One thing is for sure, I watched lots of tv shows in my childhood. It was an escape for me. One of my favorites was Father Knows Best. The Anderson family represented what I wanted in a family. I was specifically drawn to the father in this show. He was kind, caring and always there for his family. I wanted Jim Anderson to be my Dad because he helped his family solve their problems. My Dad seemed to create the problems in our family.
I told you earlier that I loved my father but he wasn’t an easy man to live with. He was very driven. He wanted to achieve and succeed in life. He focused on those things instead of family. He usually came home in a bad mood and that made us want to avoid him. He wasn’t the father that was portrayed in Father Knows Best. I wanted that Dad instead. I was a little girl yearning for a kind and loving father. Someone who was interested in me and wanted to help me. Someone who had the time to listen and teach me and not yell at me. Unfortunately my Dad wasn’t like him. He would yell instead of talk. I got to the point that I didn’t want to engage in conversation with him.
My issues with my Dad really affected the way I viewed God. I struggled so much looking at God as a loving father. One day when I was reading my Bible I came across Psalm 23. I wrote down these thoughts, “Because you are my shepherd, I shall not want. You know the quiet waters and green pastures that will restore me. You restore my soul. You guide me in the path of righteousness. Even though I struggle with fear, sorrow, and stress; You are right there with me helping me get through it and on to the other side. You are coaxing me on.”
I began to picture Him telling me, “You can do it little one. I will not leave you. I am the good shepherd. I care about my sheep. Everything you go through will make you stronger and closer to me. I am holding you in my hand and I will not let go. I will not harm you. I am here to help you. I am the father you need. Please speak to me and tell me how you feel. I will listen and not condemn you. You can trust me. I love you very much!”
In order to move forward, I had to look at God as my father. After I heard him speak to me, I felt so loved and comforted by His words. He was giving me permission to tell Him how I felt. God knew I needed to view Him differently. I needed his help to get over my warped view of Him. My heart wanted to trust Him, but my mind was afraid.
My mind and my heart were at war. I was scared that God was going to try to control me instead of set me free. And so far, the person who had the most control over me in my childhood had abused his power. He caused so much trauma and anxiety in me. I knew God wanted me to allow Him to heal my heart but I was so scared to let Him.
I had to come to terms within myself that God was not at all like my earthly father. I had a battle going on inside of my mind. I kept trying to base my view of God on my experiences as a child instead of focusing on the truth of the nature of God. I learned from Beth Moore that a child that has been abused struggles with anyone in authority over them. I was struggling with God having authority over me.
I had to fight through what I was thinking about God and find out the truth about God. I was on a mission to see God as a father, not a controller. So if anyone out there has struggled with God as a loving father, I know what that feels like. I don’t know who said this, but I wrote it down in my journal. “God desires to hear my petitions, but His greatest joy is to hear them flow from a mouth that wants Him more than anything He could give.”
I am going to leave you with that thought. I hope I can help you find God as your father. He is even more wonderful than Mr. Anderson!
Until next time fellow sojourners!