Tag: faith

Grief Unlocks Things We’ve Kept Hidden

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Have you ever been grieving, over someone or something, and all of a sudden you realize there are feelings, emotions and thoughts inside you that you didn’t realize were there? A few weeks ago, I was journaling, pouring my heart out to God, when I heard His voice say to me, “You aren’t exactly thrilled with the way your life has turned out. You aren’t happy with the way I’ve answered your prayers. I would like to show you why.”

When I heard those words, I immediately started crying because I felt so guilty for feeling the way I did. But, I knew He was right because He is always right. To even admit, I wasn’t happy with the way God answered my prayers, was unsettling. But, I also knew He would reveal to me why I was so disappointed. In that moment, my childhood began to unfold before me. 

The first movie I recall watching as a little girl was Cinderella. I didn’t have an evil stepmother or evil stepsisters, but I could relate to the mistreatment she experienced from them. I wasn’t mistreated by my mother, but I was by my father. I grew up yearning for a different reaction from him on a daily basis. Cinderella just wanted to be loved and accepted. She worked tirelessly day after day to survive her life with her family. So did I.

My little self yearned for a day that my Prince Charming would come and rescue me. I didn’t realize what that movie, and others like it, did to me internally. I developed an attitude that if I worked hard enough, did enough, pleased enough, and did everything I could to make everyone happy, I would be rescued from all the bad things that were happening around me. 

So, I sacrificed myself, in so many ways, day after day after day hoping and praying things would be different. What do they say about insanity? It is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. While I was sitting there, pondering my insanity, Jesus brought to my mind a story that I recently discussed with a friend of mine. It is called The Drowning Man. If you don’t know this story, let me share it with you.  

                                                    The Drowning Man

A man was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help. Soon a man in a rowboat came by. The guy in the rowboat shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.”

The man on the roof shouted back, “No, it’s ok. I’m praying to God and He is going to save me.” So the rowboat moved on. 

Then a guy in a motorboat came by. He shouted, “Jump in, I can save you!” The stranded man replied, “No thanks. I’m praying to God and He is going to save me. I have faith.” So the motor boat went on.

Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.” To this the stranded man again replied, “No thanks. I’m praying to God and He is going to save me. I have faith.” So the helicopter reluctantly flew away. 

Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, “I had faith in you, but you didn’t save me. You let me drown. I don’t understand why!”

To this God replied, “I sent you a rowboat, a motorboat and a helicopter. What more did you expect?” 

A huge, and I mean huge, revelation came to me after I thought about this story. The little girl inside me, who wanted a “Cinderella” outcome, was not happy with the things God sent her. She longed to be swept away by someone. She craved for a different outcome with the ones she loved. She desperately wanted her life to turn out differently. She didn’t want everything to be so hard. She desired an easier way. She yearned for a different response from God and from the people she loved. 

After my revelation, I wrote, “Oh what a moment this is for me! Since, I’ve been a little girl, I’ve been living my life wanting a different response from You. I didn’t see or understand that I’ve been doing this. No wonder I yearn for so much more; for a different outcome; for my life to be different. I’ve been so focused on the way I wanted everything to be. You’ve been handing me the resources to save me and I’ve been waiting for a different response from you. I wanted the fairy godmother response. “Poof! Everything is better!” I wanted miracles. I wanted people to behave themselves and act the way they should. “Why can’t they treat me and others better than they do?” 

I don’t think I can adequately explain what that moment with the Lord did for me. I was finally able to look at that little girl inside me and have so much compassion for her because what she wanted wasn’t bad. Her desires were good. She just wanted an easier way. A way that wasn’t filled with so much heartache. 

I have to admit, I’ve struggled with accepting the different ways He’s chosen to rescue me throughout my life. I just couldn’t see or understand what He was doing in my life because it wasn’t the way I would have chosen. 

I began to journal and say, “Thank you for the resources You’ve sent my way to save me. You’ve given me a relationship with You that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Your way taught me so much more than I could ever imagine. Your way gave me a calling to help others. Your way has given me life changing results, which I would say, are little miracles along the way.”

Maybe some of you can relate to what I am saying. Maybe you haven’t been happy with the way your life has turned out. Maybe you feel grief over lost dreams and desires. Maybe you wanted a different outcome with the people that you love. Maybe you haven’t been able to see the hand of God in your life. 

Would you please take a moment and ask Him to help you see what He is doing in your life? Open your heart up to His will and His desires for you. For me, I’ve had to come to the point of accepting God’s way instead of mine. Sometimes, it is extremely difficult to accept His way  especially when you come from an abusive background. 

I want to share something I recently read by Jackie Hill Perry. “It’s a strange feeling to love someone that’s supposed to love you back and for some reason, they can’t or won’t. I’ve come to terms with the limits of my father’s love. He was human. My father was still a gift to this world and to me and God knew this from the beginning. He knew I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have him and for that, I can smile on days like this.”

There were many, many times I asked God, “Why did you give me a dad like this?” But now I see why. My dad’s abusive words gave me the desire to think before I speak. His alcoholism made me never want to be controlled by alcohol. The way he treated us made me determined to show kindness and patience towards others. He made me work for things I wanted, so he gave me a strong work ethic. He was good at helping others when they needed help, so I’ve always tried to so the same. And most of all, because of his abuse, I was determined to be different. I was determined to follow Jesus. And if my childhood would have been easier, maybe I wouldn’t have wanted a relationship with my Savior. 

I believe we’ve all been the drowning man at some point in our lives. We’ve wanted a different response from God. His response to our cries for help hasn’t always been the answer we’ve yearned for. We keep looking for other ways instead of His ways. I think we have to come to the point where we have to give it all to Him and be okay with His response. Even though I might struggle with His ways, they are better than mine. When I am able to finally step back and see what He has done in my life, I am able to realize the good that has come from some pretty awful situations. 

God can only give good. He is perfect and His ways are perfect, even if we struggle with them. Beauty can come from ashes. Hope can be found even amid despair. Resurrection is possible. God is in the business of birthing life from death. He is our Prince Charming. He does answer our cries for help with something far better than we can imagine. 

“We need to imagination of artists, poets, prophets, writers, musicians, and all those who have the capacity to view life with a more expansive viewpoint.” Kolber  

I know, for a fact, that my tunnel vision has only given me an immense disappointment with God because He didn’t move in my life the way I thought He should move. I couldn’t see what He was doing because I was stubborn, like the drowning man, about the way I should be rescued. My vision has kept me from seeing what He’s done and is doing in my life. 

God has been so gracious to turn the key and open the door, so I could look at the things I’ve kept hidden inside me. I know there will be many more moments ahead of me and I am grateful for the way He continues to work in my life. Yes, it’s hard to see myself sometimes, but it’s also wonderful to help me understand why I react the way I do; why I think the way I do; why I live the way I do.

My journey with grief is definitely helping me understand so much about myself. Even though there are days that are really hard, there are also many days that I feel empowered by what He is showing me because there is always purpose to our pain. Always.

I would like to end this post with a prayer. “Lord, You are holy and perfect. You are constantly watching over us. May Your will be done in our lives. Help us to to look within ourselves and ask the tough questions we need to ask. Give us insight into what we need to learn about ourselves. Help us see the ways You are rescuing us. Help us to come to terms with what we want and exchange our desires for Your desires. May we learn to trust You. May we believe how much You love us and only want what is good for us. Give us eyes to see the beauty that comes from the ashes in our lives. Give us a grateful heart  for what You have done and will continue to do. May You take our pain and turn it into joy.  Amen! “

Until next time dear friends. This is my journey to joy. 

One Last Thursday

Published on by foolforchrist117Leave a comment

Today the tears are flowing because today is Thursday. Every Thursday, I picked my mom up at noon. Then, we would go to lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant. She always ordered a beef burrito and I ordered a chicken quesadilla. My mom loved Mexican food. We would sit across the table from one another, laugh, and talk about so many different things. 

Then, I would drive her to get her hair done. I am going to miss looking over at the passenger seat and not see my cute Momma next to me. My mom loved getting her hair done. It was the highlight of the week for her because she’s been gong to the same hairdresser for 55 years. The women in the beauty shop were family to her and to me. We would laugh, share problems, pray for one another, and solve the world’s issues. We always left happy and refreshed from our time together at the beauty salon. 

The last day we had together was a Thursday. She wasn’t feeling well, but she wanted to have our day together. She was having stomach pain while we were eating lunch, but she wanted to keep moving forward. Even though she was in pain, we made it to the hair dresser. We had to help her get to the wash basin and the chair. But, by golly, we got her hair done!

That was the last Thursday Mom and I were able to get out together. It was the last day I was able to have a conversation with her. It was the last day we were able to have our routine together. I will cherish that one last Thursday forever and I thank God for it!  

The very next day she went into a deep sleep. She could still nod her head at first and respond to questions with a simple “yes” or “no”. I was able to hear her whisper “I love you” one more time. But as the days went by, she became unresponsive. And finally, she took her last breath late in the evening on January 13, 2024. 

She was “Mamacita” “Merle the Pearl” “Mother” “Mom” and so much more to me. She was “Mimi” to her grandchildren and great-grand children and other people who knew her well. I remember someone asking me one time, “What is your mother’s name? I only know her as Mimi?” 

She was always a very loving mother, but when she came to faith in Jesus Christ, her love became supernatural. She had the ability to love me, my family and others well because she allowed Jesus to take over her heart and her life too. Her ability to be able to live that way inspired me to have a relationship with Jesus.

I will never forget being at church camp and deciding I wanted to follow Jesus. The camp  contacted my mom to tell her that I wanted to be baptized. So, she drove to camp to talk to me before the baptism because she wanted to make sure I knew what I was doing. She talked to me about what it meant to live for Jesus and shared scripture with me. At the time, I was frustrated with her because I was twelve, and of course I knew what I was doing. But, she wanted to make sure I understood the decision I was about to make. That’s the kind of mom I had. 

She inspired me to study the Bible because God’s word was so important to her. She woke up every morning to have a quiet time and seeing her do that made me want to do the same. She lived every day giving her life to God and to others. She had a servant’s heart and that made me want to have one too.

I saw her pray and lean on the Lord every single day of her life. If you’ve read any of my posts, you know my home life wasn’t easy. My father was volatile every day. We never knew when he would explode, but my mom prayed for him. She told me we had to pray for him so we would be able to forgive him. 

She almost always had a smile on her face. So many people told us, at the funeral home, that they loved her smile. They loved her disposition. They loved the way she made them feel when they were with her. She had a gift of making people feel special. 

Last year, Mom was telling me she felt useless because she wasn’t able to speak or teach like she used to. She also had trouble writing. Her dementia and Parkinson’s disease put limitations on her abilities to do her normal activities. I told her, “Mom, you still have purpose. You make everyone feel special where you are living. Every time I walk in the door, people tell me how much they love you and are so thankful you live there. They love your smile. They see how kind you are. You show them Jesus every single day. You have purpose.”

She was a witness by just being who she was. She didn’t really need to do anything else. She let Jesus shine through her. That fact speaks volumes to me and I hope it inspires you. This world needs kindness. We need someone to speak kind words. We need people to compliment one another and lift one another up. We need someone to smile and ask how we are doing. We need people to pray for us. We need to love one another. It’s really pretty simple. We don’t have to be famous or make lots of money. We just need to be a servant…be like Jesus.

I will see her again some day. Her body will be renewed and her face will show His glory. I can’t wait for that moment! Until then, I want to carry on by loving others the way she did; helping people in need; finding joy; smiling; living a life that brings honor and glory to my Savior and being kind to the people God puts in my path. I want to follow in my mom and my Savior’s footsteps. 

I know she is free now. I know she is with her Savior. She is rejoicing in heaven. My mind knows the truth, but my heart aches. I miss her. I miss our Thursdays together. I am kind of lost because caring for her was a huge part of my life. But, I know things will get better. Every day I am looking for God to make a way through my grief. I will lean on Him to be my strength and my hope as I process my pain every day.  

“Mom, you left a legacy of faith, love, kindness, joy and goodness. I am so thankful you were my mother. You gave me the greatest gift of all. You showed me what it was like to live for Jesus every single day. I am eternally grateful to you for that! I will see you again. But until that day comes, I have work to do. I love you and I miss you!”

Isaiah 43:19 “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

Until next time my dear friends…