I began my journey 15 years ago after my 40th birthday. I wasn’t handling turning 40 very well. I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. I mean shaking in my shoes kinda nervous breakdown! That’s when the panic attacks began. I had no idea what was going on. The attacks weren’t bad at first. They would come and go. But then, I had one for 3 straight days and I couldn’t function. I couldn’t leave the house. I couldn’t drive. I was paralyzed with fear. I prayed and prayed all the time. I cried out to God. “What is happening to me? I am so scared! I don’t understand what is going on inside of me. Help me!” So, I went to the doctor and she told me I was experiencing panic attacks. She gave me medication to take to help with the symptoms and sent me home.
It took a few days for the medication to start working, but I began to feel some relief from the symptoms. I began to start functioning like a normal person during the day, but at night the attacks would come back. I was taking my medication and I couldn’t figure out why night time was torture for me. I prayed A LOT and the attacks persisted. This went on for several months. My mother and a dear friend suggested I go talk to a counselor. I resisted at first, but I knew deep down inside that I needed to. I made my appointment and went to my first counseling session. We talked about all kinds of things and she suggested I start journaling. I was taking a Beth Moore study at my church and she suggested to do the same thing in one of her videos. So, I thought if two different people suggested it, then I better do it. I am a first born child and we do as we are told. (Well, at least most of the time) I was desperate to get better and be rid of these panic attacks! So pen in hand and a nice new notebook, I began to journal.
Journaling was awkward at first. I didn’t know what to say. I wrote down what Beth Moore said in our study that day. “If our heart’s desire is the will of God, we will wait for His timing even when the pause is long and uncomfortable. We gain nothing by running ahead of God. Do we truly believe God knows what is best for us? Then we can also believe God knows when is best for us. No one uses timing better than the One who created time. Stay so close that when He finally says “NOW”, He’ll only have to whisper.” My response to that statement was, “Lord, help me stay close to you. I have a tendency to stray and do my own thing without consulting you first. Help me to consult you every day and do what You want me to do.”
I wrote the above in my journal, 14 years ago. It has taken that long for God to prepare me and get me ready to hear the word that I have been scared to hear…”NOW!” I have struggled and wrestled with God over sharing my journey with you. I have come up with all kinds of excuses not to tell my story. But, He is telling me it is time. So, I am taking a deep breath and inviting you to come along with me as I share with you everything He has taught me. The journey has been long and hard but I wouldn’t trade my experience for anything in the world. My prayer is that God will use this blog to help you draw closer to Him. I pray you will see Him in a new light. I want you to see how absolutely wonderful and amazing our creator is. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope. I am living proof of what God can do in someone. I would not be alive today if it weren’t for God. I have learned so much and still have so much to learn. God has been with me every step of the way.
He has taught me so much through counseling, reading books and studying the Bible in many different studies. God opened my eyes to many issues that I buried deep down inside of me. He brought them into the light so I could deal with them. I will be sharing those issues with you and how God helped me deal with them. So, grab a seat and away we go!