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Sometimes You Need To Write A Letter

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When I woke up yesterday, I knew it was going to be a hard day for me because it would have been my mom’s eighty eighth birthday. I was spending time with the Lord and I felt Him say to me, “Honey, why don’t you write your mom a letter? She loved to write letters and I think it would be very helpful for you to tell her how you feel.” I then asked, “Really Lord? It seems kind of weird to do that, but You know best and You know how much writing helps me get my thoughts and feelings down on paper, so why not?’ I’m not usually this accommodating when He suggests I do something. Then, He said, “After you are finished, I want you to share your letter on your blog.”

Of course, my response this time was completely different. “You want me to do what? This letter is deeply personal to me. I am going to be very uncomfortable doing this. Do I really have to share my letter?” His response to me. “Laurie, there are many people who are struggling with grief out there. Writing letters is one way to help with their grief. You want to be helpful, right?” In a reluctant voice I responded, “Yes, Lord. I want to be helpful.”

I’ve learned through the years that God wants us to be obedient and He does know best, even when I doubt what He is asking me to do. So, here is my letter to my Mom. I pray God uses my words to help you and encourage you in your grief. If God calls you to write a letter, I pray you have the strength to do so.

Dear Mom, 

Yesterday was your birthday. We were able to spend so many birthdays together and for that I am grateful. I started writing this letter, so I could get my feelings out, and tell you how much I miss you. Grief is hard. The waves of emotions ebb and flow like the ocean you loved to visit. I will never forget the many memories of you collecting sea shells with the girls at the beach. I will always cherish those memories. My grief has gotten easier with time, but there is still a void within me because you aren’t here.

I was reading an Instagram post by Jameson Arasi the other day that really spoke to my heart. I know you had a hard time understanding what Instagram and Facebook was, but I want to share with you some of his words on grief because I know how much you loved C.S. Lewis.

“When someone you love dies, it’s not just their absence you feel. It’s something deeper. Something harder to name. In those early months after losing my brother, I came across a quote by C.S. Lewis that has stayed with me. I was drawn to his writing because he didn’t sugarcoat anything. He let his grief spill onto the page exactly as it was. And in trying to understand his own loss, Lewis said something that stops any grieving heart cold. He said that when his friend died, it wasn’t just the loss of his friend that shattered him. It was the part of himself that only his friend could bring out, would never be brought out again.”

After reading his words, I began to realize how much they ring true. There are parts of me that only you could bring out. You brought out the silly side of me that made you laugh. You brought out the side of me that made me feel safe enough to tell you when I was ticked off. You always responded with, “Now, Laurie” and then go into your way to try to calm me down. You saw the sides of me that were struggling and always encouraged me to talk to God, ask for help and direction, and live a life that honored Him. 

Those are parts of me, that only you could bring out. It explains why I just haven’t felt like myself. Arasi says, “It’s a hidden grief. Missing someone and missing yourself.” 

You always had a way of making me feel special. I don’t think anyone else can ever make me feel quite a special as you did. That part of me that you filled is now quiet.

Mom, I just have to say, that you were hand picked by God for me. He knew I needed you to be my mom. We were different in many ways. You were sweet and I’m a bit saltier. You were a little more reserved and people definitely know when I am in a room. You were calm, and I, a bit more chaotic. You were a morning person most of your life and I am a night owl.

Despite our differences, we shared a love for Christ. Both of us loved to study and learn. You wrote music. I write blog posts. We both loved to laugh. You gave me a love for old movies and the classic Hollywood musicals. (I’m just saying right now, Julie Andrews, you are not allowed to die.)

After you passed away, someone told me that parts of you would live on inside of me. I can now see that they were right. You are never completely gone because of the impact you had on my life. I might have some parts that are quieted, but I also have parts that are still very much alive. 

I want to tell you, that I thank God, for the impact you made on my life. He is the spark that lived in you and continues to live in me. Thank you for asking Jesus into your heart. I saw the change in you and then I decided I wanted to ask Him into my heart too. Your decision changed our lives forever, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

I can’t wait to see you again. But, until that happens, I’ll just be here, doing what God calls me to do; seeking Him and His will for my life; and asking Him to love others through me, just like you showed love to everyone you met. I will also continue to write, even when it is really, really hard!

Some days are better than others. I am healing. I am learning. I am growing. I am changing. I am praising God for you! I miss you and I love you very much! Happy Birthday!

Your favorite and only salty daughter,

Laurie

Building A Home Within

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Hello my dear friends! It feels so good to be writing again. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that a new year is beginning. 2024 was definitely a difficult year for me because of the loss of my mother. But, it was also a year that taught me a lot about myself.

I felt a huge void after my mom passed away because my mom made me feel like I was home when I was with her. I think there is something about losing that last parent that makes you feel like an orphan. I felt lost, abandoned and scared. As the months slowly passed, I realized I had to learn to make a home within myself. A home that made more space for God’s presence. A home where I feel safe and happy to be with God. 

“At the innermost heart, at the furthest reach, of our remembering, there is peace. The secret place of the Most High is there. Eden is there, the still waters, the green pastures. Home is there.” Frederick Buccher

What does the word “home” conjure up in your mind? Do you smile when you think of home or do you cringe? Do you want to go home or do you want to run away? Do you feel safe at home or do you feel terror? These are the questions I’ve been asking myself.

Chuck DeGroat writes: “Home is within the ‘still waters’ of God’s love and care.” Psalm 23:2 “It is where we discover God as our refuge, our safe place amid danger.” Psalm 46:1 “Home is being hidden with Christ in God.” Colossians 3:3 “Rooted and grounded in love.” Ephesians 3:17 “We’re not alone here, because the Holy Spirit dwells in us and with us always, even when we’ve strayed far from home.” 1 Corinthians 6:19

From Psalm 42…“My deepest longing is for Home, because it is the only place you’ll find shalom, the wholeness and flourishing for which you were created.”

God created us to flourish, to find shalom, to be whole, and to be at home in our bodies. We can’t find shalom with things outside of ourselves. I’ve spent too many years yearning for people to make me feel safe or help me be whole. It doesn’t work! If I want to flourish, have peace, and be whole, it has to come from within. 

“What could be worse than not being at home in our own house? What hope do we have of finding rest outside of ourselves if we cannot be at ease within? If we don’t cultivate peace at home, we will not find it in alien places.” St.Teresa of Avila

I don’t know if I’ve ever felt at ease within. I’ve lived with constant angst most of my life. Always thinking I could be more or do more. I just couldn’t get settled until I dealt with what was going on with the parts that were inside me. Losing my mom opened my eyes to so many things I needed to see. When we lose a person, a dream, a job, or a hope that we’ve clung to, we have to find a way to reroute. My rerouting has been finding a home within myself by engaging with God daily.

“Many of us thought our emotions and bodies were problems to be solved rather than sources of wisdom to be honored, as King David reveals in Psalm 38.” DeGroat

I hate to admit that I’ve spent years looking at myself as a problem I had to fix. My daily thoughts have been, “If I could just fix my anxiety and trauma, then I might be able to function like a normal human being. I wish I could make my PTSD go away so I wouldn’t be triggered so often. I’m spending a fortune on counseling. I’m reading scripture. I’m journaling. I’m doing everything I know to do to heal. Why, oh why, is it taking so long?”

I didn’t understand the value of the wisdom I was gaining through counseling, reading, praying and writing. I just wanted a quick fix, which most of us do. It’s hard to keep going day after day with so many issues going on inside of us because we are human “beings”, not “doings”, with real feelings. There isn’t a magical wand that takes our pain away. 

“But if David’s words teach us anything, they teach us to be honest. They teach us to name what we are feeling. They teach us to listen. There is no mental work-around to heal our wounds, no training manual to memorize, no verse to claim some miraculous victory that sidesteps real, honest engagement with God and with the stories our bodies are telling. The truth is that we can follow our feelings to God; we can listen to our bodies in order to long more deeply for God’s grace, presence and healing.” DeGroat

I’ve tried talk therapy, which is very helpful. I’ve tried EMDR. I take medication. I’ve prayed scripture. I’ve told myself, “If I just believe, have more faith, or pray more, things will change” because that’s what I heard in church. But, when you look at the therapies I’ve listed, there is something crucial that is missing. It’s the stories our bodies are holding inside of us that haven’t been addressed. It’s the parts that are desperate for us to pay attention to them. And, that my friends, is where the work begins. You are home when you are able to engage with God and with the stories and parts inside of you.

I pray 2025 will be a year that enables us to build a home within ourselves filled with His presence. I pray we will feel peace, joy, grace, safety, joy and forgiveness. I pray we will engage more with our Creator and be honest about what is bothering us. I pray we won’t be shy about asking for His help and guidance. I pray we will take the time to listen and be still. And finally, I pray we will be able to tap into the parts inside of us that have so many stories to tell. I pray we will be able to listen and talk with God about those stories so we can heal and be able to feel at home inside our bodies. May we long for God more and more each day and follow our feelings straight to Him. I’m excited to see what happens inside all of us this year. 

Until next time…This is my journey to joy! 

Grief Unlocks Things We’ve Kept Hidden

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Have you ever been grieving, over someone or something, and all of a sudden you realize there are feelings, emotions and thoughts inside you that you didn’t realize were there? A few weeks ago, I was journaling, pouring my heart out to God, when I heard His voice say to me, “You aren’t exactly thrilled with the way your life has turned out. You aren’t happy with the way I’ve answered your prayers. I would like to show you why.”

When I heard those words, I immediately started crying because I felt so guilty for feeling the way I did. But, I knew He was right because He is always right. To even admit, I wasn’t happy with the way God answered my prayers, was unsettling. But, I also knew He would reveal to me why I was so disappointed. In that moment, my childhood began to unfold before me. 

The first movie I recall watching as a little girl was Cinderella. I didn’t have an evil stepmother or evil stepsisters, but I could relate to the mistreatment she experienced from them. I wasn’t mistreated by my mother, but I was by my father. I grew up yearning for a different reaction from him on a daily basis. Cinderella just wanted to be loved and accepted. She worked tirelessly day after day to survive her life with her family. So did I.

My little self yearned for a day that my Prince Charming would come and rescue me. I didn’t realize what that movie, and others like it, did to me internally. I developed an attitude that if I worked hard enough, did enough, pleased enough, and did everything I could to make everyone happy, I would be rescued from all the bad things that were happening around me. 

So, I sacrificed myself, in so many ways, day after day after day hoping and praying things would be different. What do they say about insanity? It is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. While I was sitting there, pondering my insanity, Jesus brought to my mind a story that I recently discussed with a friend of mine. It is called The Drowning Man. If you don’t know this story, let me share it with you.  

                                                    The Drowning Man

A man was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help. Soon a man in a rowboat came by. The guy in the rowboat shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.”

The man on the roof shouted back, “No, it’s ok. I’m praying to God and He is going to save me.” So the rowboat moved on. 

Then a guy in a motorboat came by. He shouted, “Jump in, I can save you!” The stranded man replied, “No thanks. I’m praying to God and He is going to save me. I have faith.” So the motor boat went on.

Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, “Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.” To this the stranded man again replied, “No thanks. I’m praying to God and He is going to save me. I have faith.” So the helicopter reluctantly flew away. 

Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. He went to Heaven. He finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, “I had faith in you, but you didn’t save me. You let me drown. I don’t understand why!”

To this God replied, “I sent you a rowboat, a motorboat and a helicopter. What more did you expect?” 

A huge, and I mean huge, revelation came to me after I thought about this story. The little girl inside me, who wanted a “Cinderella” outcome, was not happy with the things God sent her. She longed to be swept away by someone. She craved for a different outcome with the ones she loved. She desperately wanted her life to turn out differently. She didn’t want everything to be so hard. She desired an easier way. She yearned for a different response from God and from the people she loved. 

After my revelation, I wrote, “Oh what a moment this is for me! Since, I’ve been a little girl, I’ve been living my life wanting a different response from You. I didn’t see or understand that I’ve been doing this. No wonder I yearn for so much more; for a different outcome; for my life to be different. I’ve been so focused on the way I wanted everything to be. You’ve been handing me the resources to save me and I’ve been waiting for a different response from you. I wanted the fairy godmother response. “Poof! Everything is better!” I wanted miracles. I wanted people to behave themselves and act the way they should. “Why can’t they treat me and others better than they do?” 

I don’t think I can adequately explain what that moment with the Lord did for me. I was finally able to look at that little girl inside me and have so much compassion for her because what she wanted wasn’t bad. Her desires were good. She just wanted an easier way. A way that wasn’t filled with so much heartache. 

I have to admit, I’ve struggled with accepting the different ways He’s chosen to rescue me throughout my life. I just couldn’t see or understand what He was doing in my life because it wasn’t the way I would have chosen. 

I began to journal and say, “Thank you for the resources You’ve sent my way to save me. You’ve given me a relationship with You that I wouldn’t trade for anything. Your way taught me so much more than I could ever imagine. Your way gave me a calling to help others. Your way has given me life changing results, which I would say, are little miracles along the way.”

Maybe some of you can relate to what I am saying. Maybe you haven’t been happy with the way your life has turned out. Maybe you feel grief over lost dreams and desires. Maybe you wanted a different outcome with the people that you love. Maybe you haven’t been able to see the hand of God in your life. 

Would you please take a moment and ask Him to help you see what He is doing in your life? Open your heart up to His will and His desires for you. For me, I’ve had to come to the point of accepting God’s way instead of mine. Sometimes, it is extremely difficult to accept His way  especially when you come from an abusive background. 

I want to share something I recently read by Jackie Hill Perry. “It’s a strange feeling to love someone that’s supposed to love you back and for some reason, they can’t or won’t. I’ve come to terms with the limits of my father’s love. He was human. My father was still a gift to this world and to me and God knew this from the beginning. He knew I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have him and for that, I can smile on days like this.”

There were many, many times I asked God, “Why did you give me a dad like this?” But now I see why. My dad’s abusive words gave me the desire to think before I speak. His alcoholism made me never want to be controlled by alcohol. The way he treated us made me determined to show kindness and patience towards others. He made me work for things I wanted, so he gave me a strong work ethic. He was good at helping others when they needed help, so I’ve always tried to so the same. And most of all, because of his abuse, I was determined to be different. I was determined to follow Jesus. And if my childhood would have been easier, maybe I wouldn’t have wanted a relationship with my Savior. 

I believe we’ve all been the drowning man at some point in our lives. We’ve wanted a different response from God. His response to our cries for help hasn’t always been the answer we’ve yearned for. We keep looking for other ways instead of His ways. I think we have to come to the point where we have to give it all to Him and be okay with His response. Even though I might struggle with His ways, they are better than mine. When I am able to finally step back and see what He has done in my life, I am able to realize the good that has come from some pretty awful situations. 

God can only give good. He is perfect and His ways are perfect, even if we struggle with them. Beauty can come from ashes. Hope can be found even amid despair. Resurrection is possible. God is in the business of birthing life from death. He is our Prince Charming. He does answer our cries for help with something far better than we can imagine. 

“We need to imagination of artists, poets, prophets, writers, musicians, and all those who have the capacity to view life with a more expansive viewpoint.” Kolber  

I know, for a fact, that my tunnel vision has only given me an immense disappointment with God because He didn’t move in my life the way I thought He should move. I couldn’t see what He was doing because I was stubborn, like the drowning man, about the way I should be rescued. My vision has kept me from seeing what He’s done and is doing in my life. 

God has been so gracious to turn the key and open the door, so I could look at the things I’ve kept hidden inside me. I know there will be many more moments ahead of me and I am grateful for the way He continues to work in my life. Yes, it’s hard to see myself sometimes, but it’s also wonderful to help me understand why I react the way I do; why I think the way I do; why I live the way I do.

My journey with grief is definitely helping me understand so much about myself. Even though there are days that are really hard, there are also many days that I feel empowered by what He is showing me because there is always purpose to our pain. Always.

I would like to end this post with a prayer. “Lord, You are holy and perfect. You are constantly watching over us. May Your will be done in our lives. Help us to to look within ourselves and ask the tough questions we need to ask. Give us insight into what we need to learn about ourselves. Help us see the ways You are rescuing us. Help us to come to terms with what we want and exchange our desires for Your desires. May we learn to trust You. May we believe how much You love us and only want what is good for us. Give us eyes to see the beauty that comes from the ashes in our lives. Give us a grateful heart  for what You have done and will continue to do. May You take our pain and turn it into joy.  Amen! “

Until next time dear friends. This is my journey to joy. 

Lessons From Grief

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I’m baaack!!!!! 

It feels really good to say that! The past five months have been an emotional roller coaster for me since my mom passed away. I had no idea how difficult losing my mom was going to be. I thought I would be so relieved for her to be with Jesus. But instead of relief, I’ve felt so much pain and sadness. 

Don’t get me wrong. I am so happy she is with Jesus and no longer suffering with mental and physical ailments. She is home. She is at peace. I picture her sitting at the feet of Jesus listening to His every word. I imagine her clapping her hands praising Him with everything she has within her. 

But, I miss her. I miss her smile; her encouragement; her laughs; her hugs; her words of affirmation; her wisdom; her goofiness; and most of all her presence. I always felt good about myself when I was with her. She had a way of making me feel special. 

Mom and I fought many battles together. My abusive father; my brother’s mental illness; our family dynamics; Mom’s health issues. We both struggled with depression and anxiety. We also wrestled with self-esteem issues. We had a strong bond between us.

We could relate to each other and lift each other up when one of us needed encouragement. She was the best encourager to me and to others. If she were here, she would say I was the best at finding laughter and being goofy. I can hear her saying, “Honey, whenever I am with you, you make me laugh. I need to laugh.” 

Even though I am grieving, and even though I miss her, God is teaching me how to cope and feel my grief, so I don’t get stuck in it. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that most of us don’t value what grief can teach us. We don’t take the time to process all the emotions and feelings that are going on inside of us. What we usually do is “suck it up” and move on. The problem with doing that is the fact that our feelings and emotions will eventually surface. And when that happens, it can be devastating.

I know from personal experience what can happen when you “suck it up!” For forty years, I kept my feelings and emotions buried as far down as I could, but then there came a day when my body said, “NO MORE!” My body was telling me I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing. The panic attacks hit me hard. It was a horrible time in my life, but it was also the best time in may life because I was forced to deal with so many issues that I buried deep inside me.

Grieving also doesn’t always happen because of a death. We can grieve over relationships, jobs, lost dreams, our past, words that were said, injustice, poverty, the world we live in, hate and corruption. A heart can grieve over many things. It’s what we learn from our grief that helps us heal. 

“Our bodies deserve to be witnessed and honored with dignity in our deepest pain.” Kolber  We need to love our bodies, more than ever, when we are going through something traumatic. Our society wants us to move on and get over it much sooner than our bodies are ready to. 

After my mom passed away, I remember saying to the Lord, “Help me grieve. Help me learn and grow through my grieving. I don’t want to shove my feelings down because we know that hasn’t worked for me in the past. I want to face this with You by my side. I want to cry as much as I need to. I want to embrace my feeling and emotions. I want to be aware of what my body needs. Thank you for being by my side and never letting go of me.” 

God made our bodies to be able to process our pain, our trauma, and our emotions and feelings. Our nervous systems are designed to move towards wholeness, but our unresolved pain and trauma can impede our healing. 

After mom passed away in January, I tried to pay attention to how my body was reacting to her death. At first, I experienced extreme fatigue. I cried all the time. My brain was so foggy that I felt like I couldn’t think straight. My reactions were completely normal, but I wasn’t comfortable with the way my body was reacting. I knew if I didn’t allow my body to process my grief, I would make things worse. 

The biggest lesson I am learning is the fact that I must tend to my body. WE MUST!!! And in order to tend, we have to find time to be alone to listen to what is going on inside of us. 

“Our power comes not from the wounds, but the tending. Not from the trauma, but from the way it’s cared for. Love is the building block for true resilience.” Kolber

If you are like me, and had to push and scratch and claw your way through life in order to survive, tending to your body is very difficult to do at first. Showing myself compassion has not been easy. I can get extremely frustrated with my body for reacting the way it does. But what I am realizing is, being frustrated, isn’t going to get me anywhere. My frustration can easily turn into condemnation. My body has been through too much and fought really hard for me to survive and even thrive. I need to love what my body has done for me and not condemn it.

I wasn’t shown unconditional love by my father. I had to perform and please to get attention and love. So, I’ve had a very hard time loving myself. It’s much easier for me to criticize myself than give myself compassion. I’ve been my biggest obstacle. I’m working really hard to change in this area because I realize I have to show myself compassion in order to move forward. 

A second lesson from grief is the fact that our bodies are powerful communicators. If your body is reacting to something in your life, it is trying to tell you to stop and tend to it. Tears are a gift from God because they are one of the best ways for our bodies to release our pain and sorrow. How many times have you heard that tears are a sign of weakness? I beg to differ. They are a sign of power because you are allowing what needs to flow come out of you. 

We need to cry. Jesus wept with grief. (John 11:35) Our emotions are important. Our feelings matter. If I hear somebody else say tears are a sign of weakness, I might just have to slap that person in the face. My father told us growing up that, “Pain doesn’t hurt.” You can imagine how that statement scarred me emotionally because my pain does hurt. My poor body didn’t know how to process pain because of those words.

Another lesson from grief is we can’t logic ourselves out of the way our body reacts. Most of the time, our bodies are responding to something in our past that is triggering us in the present. I can’t tell you how many times my body has gone into fight or flight mode without me knowing what triggered me. I will literally stand there and say to myself, “What in the world is going on? I don’t understand why I am all of a sudden so scared. What happened? Why am I reacting this way again?”

Three months to the day after my mom died, my body went into fight or flight mode in the middle of the night. I woke up in extreme panic. I thought I was dealing with everything pretty well, but my body wasn’t in agreement with me. I found out that when something traumatic happens, sometimes it takes three months for the body to fully react.

My initial reaction to my body was, “Not again! I don’t like feeling this way. I thought I was doing pretty well and now you are making me feel so scared and vulnerable. I am sick and tired of this! I want to be over this! Why can’t you calm down and cooperate with me?”

Was I compassionate with my body? No. Was I frustrated and condemning? Yes. I wasn’t happy with the way it was responding. I have to go to the Lord and find out what needs to happen. I talked to my counselor. I have to use the techniques I’ve learned like grounding, breathing, praying, exercising, raising my hands in the air while I dance, tears and journaling. God gives us all kinds of ways to help us move through our pain. 

Grief isn’t fun. But I am so thankful for what I am learning from it. I am thankful for all the resources God has given me to help me grow and move through my pain. My next post is going to be about the many revelations I’ve learned about myself from my pain. (There have been many “AHA” moments.)

There is purpose in our pain. Our pain teaches us; brings us closer to the One who created us; shows us what needs to be tended to in our lives; gives us compassion for ourselves and also for others. If we allow ourselves to grieve, we can actually find hope in our pain.

Tasha Jun says, “Lament is a womb for hope.” May our pain and grief become a womb for hope in all of us.

Until next time. This is my journey to joy.

One Last Thursday

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Today the tears are flowing because today is Thursday. Every Thursday, I picked my mom up at noon. Then, we would go to lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant. She always ordered a beef burrito and I ordered a chicken quesadilla. My mom loved Mexican food. We would sit across the table from one another, laugh, and talk about so many different things. 

Then, I would drive her to get her hair done. I am going to miss looking over at the passenger seat and not see my cute Momma next to me. My mom loved getting her hair done. It was the highlight of the week for her because she’s been gong to the same hairdresser for 55 years. The women in the beauty shop were family to her and to me. We would laugh, share problems, pray for one another, and solve the world’s issues. We always left happy and refreshed from our time together at the beauty salon. 

The last day we had together was a Thursday. She wasn’t feeling well, but she wanted to have our day together. She was having stomach pain while we were eating lunch, but she wanted to keep moving forward. Even though she was in pain, we made it to the hair dresser. We had to help her get to the wash basin and the chair. But, by golly, we got her hair done!

That was the last Thursday Mom and I were able to get out together. It was the last day I was able to have a conversation with her. It was the last day we were able to have our routine together. I will cherish that one last Thursday forever and I thank God for it!  

The very next day she went into a deep sleep. She could still nod her head at first and respond to questions with a simple “yes” or “no”. I was able to hear her whisper “I love you” one more time. But as the days went by, she became unresponsive. And finally, she took her last breath late in the evening on January 13, 2024. 

She was “Mamacita” “Merle the Pearl” “Mother” “Mom” and so much more to me. She was “Mimi” to her grandchildren and great-grand children and other people who knew her well. I remember someone asking me one time, “What is your mother’s name? I only know her as Mimi?” 

She was always a very loving mother, but when she came to faith in Jesus Christ, her love became supernatural. She had the ability to love me, my family and others well because she allowed Jesus to take over her heart and her life too. Her ability to be able to live that way inspired me to have a relationship with Jesus.

I will never forget being at church camp and deciding I wanted to follow Jesus. The camp  contacted my mom to tell her that I wanted to be baptized. So, she drove to camp to talk to me before the baptism because she wanted to make sure I knew what I was doing. She talked to me about what it meant to live for Jesus and shared scripture with me. At the time, I was frustrated with her because I was twelve, and of course I knew what I was doing. But, she wanted to make sure I understood the decision I was about to make. That’s the kind of mom I had. 

She inspired me to study the Bible because God’s word was so important to her. She woke up every morning to have a quiet time and seeing her do that made me want to do the same. She lived every day giving her life to God and to others. She had a servant’s heart and that made me want to have one too.

I saw her pray and lean on the Lord every single day of her life. If you’ve read any of my posts, you know my home life wasn’t easy. My father was volatile every day. We never knew when he would explode, but my mom prayed for him. She told me we had to pray for him so we would be able to forgive him. 

She almost always had a smile on her face. So many people told us, at the funeral home, that they loved her smile. They loved her disposition. They loved the way she made them feel when they were with her. She had a gift of making people feel special. 

Last year, Mom was telling me she felt useless because she wasn’t able to speak or teach like she used to. She also had trouble writing. Her dementia and Parkinson’s disease put limitations on her abilities to do her normal activities. I told her, “Mom, you still have purpose. You make everyone feel special where you are living. Every time I walk in the door, people tell me how much they love you and are so thankful you live there. They love your smile. They see how kind you are. You show them Jesus every single day. You have purpose.”

She was a witness by just being who she was. She didn’t really need to do anything else. She let Jesus shine through her. That fact speaks volumes to me and I hope it inspires you. This world needs kindness. We need someone to speak kind words. We need people to compliment one another and lift one another up. We need someone to smile and ask how we are doing. We need people to pray for us. We need to love one another. It’s really pretty simple. We don’t have to be famous or make lots of money. We just need to be a servant…be like Jesus.

I will see her again some day. Her body will be renewed and her face will show His glory. I can’t wait for that moment! Until then, I want to carry on by loving others the way she did; helping people in need; finding joy; smiling; living a life that brings honor and glory to my Savior and being kind to the people God puts in my path. I want to follow in my mom and my Savior’s footsteps. 

I know she is free now. I know she is with her Savior. She is rejoicing in heaven. My mind knows the truth, but my heart aches. I miss her. I miss our Thursdays together. I am kind of lost because caring for her was a huge part of my life. But, I know things will get better. Every day I am looking for God to make a way through my grief. I will lean on Him to be my strength and my hope as I process my pain every day.  

“Mom, you left a legacy of faith, love, kindness, joy and goodness. I am so thankful you were my mother. You gave me the greatest gift of all. You showed me what it was like to live for Jesus every single day. I am eternally grateful to you for that! I will see you again. But until that day comes, I have work to do. I love you and I miss you!”

Isaiah 43:19 “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

Until next time my dear friends…