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I have mentioned in the past how much I love movies. It is one of my favorite ways to relax. My daughter Leah and I recently watched the “Harry Potter” series. Last night as we were watching the “Order of the Phoenix,” there were great spiritual truths being given by Severus Snape. He is trying to help Harry to concentrate and focus his mind so that the dark Lord can’t get inside his head. Snape says, “Every memory you have he can use against you. Discipline your mind!” As I am sitting there watching and hearing this, I realize that this is great scriptural wisdom for us. I think our minds can be our biggest enemy. Our thoughts can control us. So, giant #4 is “The Mind.”

I have to tell you that I have had some great spiritual moments with movies. Because I am a visual person, it really helps me understand things better. I think this giant is the one that really gets to me. One of my biggest fears has been that I will lose my mind and go crazy. Watching a sibling struggle with mental illness for years and then take his life over it, has messed with my mind a lot! I have often wondered if I am going to end up the same way. When I am rational, I know that is not going to happen to me, but I have had my moments.

Watching someone you love struggle with mental illness, is not fun! You feel so helpless and there really isn’t a lot you can do. You can love them, support them, get them the help that they need and of course pray for them. I think watching David struggle with severe OCD has deeply affected me. His sickness woke the giant of fear inside me and I have been battling it ever since he committed suicide twenty years ago this month. So, if you will indulge me, I would like to talk about this issue, and hopefully help someone else out there who has struggled with wrong thinking or you love someone who struggles with it. I would like to pay tribute to my brother by enlightening and helping you. He would want that!

One of the first verses that I would like to share is 2 Corinthians 10:5. “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” There is a battle going on in our thought lives. I know first hand that my brother battled it and so do I. I have been in a wrestling match with evil thoughts. And by evil, I mean anything that is against God and His principles. I have realized recently that I have allowed some thoughts to get into my mind that are causing me great anxiety. I get so out of balance sometimes and I just need to stop and renew my mind with God’s word. I need to stop and look at His character. I just need to stop and be with Him and listen to Him.

Priscilla Shirer has a study called the Armor of God which I highly recommend. She states, “Your real enemy—the devil—wants you to ignore the spiritual reality behind the physical one. Because as long as you’re focused on what you can see with your physical eyes, he can continue to run rampant underneath the surface. The more you disregard him, the more damage he is free to do. The enemy may be invisible, but he is not fictional. He is very real, and very persistent, waging war against us constantly.”

Whenever, I get out of sorts and my anxiety kicks into full gear, I get so caught up in the emotional aspects, that I simply can’t think straight. My mind is so full of fear that my knowledge of God and His word goes out the window. Satan knows that. He knows how to get to me. I have to be aware of what he is doing to me and fight back. Sometimes, it takes me awhile to use the armor that God has given me. But, what I want to emphasize to you is the fact that I need to be more aware of what is going on and realize that God is bigger and greater than anything I am facing. I have to immerse myself in His word and take every thought to the feet of Jesus and ask for help.

Priscilla says, “Being a believer doesn’t give you immunity from the assaults of the enemy, but  it does give you access to the power of the Father—His power to defend you as well as reverse what’s been done to you. If you want to win the fight—if you want to join me in flipping the script, pinning down the enemy, and crippling his impact in your life—the key is realizing you’re connected to more spiritual brawn than is coming against you.” Satan has had me doubting that God is bigger than my issues for way too long. Because my abuse started when I was a little girl and my Dad was a lot bigger than me, my view of God was so distorted. Because of what happened to me, it caused me to make God a lot smaller than He truly was. Does that make sense? It has taken me years to realize the spiritual brawn God has. I have to go to scripture and look for the verses that state how strong God is. He is so much bigger than I give Him credit for.

Because my view of God was diminished growing up, I believed lies about myself and about Him. My brain was trained to think that my problems and issues were so much bigger than God could handle. My brain was trained to not ask for help because I thought I was alone in this fight. I believed so many lies that were ingrained in me and I wasn’t aware of most of them. I watched a mentally ill brother become sicker and sicker and frankly it scared the crap out of me! So, add that to all my other issues and I became an emotional wreck. Satan had me where he wanted me. I was completely in a pit.

I have had to work hard at getting out of that pit and I have fallen back into it at times too. There have been days I just want to hide from the world especially when I am weary. I have to remember that I am in a battle and God will give me what I need to fight it. Priscilla has so much wisdom to share when it comes to fighting Satan. She tells us that taking our thoughts captive is a ongoing action. “So we must understand that being successful at this endeavor will be a lifestyle, not a one time event. Taking thoughts captive means controlling them instead of allowing them to control you. It means actively replacing the enemy’s thinking with God’s thinking at every opportunity. Resist the urge to agree with or rehearse the negative thought. Instead replace it—repeatedly, diligently, and verbally—until eventually that brick in our stronghold comes tumbling down.”

It has been twenty years since David died. He died in July of 1997. David struggled so much with his identity in Christ. He wasn’t able to comprehend the great love Christ had for him. He struggled so much in his thought life and it was hard to watch. I am writing on his behalf because I know from first hand experience how Satan can destroy our minds with his lies. l also know that he has been after my mind for as long as I can remember. It has been a battle, but I know that the Lord has given me His word to fight it. I need to rely on His word and stay focused on Him.

Priscilla tells us that there has actually been medical research done on how our toxic thinking can affect our overall well-being and how submitting our thinking patterns to Christ can have an amazing impact. Dr. Caroline Leaf says, “Our thoughts occupy mental real estate. Thoughts are active; they grow and change….Every time you have a thought, it is actively changing your brain and your body—for better or for worse.” This makes complete sense to me. Since my childhood was a war zone, my thought life started off on the wrong foot. I really didn’t realize how toxic it was until David got sick and my panic attacks started. I have to fight for truth in my life with God’s word. It is the only thing I have that will help me and heal me.

Dr. Leaf also says, “When we control our thought life, new neural connections and pathways are visibly and measurably formed in the brain—which affects the health and wellness of our physical bodies. In other words, when we ‘take our thoughts captive,’ we are quite literally renewing and restoring our minds from a state of unhealthiness and deterioration to a state of wholeness and strength in God. Tapping into our spiritual benefits package not only keeps us from falling prey to the enemy’s deception, but also restores previous damage that’s been done. When we apply our spiritual inheritance diligently and proactively, we literally change our minds—renewing and rewiring them through God’s Word.” Oh what a glorious hope this gives me! God’s word is living, active, and sharper than a two-edged sword!

This post is a lot longer than I normally write, but I feel like this is so important in our lives. My poor brain has hope for change! I want to kick Satan’s butt and change the way I think. God’s word is the answer. We have hope because of Him! Thank you God! Now, let’s go get that evil one and kick him out of our lives!!! Until next time……

“Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.” Colossians 3:2-3

This next giant has also been taunting me since I was a little girl. Once again, I didn’t realize it was an issue until later in my life. I spent all of my childhood constantly striving to be noticed by my father. I wanted him to be proud of me, so I did everything I could to get him to recognize me. Grades were a big deal for him, so I tried the best I could to have as many A’s as possible. I joined clubs and teams and strived to be the best so he would notice my accomplishments. That pattern of behavior became the way I lived my life. But, no matter what I did, I still felt rejected. So, I am going to call the next giant “Rejection.”

Louie states in Goliath Must Fall, “Rejection shows up in more ways than we think. This giant has cousins on both sides of the family—and the two sides don’t look anything alike. On one side of the family, the cousins are called insecurity, low self-esteem, low self-worth, inferiority, and even self-hate. On the other side of the family—and it can be surprising to learn these are related—the cousins are called driven to succeed, perfectionism, winning at all costs, and being an overachiever.”

Because I was rejected in many ways by my father, I lived my life trying to please and perform and be perfect. I look back at myself as a little girl and I see that I was desperate to have my father notice me. I remember one time in particular that I looked at my Dad and said, “I am just a little girl.” His expectations of me were way above what any parent should expect from a child. I just wanted him to pay attention to me like any normal child does, so his rejection of me caused some terrible habits that I still fight today. Most of my issues are listed above.

This way of life has been very hard for me to change because it is so ingrained in me. I have fallen into the trap of getting my worth by pleasing others. But, when you are pleasing others instead of the Lord, then it becomes a major issue. I am learning that there is a line that I need to stay away from. I kind of become a maniac and go into hyper-drive trying to make people happy. I can’t stop because I am getting my worth out of performing instead of from the Lord.  It is a vicious cycle and a daily struggle. I know I would be much happier if this giant was dead.

While I was reading Louie’s book, he said some things that made me understand why I am the way I am. I would like to share them with you. “If you’ve been told you’re worthless, then you think low of yourself. And if you’ve been told you’re only valuable when you perform, then you think you’ve got to prove yourself every single time to be accepted. Both methods of coping are signs you’re battling the giant of rejection.”

My Dad didn’t say I was only valuable when I performed, but the only way I got his attention was when I performed. Until I started reading this book, I didn’t realize that most of my issues stemmed from rejection. My Dad’s rejection of me turned me into a person who got her self-worth from trying to please him and others. I have learned that living to please others is dangerous because you can never please everyone and people are not going to give you what the Lord can give you. My worth can’t come from others. And, the world we live in doesn’t help matters either. Our culture is focused on achievement and success, so we feel like we aren’t worth anything unless we measure up to the world’s standard of success.

It has been tremendously difficult to believe that I am loved and I don’t have to perform for that love. Because giants have a history with us, my giant doesn’t want me to believe the truth that I am accepted and loved by God. He wants me to continue to believe that I need to perform for God’s love. Well, I am sick of listening to this giant! God’s word says, “Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close.” Psalm 27:10

If you have the giant of rejection in your life or any other giant for that matter, there is a book written by Neil Anderson called Who I Am In Christ that I recommend for you to read. (I need to read it again.) The very first chapter in Neil’s book says, “I Am Accepted.” It feels so good to say those three words. I am sitting here trying to soak those words into my brain and my heart. I don’t have to do anything to be accepted by God. Romans 15:7 “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” He accepts us because He created us and loves us. We don’t have to do anything to gain that acceptance. He even loves those who don’t choose Him. He just loves because that is who He is. Isn’t that amazing and hard to grasp at the same time? It boggles my brain! (I know it doesn’t take much to do that!) But, really He is truly amazing! He holds us close no matter who rejects us. He is always there for us.

The bottom line is our true net worth is Jesus Christ. Giglio God loved us so much that Jesus had to die for our sins. His life was given for us. Louie reminded me of the story of Jesus getting baptized in the Jordan River. Matthew 3:16-17 “As soon as Jesus was baptized, He went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and He saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove resting on Him. A voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with Him I am well pleased.” The point that Louie makes about this story is the fact that Jesus hadn’t even started his ministry yet. He hadn’t healed anyone or performed any miracles. God was already pleased with Him before He even started. Does that speak to anyone else out there? It sure does to me! The Father was pleased with His Son without Him doing a thing! (Well, He did get baptized and lived a perfect life because He was perfect, but besides these little facts, God accepted Him and loved Him and He wanted the world to know that!) WOW! He is whispering in our ears too!

Haven’t we all yearned to hear words of acceptance and love from others? I know I have. I yearned for years to hear them from my father. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to hear them very often from him. So, I have to start listening more to my heavenly Father and believing His words when He speaks to me instead of that ugly giant! I can’t listen to that giant any more. Whenever he tries to speak to me, I need to tell him to “shut-up!” I need to start living my life from believing that I am loved and accepted by the God of the Universe! That is huge people! (At least it is for me or maybe other performance driven people out there) He loves and accepts us before we do anything! I am in awe! My goal is to tell myself that I am loved and accepted every morning before I do anything.

I am going to end with one more story from Louie. He was asked to speak to the swimmers on the USA swim team before they left for the Olympics in Rio. This is what he said. “I don’t know exactly what you’ve been trained to think just as you stand on the blocks ready for that beep that signals you into your race. Whatever you’ve been taught to think by your coaches, think that.” He glanced at the coach and he nodded and smiled. “But if you have a split second to spare, look down at that block and imagine the word accepted written on it with your name. Hear your heavenly Father saying for all to hear, ‘This one is mine.’ Imagine Him whispering in your ear: ‘I really, really love you. I am already pleased with you!’ Then he added, “Swim your tail off! Not because acceptance is waiting for you at the end of the race—but because you already have it.”

I don’t know about you, but that is how I want to live my life. I need to believe before I do anything, even write this blog, that I am loved and accepted by God. I want to live every single day of my life hearing Him whisper in my ear, “I really, really love you. I am already pleased with you!” Thank you Louie Giglio for sharing that story! It really helped me view acceptance differently. That giant of rejection is going down! Until next time friends……

I think my next giant has been with me since birth. I know that might seem weird to you, but I honestly can’t remember a time in my life that I haven’t been afraid. When you live in an environment that is a war zone day in and day out, it does something to you. It changed my childhood which in turn changed me. If you look at it from a human advantage, I didn’t stand a chance. But, because I have Jesus as my giant slayer, I do stand a chance. I even remember this dark presence chasing after me when I was a little girl. I don’t remember seeing someone except I knew something was chasing me. Now, I am probably creeping you out when I say that, but it did happen to me. I think Satan has been after me every single day since then. He has been after me with a vengeance. This is the very first time I have really ever said that, but it is important for you to know what I have been up against. So, now it is time to name giant #2 “Fear.”

When you are a Christian, you are told over and over again to “fear not.” There are 366 “fear nots” in the Bible. I have to tell you that those “fear nots” have made me feel very guilty. Whenever someone would tell me that I shouldn’t fear, I honestly could have punched them in the face. I couldn’t help my fear. I tried and I tried but I couldn’t shake it and I still struggle with it! Again, look at me saying “try” over and over. I was the one doing the work. I wasn’t trusting Jesus to help me. I wasn’t even sure He could help me because I struggled for so long with it. I lost hope and confidence in me ever changing. I thought I was doomed.

Louie Giglio has a good perspective on fear that I would like to share. “Fear is a giant. One of the most common giants that must fall. Fear can taunt us and harm us. Fear can get a foothold in our lives and begin to dominate us. Fear can demoralize us and ultimately diminish God’s glory in our lives. It never diminishes God’s glory within God himself, because God’s intrinsic worth cannot be changed. But the way we reflect God’s glory gets diminished. The way we show the world who God is and the way we show ourselves who God is—that’s what is lessened.”

When I read the part about allowing my fear to lessen God’s glory, it makes me furious with what I have allowed my giant to do to me. I am ready to kick that giant to the curb. Jesus has done so much to build me up and help me and all that giant has done is try to destroy me. That giant’s head has got to go! It needs to be severed! This giant has been very sneaky with me because I didn’t recognize it for a very long time. I didn’t realize how bad it was until the panic attacks hit when I turned forty. It was like the giant finally appeared and showed his ugly head.

Louie states, “Fear doesn’t always look like fear. Sometimes fear is flat-out terror. But at other times this giant exhibits itself less overtly. It shows up as anxiety or nervousness or worry or stress or dread or tension or stomach problems. Fear chews away at our lives and erodes our sense of confidence and well-being. It robs us of sleep and rest. Fear blinds us and steals our praise.” I think that most of us have had issues with this giant off and on in our lives.

Through the years, I haven’t felt like I have had a lot of people to turn to with my fear. I have felt so guilty about having so many fears. If you struggle with fear like I do, please find someone to talk to about it and ask them to pray for you. And, if you know someone who is struggling in this area, open your arms to them. I know my situation has been extreme and hard for people to really know what to do, but I just need to feel loved and accepted. I need to be prayed for, not judged. I judge myself enough. I don’t need anyone else to judge me. (I’ll get off my soapbox now!) Sorry, for that! It has been really hard sometimes. I know God understands me, but sometimes you just need a hug or someone who is human to sit beside you and tell you everything is going to be okay.

So, how do we tackle this giant? Louie states that we need to sit down and figure out what is causing the fear. For me, I was conditioned to fear because of the environment I was raised in. As a child, every day was extremely volatile, so my foundation was very shaky. I learned to hide all the issues very well and act like everything was okay. I honestly didn’t realize how big this giant was because it was a huge part of me. I have allowed him to taunt me, scare me, hurt me and make me feel like there is no hope. I didn’t realize that he had so much control over me until recently. I have listened to his voice more than God’s voice because I was conditioned that way. I have a long history with this giant, but in Jesus name he needs to go away. That head needs to be severed!

This giant has been very sneaky with me. He has made me have horrible thoughts about myself. He has taunted me and tried to destroy me. He knows how to get to me. The only way for me to fight this giant is to keep Jesus before me at all times. Louie explains, “Our giants can taunt us, but they don’t have ultimate power. Jesus has the ultimate power. Jesus builds up our faith, and faith is the antidote to fear. Faith is saying, “I have confidence in God that He is bigger than this giant.”

I have to be honest and admit that I have struggled with having confidence In God. Because I have been in many scary situations, I have questioned His decisions and His will, but I need to remember that He is my father. He is with me in every situation I face. He is more than able to take care of my issues. He does everything out of love and His plan is perfect. I have to focus on His goodness and His words. His voice has to be the one I listen to and His face has to be the one I seek. I need to keep Him in front of me at all times. I need to surround myself with scripture and focus on His words. Faith in Jesus is what is going to beat this giant of fear. My faith needs to be bigger than fear.

Louie states that David had his eyes fixed on God. His faith never wavered. He focused on God’s power. Psalm 16:8 “I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand I will not be shaken.” I have to keep my eyes on the One who can help me. I need to start each day focusing on Jesus! I don’t know about you, but that can be very hard for me to do. I allow my “to do” list, my problems, my schedule and people distract me from my focus on Jesus. I start out my days focused on Him and then as the day goes by and things happen, my focus changes to what is happening around me. I honestly don’t know how to live like David, but I am going to ask the Holy Spirit to help me. I think I am going to have to carry a bunch of 3×5 cards with me all the time! I need to say scripture out loud as I drive down the road. I need to claim God’s promises to me! So, if you see me driving and talking, I am saying God’s word out loud to Him or I could be just talking to myself. (Haha! I’m just keeping it real.) 

I am going to leave you today with another gem from Louie Giglio. “And this is our invitation from God—to constantly be aware of His presence. To reestablish our focus on Jesus. When we deliberately and purposely focus our attention on Christ, we are reminded that God is able. We know He is always present with us. And we also know He is alway good. The battle is not ours. Our responsibility is to have faith. That’s the antidote. God is able. Jesus is enough. When we set our eyes on Him, we will not be shaken. We will rest secure.”

That is what I want more than anything; to rest secure in my Father’s arms. I haven’t been able to do that very much in my life. I am so ready to relax and trust my giant slayer. I really want this giant to go down! Until next time friends…  

Since I have several giants in my life, I have decided to talk about each one with you. I am going to name them and then ask Jesus to take each one down in my life. If you would like to join me and do the same thing with your giants, please do! I can’t wait to see what the Lord is going to do in our lives. So, here goes. My first giant has been with me as long as I can remember. I am really sick and tired of it being in my life. It has been looming over me way too long and I am ready for it to die!!! I am going to call this giant “Self-sufficiency”.

Every single day of my life I have battled this one. I know it stems from having to take care of and defend myself all the time when I was a child. Louie states in Goliath Must Fall, “We need to understand our dependency on the all-sufficiency of Jesus Christ. Our change is more about trusting and less about trying. We’ve got to make this paradigm shift in our minds. Christ always does the real work. Christ is the real force to change.”

You see it is much easier for me to “try” than to “trust”. Trying involves my own work. Trusting involves the work of someone else. I know I will come through for me, but waiting for someone else to come through for me is a different story. I need to make the shift in my mind that Christ is the One doing the real work and He is the force behind the change. I need to lean on God’s truth. 2 Peter 1:3 “His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.”

The bottom line for me is that I need to trust God and know He will come through for me. David knew who God was. He claimed God’s divine power when he went up against Goliath. He knew that God would give him everything he needed to defeat Goliath. He was ready for battle and he didn’t waver. So, I ask myself these questions, ”Why can’t I be like that? Why do I waver and why do I fear?” I think I finally have an answer to those questions. I am not living in the reality of what God did for me by sending Jesus to die on the cross for my sins. The reality is that Jesus once and for all killed the giant of death that day and killed the giants that enslave me. The reality is that God doesn’t want giants in my life. He wants them gone and He wants to bring me freedom. He isn’t my problem. My thinking is my problem. I still struggle with the concept of a father who is for me and not against me because I lived most of my life with a father who was against me. I keep comparing the two and I have to quit doing that.

Louie mentions that our giant is dead but our giant can still be deadly. “Satan was defeated on the cross. Jesus has won the victory. End of the story. But Satan can still wriggle and squirm and make the hairs on our necks stand up. If we step on Satan’s fangs, he can still poison us and cause some serious harm.” I am allowing what my earthly father did to me to control my thinking. I need to look at Jesus and see Him sling those rocks against my giants. He is the giant slayer for me. I need to ask Him to do the work for me and quit trying to do it on my own. That is why I keep failing. I can’t do it. He is the only One who can.

I wasn’t able to stop my father from hurting me. I kept trying and trying, but I couldn’t stop him. That is why I struggle so much with seeing Jesus stopping my giants. My Dad was dangerous. There were only a few people that saw that in him because he was so charming. Satan uses the fact that I couldn’t stop him and the fear that goes with that, to keep me in bondage. But, I realize that I can’t allow him to do this to me anymore. My Dad is gone. Jesus is my giant slayer and He wants me to be free of the fear and danger that I had with my Dad. He doesn’t want it to have power over me any more. He wants me to trust the work He did on the cross for me. He wants me to trust Him. That part of my life is over and I need to focus on the work God wants to do in me.

So, I need to resist the temptation to fight my battles on my own. I need to submit myself to God. I need to resist the devil so he will flee from me.  James 4:7 I need to fall at the feet of Jesus and ask Him to slay that giant so it will be gone from me. I need to draw closer to God more each day. Giant slaying is up to Jesus, not me. I need to trust Him to do it! I have to tell you that I am worn out trying to fight these giants on my own. I am completely exhausted! Every single day of my life was a battle with my Dad. Louie states, “Jesus invites us to rest, to trust, to depend on Him.” I want rest. I want to trust and I want to depend on Him.

I have this learned behavior inside of me that immediately goes into fight or flight mode. I have been doing it most of my life. That learned behavior must die. I am asking Jesus to help me pause, turn to Him, rest in Him, and trust Him to fight the battle. I simply have to change because my poor body can’t take it anymore. God needs to be huge in my life. The hard part for me is learning a new behavior. Teaching an old dog new tricks is hard! God is the only one who can change me.

So, instead of me looking at that giant looming over me, I need to look at it’s severed head. I need to picture Jesus holding the head of “self-sufficiency”. I hear Him telling me that He has conquered it and it doesn’t have power over me any more. I need to believe Him and trust Him and rest in HIm. I am going to fill my mind with as much scripture as my brain can hold and keep telling myself that Jesus is the God who slays giants. He is my giant slayer and He loves me. I honestly haven’t been able to understand and look at that severed head until now. I just had an “Aha!” moment. I finally get it! (Sometimes it takes me awhile) It’s hard to wrap my brain around the goodness of God.

This next part from Louie is just so good, I have to share it. “Today, Jesus says to us, No, we’re going to finish off that thinking once and for all, and I am going to prove that I am the one true Messiah and that my Father is the one true God. He is just and the Justifier. He’s the One who can save, the only One who can bring your heart to life again. My Father is the only deliverer, the only One who can bring salvation to His people. He’s the Only one who can break the chains. He’s the only one who can open the doors. He’s the only One who can shut down the lies. He is God and there is no other. He is a God of grace, a God of kindness, a God of compassion, a God of love, a God who would sacrifice His own Son for you and me. He is the Lord, and there is no other God.” I am going to put this on a 3×5 card and carry it around with me.

I know that Satan, in the form of my giant, will try to come at me, but I am going to rely on God to fight that battle for me. I am not self-sufficient any more because Jesus is sufficient to fight my giants and kill them for me. He is much better at it than I am. I have failed at fighting all of my life and that’s ok. It is a lesson learned that God is more than able to take care of me, if I will just let Him. Louie says, “When you believe that Jesus is bigger than whatever it is you’re facing, something is going to shift in you.” I am ready for the shift and I can feel it already. I want that for you too. I want freedom for all of us. Thank you for reading this post and joining me in the journey. Giant #2 is next. Until next time…..

I have been going through a season in my life lately that has been extremely difficult. When I started writing this blog I was under the assumption that I would just be sharing my past with you. I read over my journals and started sharing what I felt like God wanted me to share. Then as time went on, I stopped picking up the journals and I started sharing the present with you. To be honest, talking about abuse and all the trauma that comes with it isn’t fun. I would have conversations with God (mainly me talking) over not wanting to talk about it anymore. But He would gently tell me that He wanted to use every part of my life. He wanted to use my struggles, my fears, my worries, my heart and my giants with you. So, that is what I am going to do.

Since I was a little girl, I have had many giants in my life. I am talking about the kind of giants like Goliath in the Bible that David fought. I have tried to be as transparent with you as I possibly can, but God is asking me to step it up a level. Frankly, that scares the crap out of me! He wants that raw honesty that I have been running from most of my life. That pleasing side of me is screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”  But, God is gently saying, “You need to do this.” So, I am not sure exactly what that means, but I am typing and letting Him tell me what to say.

The main goal of my blog has been to help people and bring them closer to Jesus. I hope I have been able to do that. It is hard to share intimate details with people you don’t even know, but that is what the Lord called me to do. Now, I am going to be focusing more on the present and what struggles I am facing and the things God is teaching me. God always puts studies, books and scripture in my life to help me get through each issue I am facing. To be perfectly honest, pain is an issue that I don’t like at all. It scares me. It can be physical or emotional pain; I don’t like it. I don’t want it. I want it to stay away from me. But, we live in a world where there is a lot of pain. God is showing me how to deal with it whether I like it or not. He is showing me that He will give me what I need to face whatever the situation is.

Of course, my past has a lot to do with the way I feel. I feel like I am an odd duck. My upbringing was not very normal and it has caused the instability in my life. It has caused me to fear, be anxious, be depressed, run and hide, put on a mask and please and perform. But, it has made me into who I am. I wish I was this perfect woman of God, but I am not. But, I will tell you that my problems have driven me closer to God. So, my adversity is having the right kind of affect on me.

I am reading a book right now about giants by Louie Giglio. It is called Goliath Must Fall. It is about the story of David and Goliath. Louie’s viewpoint is helping me learn something new about this treasured story in the Bible. The back story about David is the fact that he knew who God was. I learned from Louie that David had been in training before he ever went up against Goliath. His training was physical and spiritual. He had been writing songs about God and learning the history of his people before he met Goliath. And, as a shepherd, he was learning how to protect his sheep. He had to protect them from bears and lions and other vicious animals.  He learned how to handle himself in those situations and gave God the glory. He knew that God was with him and he knew that God gave him the power to defeat his enemies.

David spoke with confidence when he said, “Your servant has killed both the lion and the bear; this uncircumcised Philistine will be like one of them, because he has defied the armies of the living God. The Lord who rescued me from the paw of the lion and the paw of the bear will rescue me from the hand of this Philistine.” 1 Samuel 17:36-37 David had complete confidence in the Lord and I want that too. I desire to have the same confidence in God that he did. I want to have no fear when I face my giants and speak against them.

I started my life as a child who was paralyzed with fear. I was traumatized and terrified by my father. I want to share a sentence with you from Louie’s book that sums up who my father was. “One loud, uncouth man was paralyzing the entire army of God.” Louie was speaking about Goliath, but that is who my father was to me. The mask is off and I am stating that is how I felt as a little girl. I have been paralyzed in my thinking, my emotions and my actions. My Dad was a predator. I was raised by a predator. This is the first time I have ever said that. This is also the first time I have really absorbed that fact. My feelings didn’t matter. My opinions didn’t matter. He did not care. I know some of you are thinking that I shouldn’t say that or think that or that just can’t be true. But, I am being honest and I am telling you that it is true. God wants me to be honest so I am saying it. You need to know the truth. This isn’t easy for me to say and the tears are flowing. But, at the same time this truth brings me peace.

Louie states, “Jesus wants to assure us that he is completely and totally able to take down the giants in our lives. It may look as though the six-fingered, six-toed, furious foaming fearless thing coming at us can’t be beaten. But through the power of Jesus, whatever needs to be overcome can—and will—come down.”

One of my biggest problems has always been trying to attempt to fight my battles on my own. I haven’t drawn upon the power of God because I didn’t have the right kind of confidence in Him. Because I was raised by a predator, I have struggled immensely to have trust and confidence in God. I think that is why I have been drawn to study the Old Testament for the last seventeen years of my life. I needed to see who God is. I needed to find scripture to describe Him to me. David knows how to describe God. If you want to see who God is, just sit down and read the Psalms.

I realize that my story is a bit extreme, but I hope that the Lord can use it in your life. I am just beginning to fight my Goliaths and I can’t wait to see what happens. I know the Lord wants freedom for me and for you. I am going to leave you with some words from Louie Giglio. “We are not David. You are not David. I am not David. Jesus is David! Jesus fights the battles for us. Jesus stared down the face of impossible odds. Jesus takes up his sling. Jesus selects five smooth stones. Jesus takes aim at the giant. The giant falls because of the work of Jesus.”

I love picturing Him doing that for me. I need someone to fight my battles. How about you? Until next time…