Tag: prayer

Fighting To Survive

Published on by foolforchrist1172 Comments

It feels so good to be writing again. Talking about my mental health struggles has definitely not been an easy topic to write or talk about. Would I have volunteered to do this? I think not. But, God called me to do this and has given me a passion to help others. I sincerely pray my story will encourage you and help you with your journey as we walk towards healing.

Like a rollercoaster ride, I’ve had many ups and downs with my mental health. I never know what might trigger me and throw me into a fight or flight response. Sometimes, the trigger can come out of nowhere and that’s exactly what happened to me this past February. Something happened that I wasn’t expecting and definitely wasn’t prepared for. 

Here’s what happened… My dad’s birthday was the beginning of February. My brother innocently sent us a video of an interaction he had with my dad years ago. When I saw my dad’s face and heard his voice, my heart started racing and my body started shaking. Even though my dad died thirteen years ago, my body felt like he was standing right in front of me. 

I was in complete shock that I reacted the way I did. I watched the video again, hoping for a different response, but my reaction was still the same. I simply couldn’t figure out why, after so many years of counseling, reading, studying, praying and soul searching, I was still so shaken by my father. 

I kept telling my body, “He’s gone. He can’t hurt me any more. We are safe now.” I began to ask God, “Why am I reacting the way I am? I don’t understand. I’ve been doing the work to heal for years and I am completely caught off guard by this! What in the world is going on?” 

My body was triggered and couldn’t calm down. I knew my body was reacting to the video, but I couldn’t get the shaking to stop. My fight or flight response completely took over. I was doing everything I knew to help my body calm down, but nothing worked. 

The war that was raging inside me continued for almost three months. I was struggling to sleep. I was barely functioning. I didn’t want to leave my house. I spent many days in the fetal position on the floor of my bedroom rocking back and forth. I daily cried out to God begging Him to take the terror away. I prayed on my knees and sometimes laid prostrate on the floor before my Heavenly Father. I was so scared the trembling inside me would never stop. 

I knew God was with me. I knew He could work a miracle in me. I prayed and prayed He would take it all away, but, that’s not what happened. I couldn’t understand why my body was in a state of panic. I was angry, sad, desperate, and scared because I needed my body to stop doing what it was doing. I couldn’t control what was happening and that was a very scary feeling. I was afraid I was going to completely lose my mind. 

I’ve mentioned many times that I had an abusive childhood. But, to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t just abused as a child. I was abused as a teenager and an adult as well. The last time my dad hurt me physically was in high school, but the verbal and psychological abuse continued until the day he died. I experienced fifty two years of living with some form of abuse. 

I’ve tried to make light of his affect on me. I realize I can’t do that any more. I am learning I have to be honest or I am not going to heal. I’ve learned It doesn’t do any good to fight what is going on inside me. In fact, we make things worse when we do. When my body was reacting to seeing my dad’s face and hearing his voice, I realized, maybe for the first time in my life, how deeply his words and actions nearly destroyed me. Seeing his face and listening to his voice were big indicators that I hadn’t healed yet. I was so discouraged that he still had that affect on me.

God gently reminded me that there are many things inside me that aren’t finished healing. My response was, “But Lord, I want to be done!! I want to be over it!!! I am sick and tired of this!! I just want to be normal. Why can’t I function like everyone else seems to? Why does my body do what it does? Help me! Please take this from me!!!!! I hate feeling the way I do!!!” 

But I also knew, the more I fought what was happening, the longer the healing process was going to take. Our bodies have to do what they need to do in order to heal. So, we sometimes have to feel really bad before we can feel better. I know. It stinks!!!

I am learning a lot about myself. I realize my dad’s abuse made me feel unworthy of love; unworthy of healing; unworthy of praise; unworthy of connection; unworthy of hope and unworthy of being treated as I should be treated and so much more.

For a very long time, I haven’t felt like I deserved to be given good things. I’ve hated myself for many many years because I couldn’t seem to get myself together. I’ve been so desperate to be “normal” that I haven’t been able to accept the journey God has for me. I’ve been fighting Him instead of trusting Him.

“Comfort is never found in answers. Comfort is found in arms.” Voskamp

I love answers. I think most of us do. Even though, I prefer answers, God met me with comfort while I was on my knees and on the floor in the fetal position crying out for help. I knew, the only way I was going to make it, was to hang on to Him for dear life. My survival depended on Him and His comforting arms.

“In the face of pain and betrayal, God agonized. Never doubt God understands where you are, and God knows what it’s like to be you. The vulnerability of this kind of God proves the reliability of this kind of story. Jesus held the cup that holds the story you never wanted; Jesus held the cup that holds the darkness you never wanted to know, the pain you wish you and your people had escaped, the scars that have forever marred your only heart.”  Voskamp

It’s horrible to suffer. Frankly, I prefer not to. But, I am in a relationship with Someone who knows suffering. He knows what it’s like to be me. He knows the pain and the darkness I feel. He knows there are many days I don’t necessarily love my story.

While I was desperately looking for answers, I realized my eyes were fixated more on answers and healing than on Jesus. It was a sobering revelation. Of course we want answers. We want to understand. But sometimes, God looks at us and says, “My comfort is enough right now.” I know, those words are hard to hear when we are desperate for an answer or healing.

“Its the way the human eye turns—we look toward loss, fixated on what we can’t fix. The eyes of the heart are drawn to absences. We look toward loss because our interior health is ultimately a function of how we see loss, process loss, live in spite of loss, live through endless loss. How we view our losses determines how we brave our life.” Voskamp

I’ve known for a long time, that I tried to fix my dad, and a lot of others, by pleasing and performing. My body and my mind have paid a huge price living that way. I’ve lived a life trying to keep everyone happy, so I could feel safe. My safety can’t be dependent on others. I need to believe that God is the only One who will keep me safe. 

God doesn’t want me or you to live for anyone else. He wants us to live for His great good and glory. That needs to be our priority. But, I also know how hard it is to live that way when you’ve been conditioned to protect yourself. 

“Pour out your heart to Jesus with expectation, and fully trust that Jesus will always move, but always in a way profoundly different from the way you expect.” Voskamp

I have to be honest… When I was crying out to God the past three months, I struggled with the way He was moving or not moving in my life. I wanted healing. I wanted it to happen now, so I didn’t have to go through another day of mental and physical anguish. I look back and wonder how I made it through. I know He didn’t move how I expected Him to move, but He gave me the ability to hang in there day after day. (I also had dear friends who were fervently praying for me.)

We are so limited on how to perceive and understand God’s ways. There are many times our minds can’t comprehend what is going on. But… He promises to work things out for good in our lives. He promises to always be with us and never leave us. He promises He has a purpose that is good and perfect for us. I know how hard it is to believe His truth when we are falling apart. But, we have to believe His promises. He’s all I’ve got to get me through life. I must believe His words are true.

If you are struggling, I’m so sorry! I pray this post helps in some way. If you don’t have a counselor, find one. If you don’t have people praying for you, ask them to. I know how hard it is to be vulnerable around others. If you aren’t crying out to God, cry out! If you need to take medication, take it. I’ve struggled taking mine for years. But for now, I have to. 

“And the Word of God does all the real work within you as you obey and trust that though you may not yet see how God is working, the Way is working everything out. Even though you may not yet see what has changed, you can act on Jesus’ Word, trust in Jesus’ Word, lean on Jesus’ Word. The best way to find the way through is to keep walking the way of obedience. This is the pilgrimage of our lives.” Voskamp

When God asked me to write about my struggles years ago, I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going. I can’t believe I am still here, sharing everything I am learning and living out in my life. I questioned God many times the past three months. I doubted His ways and I was definitely more honest than I’ve ever been as I cried out to Him. I said words I never thought I’d say to Him. But I can now see, that everything that happened and the words I spoke, were necessary to get me to where I am today. I am grateful. I am thankful. I still love God and want His will in my life.

In case you are wondering, my body is finally calming down. I am able to function without a lot of anguish and pain most days. I have to give my mental health to Him daily. Do I still want to be healed? Absolutely. Do I want my days to be void of debilitating anxiety? Yes! But, I will walk with God and ask Him to give me the strength I need to make it through another day. I have to live my life fully dependent on Him. 

There are so many Psalms that address our fear, anxiety, depression, anguish, hard times, etc. I recommend finding a few Psalms that speak to you and your situation. Read the verses out loud as a prayer to God because there is so much power in praying God’s word.

Here are a few verses that might be helpful for you.

Proverbs 3: 5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” 

Psalm 62:8 “Trust in Him at all times; you people, pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.”

Psalm 32:8 “I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.”

Psalm 105:4 “Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always.”

Life is definitely a journey filled with many ups and downs. I’ve had to fight my way through many days, months and years. God is bringing me closer to a place where I can trust Him and His ways. Yes, I love answers and understanding, but I want to accept His good and perfect will for me. I want to believe Him when He says He will make my path straight.

I am learning faith is a long obedience in the right direction. I want my direction to be towards Jesus, even if it is filled with a lot of yucky stuff. He is the only One who can bring beauty out of ashes. I can’t imagine living my life without Him by my side.

Until next time dear friends….This is my journey to joy!

One Last Thursday

Published on by foolforchrist117Leave a comment

Today the tears are flowing because today is Thursday. Every Thursday, I picked my mom up at noon. Then, we would go to lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant. She always ordered a beef burrito and I ordered a chicken quesadilla. My mom loved Mexican food. We would sit across the table from one another, laugh, and talk about so many different things. 

Then, I would drive her to get her hair done. I am going to miss looking over at the passenger seat and not see my cute Momma next to me. My mom loved getting her hair done. It was the highlight of the week for her because she’s been gong to the same hairdresser for 55 years. The women in the beauty shop were family to her and to me. We would laugh, share problems, pray for one another, and solve the world’s issues. We always left happy and refreshed from our time together at the beauty salon. 

The last day we had together was a Thursday. She wasn’t feeling well, but she wanted to have our day together. She was having stomach pain while we were eating lunch, but she wanted to keep moving forward. Even though she was in pain, we made it to the hair dresser. We had to help her get to the wash basin and the chair. But, by golly, we got her hair done!

That was the last Thursday Mom and I were able to get out together. It was the last day I was able to have a conversation with her. It was the last day we were able to have our routine together. I will cherish that one last Thursday forever and I thank God for it!  

The very next day she went into a deep sleep. She could still nod her head at first and respond to questions with a simple “yes” or “no”. I was able to hear her whisper “I love you” one more time. But as the days went by, she became unresponsive. And finally, she took her last breath late in the evening on January 13, 2024. 

She was “Mamacita” “Merle the Pearl” “Mother” “Mom” and so much more to me. She was “Mimi” to her grandchildren and great-grand children and other people who knew her well. I remember someone asking me one time, “What is your mother’s name? I only know her as Mimi?” 

She was always a very loving mother, but when she came to faith in Jesus Christ, her love became supernatural. She had the ability to love me, my family and others well because she allowed Jesus to take over her heart and her life too. Her ability to be able to live that way inspired me to have a relationship with Jesus.

I will never forget being at church camp and deciding I wanted to follow Jesus. The camp  contacted my mom to tell her that I wanted to be baptized. So, she drove to camp to talk to me before the baptism because she wanted to make sure I knew what I was doing. She talked to me about what it meant to live for Jesus and shared scripture with me. At the time, I was frustrated with her because I was twelve, and of course I knew what I was doing. But, she wanted to make sure I understood the decision I was about to make. That’s the kind of mom I had. 

She inspired me to study the Bible because God’s word was so important to her. She woke up every morning to have a quiet time and seeing her do that made me want to do the same. She lived every day giving her life to God and to others. She had a servant’s heart and that made me want to have one too.

I saw her pray and lean on the Lord every single day of her life. If you’ve read any of my posts, you know my home life wasn’t easy. My father was volatile every day. We never knew when he would explode, but my mom prayed for him. She told me we had to pray for him so we would be able to forgive him. 

She almost always had a smile on her face. So many people told us, at the funeral home, that they loved her smile. They loved her disposition. They loved the way she made them feel when they were with her. She had a gift of making people feel special. 

Last year, Mom was telling me she felt useless because she wasn’t able to speak or teach like she used to. She also had trouble writing. Her dementia and Parkinson’s disease put limitations on her abilities to do her normal activities. I told her, “Mom, you still have purpose. You make everyone feel special where you are living. Every time I walk in the door, people tell me how much they love you and are so thankful you live there. They love your smile. They see how kind you are. You show them Jesus every single day. You have purpose.”

She was a witness by just being who she was. She didn’t really need to do anything else. She let Jesus shine through her. That fact speaks volumes to me and I hope it inspires you. This world needs kindness. We need someone to speak kind words. We need people to compliment one another and lift one another up. We need someone to smile and ask how we are doing. We need people to pray for us. We need to love one another. It’s really pretty simple. We don’t have to be famous or make lots of money. We just need to be a servant…be like Jesus.

I will see her again some day. Her body will be renewed and her face will show His glory. I can’t wait for that moment! Until then, I want to carry on by loving others the way she did; helping people in need; finding joy; smiling; living a life that brings honor and glory to my Savior and being kind to the people God puts in my path. I want to follow in my mom and my Savior’s footsteps. 

I know she is free now. I know she is with her Savior. She is rejoicing in heaven. My mind knows the truth, but my heart aches. I miss her. I miss our Thursdays together. I am kind of lost because caring for her was a huge part of my life. But, I know things will get better. Every day I am looking for God to make a way through my grief. I will lean on Him to be my strength and my hope as I process my pain every day.  

“Mom, you left a legacy of faith, love, kindness, joy and goodness. I am so thankful you were my mother. You gave me the greatest gift of all. You showed me what it was like to live for Jesus every single day. I am eternally grateful to you for that! I will see you again. But until that day comes, I have work to do. I love you and I miss you!”

Isaiah 43:19 “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

Until next time my dear friends…