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2023 was a year I will never forget. Like a rollercoaster ride, it has been a year of many highs and lows. But, with each high and low, there has been significant growth in my body. For the first time, in a very long time and maybe ever, my body is becoming resilient. And that, my dear friends, is a miracle and gift God is giving me!

Like a ship in a storm, I have been hammered and tossed around since I was born. I had to learn to fight to survive every single day of my childhood. I also had to learn strategies to help me maneuver through every situation I faced. Some of my methods were helpful and some were harmful to my body. They became habits that were imbedded deeply inside of me.

I wasn’t aware of what I’d done to myself until the panic attacks rose up inside me around my fortieth birthday. I will never forget the intense pain and fear I felt. I was scared to leave my house. At one point, I couldn’t drive. I couldn’t sleep. I felt like I was dying. Every day was filled with a deep fear that I wasn’t going to survive. 

But God used that horrible time in my life to show me that I needed to heal. I needed to start therapy. I needed to deal with what was going on inside me. My body was in crisis mode and I needed to stop and listen.  

So, I’ve been listening and tending to my body the past twenty four years. My body has slowly been healing. If I am going to be perfectly honest, it has taken much longer than I would have liked. But, now that I am able to look back, I am so grateful for every painful issue I’ve encountered. Every journal I’ve written. Every book I’ve read. Every Bible study I’ve been a part of. Every counseling session I’ve had—and there have been many!!!!

For years, I thought healing would be the answer to all my issues. But, what I’ve been given is so much more than healing. My reward is a deep, loving relationship with my Father, Savior and Holy Spirit. I wouldn’t trade that for anything this world could ever offer me. Don’t get me wrong, healing is wonderful, but my endgame has changed. I want to grow more, learn more, change more, and share more than I have before. 

Several years ago, God asked me to share my life by writing a blog. I asked Him several times if I was hearing Him correctly. I didn’t consider myself a writer and didn’t believe I was capable of doing what HE asked me to do. But, I wanted to be obedient and I knew in my heart that He would give me the ability to accomplish what He asked me to do. 

I am not the same person I was when I started writing. God continues to heal me; grow me and change me into the woman He created me to be. Because of Him, and only Him, I am able to share my life with you. 

This past year brought many challenges with my mom’s health. We were uncertain many times if she was going to be around another year. A few weeks ago, while Mom was lying in her bed, God gently reminded me to live day by day; To trust Him and His will; To hang on to my plans for the day loosely; To be willing to see that His way is perfect and good and to believe that He will always get it right. When I was able to do what He asked me to do, my body was filled with so much peace. He also filled me with the strength I needed to live out my day.

My prayer, and hope for myself and for you, is to learn to live day by day in 2024. To see Him more clearly as we give Him our days; To trust God is always going to get our days right, even when we struggle understanding what He is doing; To hang on to our plans loosely because His plan is even better than ours could ever be. May we find the peace and strength we need to live our days for Him.

Happy New Year my friends!!!!

Lamentations 3:23 “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is they faithfulness.”

This time of year can bring up a plethora of feelings for many people. This might be the first holiday without a loved one. You might have mixed feelings about being with certain family members. You might be dreading the whole holiday season. Or you might be thinking you have no idea what I am talking about. Good for you! Ha Ha

When we are around a lot of people and a lot of noise, trauma survivors can get easily triggered. It might be the noise. It might be what people say. It might be the environment you are in. So, we need to be prepared emotionally for what we might encounter. We need to look up for guidance, for help, and for techniques to help us when we are triggered. 

When I was a child, I became a little girl who was controlled by my father’s words and also the words of others. I became what I needed to be, not what I wanted to be, in order to survive. I allowed words to define me. If someone didn’t approve of what I wanted to do, I wouldn’t do it. I was scared to rock the boat because it was safer for me not to. 

I didn’t realize how much I was controlled by words until I started delving into my emotions and feelings. We hear words every day. Some words are positive and some are negative. Some words give life and others suck the life out of us. Words from others controlled my every move and made me a pleaser and a performer. 

I am now in the process of learning and believing that words are just words. The negative words people say to us don’t have to stay in us. They aren’t a life sentence. We can’t allow the negative to define us or enter our hearts. They are just words. 

One of the hardest battles I’ve faced is believing God’s words to be truer than the words I heard as a child. I have to let those horrible words spoken to me go and give them to God. I am finding when I see myself as God does, and not how others see me, the power of words are losing their power over me.

Because negative words impacted me so much, my eyes simply couldn’t comprehend the goodness of God. When you’ve lived most of your life in survival mode, it’s really hard to look up because you’ve spent all your energy looking around for threats. Your body functions in defense mode and it isn’t able to look up. 

This Christmas, God is giving me a miraculous gift. He is helping me look up and look around. I’m noticing that I am able to see and hear things differently. I am able to see His gifts more readily. I am hearing His voice and I am looking forward to seeing what He is doing with joy and anticipation. For me, this is a miracle.

A miracle doesn’t have to be something huge that everyone sees. It could be something as simple as noticing you are handling circumstances differently than you did a year ago; a month ago; a week ago. You are able to see the good in a situation for the first time. You are able to see God in the littlest of things. When you are able to look up or look around to see God for the first time, that is a miracle!

God gives God in the form of His Son Jesus. His birth fulfills the law and the love God has for us. He sent His one and only Son to give us a visual representation of Himself. And yet, most of us struggle accepting the love He has for us. We wrestle with accepting who He really is. I personally struggled with that kind of love because of the way I was treated as a child. And, maybe you have too. I think the problem is we might internally look at Him the way we look at the people who have hurt us. I know I did. 

I’ve read, studied and struggled along the way and I’ve come to this conclusion. He is not of this world, therefore, we can’t compare Him to a human being. He is perfect and good. He is love. He comes to us because of our failings. He is drawn to the broken hearted. He is never absent and never distant. He runs when He hears us cry. He refuses to give up on us. He holds us and enfolds us. He suffers with us. He gives us everything we need. He makes a way when there seems to be no way. This is who God is.

He is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. He gave us Jesus to save us from our sins so He could be with us forever.  He only speaks truth. He is not able to lie. He is always working in our favor. He is a mystery because there is no one like Him. He is the only One capable to truly take care of us. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He works everything for good in our lives. He is a miracle!

Let that truth seep into your bones. Ask for eyes to see Him for who He truly is. Eyes to see what He is doing in your life. Eyes to see which way to turn. Eyes to see the gifts and miracles happening around you. “We only find out where we are when we find out where He is. We only find ourselves…when we find Him.” Voskamp That is the absolute truth!

I started listing the gifts that God daily gives me several years ago. Yes, there are days that I forget to make my list, but this habit has really helped me be aware of what God is doing in my life. Some days I see more gifts than others. But, when I am able to write my gifts down, my eyes are able to see Him working in my life. And that my friends, is helping me discover what a good God He is. Writing down gifts gives us so much appreciation for what we have and lessens the power of what we don’t have.

I look at the wise men and what they did to follow a star. The wise men were wise because they made their priority, “Follow that star!” And by following that star, they were able to see their Savior. That’s what happens when we look up. When we are able to count gifts.

We have to decide to look up. Look around. Look inside ourselves. Look for Him in everything. When we are able to do that, it is truly a game changer!

A few weeks ago, I thought I was going to lose my mother. My mom has Parkinson’s and dementia. We’ve been watching her health slowly decline this past year. She has given us some scares a couple of times, but the nurse felt that this time was different. Her vitals were not good. I asked if I needed to call my brother to tell him to come and the nurse said, “Yes.” (My brother lives 4 hours away). So, I called my brother, my husband, my children, friends, and family members to give them the news. 

When I got to her room, she was in her bed. Her eyes were closed and she looked like she was in a deep sleep. She could hear my voice because she nodded when she heard me, which meant she wasn’t completely unresponsive. I held her hand and told her how much I loved her. I told her it was okay to go be with Jesus. I was preparing myself for the worst case scenario because of what I was seeing right before my eyes. 

Then I prayed, “Father, You have Mom’s days numbered. You know when You are going to call her home to be with You. I pray for Your will to be done. I would love to have her a little bit longer, but if she needs to go be with You, then help me to handle what lies ahead. I want what is best for her. Your will is good and perfect, so that is what I want for both of us. I love you and I thank you for the days I’ve had with her.”

The nurses, aides, friends and family said their goodbyes. Many tears were shed for the next 24-48 hours. Then, something miraculous started to happen. My mom started opening her eyes more. She began to speak. She wanted something to drink and eat. She wanted to get up and get out of her bed. Everyone was shocked and amazed!! We couldn’t believe what we were seeing! The nurses now call her “Miraculous Merle”! 

No one understands what happened with my Mom. She doesn’t understand and I don’t either. But, I know God’s will happened because that is what we prayed for. 

I’ve been looking for the gifts. I’ve been listening to the Lord. I’ve been dancing with joy over what He is doing in my life. I would still be dancing even if my mother wasn’t here. Do you want to know why? Because His will is good and perfect. He is a good God. I know my mom will be in heaven some day. And that, my friends, gives me a reason to rejoice. She will be reunited with my brother and that makes me smile and gives me so much comfort.

“The miracle of gifts is never not coming.” Voskamp 

When we change the way we see, and the way we hear, we are able to live our lives differently. We are able to be grateful even when our circumstances aren’t good. We are able to trust the One who holds us in the palm of His hands. We are able to have the peace that passes all understanding. 

Am I able to be grateful, trust and have peace all the time? No. I still get scared. I still cry out to God to change my circumstances or change that person. But, what has changed is the confidence I have in Him. “Every little thing is going to be okay because God is working good through every little thing.” Voskamp

I would like to end this post with a revelation God gave me while I was reading, “The Greatest Gift” by Ann Voskamp. I’ve been reading this Christmas devotional every year for the past ten years. Every year I read it, God gives me eyes to see what needs to be seen in my life. 

I was sitting in my chair, reading my devotional, and these words jumped off the pages and entered my heart. “Worry is belief gone wrong. Because you don’t believe that God will get it right.” I immediately started crying because those words revealed to me that I had a deep, dark doubt in my heart that I wasn’t aware of. I was afraid God hadn’t gotten things in my life right and wouldn’t get it right in the future. I know that my doubts came from being an abused child. 

I couldn’t believe I felt that way, but I did. I needed to confess my doubts and get them into the light so Jesus could change my heart and my thinking. I needed to believe that He is always right, even though I might question His ways. Who do I think I am anyway? I am not God. I can’t see like He sees. His ways are not my ways. He is always where I doubt He can be. 

Since I had my revelation, God has been doing a work in me. I am able to see differently and hear differently. I am looking for the gifts and thanking Him every step of the way. I have joy that He will always have me in the palm of His hand no matter what happens. He will provide what I need when I need it. I am looking up and around so I can see Him. 

This Christmas, my prayer for you is to have eyes to see and ears to hear the Lord. That, we will be able to see the gifts all around us. That, we can be grateful and look forward to seeing Him more in our lives. That, we can believe we can never be undone. He is never absent. He intends to turn whatever we are experiencing into a gift and work His good and perfect will in our lives because of His great love for us. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS my dear friends!!!!! May you experience the love and wonder of Jesus!

I love old musicals. I grew up watching Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, Gene Kelly, Debbie Reynolds, Donald O’Conner and many more. When I was little, I would put my tap shoes on and go down in the basement and dance. While I danced, I dreamed of some day being able to dance like the dancers in the movies.  

I am learning that life is a dance for all of us. “God made all of our bodies to learn to move with what we’re experiencing.” Kolber That sweet little girl, who loved to dance, got stuck and wasn’t able to move because she didn’t feel safe to express her feelings and desires. She was stuck and felt trapped in many ways because she wasn’t safe. But now she is learning to help her body dance with her pain; her emotions; her feelings and help them move through her body. 

“When we experience trauma or hold emotional disturbances in our body, our movements become limited. Such pain created rigidity (hyperarousal) or, in some cases, a sense of complete collapse (hypoarousal).” Kolber  That little girl had to work so hard to survive, she just didn’t have the ability to dance with everything going on inside her.

Dance requires movement. We have to move our bodies in order to dance. For some of us, dancing comes naturally. Others have to work really hard to learn the steps in order to dance. But, before we can dance, we have to be aware of what is going on inside of us.

In September, I was journaling in my notebook and I had a deep realization that I was in severe anguish over some issues in my life. I am a word nerd, so I decided to look up the definition of anguish. 

Anguish—severe mental or physical pain or suffering. 

After I read the definition, my mind immediately thought of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus was feeling deep anguish over His impending death on the cross. His anguish was so severe that He sweat drops of blood. He didn’t pretend He was “okay.” He lamented. He cried out to His Heavenly Father. He asked his friends to stay up with Him and pray. 

Why, oh why, do we in our western culture, not feel comfortable acting like Jesus? Why do we feel like we can’t reach out or cry out; ask our friends to stay with us; feel deep grief; express our pain. Why is that considered weakness by so many? Why are we taught to stuff and not express? Why are we so uncomfortable with our feelings? 

“Lamenting is an embodied way of expressing and releasing deep pain. It’s a sacred engagement with God while in pain. We express our grief to God, while knowing we are held.” Kolber

It’s a beautiful work to become flexible with your emotions, of working to truly acknowledge and allowing ourselves to feel our reality. It’s a work of a lifetime, and it is a holy endeavor.” Kolber

Listen, I have fallen into the comparison game more than I like to admit. I have condemned myself; wondered too many times what was wrong with me; felt so alone and misunderstood for too many years because of the lack of compassion in our culture. But then I read words that say, “I am on a holy endeavor; It’s a beautiful work; It’s a sacred work; When we express our grief to God, we are held”. We need to say those words to ourselves and to others who are struggling. 

I’ve been slowly learning to accept my feelings and emotions and be more aware of them. We need to remember that God designed our bodies to feel. And, then He gave our bodies the ability to move through our emotions. When we ignore our emotions, they will get stuck. And, that’s when our feelings begin to develop into issues. 

I’ve read Romans 8:22-23 many times, but a month ago, verse 23 blew my mind in light of what I’ve been reading and learning. 

“We know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth…for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering.”  

Stay with me for a minute. Not only does creation groan, but our bodies groan to be released from sin and suffering. Our bodies were made to groan…to lament. In case you are wondering what lament means— here you go!

Lament—a prayer expressing sorrow, pain, or confusion. 

We are actually bringing safety to our bodies when we grieve, lament, and express our anguish because our feelings need to be released. If you look at people in the Old Testament, they knew how to lament. They knew how to turn to God with their pain and their sorrow. The book of Psalms is filled with lamenting, groaning and crying out. I’d also like to point out that David danced before God. David knew that God heard him and he also knew that God was the only One who would come to His rescue. 

In the midst of lamenting, I’ve become aware that I’ve been going through a three step process in my mind since I was a little girl….

Wishing + wanting = disappointment 

I grew up a very disappointed little girl. Disappointment was buried so deep inside me that I wasn’t even aware of it. So, I decided to go the Lord and ask two really hard questions. “Lord, am I disappointed in who you gave me as a father? Am I upset with You?” The answer was not what I expected to hear. 

“Laurie, you are brave for asking those questions. You are disappointed in your father’s actions; his demeanor; the way he handled being a father; the way he treated his family; the fact that he didn’t listen to you or anyone else; he didn’t change; he didn’t know how to love. No one could get through to him. There is a resistance present in you. Will you let me help you grow acceptance instead of resistance? That’s what I want for you.”

I was in tears when I heard those words. God knew me better than I knew myself. I wanted a peaceful sadness instead of disappointment over my life and relationships. I wanted to be able to accept God’s way instead of resisting it. 

So, I began to journal about my thoughts and feelings for several pages in my notebook and then I stopped. I decided I needed to look up the word acceptance. (I know! Here I go again! But it is so important to know the meaning behind the words.) 

Acceptance— person’s assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition that is a fait accompli without attempting to change it or protest it.

That definition made me realize I grew up a protestor. Of course I did! I had to be that way to survive. But, now I realize that protesting took over my ability to accept God’s plan for me. I’ve wrestled with God over so many issues, which I am not saying is bad, but it gave me so much anguish in my life to be in conflict with Him. I couldn’t have peace. Wishing and wanting was my internal struggle and when I was able to recognize what was going on inside of me, I was able to release that to the Lord. I began to dance.

Then, I started thinking about Joseph. (Yes, my brain does that!) He is one of my favorite characters in the Old Testament. He stands out to me because of the words he spoke in Genesis 50:20.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended if for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” 

In Hebrew, “you meant it for evil” means “you wove evil”, but “God rewove it together for good.”

That, my dear friends, is truth. He is reweaving my anguish; my angst; my disappointment; my suffering; my resistance; my lamenting; my trauma; my anxiety. He will do the same for you. 

Before I close, I want to share with you, something I’ve been doing that is really working to help me release what has been stuck inside me. I. Am. Dancing. I put music on that makes me happy and I dance around my house. I move my arms around as I dance. I express how I am feeling. I talk to God. I sing along with the words of the song.

The first time I did this a few weeks ago, I had goose bumps all over my body. I knew I was releasing something inside me. It felt so good to tingle all over. Moving my arms up and to the sides of my body is helping me move with my emotions and feelings. My body is being set free.

Go before God and ask Him to help you release what needs to be released. He will. Healing is a process. It takes time. It takes a lot of grieving and lamenting. It takes being self-aware. It takes patience. It takes being able to allow your feelings and emotions move through your body. It takes acceptance. It also takes people who are supporting you and praying for you. And it takes a really good counselor helping you every step of the way. 

So, grab your dancing shoes and see what happens. I pray you feel goose bumps all over your body. Raise your arms and dance around your house. Dance wherever you want to dance.  Dance outside. I am going to get up from my laptop right now and dance in my backyard! 

“For in Him we live and move and have our being.” Acts 17:28

Until next time….This is my journey to joy!

*** I got up to dance and the song “You Should Be Dancing” by the Bee Gees was on my Pandora station. Not kidding!!!

Feeling safe has been something I’ve struggled with most of my life. If you’ve been abused or been through traumatic experiences, there is a deep part of you that doesn’t feel safe either. I think we can all agree that since we’ve gone through a pandemic, and now experiencing the way the world is rapidly changing, we struggle with feeling safe a lot more than we used to.

In order to understand why we have issues with safety, we have to understand why our brains and bodies work the way they do. I have been exploring this topic for several years for two reasons. The main reason was to heal, but to be perfectly honest, the other reason was to help me get over feeling like a weirdo for so many years. I just couldn’t feel safe even though I was safe.

I have to share some technical information, for just a bit, in order to explain why our brains and bodies work the way they do. So, bear with me. There is a nerve that runs behind our brains and down the back of our bodies to where the stomach is. It is called the vagus nerve. It is the longest cranial nerve in the body. There is a part of the vagus nerve that is called the vagal brake. It’s important to know about the vagus nerve and the vagal brake because they are instrumental in helping us stay in our window of tolerance. (WOT is where you are able to handle what is happening around you.) 

If your childhood was riddled with abuse, like mine, we didn’t receive the care and support we needed when traumatic experiences happened. Our vagal brake didn’t learn how to develop properly. Aundi Kolber explains, “We are like automobiles with super-charged acceleration but no brakes. Once the gas is pushed, our bodies may skyrocket out of our WOT (Window of Tolerance) and into hyperarousal even at the smallest scares. And because there are no brakes, we may not be able to slow down until we crash into a ditch.”

Because our vagal brakes weren’t developed properly and they were in emergency mode for so long in order to protect us, our windows of tolerance became very small. My body can be “set off” by trivial things because my poor vagal brake hasn’t had a “break” in years. (Just had to throw that in there!)

When our bodies are reacting with anxiety, depression, obsessive disorders, panic attacks, etc., our vagal brakes are at their limit. We don’t feel safe and our WOT barely exists. In order to help our window of tolerance grow, we have to learn how to communicate with our bodies.

But here is is the mistake that most of us make. We just want to “push through” instead of “deal with” what is happening inside us. “We want to move on, to not be affected by whatever caused us pain in the past, But the truth is, there is no bypassing the information from our bodies. We can’t logic ourselves into safety or out of trauma. Telling our bodies that we are safe and feeling safe are two very different things.” Kolber

“There is a high cost to chronic experiences of feeling unsafe.” Kolber  

Years ago, when I was experiencing horrible panic attacks, my body was reacting violently and I didn’t know what to do. I was being triggered and I didn’t have the knowledge to understand what was triggering me. I would berate my body for reacting the way it did. I would tell my body, “I don’t think I see danger. Why are you reacting this way? I just don’t understand what is making my heart race and you shake? Why in the world do you keep doing this?” It was a very scary and frustrating time in my life. 

When our bodies are screaming at us, we have to stop and listen. We can’t tell our bodies we are safe, if they don’t feel safe. We have to deal with what is going on inside our bodies. Do you see the difference?

“Quite literally, we cannot regulate our emotions, learn, or think rationally unless we feel a certain degree of safety.” Kolber 

There were so many issues that were triggering me when I was experiencing panic attacks. I didn’t know that the sound of my Dad’s voice really bothered the little girl inside me. All he had to do was say my name, with a certain tone in his voice, and I would be triggered with panic. I didn’t know about the parts inside me that needed someone to listen to them. I hadn’t realized yet, they needed to feel safe before they could communicate with me.

It took years to sift through all the things that were triggering me. I still get triggered, but I am finally learning what to do when it happens. I would like to share what I do now, in order to feel safe.

If I am getting out of my window of tolerance, I have to stop, sit and listen to what my body is telling me. If I can, I get away from everyone. I ask the part of me that is struggling, “What is wrong?” Then, I listen and I bring Jesus into the discussion because my relationship with Him is the safest relationship I have. There is usually a conversation between the part that is having issues, me, and Jesus. We talk until that part or parts are able to get relief and feel safe. This process works for me because it gives me a way to cope with what is going on inside my body. 

It takes time to develop the ability to talk to your parts. Be patient. Get alone as much as you can. Close your eyes, ask questions and listen. Be in touch with what answers are being given. Write down what is being said, so you can remember later. Sometimes we are completely unaware of what is triggering our bodies. Your parts need to know they are safe. They need to know you are there for them.

There are also grounding exercises you can do if you find yourself getting out of your window of tolerance. Here is the link to a post I wrote a few months ago. 

The Stories Our Bodies Tell

We can have hope because of the plasticity God placed inside us. “The ability to shift, change, and grow is a beautiful gift that our Creator gave us, facilitating many important processes in our body. Plasticity helps us heal from trauma and other types of pain. It is also what has actually allowed us to adapt and survive chronically disturbing, overwhelming, or traumatic experiences in the first place.” Kolber

There is no one like God. There is no one who will ride across the heavens to help you except God. There is no one who can make a way through all your issues, but God. No one can love you, forgive you, accept you, live inside you or walk beside you like God can. He holds the truth that we desperately need. He is our help. He is for us, not against us. And…He is the only One who can truly help us feel safe. 

“Because He bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath.” Psalm 116:2

Feeling safe is critical to healing. And because of Him, I can feel safe. He is making a way for us to feel safe. He will help us find our footing on rocky paths. We simply have to invite Him into our lives. Invite Him into our fears. Invite Him into what has happened to us. Invite Him into our pain, so we can heal.

We can heal. We can change the way our brain works. We can talk to our bodies and ask questions and find new ways to deal. We can have hope. We can feel safe. We can move forward. We can work through our trauma and come out on the other side of it. There is hope.

I would like to suggest one more thing, before I close. Years ago, I read Ann Voskamp’s book One Thousand Gifts. That book inspired me to start keeping a gratitude journal. I’ve talked about this before in other posts, but it seemed appropriate to mention it again. I try to write down three things, in my life, that I consider gifts every day. Doing this practice daily, has helped my brain focus on good things. Research shows that having an attitude of gratitude also helps our minds repair.

Trauma is not (and never was) a gift. But our bodies’ ability to adapt so that we can survive? That’s the gift; that’s grace. And it gives everyone of us a reason to hope.” Kolber

Your body is a gift. It has protected you and helped you. Tell your body you are thankful for all it has done for you and also thank God for giving you your body. We are truly… fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

Until next time dear friends. This is my journey to joy (and safety!)

My family has struggled with different types of mental issues since I was a little girl. Because of my personal experience, I am convinced that our society doesn’t value the work it takes to heal. I do believe that there is definitely more awareness of mental illness, especially since COVID. But, there are still many people, who I’ve encountered, that think people that struggle with this type of illness should be able to get over their issues and move on. 

I just have to say this loud and clear. If you’ve been belittled or made to feel shame for your issues….. HEALING IS A LIFE LONG JOURNEY!  

I’ve felt deep shame for having “issues” from being abused. People have also made me feel like something is wrong with me. I understand why so many people don’t talk about what is really going on inside their bodies and maybe you’ve felt the same way too. We are afraid to open up and ask for help because we feel like people are going to think we are weird. We’re afraid of what others are going to think, or say, so we just suffer in silence.

We can’t let this continue. We must be supportive and loving. There is a very high percentage of people who are losing their lives because they don’t feel like it is safe to open up and be heard. Have you ever been in a group of people and someone is brave enough to open up about something they are struggling with? Then, someone else will chime in and share what they have been struggling with. Then someone else does the same. It’s a beautiful sight to see! That’s what we need more of!!!

We need people to be real with one another. It took me years, and I still struggle, to be real. I understand how hard it is! No one has your story. No one has the right to belittle you. We need your authenticity. 

“When authenticity threatens attachment, attachment trumps authenticity.” Gabor Maté

When I read this quote, I knew that statement was completely true because I’ve lived my life trading authenticity for attachment. And because of that decision, I lost myself. I became a pleaser and performer so I could connect; so I could be seen; so I could hear, “Great job!”; so I could be noticed; so I could be safe. 

I’m going to let you see how the little girl part of me lived her days. “Look at me. Look at what I did. Aren’t you pleased with me? Did I do a good job? Does this make you happy? If it doesn’t make you happy, then I will try something else to make you happy. I will do what it takes to make you happy because if you aren’t happy, then my life will be miserable. Why can’t you love me? What is wrong with me? I am trying so hard to please you and nothing seems to work!”

That little girl lived every single day trying to attach herself to her parents, especially her dad, so he would notice her in a positive, not negative, way. That was the only way she knew how to live. And, to be perfectly honest, I still struggle with that pattern of living. That pattern of living has affected every relationship I’ve ever had. I will do what I have to do to make things work; even if it means losing myself.

“If a person has learned to please other people (fawning) as a way to navigate an unsafe household, they may not be able to recognize when the way they are genuinely caring for others is beginning to personally harm them.”  Kolber

If you’ve been trading authenticity for attachment, you’re nodding your head in agreement with the fact that we’ve been harming ourselves for a very long time. Our response as a pleaser and performer is our way of responding to trauma. It is the way we attach ourselves to others when we get triggered. We’ve lived this way for so long in order to survive that we need a new way to deal. A healthy way to be. We need to learn a new way to respond instead of killing ourselves to make other people happy.

“But if the body automatically defaults to putting others before ourselves, no matter the cost, the action is rooted in a trauma response and can be harmful.” Kolber

That’s why listening to our bodies is so important. Our younger parts need us to listen to them. They need us to come along side and help them. We need to bring truth into the picture. My younger self gets stuck in making sure everyone else is okay so she can be okay. I have to help her get unstuck because that has been her trauma response to problems since she was a little girl.

If you are struggling in this area, I would like to share what I am doing to heal. (This is tough to share, but I want to help you, if you’ve felt like I have).

I take time to talk to that little girl inside me. (I always have my journal handy to write things down). I close my eyes and I go to her in my mind. I also ask Jesus to be with us so HE can help with HIS words and HIS love. I ask her what I can do to help. 

When I asked her how she was feeling the other day, this was her response to me. She said, “I have deep, sad feelings for not being valued by others, so that is why I kill myself to please them. I just want to be noticed, loved and accepted. I long to be valued for who I am. I’m just a little girl. I’m doing the best I can. Why can’t they see that? Why do they expect me to be perfect all the time? Why isn’t what I do good enough? Why can’t they see how hard I’m trying?”

“We can tell ourselves that we have value, but its a whole different thing to experience a visceral connection as you speak those words, knowing they are true. When we are writing a new story, we will have the best results when the narrative is rooted in an experiential process. The words we speak to ourselves and others always matter because they communicate some degree of truth or intention. However, if they are not grounded in something that feels true in our bodies, they won’t stick.” Kolber

The little girl inside me knew I could relate to her feelings. I knew her words rang true. I wanted to honor what she was saying because her feelings mattered to me because she is a part of me. The only way parts of our bodies will heal is if they are grounded in what we are telling them is true. 

For me and maybe for you, the lie she believed for many years, was the feeling that she wasn’t good enough. Because if she were, she would have been treated so much better than she was. That was the lie that little girl carried.  

So, we have to write new stories with our bodies. A story that rings true and feels true inside us. We have to listen, honor and connect with our bodies. God made our bodies to heal. That’s why body work is so important because that is where our emotions, feelings and trauma live. Our minds can block things out, but our bodies never forget what happened to us.

If we continually look to people to make us feel good about ourselves, we are going to be greatly disappointed. I personally know that doesn’t work. We have to look to our Savior, the One who truly loves us and cares for us. We have to get our identity from Him.

He tells us… We are chosen and dearly loved.Colossians 3:12  We are not alone. Hebrews 13:5 We are safe. 1John 5:18  We are secure. Ephesians 2:20  We are overcoming. 1John 4:4  We are chosen. 1Peter 2:9  And so much more!!!!!

For me, living to please others has been a miserable way to live because they are never pleased. I know how easy it is to let attachment be more important than authenticity. I continually struggle in this area. I’ve been listening and talking a lot to that little girl who fights to believe what God says and what I say is true. She wants her value and worth to ring true inside her. She knows I am here to help and so is her Savior.  She doesn’t want other people to dictate who she is. Her authentic self is who Jesus says she is.

I just have to say this… If you are fighting to overcome anything in your life, you are brave. If you are seeking help from a counselor, you are strong. If you are taking medicine to help you in this difficult time, you are gutsy. If you are reading, studying, learning and seeking a counselor, you are courageous. Now, I have to pause and say those words to myself.

This post is an extremely personal one. That little girl wants to trade in attachment for authenticity. She wants a new story. Jesus and I will fight for her to hear words that ring true in her soul.

As I end this post, I would like to reiterate how important it is for us to support and love one another. Everyone has issues. We need to listen and do what we can to help. Please be careful with the words that come out of your mouth! People are hurting out there and we want to be beacons of light not messengers of darkness.

I am definitely not perfect in this area, but I am really trying to think before I speak. I’ve seen and experienced the damage that words can do to someone. The hateful words my brother heard, and thought about himself, killed him way before he pulled the trigger. I’ve spent my lifetime dealing with the same damage that came from our abusive father.  

Proverbs 12:25 “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.”

Ephesians 5:32 “Be kind a compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Until next time dear friends. This is my journey to joy!

I would also like to recommend reading, “Try Softer” and “Strong Like Water” by Aundi Kolber.