Most of my life I tried to find satisfaction in what I did, in what I had, in my marriage, in my children and in my accomplishments. I wanted to perform so I could hear people tell me how good I was at something. I had this insatiable desire to please everyone. I spent most of my life desperate for recognition. I wanted to hear “well done”, “good job”, “this is wonderful”. I know this stemmed from me wanting my Dad to recognize me.
I wrote in my journal, “Lord, I have been a starving child most of my life. I can see it so clearly now. I have been yelling for somebody to feed me. I have been putting things in my mouth that haven’t satisfied me. I’ve gone away hungry and yearning for more. I’ve tried to fill my life with ministries, bible studies, relationships, money, material possessions and they have given me temporary satisfaction. I didn’t realize that a relationship with you and knowing you better is the only thing that truly satisfies. I have spent most of my life thinking that doing things was more important than being with you. I had to perform to get my Dad to notice me, so I thought I had to do the same thing for you. But, all you want from me is to take time to be with you, get to know you, learn from you, talk to you and listen to you. My relationship with you is more important to you than me doing for you. I want to be like Mary at your feet listening to every word you say. I want to be the sick woman that touched your garment desperate for healing. I want to be the blind man begging you to have mercy on him. I want to be like Peter who asked you not only to wash his feet but wash all of him. I want to cross over the line I’ve drawn between us for so many years and totally immerse myself in you.”
I have had to learn that the only satisfaction in life is to put God first. When you read the story of Martha and Mary in Luke 10: 38-42, Jesus points out to Martha that it is more important to put Him first on the priority list. I have been a Martha most of my life and it was very hard to become a Mary. Old habits die hard!!! I realized that if I walked into a room and Jesus was sitting at a table and I came over to Him and asked Him what He needed, He would tell me to sit down and spend time with Him so He could talk with me and listen to me. He would want to have a conversation with me. He wouldn’t send me off without talking with me first. It took me a long time to see Him that way!
When I was journaling over this issue, the Lord spoke to me and said, “Sh-h-h! I want everyone to listen. My little girl down there needs me. I have listened to her cry. Oh how she needs me. I will go to her. I will give her what she needs. I will fill her emptiness. I will satisfy her. I am coming little one. It’s my pleasure to be there for you!” After hearing Him speak to me, I realized that He recognizes my voice. He knew who I was and He knew that I needed to hear Him say those things to me.
There are two sentences in God Catchers by Tommy Tenney that says, “I’m not going to let you pass me by, Lord. I thank you for what you have done, but I’m desperate for what you can do.” I was desperate for what the Lord could do in my life and I still am. I want to be at his feet listening to Him tell me things and then if He asks me to do something, I want to go and do what He asks me to do. I have learned that I have to spend time with Him before I go and do anything. Before, if someone asked me to do anything that had to do with ministry, I would say yes just because I thought I had to. I felt condemned if I didn’t. Now I try to wait, go to the Lord and listen to what He is telling me to do. My natural self is to go into action, not to wait and listen, and to be honest, I still struggle in this area. I have to fight the urge to please others instead of Him.
I can’t get this song out of my head. The chorus of the song by the Rolling Stones says, “I can’t get no satisfaction. I can’t get no satisfaction. Cause I try and I try and I try and I try. I can’t get no. I can’t get no.” When we look to things, people, jobs or accomplishments we might be satisfied for a while, but it eventually goes away. But when we look to the Lord, He can satisfy us in ways that the world can never do. He can give us exactly what we need. He wants us to turn to Him and ask Him to satisfy us. Until next time dear friends…..
Psalm 107:9 “For He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things.”