I don’t usually like to reflect on things. I like to look forward and move ahead. But, I need to take the time to look back and see what I have learned and then keep moving ahead with those principles. The one thing that stands out to me the most in this past year is that God is with me. He has been with me through all the emotions of this past year and will continue to be with me in the future. He doesn’t leave my side. He is for me and not against me. He is the constant help that I need every single day.
My problem is that I tend to look at the bad things that happened this past year and not the good things. I struggle with seeing the positive. It’s that stinkin’ thinkin’ that has plagued me most of my life. So, that is one thing that I would like to change about myself with a lot of help from the Holy Spirit. The thing that helps me the most is keeping my mind focused on God and writing things down that He has done for me throughout the day. I struggle to keep up with it, but when I do, my outlook on life is so much better. When I look for Him and what He is doing, it makes me smile inside and it makes me feel loved.
I guess you could say that I kind of fell apart this past Fall. My medication wasn’t working as well anymore for my PTSD and my panic attacks came back full force. I have prayed for healing for so many years and I was so desperate to have it, but the Lord had a different plan for me. My doctor told me of a different therapy that he wanted me to try. It is called EMDR which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy. This type of therapy is used with people who suffer from PTSD. I am currently in this therapy and will continue until I am told to stop. The reason why I share this with you is that I finally have come to the realization that healing can come in different forms. I always thought God would heal me and I would completely be free of my issue. But, He has shown me that my healing is a process and not a quick fix.
My healing has been a process of different things. The first thing was medication to get my body under control. Then, it was counseling for many years. As I processed through my childhood and let the Lord lead me and show me His love, I began to heal in my mind and in my faith. I began to see the Lord as someone who was for me and not against me. He became the Father that I desperately needed. And now He is using EMDR therapy.
I have to say that I have cried out to the Lord so many times to heal me from this, but He has chosen a different path for me. I have struggled with Him and asked “Why?” so many times but now I can look back and see that this is the way He chose for me. His type of healing has been different than what I wanted. I wanted an instant fix and He wanted me to go through the growth and the learning that I would have missed out on with the instant fix. I now see that! I don’t know why it has taken me so long to see this, but it has.
I think it is because I don’t like pain. My life has been very painful. I run in the other direction when I think I might have to go through anything painful. I put off surgeries, going to the dentist, or going to the doctor if I think that pain will be involved. I just don’t like people messing with me!!!!! This is a huge problem of mine. But, I am learning that the Lord is over me and I need to trust Him through my painful situations. I have to trust Him to work in my pain. He wants me to trust Him and see that He is there for me.
I think the hardest thing is overcoming things that have been ingrained in me since birth. I am still at 57 trying to overcome fear, trust, pain, abandonment and loneliness. God knows these things about me so He has put books, people, scripture, bible studies, counseling and church in my path to help me overcome these issues and be set free. I believe that some day I will be able to move past all of this. It has just been more of a process for me. I have to remember that it took me all those years to develop wrong thinking and bad habits, so it is going to take some time to change them. I already have made a lot of progress, but still have a ways to go. I am extremely hard on myself and the Lord keeps telling me I need to show myself grace. He shows it to me, but I struggle with accepting it. I want to fix myself now and I get so impatient with the process.
I want to share these verses with you. Proverbs 4:20-22 “My child, pay attention to what I say. Listen carefully to my words. Don’t lose sight of them. Let them penetrate deep into your heart, for they bring life to those who find them, and healing to their whole body.” I just found this wonderful piece of scripture and it pretty much sums up what God has been telling me through my journey of healing. He has been whispering in my ear that His words, His love, His grace and His spirit will heal this war-torn body. Oh how I love Him even more for showing me these words of encouragement.
So, dear friends, I want 2017 to be a year of revelations. I want the Lord to show me more of Him. I want to follow Him even more than I do now. I want Him to whisper in my ear and encourage me with His words. I want to tell myself to “shut-up” and listen to what God has to say on the matter instead of listening to myself. I want to trust Him and His timing because His ways are far better than mine. And this is my hope for you too! I pray that 2017 will be a year of revelations for you. I pray you will dig into His word and find Him and draw closer to Him every single day. And I pray that His words will bring healing to you! Until next time….