Behind the Door

When I was journaling about my brother David, I pictured myself as a little girl hiding behind a door. I was scared and frightened to open the door to anyone. Jesus was standing on the other side of the door and I was afraid to open the door to Him. I wanted to stay behind the door because it felt safer. I wanted a guarantee that I would be safe if I opened the door. Jesus began talking to me.

Jesus: “Little one, I am here. I will not barge in and grab you. I will patiently wait for you to open the door and ask me in. I have all the time in the world to wait for you. I want you to know that I love you and I will not hurt you. I know you are having trouble believing me over what has happened to you. I want to help you live your life the way I designed you to live it. I won’t pressure you or push you into anything that you aren’t ready for. Would you please open the door and let me in?”

Little Laurie: “Okay Lord, I will open the door, but I am still afraid. I am guarding my heart. I long to be with you, but I still have a need to protect myself. I don’t want anyone to hurt me anymore. I am scared. I know you are good and want to help me. I still struggle with believing you. I am so sorry, but I do. Please help me overcome my feelings. I need to understand who You really are and quit thinking You are mad at me all the time!”

I don’t know if you have ever felt this way in your relationship with God. I accepted Christ in my heart when I was 13 years old and I knew He was living inside of me, but I was so afraid all the time from all the abuse that I had suffered as a child. I was at the stage of life when God was trying to help me see that I needed Him to come in and help me deal with all the things that had happened. I had pretended I was fine up until the panic attacks happened. I actually had never told anyone how bad my home life was. No one knew except my mom, my brothers and my husband. My Dad was revered and admired by many people and we wanted everyone to think he was a great man. I guess it was easier to play the game than admit to how hard it was to live with him.

I was so mad at myself that I struggled with my concept of God. I knew who He was, but in my heart there was still a very frightened little girl. I had pushed her aside as I was growing up. I didn’t want to give her a voice in my life. Well, she was screaming now! She needed to speak and deal with everything and I needed to let her. I didn’t realize how important it was to give her a voice so I could move forward in my life.

I began to pray, “Father, I am a child that needs your help to see you as my loving heavenly father. Please take my hand and help me know you. You are my rock. You are a faithful God who does no wrong. You are upright and just. I need to tell myself the truth about your character over and over again. Help me to be patient with myself and remember the things I need to remember. I expect so much more out of myself than I am sure you do. I think that I should be better than this and I should’t feel this way. Forgive me for trying to push things ahead of your timetable. I want to get better quickly, but I know you have so much for me to learn. It is going to take time to heal, learn and grow. I just want to rush things and be done with this process. You are helping me remember things slowly so I can handle what  happened to me. You know I am fragile as much as I hate to admit it. You don’t expect me to be tough like my Dad expected me to be.”

Max Lucado says, “He stands between us and our need, waiting to help us.” Hebrews 4:16 says, “Let us boldly approach the throne of our gracious God, where we may receive mercy and His grace to find timely help.” Max also says, “Just as it’s my job to make sure my children have what they need, God will make sure you have what you need. From his hand you will receive timely help.” So, God is always on time. He is never late nor does He arrive too soon. If you are struggling with anything in your life, please don’t hesitate to go to him. It might not happen as quickly as you would like, but He will give you the help you need in just the right time. It took years for me to get where I am today. It wasn’t easy and I wanted to quit all the time, but I am so glad I didn’t! I can tell you that God is faithful and He did not give up on me and He will not give up on you!

Until next time fellow sojourners!

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