I saved one book from my adolescent years. It was a Nancy Drew book called, “The Moonstone Castle Mystery.” I have always had a fascination for mysteries. When I got a Nancy Drew book in my hands, I couldn’t put it down. I loved following the clues and the twists and turns that Nancy went through to solve the crime. I have always been drawn to those types of books, movies and television shows. I love trying to figure out who committed the crime. Most of the criminals in these books are trying to keep people from finding out their secrets and most of them commit murder to keep their secrets buried.
During my counseling I learned that secrets have power. I was a pro at secret keeping. I learned from Marcia that the only way to release the power my secrets had over me was to bring them into the light. I had many secrets, but the one I was absolutely petrified of bringing up and talking about was the fact that I had been abused. It took me a year to get the courage to bring it up. When I finally mentioned it, I could tell by the look on her face that she knew I had been abused. She was patiently waiting for me to acknowledge the abuse. She knew I had to be ready to talk about it.
When I finally opened up to her, it felt right. I knew she was a safe person I could talk to. I knew talking about it was the key to unlock the door to my freedom. I was scared to death to remember or feel anything. It finally made sense to me why I was having panic attacks. She told me that my mind had forgotten what happened in order to cope, but my body hadn’t forgotten. My body was shaking as if an earthquake was happening in my soul. My body needed my mind to remember so I could talk about it and calm down and healing could begin. I needed to start processing all that had happened to me.
I know God put my counselor, Beth Moore, authors, and other bible study teachers into my life to help me deal with the subject of abuse. I wouldn’t be where I am without every single one of them. I also had friends praying for me and I was on my knees praying every step of the way. I have cried, screamed, questioned and wrestled with God over many issues. At times, I honestly wasn’t sure if I was going to make it. I wanted to give up more than I like to admit. But, I wanted to be free and I was going to do anything I needed to do to accomplish my goal. I was like Nancy Drew on a mission to solve the crime.
I am going to be sharing a lot of what I journaled with God. Exposing myself to you scares me to death, but if I can help one person deal with abuse by sharing my story, then it will be worth it. I want God to use me more than anything else in my life. There is a verse in Psalms that I would like to share. Ps. 138:7 says, “Lord, even when I have trouble all around me, You will keep me alive. When my enemies are angry, You will reach down and save me by your power.” After I read that verse, I said in my journal, “Lord, I love picturing you reaching down to save me. I know you are allowing me to remember events in my life that will help me heal and find freedom. Your hand is with me. Help me through this wilderness and help me reach the promised land!”
God helped me through the wilderness and He will help you too. He is reaching down to save you. Grab hold of His powerful hand and hang on tight. He will save you with his power. He reached down and saved me! He is more than able to handle all your questions and doubts.
I am going to leave you with some more verses from Psalms that are extremely helpful. Until next time fellow sojourners!
Ps. 34:7 “The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.”
Ps. 34:4 “I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.”
Ps. 35:17-18 “The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”