I have been going through a season in my life lately that has been extremely difficult. When I started writing this blog I was under the assumption that I would just be sharing my past with you. I read over my journals and started sharing what I felt like God wanted me to share. Then as time went on, I stopped picking up the journals and I started sharing the present with you. To be honest, talking about abuse and all the trauma that comes with it isn’t fun. I would have conversations with God (mainly me talking) over not wanting to talk about it anymore. But He would gently tell me that He wanted to use every part of my life. He wanted to use my struggles, my fears, my worries, my heart and my giants with you. So, that is what I am going to do.
Since I was a little girl, I have had many giants in my life. I am talking about the kind of giants like Goliath in the Bible that David fought. I have tried to be as transparent with you as I possibly can, but God is asking me to step it up a level. Frankly, that scares the crap out of me! He wants that raw honesty that I have been running from most of my life. That pleasing side of me is screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” But, God is gently saying, “You need to do this.” So, I am not sure exactly what that means, but I am typing and letting Him tell me what to say.
The main goal of my blog has been to help people and bring them closer to Jesus. I hope I have been able to do that. It is hard to share intimate details with people you don’t even know, but that is what the Lord called me to do. Now, I am going to be focusing more on the present and what struggles I am facing and the things God is teaching me. God always puts studies, books and scripture in my life to help me get through each issue I am facing. To be perfectly honest, pain is an issue that I don’t like at all. It scares me. It can be physical or emotional pain; I don’t like it. I don’t want it. I want it to stay away from me. But, we live in a world where there is a lot of pain. God is showing me how to deal with it whether I like it or not. He is showing me that He will give me what I need to face whatever the situation is.
Of course, my past has a lot to do with the way I feel. I feel like I am an odd duck. My upbringing was not very normal and it has caused the instability in my life. It has caused me to fear, be anxious, be depressed, run and hide, put on a mask and please and perform. But, it has made me into who I am. I wish I was this perfect woman of God, but I am not. But, I will tell you that my problems have driven me closer to God. So, my adversity is having the right kind of affect on me.
I am reading a book right now about giants by Louie Giglio. It is called Goliath Must Fall. It is about the story of David and Goliath. Louie’s viewpoint is helping me learn something new about this treasured story in the Bible. The back story about David is the fact that he knew who God was. I learned from Louie that David had been in training before he ever went up against Goliath. His training was physical and spiritual. He had been writing songs about God and learning the history of his people before he met Goliath. And, as a shepherd, he was learning how to protect his sheep. He had to protect them from bears and lions and other vicious animals. He learned how to handle himself in those situations and gave God the glory. He knew that God was with him and he knew that God gave him the power to defeat his enemies.
David spoke with confidence when he said, “Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God. The Lord who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine.” 1 Samuel 17:36-37 David had complete confidence in the Lord and I want that too. I desire to have the same confidence in God that he did. I want to have no fear when I face my giants and speak against them.
I started my life as a child who was paralyzed with fear. I was traumatized and terrified by my father. I want to share a sentence with you from Louie’s book that sums up who my father was. “One loud, uncouth man was paralyzing the entire army of God.” Louie was speaking about Goliath, but that is who my father was to me. The mask is off and I am stating that is how I felt as a little girl. I have been paralyzed in my thinking, my emotions and my actions. My Dad was a predator. I was raised by a predator. This is the first time I have ever said that. This is also the first time I have really absorbed that fact. My feelings didn’t matter. My opinions didn’t matter. He did not care. I know some of you are thinking that I shouldn’t say that or think that or that just can’t be true. But, I am being honest and I am telling you that it is true. God wants me to be honest so I am saying it. You need to know the truth. This isn’t easy for me to say and the tears are flowing. But, at the same time this truth brings me peace.
Louie states, “Jesus wants to assure us that he is completely and totally able to take down the giants in our lives. It may look as though the six-fingered, six-toed, furious foaming fearless thing coming at us can’t be beaten. But through the power of Jesus, whatever needs to be overcome can—and will—come down.”
One of my biggest problems has always been trying to attempt to fight my battles on my own. I haven’t drawn upon the power of God because I didn’t have the right kind of confidence in Him. Because I was raised by a predator, I have struggled immensely to have trust and confidence in God. I think that is why I have been drawn to study the Old Testament for the last seventeen years of my life. I needed to see who God is. I needed to find scripture to describe Him to me. David knows how to describe God. If you want to see who God is, just sit down and read the Psalms.
I realize that my story is a bit extreme, but I hope that the Lord can use it in your life. I am just beginning to fight my Goliaths and I can’t wait to see what happens. I know the Lord wants freedom for me and for you. I am going to leave you with some words from Louie Giglio. “We are not David. You are not David. I am not David. Jesus is David! Jesus fights the battles for us. Jesus stared down the face of impossible odds. Jesus takes up his sling. Jesus selects five smooth stones. Jesus takes aim at the giant. The giant falls because of the work of Jesus.”
I love picturing Him doing that for me. I need someone to fight my battles. How about you? Until next time…