It feels so good to be writing again. Talking about my mental health struggles has definitely not been an easy topic to write or talk about. Would I have volunteered to do this? I think not. But, God called me to do this and has given me a passion to help others. I sincerely pray my story will encourage you and help you with your journey as we walk towards healing.

Like a rollercoaster ride, I’ve had many ups and downs with my mental health. I never know what might trigger me and throw me into a fight or flight response. Sometimes, the trigger can come out of nowhere and that’s exactly what happened to me this past February. Something happened that I wasn’t expecting and definitely wasn’t prepared for. 

Here’s what happened… My dad’s birthday was the beginning of February. My brother innocently sent us a video of an interaction he had with my dad years ago. When I saw my dad’s face and heard his voice, my heart started racing and my body started shaking. Even though my dad died thirteen years ago, my body felt like he was standing right in front of me. 

I was in complete shock that I reacted the way I did. I watched the video again, hoping for a different response, but my reaction was still the same. I simply couldn’t figure out why, after so many years of counseling, reading, studying, praying and soul searching, I was still so shaken by my father. 

I kept telling my body, “He’s gone. He can’t hurt me any more. We are safe now.” I began to ask God, “Why am I reacting the way I am? I don’t understand. I’ve been doing the work to heal for years and I am completely caught off guard by this! What in the world is going on?” 

My body was triggered and couldn’t calm down. I knew my body was reacting to the video, but I couldn’t get the shaking to stop. My fight or flight response completely took over. I was doing everything I knew to help my body calm down, but nothing worked. 

The war that was raging inside me continued for almost three months. I was struggling to sleep. I was barely functioning. I didn’t want to leave my house. I spent many days in the fetal position on the floor of my bedroom rocking back and forth. I daily cried out to God begging Him to take the terror away. I prayed on my knees and sometimes laid prostrate on the floor before my Heavenly Father. I was so scared the trembling inside me would never stop. 

I knew God was with me. I knew He could work a miracle in me. I prayed and prayed He would take it all away, but, that’s not what happened. I couldn’t understand why my body was in a state of panic. I was angry, sad, desperate, and scared because I needed my body to stop doing what it was doing. I couldn’t control what was happening and that was a very scary feeling. I was afraid I was going to completely lose my mind. 

I’ve mentioned many times that I had an abusive childhood. But, to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t just abused as a child. I was abused as a teenager and an adult as well. The last time my dad hurt me physically was in high school, but the verbal and psychological abuse continued until the day he died. I experienced fifty two years of living with some form of abuse. 

I’ve tried to make light of his affect on me. I realize I can’t do that any more. I am learning I have to be honest or I am not going to heal. I’ve learned It doesn’t do any good to fight what is going on inside me. In fact, we make things worse when we do. When my body was reacting to seeing my dad’s face and hearing his voice, I realized, maybe for the first time in my life, how deeply his words and actions nearly destroyed me. Seeing his face and listening to his voice were big indicators that I hadn’t healed yet. I was so discouraged that he still had that affect on me.

God gently reminded me that there are many things inside me that aren’t finished healing. My response was, “But Lord, I want to be done!! I want to be over it!!! I am sick and tired of this!! I just want to be normal. Why can’t I function like everyone else seems to? Why does my body do what it does? Help me! Please take this from me!!!!! I hate feeling the way I do!!!” 

But I also knew, the more I fought what was happening, the longer the healing process was going to take. Our bodies have to do what they need to do in order to heal. So, we sometimes have to feel really bad before we can feel better. I know. It stinks!!!

I am learning a lot about myself. I realize my dad’s abuse made me feel unworthy of love; unworthy of healing; unworthy of praise; unworthy of connection; unworthy of hope and unworthy of being treated as I should be treated and so much more.

For a very long time, I haven’t felt like I deserved to be given good things. I’ve hated myself for many many years because I couldn’t seem to get myself together. I’ve been so desperate to be “normal” that I haven’t been able to accept the journey God has for me. I’ve been fighting Him instead of trusting Him.

“Comfort is never found in answers. Comfort is found in arms.” Voskamp

I love answers. I think most of us do. Even though, I prefer answers, God met me with comfort while I was on my knees and on the floor in the fetal position crying out for help. I knew, the only way I was going to make it, was to hang on to Him for dear life. My survival depended on Him and His comforting arms.

“In the face of pain and betrayal, God agonized. Never doubt God understands where you are, and God knows what it’s like to be you. The vulnerability of this kind of God proves the reliability of this kind of story. Jesus held the cup that holds the story you never wanted; Jesus held the cup that holds the darkness you never wanted to know, the pain you wish you and your people had escaped, the scars that have forever marred your only heart.”  Voskamp

It’s horrible to suffer. Frankly, I prefer not to. But, I am in a relationship with Someone who knows suffering. He knows what it’s like to be me. He knows the pain and the darkness I feel. He knows there are many days I don’t necessarily love my story.

While I was desperately looking for answers, I realized my eyes were fixated more on answers and healing than on Jesus. It was a sobering revelation. Of course we want answers. We want to understand. But sometimes, God looks at us and says, “My comfort is enough right now.” I know, those words are hard to hear when we are desperate for an answer or healing.

“Its the way the human eye turns—we look toward loss, fixated on what we can’t fix. The eyes of the heart are drawn to absences. We look toward loss because our interior health is ultimately a function of how we see loss, process loss, live in spite of loss, live through endless loss. How we view our losses determines how we brave our life.” Voskamp

I’ve known for a long time, that I tried to fix my dad, and a lot of others, by pleasing and performing. My body and my mind have paid a huge price living that way. I’ve lived a life trying to keep everyone happy, so I could feel safe. My safety can’t be dependent on others. I need to believe that God is the only One who will keep me safe. 

God doesn’t want me or you to live for anyone else. He wants us to live for His great good and glory. That needs to be our priority. But, I also know how hard it is to live that way when you’ve been conditioned to protect yourself. 

“Pour out your heart to Jesus with expectation, and fully trust that Jesus will always move, but always in a way profoundly different from the way you expect.” Voskamp

I have to be honest… When I was crying out to God the past three months, I struggled with the way He was moving or not moving in my life. I wanted healing. I wanted it to happen now, so I didn’t have to go through another day of mental and physical anguish. I look back and wonder how I made it through. I know He didn’t move how I expected Him to move, but He gave me the ability to hang in there day after day. (I also had dear friends who were fervently praying for me.)

We are so limited on how to perceive and understand God’s ways. There are many times our minds can’t comprehend what is going on. But… He promises to work things out for good in our lives. He promises to always be with us and never leave us. He promises He has a purpose that is good and perfect for us. I know how hard it is to believe His truth when we are falling apart. But, we have to believe His promises. He’s all I’ve got to get me through life. I must believe His words are true.

If you are struggling, I’m so sorry! I pray this post helps in some way. If you don’t have a counselor, find one. If you don’t have people praying for you, ask them to. I know how hard it is to be vulnerable around others. If you aren’t crying out to God, cry out! If you need to take medication, take it. I’ve struggled taking mine for years. But for now, I have to. 

“And the Word of God does all the real work within you as you obey and trust that though you may not yet see how God is working, the Way is working everything out. Even though you may not yet see what has changed, you can act on Jesus’ Word, trust in Jesus’ Word, lean on Jesus’ Word. The best way to find the way through is to keep walking the way of obedience. This is the pilgrimage of our lives.” Voskamp

When God asked me to write about my struggles years ago, I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going. I can’t believe I am still here, sharing everything I am learning and living out in my life. I questioned God many times the past three months. I doubted His ways and I was definitely more honest than I’ve ever been as I cried out to Him. I said words I never thought I’d say to Him. But I can now see, that everything that happened and the words I spoke, were necessary to get me to where I am today. I am grateful. I am thankful. I still love God and want His will in my life.

In case you are wondering, my body is finally calming down. I am able to function without a lot of anguish and pain most days. I have to give my mental health to Him daily. Do I still want to be healed? Absolutely. Do I want my days to be void of debilitating anxiety? Yes! But, I will walk with God and ask Him to give me the strength I need to make it through another day. I have to live my life fully dependent on Him. 

There are so many Psalms that address our fear, anxiety, depression, anguish, hard times, etc. I recommend finding a few Psalms that speak to you and your situation. Read the verses out loud as a prayer to God because there is so much power in praying God’s word.

Here are a few verses that might be helpful for you.

Proverbs 3: 5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” 

Psalm 62:8 “Trust in Him at all times; you people, pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.”

Psalm 32:8 “I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.”

Psalm 105:4 “Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always.”

Life is definitely a journey filled with many ups and downs. I’ve had to fight my way through many days, months and years. God is bringing me closer to a place where I can trust Him and His ways. Yes, I love answers and understanding, but I want to accept His good and perfect will for me. I want to believe Him when He says He will make my path straight.

I am learning faith is a long obedience in the right direction. I want my direction to be towards Jesus, even if it is filled with a lot of yucky stuff. He is the only One who can bring beauty out of ashes. I can’t imagine living my life without Him by my side.

Until next time dear friends….This is my journey to joy!