logical comprehension and spiritual discernment through the power of the Holy Spirit. Our souls were designed by God to receive and be nourished by the truth of God.”

I have to say that God’s word has nourished deep places inside me. But I still have my struggles. If you have read any of my past blog posts, you know that I grew up with a very abusive father. He instilled a horrible fear and lack of trust deep within me. What I saw and the pain I experienced, are still there to some degree. Certain things can trigger me. I might be fine one minute, and then out of nowhere, I hear or see something and my heart starts racing. My counselor told me a long time ago that the body never forgets what it has seen. So, I have to fight back with lots of truth. There have been many times I have been brought to my knees and  I just say, “Jesus” over and over and over again until the fear goes away.

If you come from an abusive home, you know how hard it is to trust. I am going to give you a little bit of insight into my life by sharing a part of my journal with you. My prayer is that God will use this to help someone else out there who struggles like I do. Here goes.

“It’s so hard to be a kid and watch someone you love be mean to you and say hateful things. My eyes see hurt and dysfunction. So much pain. Both parents are living their lives so differently. One is trying to follow the Lord while the other is following his selfish desires. Both are living life at different extremes. I watch a brother who is different. I know something is off with him, but don’t know what to do. Both of us are watching the same things. No stability, only chaos. I find Jesus. He is my way out. But, my eyes still have to see. Two lives are affected and now there are three. We have our home life and then we have our lives outside of it. It’s the outside life that saves me. My friends, my church, Young Life, Bible studies and my relationship with God save me. So many tears. These eyes have witnessed horrible things. The pain is real. I have to be real with my feelings. Being a child of alcoholism, abuse and deviant behavior is hard. It matters what we see. You can’t erase the images. My mind is affected. One of my biggest struggles is getting my mind to absorb truth because it contradicts what I have seen.

Trusting is involved here. God, as a Father, is completely different that what I experienced with my Dad. It’s hard to believe and trust that. When I look and see what God has done and who He is helps me and calms me. I have to take my eyes off the past and look to my future with God. 20 years of journaling, searching and studying God’s word have paid off. I can’t undo what I have seen, but I can choose to focus on God and His truth. I can choose to believe and trust His ways. I picture Jesus smiling at me. He is loving, kind and gentle. He is helping me overcome my feelings and what I have seen. He is the Dad I never had. I am learning to trust God to be there for me. I still struggle, but I am moving forward in faith.”

I don’t know if any of this resonates with you. If you are struggling with what has happened or what is happening in your life, I have to tell you that God’s word is the best thing you can turn to. I also recommend a very good counselor; someone who points you to the truth in God’s word.

Listen, I want you to know that I am preaching to myself as I write to you. Having unwavering trust is very hard. I pause when I read a verse like this, “But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3 I pause because I wasn’t protected. But, recently I realized that I have been protected from so many other things. The day I said “Yes” to following Christ, I became His child. I will live my forever with Him. He has protected me from going to hell. He has given me strength when I have needed it. I have survived mental illness because of HIm. He gives me purpose. He has protected me from accidents and health issues. I am still here and that in itself is a miracle.

I know our lives are very uncertain right now. Many of us have more time on our hands than usual. I would like to encourage you to read your Bible. Turn the news off and focus on Him. He is in control; not this virus. It’s so easy to hit the panic button. I know how to hit that button better than anyone. But, I am trying to turn to Him instead. I am going to leave you with some verses that I carry with me. I would like to encourage you to write them down and carry them with you when you start to fear. I love you dear friends. We are going to be stronger than we were before because of Him! Until next time…..

Psalm 34:4 “I sought the Lord and He delivered me; He delivered me from my fears.”

Psalm 130:5 “With all my heart I am waiting, Lord, for you! I trust your promises!”

Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”