This time of year can bring up a plethora of feelings for many people. This might be the first holiday without a loved one. You might have mixed feelings about being with certain family members. You might be dreading the whole holiday season. Or you might be thinking you have no idea what I am talking about. Good for you! Ha Ha

When we are around a lot of people and a lot of noise, trauma survivors can get easily triggered. It might be the noise. It might be what people say. It might be the environment you are in. So, we need to be prepared emotionally for what we might encounter. We need to look up for guidance, for help, and for techniques to help us when we are triggered. 

When I was a child, I became a little girl who was controlled by my father’s words and also the words of others. I became what I needed to be, not what I wanted to be, in order to survive. I allowed words to define me. If someone didn’t approve of what I wanted to do, I wouldn’t do it. I was scared to rock the boat because it was safer for me not to. 

I didn’t realize how much I was controlled by words until I started delving into my emotions and feelings. We hear words every day. Some words are positive and some are negative. Some words give life and others suck the life out of us. Words from others controlled my every move and made me a pleaser and a performer. 

I am now in the process of learning and believing that words are just words. The negative words people say to us don’t have to stay in us. They aren’t a life sentence. We can’t allow the negative to define us or enter our hearts. They are just words. 

One of the hardest battles I’ve faced is believing God’s words to be truer than the words I heard as a child. I have to let those horrible words spoken to me go and give them to God. I am finding when I see myself as God does, and not how others see me, the power of words are losing their power over me.

Because negative words impacted me so much, my eyes simply couldn’t comprehend the goodness of God. When you’ve lived most of your life in survival mode, it’s really hard to look up because you’ve spent all your energy looking around for threats. Your body functions in defense mode and it isn’t able to look up. 

This Christmas, God is giving me a miraculous gift. He is helping me look up and look around. I’m noticing that I am able to see and hear things differently. I am able to see His gifts more readily. I am hearing His voice and I am looking forward to seeing what He is doing with joy and anticipation. For me, this is a miracle.

A miracle doesn’t have to be something huge that everyone sees. It could be something as simple as noticing you are handling circumstances differently than you did a year ago; a month ago; a week ago. You are able to see the good in a situation for the first time. You are able to see God in the littlest of things. When you are able to look up or look around to see God for the first time, that is a miracle!

God gives God in the form of His Son Jesus. His birth fulfills the law and the love God has for us. He sent His one and only Son to give us a visual representation of Himself. And yet, most of us struggle accepting the love He has for us. We wrestle with accepting who He really is. I personally struggled with that kind of love because of the way I was treated as a child. And, maybe you have too. I think the problem is we might internally look at Him the way we look at the people who have hurt us. I know I did. 

I’ve read, studied and struggled along the way and I’ve come to this conclusion. He is not of this world, therefore, we can’t compare Him to a human being. He is perfect and good. He is love. He comes to us because of our failings. He is drawn to the broken hearted. He is never absent and never distant. He runs when He hears us cry. He refuses to give up on us. He holds us and enfolds us. He suffers with us. He gives us everything we need. He makes a way when there seems to be no way. This is who God is.

He is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. He gave us Jesus to save us from our sins so He could be with us forever.  He only speaks truth. He is not able to lie. He is always working in our favor. He is a mystery because there is no one like Him. He is the only One capable to truly take care of us. He knows us better than we know ourselves. He works everything for good in our lives. He is a miracle!

Let that truth seep into your bones. Ask for eyes to see Him for who He truly is. Eyes to see what He is doing in your life. Eyes to see which way to turn. Eyes to see the gifts and miracles happening around you. “We only find out where we are when we find out where He is. We only find ourselves…when we find Him.” Voskamp That is the absolute truth!

I started listing the gifts that God daily gives me several years ago. Yes, there are days that I forget to make my list, but this habit has really helped me be aware of what God is doing in my life. Some days I see more gifts than others. But, when I am able to write my gifts down, my eyes are able to see Him working in my life. And that my friends, is helping me discover what a good God He is. Writing down gifts gives us so much appreciation for what we have and lessens the power of what we don’t have.

I look at the wise men and what they did to follow a star. The wise men were wise because they made their priority, “Follow that star!” And by following that star, they were able to see their Savior. That’s what happens when we look up. When we are able to count gifts.

We have to decide to look up. Look around. Look inside ourselves. Look for Him in everything. When we are able to do that, it is truly a game changer!

A few weeks ago, I thought I was going to lose my mother. My mom has Parkinson’s and dementia. We’ve been watching her health slowly decline this past year. She has given us some scares a couple of times, but the nurse felt that this time was different. Her vitals were not good. I asked if I needed to call my brother to tell him to come and the nurse said, “Yes.” (My brother lives 4 hours away). So, I called my brother, my husband, my children, friends, and family members to give them the news. 

When I got to her room, she was in her bed. Her eyes were closed and she looked like she was in a deep sleep. She could hear my voice because she nodded when she heard me, which meant she wasn’t completely unresponsive. I held her hand and told her how much I loved her. I told her it was okay to go be with Jesus. I was preparing myself for the worst case scenario because of what I was seeing right before my eyes. 

Then I prayed, “Father, You have Mom’s days numbered. You know when You are going to call her home to be with You. I pray for Your will to be done. I would love to have her a little bit longer, but if she needs to go be with You, then help me to handle what lies ahead. I want what is best for her. Your will is good and perfect, so that is what I want for both of us. I love you and I thank you for the days I’ve had with her.”

The nurses, aides, friends and family said their goodbyes. Many tears were shed for the next 24-48 hours. Then, something miraculous started to happen. My mom started opening her eyes more. She began to speak. She wanted something to drink and eat. She wanted to get up and get out of her bed. Everyone was shocked and amazed!! We couldn’t believe what we were seeing! The nurses now call her “Miraculous Merle”! 

No one understands what happened with my Mom. She doesn’t understand and I don’t either. But, I know God’s will happened because that is what we prayed for. 

I’ve been looking for the gifts. I’ve been listening to the Lord. I’ve been dancing with joy over what He is doing in my life. I would still be dancing even if my mother wasn’t here. Do you want to know why? Because His will is good and perfect. He is a good God. I know my mom will be in heaven some day. And that, my friends, gives me a reason to rejoice. She will be reunited with my brother and that makes me smile and gives me so much comfort.

“The miracle of gifts is never not coming.” Voskamp 

When we change the way we see, and the way we hear, we are able to live our lives differently. We are able to be grateful even when our circumstances aren’t good. We are able to trust the One who holds us in the palm of His hands. We are able to have the peace that passes all understanding. 

Am I able to be grateful, trust and have peace all the time? No. I still get scared. I still cry out to God to change my circumstances or change that person. But, what has changed is the confidence I have in Him. “Every little thing is going to be okay because God is working good through every little thing.” Voskamp

I would like to end this post with a revelation God gave me while I was reading, “The Greatest Gift” by Ann Voskamp. I’ve been reading this Christmas devotional every year for the past ten years. Every year I read it, God gives me eyes to see what needs to be seen in my life. 

I was sitting in my chair, reading my devotional, and these words jumped off the pages and entered my heart. “Worry is belief gone wrong. Because you don’t believe that God will get it right.” I immediately started crying because those words revealed to me that I had a deep, dark doubt in my heart that I wasn’t aware of. I was afraid God hadn’t gotten things in my life right and wouldn’t get it right in the future. I know that my doubts came from being an abused child. 

I couldn’t believe I felt that way, but I did. I needed to confess my doubts and get them into the light so Jesus could change my heart and my thinking. I needed to believe that He is always right, even though I might question His ways. Who do I think I am anyway? I am not God. I can’t see like He sees. His ways are not my ways. He is always where I doubt He can be. 

Since I had my revelation, God has been doing a work in me. I am able to see differently and hear differently. I am looking for the gifts and thanking Him every step of the way. I have joy that He will always have me in the palm of His hand no matter what happens. He will provide what I need when I need it. I am looking up and around so I can see Him. 

This Christmas, my prayer for you is to have eyes to see and ears to hear the Lord. That, we will be able to see the gifts all around us. That, we can be grateful and look forward to seeing Him more in our lives. That, we can believe we can never be undone. He is never absent. He intends to turn whatever we are experiencing into a gift and work His good and perfect will in our lives because of His great love for us. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS my dear friends!!!!! May you experience the love and wonder of Jesus!