When I wrote my last post about finding a home within, I had no idea the home I was building within myself was about to be threatened. I knew January was going to be a hard month for me because of the loss of my mom a year ago. I was already bracing myself for all the emotions that I knew were going to surface around the day she died. However, I wasn’t prepared for how my body was going to react to a snow and ice storm that hit our little town in Indiana.
A few weeks ago, a beautiful snow began to fall. Then freezing rain became part of the mixture. Our power rallied to stay on most of the day, but it finally gave out in the evening. We were able to sleep in our house the first night, but quickly realized we wouldn’t be able to stay in our home without heat. The temperature fluctuated between forty to fifty degrees. The next day, we got our generator going to save the food in our refrigerators and run a few space heaters, but it was still too cold to stay in our house. So, we packed up and went to stay somewhere else. The home inside me was beginning to crumble.
An old familiar part of myself was being activated by my circumstances. Sometimes I know why, and other times I don’t what is triggering me. It took several days for me to understand that the trauma of my youth was screaming at me. When this part of myself gets activated, my body goes into fight or flight mode. This part felt powerless, out of control, scared, unsafe, angry, and alone. Even though I was safe, had a place to stay and could sleep in warmth, that part was not reacting in a positive way.
“You thought you were over these things, beyond being so easily activated. But in an instant, you’re right back there. And like the Israelites- like Adam and Eve before them-you abandon the big beautiful story of goodness, joy, and connection you were made for, returning instead to you old security blankets. It’s into this frazzling and frustrating place that God comes.” Chuck DeGroat
After I read the words I quoted above, I realized that my biggest security blanket passed away a year ago. I didn’t understand how hard my life was going to be without her. She was the biggest security blanket I’ve ever owned. I thought to myself, “What do I do now that she is gone? Who do I turn to? Who is going to comfort me?” Then, I remember… “It’s into this frazzling and frustrating place that God comes.” DeGroat
I’m learning when things happen to us, it’s an invitation to stop and reflect, not push forward. That’s what I needed to do to figure out why my body felt threatened by the snow storm. You might think it’s really silly to be triggered by that. But for some reason, there was an old story inside me that needed to be addressed.
I understand it isn’t always easy to stop and reflect. In fact, it can be quite painful. DeGroat says, “We must remember what has happened to us because it reconnects us to ourselves, to each other, and to God. And….it’s in the remembering, where we can ask hard questions, identify the lies we believe and name those responsible for the lies. Yikes!!!!!
My mom was never verbally abusive, but my father was. His words made me feel inadequate, incompetent, silly, powerless, unloved, angry, and unsafe. On the other hand, my mom’s words were encouraging and brought truth and life to me. But, whose words did I listen to the most? Whose words did I believe? Whose words had the most impact on me? My dad’s words. He was the one that brought so many lies and problems into my life.
When we remember and name the lie or problem it is called redemptive remembering. There is purpose in this process. We remember to heal, not to point fingers or cast judgment. This process has helped me understand why I think and react the way I do. It helps me feel better about myself because there is an explanation for why my body reacts the way it does.
Here’s how redemptive remembering works. All you need to do is make a very simple time line of your life. Separate your life into categories: childhood, teenage years, college, twenties, thirties, forties, fifties and present. You don’t have to do decades. You could just say adulthood. This might seem overwhelming at first, but once you get started, it goes rather quickly.
For example, I wrote down under each category in my timeline, what happened to me to make me feel powerless. During my childhood, I had to tip toe around my dad. Frankly, I tried to stay away from him as much as possible. I watched him yell, scream, hit and threaten all of us and we were powerless to do anything to stop him. Into my teens and adulthood, I was still powerless because I felt like my decisions had to be based on how my dad was going to react to them. I was powerless to run my own life. In my twenties and thirties, I saw my brother begin to fall apart when he developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I felt powerless to help him. I couldn’t even help myself. Then, in my late thirties, my powerlessness ramped up into high gear when my brother committed suicide. In my forties, well lets just say, I fell apart.
As you can see, there were many things in my life that made me feel powerless. Redemptive remembering has helped me pinpoint what makes me feel that way. It’s kind of like a domino affect. Snowstorm—body rattled—part inside that feels powerless—dad made me feel powerless because of his physical and emotional abuse—part needs to remember that dad is gone—he has no power over her—this is an old story—I will listen and tend to this part with the help of the Trinity—seek truth over the lies—body begins to calm down—body will learn a new story—body was made to heal—remember that!
Our lives can be extremely messy. Yes, it’s painful to remember, but it’s also very enlightening. My brother’s death was the beginning of unlocking everything I’d kept buried within me. It’s taken me many years to be able to find my voice because I believed the lie that I was powerless and couldn’t use my voice. I believed my voice didn’t matter because I couldn’t speak without getting into trouble. I believed that if I told how things really were in my childhood, I would be ridiculed.
Our stories need to be told so others can be helped. If my brother were here today, I think he would definitely want what happened to us to be used in order to bring support and assistance to others.
So, when the snow and ice storms hit in our lives, it’s a call to listen to our bodies and listen to the kind voice of God. Remember, “It’s into this frustrating and frazzling place that God comes.” His voice might be the only kind voice you’ve ever heard or will hear. Invite Him in to what is going on inside you. Ask Him to help you. Show compassion to your body and your parts when they get triggered. Give redemptive remembering a try. May we take the time to remember what we need to, so we can move forward and heal.
Until next time my friends. This is my journey to joy.
*Most of my references are from Chuck DeGroat’s book Healing What’s Within. I highly recommend this book.
journey to joy 