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I wrote these words before the corona virus hit. I pray my words will help you in your own journey to trust. 

It feels so go to be able to touch my fingers to the keyboard and write. I have really missed it! I have had a tough time figuring out how to balance taking care of my mom and taking care of myself this winter.

When January came, I saw a lot of people talking about having a word for the year. I automatically knew that my word was going to be “trust”. I chose this word because I have been battling the unspoken issue of “distrust” for most of my life. I have known it, but not spoken about it. Saying the words, “I don’t trust you” out loud seemed so very wrong. And, admitting those feelings to God, was excruciating for me. But, I had to be honest in order to move forward and heal.

I wrote in my journal, “I want to trust you Lord. I frankly don’t like the things that happened in my past. I have had a very hard time dealing with the trauma and the abuse. I see the problem of distrust. I need your help to get over it. I want to absolutely trust you with every fiber of my being. There has been a disconnect with you for too many years. I know I have to be honest with my feelings so I can move forward. So, I am asking that 2020 be the year that my distrust fades away forever.”

Since I wrote those words, I have been on my pursuit of trust. I have been journaling a lot and doing a study called “Trustworthy” by Lysa Terkeurst. When I saw that this study was going to be offered online, I knew this was the study for me.

It makes sense that I would have trust issues. What I saw as a child and how I was treated made the distrust form inside me. Living each day unprotected from abuse fueled it inside me. You can’t undo what you see with your eyes.

My eyes have seen so many things that have been hard for me to process. Why did God allow all of this to happen? Lysa states, “I would imagine you’ve also experienced God allowing something that’s hard for you to process. Some place where you trusted God but then His timing, His protection, or His provision didn’t look at all like you thought it would. You know God is trustworthy, but it doesn’t feel like you can personally trust Him with your situation. And that causes a skepticism you don’t want to be there in your relationship with Him.”

After reading those words, I realized that I was not only battling distrust, but also skepticism in my relationship with God. When I prayed, did I really believe God would come through for me? Did I believe I could trust Him with the outcome of those prayers? 

Lysa goes on to say that pursuing answers to why God allows hard things hasn’t given her the peace she wanted. It hasn’t given me that either. I am an inquisitive person. I like to ask a lot of questions. I am that person that will drive you crazy until I get an answer to my question. I love to investigate and figure things out. I watch the “Masked Singer” with a pad of paper and pen in front of me. I write down the clues and then try to figure out who that person is behind the mask. That’s who I am. It can be a blessing but also a curse to be like this. I have been driven to seek and search truth from the Lord, but I also have had a hard time when I can’t understand—when there isn’t an answer.

“We have to fight the urge to expect our version of God’s good timing, God’s good provision, and God’s good protection to match what we script out for our lives. A big part of learning to rely on a trustworthy God is resetting how we define good.” Terkeurst 

Those words resonated with me. I was looking at God from eyes that had been tainted by seeing so many horrible things instead of first looking at who God truly is. God is good. He is reliant. He never changes. He feels. He loves. “His emotions are always in line with His true, sinless character. His character does not shift with His emotions. God always acts in accordance with what is right and is Himself the final standard of what is right.” Terkeurst

I witnessed an earthy father who shifted his character by his emotions. There were so many double standards. What I saw behind closed doors was very different than what was seen by others. That messed with me more than I realized. So. Many. Lies. No wonder I developed trust issues!

I can feel all sorts of emotions and doubts that are valid, but I need to filter them through God’s truth. I have to reset my mind. I have found that God doesn’t want me to discount my emotions. He wants me to give them to Him so He can show me His truth. It doesn’t bother Him that I am struggling with trusting Him. He is right beside me showing me how to deal with my problems.

When I read this statement by Lysa, it made me realize how much I struggle with control over my life. “But sometimes, out of fear or selfish desires, I pursue solutions of my own making more than waiting on God’s way or God’s timing. I don’t want to call it distrust or disobedience, but that’s exactly what it is for me.” Those words resonated with me so much! I have been pursuing my own solutions most of my life because of my distrust with God.

It makes me cry to admit that I have struggled so long trusting such a wonderful heavenly father. This is not easy for me to admit. But, I know that God has called me to share with you what I am going through in order to help someone else out there. I have felt excruciating pain. Hopelessness. Doubt. Anxiety. Distrust. Anger. Hate. Loneliness. You name it, I have felt it. I have lived it. I also know that I wouldn’t be where I am if I didn’t have a relationship with Christ. He is the reason I exist. He is the reason I am writing to you.

If you are struggling with distrust, I encourage you to be honest and talk to God about it. I know from personal experience that you have to bring your problem into the light before He can help you deal with it. He is very patient and kind. He wants to help us more than we can fathom!

I would also encourage you to buy the study “Trustworthy” by Lysa Terkeurst. This study is opening my eyes to so many wonderful truths about God. It is helping me look at my own distrust and shining a light on how to deal with all my feelings.

I am going to leave you with some verses that mean so much to me. Until next time dear friends….

Romans 8:26-28 “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”

It has been so long since I have had any time to sit down and write. It feels so good to be able to be alone and process the last three months. I feel like a player in a dodgeball game. I have been dodging things that have been hurled at me since Mother’s Day weekend. My life has been crazy since then. I would like to catch you up on what has been happening and what I am learning. 

I was at Purdue for my youngest daughter’s graduation. I was so looking forward to being with her and celebrating with her. We had barely been there a few hours and I got a call that my Mom was having trouble with her vision. She was driving and could barely see where she was going. Thank heavens she was close enough to home and was able to make it there. At that time, she had women staying with her in the evenings, so I was able to get one of the ladies to go get her and take her to the hospital.

After extensive testing, the doctor finally had an answer to the symptoms she had been displaying for over a year. We thought she had dementia, but she was actually having epileptic seizures caused from a stroke she had over a year ago. We didn’t even know she had a stroke! There hadn’t been any physical evidence displayed with the stroke or the seizures. The seizures were causing her to hear things, see things and smell things. We finally had an answer to her issues. The doctor told us that this was fixable. She needed to start on medication to help her with the seizures— but with that diagnosis—no more driving and no more independent living. That was not a pleasant thing to hear for her or for me. Her independence was going to be taken away from her and that was something both of us were dreading.

She spent the next few weeks recovering in a nursing home and then on to assisted living. She really has been a trooper through the whole ordeal. So, I have spent the last three months getting her settled and cleaning out her condo to sell. My brother has been in town as much as he possibly can to help me, but I am the only child in town. Robby and I make decisions together, but I am the day to day person. I am sure there are quite a few of you who can relate to this type of situation. It is hard to watch your parents age and lose their ability to do things that seem so simple but are so hard or impossible for them to do now. It is painful and it is hard.

In the midst of all of this, my middle daughter delivered a beautiful baby girl on May 24th. She came into this world at a whopping 10 pounds 10 ounces. My daughter labored 34 hours. She is a beast! So, I am now a grandma or what I like to be called, “LiLi.” I have to say that I have always heard how great it is to be a grandmother, but I really struggled with it because that meant that I was old. Well, I guess I am, but I didn’t want to be, if you get what I mean.

Rebekah was only home 24 hours and then had to go back into the hospital with an infection. The long labor caused this condition. They didn’t tell us it was sepsis at the time, but that is what she had. (So glad I didn’t know that because my Mom almost died from it a few years ago.) Of course this would happen the same weekend my brother and his family were in town to help me work on moving my Mom. So we were deep in the midst of moving and praying for my daughter to be healed quickly. Rebekah was able to come home after a few scary days. Baby was fine so that was a blessing!

We moved Leah home after graduation weekend, but our other daughter Sarah, who lives in Indianapolis, also needed help moving. There was no way this Momma could help, so my husband and some friends in Indianapolis came to the rescue. In a three week time period, two daughters moved, grandchild was born, one daughter got very sick after delivery and one mother was diagnosed with epileptic seizures and moved into assisted living. WHEW!!!!

I have had some rough times in my life, but this time is in the top 10. I am just now starting to feel like life is getting back to normal. (Whatever that is!) Thank goodness I had the foresight to start back into counseling in January. I knew that I needed help in dealing with my mother and her illness.

It is so hard not to respond and react without processing first and praying. When you have so many emergency moments, it is almost impossible not to go into hyper-drive! In the middle of a crisis, it is hard to remember what is true. What is going to get me through—God and His word are my rock. That is why I so desperately needed to process, pray and spend time with Him. You know how football players take a knee on the field? That is what I needed to do. “Take a knee and pray.”

And speaking of prayer, I need to reach out and ask for people to pray for me and help me. I have never been good at that. It is my stupid pride and also my lack of thinking that someone would want to help me. I mean, who wouldn’t want to help me? Well, maybe there are some, but I would like to think my friends are pretty awesome and would want to help if I would just ask. Two little words that are so hard for me. “Just ask.” Seems so simple doesn’t it? Or if you are like me, not so simple because that would lead me to a possible let down. What if someone says no or blows me off? Why then put myself through that? I am better to do it on my own. It is much safer that way. (Oh brother!) But, sadly that is how I feel most of the time.

Ann Voskamp states my feelings so well.”You can love your life and your people and feel the strange, lingering ache of loneliness in your bones. And if you were crumbling a little bit every-day—who would take the time to come find you and remind you? Who would stop what they’re doing to come see how your heart was beating, how you were being brave to keep being? So many people just trying to get somewhere, to get something done, they don’t really have time for anyone.”

I keep trying and trying to do things in my own power. To fix things for myself and others. And what do I have to show for it? Complete exhaustion. Tears flowing down my face because I can’t keep up. I can’t fix everyone’s problems. I can’t keep my Mom from getting old. I can’t control what happens to her. I have to take a minute— sit back and realize—that I am not supposed to. It isn’t my job. It is God’s.

Maybe I am like I am because I haven’t felt safe very much in my life. I have major trust issues. Maybe that is why I have a hard time reaching out. In my sub-conscious I think, “Can I really tell you how I feel or do I have to pretend that things are okay?” Voskamp expresses, “Maybe these days we’re all just looking for safe places more than ever. Maybe right now, we’re all parched for safe people.” I know I feel that way. How about you?

“Maybe the only way to begin breaking free is to lay open your willing hands and bear witness to the ugly mess of your scars. To trace them slowly and re-member what He says about you, even if you forget. This is about bravely letting our darkness be a canvas for God’s light. This happened so that the glory of God might be shown through even you.” Voskamp

And in all my insecurities, I need to realize that all the trying I have done these past few months, isn’t what matters the most. Because when you try, sometimes you are going to fail. But, that doesn’t matter either. What matters most is that I am loved by the God of the Universe. My insecurities and trying are based out of me not realizing that’s what I am. I am enough for Jesus. I don’t have to try. I am His beloved. I can’t break into abundant living until I realize that fact. Until I believe that I am worthy of that love.

Here is the honest truth. I am afraid of being broken. I am afraid of not being able to fix. I am afraid of my feelings and emotions, Why? Because then I am out of control of my life. And being out of control is scary for me.

But while reaching for God, I am encouraged by Him to fully feel. Voskamp’s words encourage me. “Feelings are meant to be fully felt and then fully surrendered to God. The word emotion comes from the Latin for “movement”—and all feelings are meant to move you toward God.”

Now, as I experience so many thoughts and emotions, I am going to allow them to move me towards God. I don’t want to hide from them any more. I need to explore them and ask God to help me with them. I am going to be honest and allow myself to feel.

Thank you for reading this post. This was a lengthy one! I hope my words are encouraging to you. Until next time……

I am sitting outside looking around at all the beautiful things that Spring brings. The trees blooming. The flowers coming up from the ground. The green grass. New life is everywhere. Then, I think about Jesus. I can’t help myself but think about Him. He is the author of new life because of what He did on that cross. He brings us new life, forgiveness of our sins, a way to live our lives that bring glory to Him. What He did has changed my life and the lives of so many people around the world. We have hope because of Him.

Before His crucifixion, Jesus met with his disciples for the “Last Supper”. “He took the bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.” Luke 22:19 Before He was forsaken. Before He was arrested. Before He lost His life, He sat down with the men—who He had deep relationships with—and broke bread knowing it was their last meal together.

There is so much symbolism here. I close my eyes and try to picture His hands tearing the bread apart. He was showing them that His body was going to be torn apart. Then they drank wine which was the representation of the blood He was going to spill for all mankind. I have read this story a thousand times but the breaking of the bread really speaks to me this year.

Jesus allowed Himself to be broken. He allowed the process and pain of crucifixion for us. He didn’t shield Himself from the things that happened to Him on the way to that cross! No self-preservation for Him. He literally gave His life away. He suffered a horrendous death on that cross for us. Sit there a minute and think about that. He breaks and gives away. WOW!

“Brokenness gives way to abundance.” Voskamp

It isn’t fun to be broken. Suffering is hard and painful. There are things in this world that have broken our hearts. I am learning that it is what I choose to do with my brokenness that matters. I feel abandoned, at times just like Jesus did on that cross, but “suffering is where God gives the most healing intimacy.”Voskamp

I can honestly say that my suffering has brought me an intimacy with Christ that I wouldn’t  have had without it. “There is a strange and aching happiness only the hurting know—for they shall be held.” I know that a “greater life rises from the dark.” Voskamp God can and will work through our dark times.

I have felt like a weirdo most of my life. I always knew I was different. I felt different. Everyone else seemed to be so normal. And then I met Jesus as a young teen and my life got even weirder. I wanted to study my Bible. I wanted to live my life for Christ. I was a teenager who wanted her friends to go to Bible studies and love Jesus. (Talk about weird!) Everyone else wanted to party and have fun. I wanted to evangelize! I didn’t drink and really had no desire to. I was and ever will be a Jesus freak. I knew deep down inside that there was no other way for me. I was completely sold out to Christ.

I am so thankful for all the things that pointed me to Jesus. The people He brought into my life. The friendships I had and still have. He supplied so many things to help me survive my home life. People didn’t talk about abuse like they do now. People didn’t talk about bad things that happened in the home. People didn’t talk about mental illness. You just didn’t feel free to be real. There weren’t many people I could share my feelings with because I was a really great pretender with everyone. I was so broken and didn’t know how bad it was.

My condition makes me think of Isaiah 61:1-3. ”Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted; to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve; to bestow on us a crown of beauty instead of ashes; to supply oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. We will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor. “

I may be wounded. I may be hurting. I may be limping. I may be a weirdo. I may feel alone and overwhelmed. But, I am more than a survivor. I am a thriver. I may bleed. But like Jesus, I will rise. I keep waking up day after day putting one foot in front of the other. I keep looking to Jesus because He promises to draw close to me. He comforts me when I mourn. He supplies all I need.

The Christian life isn’t for sissies! It is hard to stay on the right path. It’s hard to keep your chin up. Most of the time I fail miserably, but I wouldn’t want to be without Christ in my life. I wouldn’t want to miss out on watching Him work in me or in others. I have wrestled with so many things but recently it has been this…”Am I more in love with self-preservation than with Savior-glorification?” Voskamp

Because of my childhood, I had to be in self-preservation mode. Nothing wrong with protecting yourself from someone who is trying to hurt you. But, that mode has continued on in my life and frankly it has interfered with my relationship with God. I wrestle with trust issues to be honest. When you are hurt over and over again it is really hard to trust. But, if I continue with self-preservation, then what am I really saying? I am saying I can’t trust God to take care of me and that isn’t good.

“To thrive, you must surrender to a kind of openness. You must surrender control and trust One who is in control, though you will be taken beyond what you can control and into a kind of brokenness, a brokenness that will hurt and yet be kind. A painful grace. This is being truly alive; surrender unshielded to the unknown—because there is a deeper Love that is knowable. And it is only possible to know the touch of His deeper love when you live without armor, vulnerable, exposed.” Voskamp

So this Easter season I am concentrating on Savior-glorification and asking the Lord to help me step away from self-preservation when it comes to Him and spiritual things. There is no one else in this world that has my best interest at heart more than Jesus. He is my protector. He is my deliverer. He is my my friend who loves me through all my hard times. He comforts me like no one else can.

I grew up thinking I had to be tough to survive. (Which is kind of true.) But, I was also made to feel and be vulnerable to my Savior. When I think about it, do I ever refer to Jesus as being tough? I don’t think so. When I think of Him, I think of love and sacrifice. I think of all that He did for others. I think of Him pouring Himself out for us. He broke for us. He gave His life away for us. And, that is who He is still today.

I yearn to be like Jesus. But, if I am honest, it is so hard because I fight self-preservation. Old habits die hard! I fight believing things can change. That I can change. That my God can raise beauty from the ashes. I know that He has done it before and He is still doing it today. I know but do I believe? That is the question.

So I am throwing myself at my Savior’s feet. I want to believe that He can raise me up from ashes. That is His business and that is what He does. I am going to thank Him for everything that He has done and is going to do even before He does it. I believe being thankful in all things is so important even though we might not feel thankful.

I am so in awe of Jesus and what He did for us. I love Him so much! I pray that you are drawing close to Him this Easter. I pray that you can lay your burdens down at His feet and worship Him for what He did on that cross.

Happy Easter dear friends! He is risen! He lives! Look for the beauty in the ashes! Until next time…..

I have gone through many trials in my life. And I hate to admit that most of the time I felt picked on. I just wanted life to be different. I wanted people or my circumstances to change. Thank goodness, I am finally learning that I can walk through my trials with a different attitude. I would like to share with you what I am learning and applying in my life.

My Mom was recently diagnosed with dementia. She is my fourth family member to be  diagnosed with some form of mental issue. My grandmother and father suffered from this horrible disease. My brother was tortured by Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Watching people in agony from mental disease is not fun! So when I learned about my mom, the reaction I felt inside myself was, “Not again, Lord! I cannot do this again. I am done. I have nothing left in me. Please, take this away!” Typical reaction for me. I felt sorry for myself and what I knew was ahead for me.

I really didn’t know how I was going to cope with another family member with a mental problem. (I have enough of my own!) The agony, torture and pain that comes from a mental illness is overwhelming. But—in the midst of all of my fears and worries—God placed two vital tools to help me. One was, “It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way” by Lysa TerKeurst. Lysa’s book has vital information for anyone who has gone or going through difficult times. Her book is helping me look at trials differently. The other one was seeking out my counselor who I have been seeing off and on for 20 years. She brings so much wisdom and healing into my life.

Of course, scripture is one of the things that I cling to the most. Isaiah 43:18-19 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” That is what God is doing for me. He is making a way in the wilderness. He is supplying me with the tools and the people I need to move through my hard times. He wants me to see what He is doing. He isn’t leaving me alone. He is helping me cope with the stresses of my life.

I have always wanted my life to be different. If I just had a different Dad. If I just had a stable home. If people would just be nice to me. If the abuse would just stop! If my brother would have just been accepted and not rejected. If…if…if… That is how I thought. I thought that changing people or my circumstances would make my life better. I went from one disappointment to another. The cycle was unending. I just wanted comfort. Is that such a bad thing to ask for?

I am learning that life isn’t comfortable and I am not sure that it is supposed to be. (I can’t believe I just said that. I am changing!) Lysa has given me a new way to think about things. “But what if life settling down and all your disappointments going away would be the worst thing that could happen to you?” That’s an interesting thought isn’t it? I think we all tend to think if something horrible would just go away then things would be better. But, sometimes that horrible thing is making us into who we need to be. It is making us stronger and giving us more knowledge to fight our battles. That is how I am finally looking at this new battle with my mom.

“We think we want comfort in the I-don’t-know times of life. But comfort, isn’t a solution to seek; rather it’s a by-product we’ll reap when we stay close to the Lord. What if the comfort and certainties we crave today are a deadly recipe for complacency that will draw our hearts further and further away rom God?” TerKeurst

I really hadn’t thought about seeking comfort in that light before. I thought seeking comfort was a good thing. I had no idea that it could be a bad thing. But, now I realize that my comfort has to come from God and not from my circumstances. His comfort is the absolutely the best comfort I could ever have. (I still want hugs every now and then. There is just something about a good hug that helps me feel better. So, if you know me, give me a hug please!)

I have seen so much harm in my life. But, I need to have a higher perspective that believes God is good. He has a good plan for my life. His plan is to prosper me and give me a future and  hope. My hope has to be in Him. I can’t place my hope on anyone or anything else in my life. Psalm 25:5

Lysa states in her book that there is a difference between news and truth. They aren’t always one and the same. “I have access to a truth that transcends news. The restoration that is impossible with man’s limitations is always possible for a limitless God. Truth is what factors God into the equation.”

When I heard the news of my mother having dementia, it brought back many painful memories and fears I experienced with my brother and my dad. I went into panic mode. I wanted to crawl up in a ball and hide. It took awhile for me to have the right perspective. (If I am honest, I am still a work in progress.) But, because of what I am reading and studying, I am able to handle it better now. I am going to focus on the truth and not the news. “God will be my possible in the midst of what can sometimes feel so impossible.” TerKeurst

“If we have a misunderstanding of God, we will most certainly have a wrong understanding of our circumstances.” TerKeurst I have to choose to trust Him with my mom. I have to give Him my feelings and concerns. He is truly the only One who can help us anyway. Sure there are doctors, diet and medicines, but He is the only hope I have to cling to. And that is how He wants it to be. He has a plan and a purpose for all of this. He can turn destruction into destiny.

God’s truth is so important when we are in the middle of a crisis. I have to read scripture all the time. I have to carry it with me. If I don’t, then I will focus on the crisis instead of the solution. God’s word is the solution for me. His words bring comfort to me. I have to stay focused on it.

“Using God’s truth as your fighting words will not change what you see, but it absolutely will change how you see.” TerKeurst  Can I get an “Amen?”

This has been revolutionary for me! Because I saw so much abuse, destruction, evil, pain, torture, sadness, anger etc. in my life, the notion of “what you see is what you believe” became very real to me. My mind automatically went to a dark place when I saw something bad happen. Like for instance, seeing my mom start having hallucinations, hearing things, hiding things and thinking people were stalking her, at first scared the crap out of me! My mind went to all the dark things in my past. But because of God, scripture, Lysa’s book, and my counselor, I am fighting back with the truth of God’s word. His word isn’t changing what I am seeing, but it is changing how I am seeing the situation. It has taken me a long, long time to get here! Whew! There are still days I blow it, but it is easier to get back on track now.

God’s perspective is so very different than ours. He sees things that we don’t. He knows how it is all going to be used for good. My goal is to trust His plan and ask for His perspective. I want to see things through His eyes, not mine. It’s like He has to be my filter. “My circumstances hadn’t changed, but my certainty in God’s plan being good had. I could see with my own eyes that none of my tears would be wasted.” TerKeurst

So, that is where I am right now. It is hard to see my mom the way she is. It causes great pain inside me to see her mind play tricks on her. I have to pray like crazy when I am around her. I have to focus on the certainty that He has a plan for all of this. He never promised us life would be easy, but He promises us He will be here right by our sides to help us. Let us have eyes to see Him!

Until next time dear friends……

Jeremiah 32:27 “I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is there anything too hard for me?”

*Please pray that I will continue to fight with God’s truth. That His words would continue to change how I see and not what I see. Thank you!

I just get so sick and tired sometimes. Maybe it is all the dreary and cloudy days in Winter. Maybe it is all the trials and tribulations that just won’t go away. Maybe it is all the frustrations I have with God not moving quickly enough in my life. Maybe it is a combination of all of the above. I just want to explode sometimes!

God always shows up when I am like this. This morning I was asking Him, “Can I just be done with working on myself?” And I got a very gentle answer. “You aren’t just working on yourself. You are growing closer to me. You are finding more of me. And isn’t that what you said you wanted for 2019?”

OUCH! I needed to be reminded of that fact. And God is always right. (Of course He is!) That is exactly what I said I wanted. Isn’t it funny how most of us ask for things and then when we get them we think, “That’s not exactly what I thought I wanted.” And the process getting what we think we want isn’t always what we thought it would be either. It’s all very confusing. Even my wording is confusing, but I think you get what I mean.

Life is just hard and suffering is a part of life. So instead of moaning and wishing things were different—which is my usual way—I want to learn to suffer well. If you are going to do something—do it well, right? It does sound kind of weird to say, “I want to learn to suffer well.” But, that is what I want to do. 

I just read a quote today on Instagram. “Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought life would be like and learn to find joy in the story you’re living.” Now, I don’t know about you, but there are many days the story I am living frankly sucks! (Sorry if I offended anyone, but I couldn’t think of a better word.)  But, I agree with the saying. I believe one of the keys to surviving life is to look for the little things that happen every day that bring me a little bit of joy and sometimes I am really reaching to find it.

That is why I keep a gratitude journal. I know I have mentioned this before, but the practice of doing this really helps! I try to write down at least three things every day that I am thankful for or ways I have seen God work. Some days it is hard to find three. Other days there are many more. If you need some help getting started, here are a few things from my journal: Sunshine, great counseling session, a weekend at Purdue to see my daughter, safe travels, time to sit and be with Jesus, a chance to read, writing my blog… You get the idea. And yesterday I was grateful for new bras. It’s the little things in life that bring joy. (Too much information?)

I know that sometimes it is hard to find the good—but it is there—usually buried underneath my refusal to see it. Oh I hate to admit that I can be a bit stubborn. Thank goodness God is faithful and patient because He knows my heart and He knows how much I want to see Him in my life.

Right now, I am in the middle of reading, “It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way” by Lysa Terkeurst.  I am constantly looking for books, scripture and Bible studies that can help me get through my suffering. I highly recommend this book to anyone out there that needs help. 

Here’s the thing I have been learning that last 20 years of my life. All of us have to go through a process to get to where we need to be. That process isn’t always fun and sometimes it really hurts. Lysa states, “God has to take me through the process of getting unstuck from what’s been holding me captive before I can take a stand.” I have had many things hold me captive in my life. I have had to dig deep to find them and I am still finding more. But in the process, I have found so much truth and have grown so much closer to Jesus. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. He wants to get me to where I need to be and to be honest— that is what I want too.

“The suffering will end. He will restore us. There’s a reason for this. He will strengthen us. He will make us strong in the midst of our feeling weak. And there’s a perfecting of us that’s happening in the process. When we think the process of long-suffering is unbearable, we must remember it would be deadly for God to put us up on that solid rock before we are strong, firm, and steadfast. And it would be cruel for Him to require us to sing before we have a song.” Terkeurst

Those words comfort me. God is making a way in the desert for me. He is perfecting me and making me strong, firm and steadfast. (Even though there are many days I don’t feel that way at all!) I can’t go by my feelings because they are constantly up and down. Thank goodness God is steadfast, strong and firm. He is the only one who can make any of us that way. I know when I think of myself—those three words don’t even enter my mind. But, that is what I long to be. I long to be like my heavenly Father—strong, steadfast and firm.

I have shed so many tears in my lifetime over what has happened to me and to those I love. I have seen so many awful things happen in my family. I have heard terrible words said to me and to those I love. I have seen torment and pain in the eyes of myself and other family members. But, when look at what He has done in me–and continues to do–I know that He is using this process to restore me.

“We just have to make the choice to see Him and rightly attribute to Him the good that does exist. I truly believe what keeps us on the path of longsuffering instead of veering off in the dangerous direction of wallowing is to walk up with great expectation of these little reminders of God’s goodness.” Terkeurst (That’s why the gratitude journal is so important!)

You see a picture of me at the beginning of the post covered in paint and dust. I look like that every day when I am working. I know that God is taking the dirt and dust of my life and making it into something beautiful. I remember when I was a little girl, we used to take the dirt in the ground and make mud pies out of it. We would pretend they were something special to eat. I think I even ate a few. (Who says dirt isn’t good for you?)

Well, I like to think of God making mud pies out of the dirt in my life. I can just see Him forming them with His powerful hands smiling and laughing like I did when I was a little girl. I just need to remember to pause and look for Him every single second of every single day so I don’t miss out on what He is doing.

I am going to leave you with some encouraging words by Lysa. “But the compassionate soul who has hurt deeply and come out loving? Yes, she is one of the superstars of God’s grand story, and the one you want near you in the battles of life. She wears well the scars of suffering and can’t wait to tell you her survival story so you, too, can survive. She has great compassion toward every created thing, whether it be covered in paint or flesh or dust.”

Hang in there dear friends! God is working! Until next time….