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What a journey that last three months has been! It is so good to be writing again. I don’t know about you, but this pandemic has caused so much fear and anxiety to rage inside me. And, then came anger and distrust. The government was controlling our lives and frankly that scared the crap out of me! I saw people panicking and that made me panic. I saw my poor mother, who is in assisted living, be locked away from us and that added fuel to the fire. Chaos everywhere.

I cried out to the Lord a lot and still do! I was going to trust even though I didn’t feel like it. The chaos around me triggered memories from the chaos I lived in as a child. It made me feel hopeless and helpless. I sat in my chair almost every day and journaled and asked the Lord to help me and speak to me.

Jesus met me, in my chair, every single day. He spoke words of encouragement and pointed me to books and scripture to get me through each day. He brought sanity to my insanity. He brought peace and calm to my soul. He reminded me that He was in control even though the world was out of control. He gave me truth to live each day. I don’t know if you experienced what I did, but I would like to share with you some of the things that helped me get through each day.

One of the books that I read during this time was “Dangerous Prayers” by Craig Groeschel. In this book, Craig refers to a prayer that David prayed in Psalm 139:23-24.

                                “Search me, God, and know my heart;

                                      test me and know my anxious thoughts.

                                 See if there is any offensive way in me,

                                     and lead me in the way everlasting.”

“David asked God to know his anxious thoughts. He wanted to share his worst fears with God. To face them and give them a name. To trust that God was bigger than any fear David could dream up.” Groeschel

I have always struggled with telling God how I really feel. I beat myself up and think I should be stronger than I am or I should feel differently than I do. Maybe you can relate. This is what goes through my head. “Here she comes again with the same issues. When is she finally going to get over this. I’ve told her over and over again the way it is, but she doesn’t seem to get it.” I actually feel embarrassed sometimes to come to God with the same issues. When I write that out, I know God doesn’t operate that way. I know He is waiting for me to ask Him for help and actually wants to help me. This is where the trust issue comes up. I must trust God with my fears and the fact that He is bigger than any fear that I have.

Groeschel says, “What we fear matters. Lord, reveal what holds my mind hostage. Show me what I fear the most. Go ahead, help me face what terrifies me.” It was so comforting to be reminded that my fear matters to the Lord. After I read that, I wrote down what was terrifying me the most during the pandemic. Then, I also added some other things that I was battling. It really helped me to name the issues and then give them to the Lord. Then, I prayed Psalm 139:23-24.

I am not a big fan of pain. I. Don’t. Like. It. In my opinion, I have experienced enough. But, pain has a way of teaching me and growing me. I wish there was a different way, but unfortunately there isn’t. A.W. Tozer says, “It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply.” UGH! “Help me Lord!” We have to be broken sometimes in order to change and learn. “Live daily for Him, broken and poured out.” Groeschel

I know that true joy comes from living for Jesus, every single day, broken and poured out. That has been a real struggle for this abused kid. My natural tendency is to protect myself and look out for myself. I have to remind myself all the time that I am not living for me. I am living for the One who created me. I have to fight to live this way, especially now, when the world is in chaos. I have someone who can protect me far better than I can myself. I have to “walk by faith and not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:7. He is a shield around me. He is my fortress and my strength. A very present help in times of trouble. “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23

I can so easily allow the actions of people around me to dictate my feelings. And because of that problem, I have gotten pretty discouraged the past three months. I realized that what my mind is at war. There is a battle between my feelings and the truth that comes from God’s word. I had to have laser focus on God and His truth in my life. I must trust the Lord’s presence and HIs timing. God has a far greater plan than I can ever imagine. I have to wait and watch for Him to act, to speak, to teach and to lead me.

Kelly Minter teaches, “In your waiting, tell the Lord you trust His timing and believe in His power to achieve your heart’s desire. Surrender your agenda to Him. Where I lack faith, pray Mark 9:24. “I do believe; help my unbelief.”  After I prayed that verse, I began to list what my heart’s desires were. I prayed to trust His timing and to believe that He will achieve those desires in my life.

I got a mental picture of God as a coach. I pictured Him holding a clip board with all His plays for my life written on several pieces of paper. He was looking at me and pointing at the plays He had for me. I couldn’t see anything specific, but I could see that He was tactically thinking of what was ahead for me and that He was right there with me—coaching me to victory. What a wonderful way to picture Him!

It wasn’t a coincidence that I saw Him that way because my Dad was a football coach. He spent hours planning and watching films in order to lead his players to beat the opposing teams. He would cheer his players on and give them the plays that they needed to win. Of course, they didn’t always win, but he was still there trying to help them achieve victory! And that is exactly what God is doing in my life and in yours.

I am sure many of you feel like we are at war. Well friends, we are. There are so many battles raging right now. I am on my knees praying for our country and praying for every single person on the planet. I am praying for a revival in God’s people. I am praying for many to turn to Christ and learn from Him. That all of us would love like He did and lead like He did. He is the best example of how we are to live. I pray that we are listening to our heavenly coach and asking Him what He wants each one of us to do in His name.

I believe He is asking me to write. He is asking me to share my struggles with you. He is asking me to be vulnerable. (Who doesn’t love to do that?) He also wants me to share what I am learning. And even though I get really scared, I want to raise my hand and say, “Put me in coach! Show me what you want me to do and what you want me to say. No matter what happens, I want to proclaim your name, your truth and bring you glory!”

I am going to leave you with a verse that is very appropriate for this time in our lives. May we all remember to act like Jesus did with every single person we encounter each day. (Especially the difficult ones!)  

Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you.”

Until next time…

I don’t know about you, but every day I am battling my nerves. The news just adds fuel to the fire. I find it hard to trust, so I digress to distrust and anxiety because I am not comfortable with not being in control. The world is going crazy and for good reason, but I don’t want to react that way. I want to trust God and His promises.

I know too well that fear can take over my life, so, I have to fight it from happening. I don’t want fear to captivate my heart because that leads to doubting God. And frankly, at a time like this, I don’t want to doubt Him. He is the only constant thing that all of us have in our lives.

No one speaks to me more than me. I hear the words that are playing in my head that no one else hears. I can say terrible things to myself and no one else knows it. So, I have to fight that by remembering what scripture says about who I am and how I am supposed to live my life.

Psalm 112:7 “He is not afraid of bad news, his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord.” That is my goal. I am not where I want to be, but I am plugging along every day. I don’t want to be afraid of bad news. I want to have a heart that is firm and trusts in the Lord and I am determined to get there! 

I decided to look up what determination means. de-ter-mi-na-tion – 1. firmness of purpose; resoluteness. “he advanced with an unflinching determination”  I want to be the person who advances with an unflinching determination in trusting God. I am praying for that!

In the “Trustworthy” study by Lysa Terkeurst, she says, “We can rest assured that just the taking in of God’s word for ourselves will nourish deep places. God created our minds for logical comprehension and spiritual discernment through the power of the Holy Spirit. Our souls were designed by God to receive and be nourished by the truth of God.”

I have to say that God’s word has nourished deep places inside me. But I still have my struggles. If you have read any of my past blog posts, you know that I grew up with a very abusive father. He instilled a horrible fear and lack of trust deep within me. What I saw and the pain I experienced, are still there to some degree. Certain things can trigger me. I might be fine one minute, and then out of nowhere, I hear or see something and my heart starts racing. My counselor told me a long time ago that the body never forgets what it has seen. So, I have to fight back with lots of truth. There have been many times I have been brought to my knees and  I just say, “Jesus” over and over and over again until the fear goes away.

If you come from an abusive home, you know how hard it is to trust. I am going to give you a little bit of insight into my life by sharing a part of my journal with you. My prayer is that God will use this to help someone else out there who struggles like I do. Here goes.

“It’s so hard to be a kid and watch someone you love be mean to you and say hateful things. My eyes see hurt and dysfunction. So much pain. Both parents are living their lives so differently. One is trying to follow the Lord while the other is following his selfish desires. Both are living life at different extremes. I watch a brother who is different. I know something is off with him, but don’t know what to do. Both of us are watching the same things. No stability, only chaos. I find Jesus. He is my way out. But, my eyes still have to see. Two lives are affected and now there are three. We have our home life and then we have our lives outside of it. It’s the outside life that saves me. My friends, my church, Young Life, Bible studies and my relationship with God save me. So many tears. These eyes have witnessed horrible things. The pain is real. I have to be real with my feelings. Being a child of alcoholism, abuse and deviant behavior is hard. It matters what we see. You can’t erase the images. My mind is affected. One of my biggest struggles is getting my mind to absorb truth because it contradicts what I have seen.

Trusting is involved here. God, as a Father, is completely different that what I experienced with my Dad. It’s hard to believe and trust that. When I look and see what God has done and who He is helps me and calms me. I have to take my eyes off the past and look to my future with God. 20 years of journaling, searching and studying God’s word have paid off. I can’t undo what I have seen, but I can choose to focus on God and His truth. I can choose to believe and trust His ways. I picture Jesus smiling at me. He is loving, kind and gentle. He is helping me overcome my feelings and what I have seen. He is the Dad I never had. I am learning to trust God to be there for me. I still struggle, but I am moving forward in faith.”

I don’t know if any of this resonates with you. If you are struggling with what has happened or what is happening in your life, I have to tell you that God’s word is the best thing you can turn to. I also recommend a very good counselor; someone who points you to the truth in God’s word.

Listen, I want you to know that I am preaching to myself as I write to you. Having unwavering trust is very hard. I pause when I read a verse like this, “But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3 I pause because I wasn’t protected. But, recently I realized that I have been protected from so many other things. The day I said “Yes” to following Christ, I became His child. I will live my forever with Him. He has protected me from going to hell. He has given me strength when I have needed it. I have survived mental illness because of HIm. He gives me purpose. He has protected me from accidents and health issues. I am still here and that in itself is a miracle.

I know our lives are very uncertain right now. Many of us have more time on our hands than usual. I would like to encourage you to read your Bible. Turn the news off and focus on Him. He is in control; not this virus. It’s so easy to hit the panic button. I know how to hit that button better than anyone. But, I am trying to turn to Him instead. I am going to leave you with some verses that I carry with me. I would like to encourage you to write them down and carry them with you when you start to fear. I love you dear friends. We are going to be stronger than we were before because of Him! Until next time…..

Psalm 34:4 “I sought the Lord and He delivered me; He delivered me from my fears.”

Psalm 130:5 “With all my heart I am waiting, Lord, for you! I trust your promises!”

Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

I wrote these words before the corona virus hit. I pray my words will help you in your own journey to trust. 

It feels so go to be able to touch my fingers to the keyboard and write. I have really missed it! I have had a tough time figuring out how to balance taking care of my mom and taking care of myself this winter.

When January came, I saw a lot of people talking about having a word for the year. I automatically knew that my word was going to be “trust”. I chose this word because I have been battling the unspoken issue of “distrust” for most of my life. I have known it, but not spoken about it. Saying the words, “I don’t trust you” out loud seemed so very wrong. And, admitting those feelings to God, was excruciating for me. But, I had to be honest in order to move forward and heal.

I wrote in my journal, “I want to trust you Lord. I frankly don’t like the things that happened in my past. I have had a very hard time dealing with the trauma and the abuse. I see the problem of distrust. I need your help to get over it. I want to absolutely trust you with every fiber of my being. There has been a disconnect with you for too many years. I know I have to be honest with my feelings so I can move forward. So, I am asking that 2020 be the year that my distrust fades away forever.”

Since I wrote those words, I have been on my pursuit of trust. I have been journaling a lot and doing a study called “Trustworthy” by Lysa Terkeurst. When I saw that this study was going to be offered online, I knew this was the study for me.

It makes sense that I would have trust issues. What I saw as a child and how I was treated made the distrust form inside me. Living each day unprotected from abuse fueled it inside me. You can’t undo what you see with your eyes.

My eyes have seen so many things that have been hard for me to process. Why did God allow all of this to happen? Lysa states, “I would imagine you’ve also experienced God allowing something that’s hard for you to process. Some place where you trusted God but then His timing, His protection, or His provision didn’t look at all like you thought it would. You know God is trustworthy, but it doesn’t feel like you can personally trust Him with your situation. And that causes a skepticism you don’t want to be there in your relationship with Him.”

After reading those words, I realized that I was not only battling distrust, but also skepticism in my relationship with God. When I prayed, did I really believe God would come through for me? Did I believe I could trust Him with the outcome of those prayers? 

Lysa goes on to say that pursuing answers to why God allows hard things hasn’t given her the peace she wanted. It hasn’t given me that either. I am an inquisitive person. I like to ask a lot of questions. I am that person that will drive you crazy until I get an answer to my question. I love to investigate and figure things out. I watch the “Masked Singer” with a pad of paper and pen in front of me. I write down the clues and then try to figure out who that person is behind the mask. That’s who I am. It can be a blessing but also a curse to be like this. I have been driven to seek and search truth from the Lord, but I also have had a hard time when I can’t understand—when there isn’t an answer.

“We have to fight the urge to expect our version of God’s good timing, God’s good provision, and God’s good protection to match what we script out for our lives. A big part of learning to rely on a trustworthy God is resetting how we define good.” Terkeurst 

Those words resonated with me. I was looking at God from eyes that had been tainted by seeing so many horrible things instead of first looking at who God truly is. God is good. He is reliant. He never changes. He feels. He loves. “His emotions are always in line with His true, sinless character. His character does not shift with His emotions. God always acts in accordance with what is right and is Himself the final standard of what is right.” Terkeurst

I witnessed an earthy father who shifted his character by his emotions. There were so many double standards. What I saw behind closed doors was very different than what was seen by others. That messed with me more than I realized. So. Many. Lies. No wonder I developed trust issues!

I can feel all sorts of emotions and doubts that are valid, but I need to filter them through God’s truth. I have to reset my mind. I have found that God doesn’t want me to discount my emotions. He wants me to give them to Him so He can show me His truth. It doesn’t bother Him that I am struggling with trusting Him. He is right beside me showing me how to deal with my problems.

When I read this statement by Lysa, it made me realize how much I struggle with control over my life. “But sometimes, out of fear or selfish desires, I pursue solutions of my own making more than waiting on God’s way or God’s timing. I don’t want to call it distrust or disobedience, but that’s exactly what it is for me.” Those words resonated with me so much! I have been pursuing my own solutions most of my life because of my distrust with God.

It makes me cry to admit that I have struggled so long trusting such a wonderful heavenly father. This is not easy for me to admit. But, I know that God has called me to share with you what I am going through in order to help someone else out there. I have felt excruciating pain. Hopelessness. Doubt. Anxiety. Distrust. Anger. Hate. Loneliness. You name it, I have felt it. I have lived it. I also know that I wouldn’t be where I am if I didn’t have a relationship with Christ. He is the reason I exist. He is the reason I am writing to you.

If you are struggling with distrust, I encourage you to be honest and talk to God about it. I know from personal experience that you have to bring your problem into the light before He can help you deal with it. He is very patient and kind. He wants to help us more than we can fathom!

I would also encourage you to buy the study “Trustworthy” by Lysa Terkeurst. This study is opening my eyes to so many wonderful truths about God. It is helping me look at my own distrust and shining a light on how to deal with all my feelings.

I am going to leave you with some verses that mean so much to me. Until next time dear friends….

Romans 8:26-28 “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”

It has been so long since I have had any time to sit down and write. It feels so good to be able to be alone and process the last three months. I feel like a player in a dodgeball game. I have been dodging things that have been hurled at me since Mother’s Day weekend. My life has been crazy since then. I would like to catch you up on what has been happening and what I am learning. 

I was at Purdue for my youngest daughter’s graduation. I was so looking forward to being with her and celebrating with her. We had barely been there a few hours and I got a call that my Mom was having trouble with her vision. She was driving and could barely see where she was going. Thank heavens she was close enough to home and was able to make it there. At that time, she had women staying with her in the evenings, so I was able to get one of the ladies to go get her and take her to the hospital.

After extensive testing, the doctor finally had an answer to the symptoms she had been displaying for over a year. We thought she had dementia, but she was actually having epileptic seizures caused from a stroke she had over a year ago. We didn’t even know she had a stroke! There hadn’t been any physical evidence displayed with the stroke or the seizures. The seizures were causing her to hear things, see things and smell things. We finally had an answer to her issues. The doctor told us that this was fixable. She needed to start on medication to help her with the seizures— but with that diagnosis—no more driving and no more independent living. That was not a pleasant thing to hear for her or for me. Her independence was going to be taken away from her and that was something both of us were dreading.

She spent the next few weeks recovering in a nursing home and then on to assisted living. She really has been a trooper through the whole ordeal. So, I have spent the last three months getting her settled and cleaning out her condo to sell. My brother has been in town as much as he possibly can to help me, but I am the only child in town. Robby and I make decisions together, but I am the day to day person. I am sure there are quite a few of you who can relate to this type of situation. It is hard to watch your parents age and lose their ability to do things that seem so simple but are so hard or impossible for them to do now. It is painful and it is hard.

In the midst of all of this, my middle daughter delivered a beautiful baby girl on May 24th. She came into this world at a whopping 10 pounds 10 ounces. My daughter labored 34 hours. She is a beast! So, I am now a grandma or what I like to be called, “LiLi.” I have to say that I have always heard how great it is to be a grandmother, but I really struggled with it because that meant that I was old. Well, I guess I am, but I didn’t want to be, if you get what I mean.

Rebekah was only home 24 hours and then had to go back into the hospital with an infection. The long labor caused this condition. They didn’t tell us it was sepsis at the time, but that is what she had. (So glad I didn’t know that because my Mom almost died from it a few years ago.) Of course this would happen the same weekend my brother and his family were in town to help me work on moving my Mom. So we were deep in the midst of moving and praying for my daughter to be healed quickly. Rebekah was able to come home after a few scary days. Baby was fine so that was a blessing!

We moved Leah home after graduation weekend, but our other daughter Sarah, who lives in Indianapolis, also needed help moving. There was no way this Momma could help, so my husband and some friends in Indianapolis came to the rescue. In a three week time period, two daughters moved, grandchild was born, one daughter got very sick after delivery and one mother was diagnosed with epileptic seizures and moved into assisted living. WHEW!!!!

I have had some rough times in my life, but this time is in the top 10. I am just now starting to feel like life is getting back to normal. (Whatever that is!) Thank goodness I had the foresight to start back into counseling in January. I knew that I needed help in dealing with my mother and her illness.

It is so hard not to respond and react without processing first and praying. When you have so many emergency moments, it is almost impossible not to go into hyper-drive! In the middle of a crisis, it is hard to remember what is true. What is going to get me through—God and His word are my rock. That is why I so desperately needed to process, pray and spend time with Him. You know how football players take a knee on the field? That is what I needed to do. “Take a knee and pray.”

And speaking of prayer, I need to reach out and ask for people to pray for me and help me. I have never been good at that. It is my stupid pride and also my lack of thinking that someone would want to help me. I mean, who wouldn’t want to help me? Well, maybe there are some, but I would like to think my friends are pretty awesome and would want to help if I would just ask. Two little words that are so hard for me. “Just ask.” Seems so simple doesn’t it? Or if you are like me, not so simple because that would lead me to a possible let down. What if someone says no or blows me off? Why then put myself through that? I am better to do it on my own. It is much safer that way. (Oh brother!) But, sadly that is how I feel most of the time.

Ann Voskamp states my feelings so well.”You can love your life and your people and feel the strange, lingering ache of loneliness in your bones. And if you were crumbling a little bit every-day—who would take the time to come find you and remind you? Who would stop what they’re doing to come see how your heart was beating, how you were being brave to keep being? So many people just trying to get somewhere, to get something done, they don’t really have time for anyone.”

I keep trying and trying to do things in my own power. To fix things for myself and others. And what do I have to show for it? Complete exhaustion. Tears flowing down my face because I can’t keep up. I can’t fix everyone’s problems. I can’t keep my Mom from getting old. I can’t control what happens to her. I have to take a minute— sit back and realize—that I am not supposed to. It isn’t my job. It is God’s.

Maybe I am like I am because I haven’t felt safe very much in my life. I have major trust issues. Maybe that is why I have a hard time reaching out. In my sub-conscious I think, “Can I really tell you how I feel or do I have to pretend that things are okay?” Voskamp expresses, “Maybe these days we’re all just looking for safe places more than ever. Maybe right now, we’re all parched for safe people.” I know I feel that way. How about you?

“Maybe the only way to begin breaking free is to lay open your willing hands and bear witness to the ugly mess of your scars. To trace them slowly and re-member what He says about you, even if you forget. This is about bravely letting our darkness be a canvas for God’s light. This happened so that the glory of God might be shown through even you.” Voskamp

And in all my insecurities, I need to realize that all the trying I have done these past few months, isn’t what matters the most. Because when you try, sometimes you are going to fail. But, that doesn’t matter either. What matters most is that I am loved by the God of the Universe. My insecurities and trying are based out of me not realizing that’s what I am. I am enough for Jesus. I don’t have to try. I am His beloved. I can’t break into abundant living until I realize that fact. Until I believe that I am worthy of that love.

Here is the honest truth. I am afraid of being broken. I am afraid of not being able to fix. I am afraid of my feelings and emotions, Why? Because then I am out of control of my life. And being out of control is scary for me.

But while reaching for God, I am encouraged by Him to fully feel. Voskamp’s words encourage me. “Feelings are meant to be fully felt and then fully surrendered to God. The word emotion comes from the Latin for “movement”—and all feelings are meant to move you toward God.”

Now, as I experience so many thoughts and emotions, I am going to allow them to move me towards God. I don’t want to hide from them any more. I need to explore them and ask God to help me with them. I am going to be honest and allow myself to feel.

Thank you for reading this post. This was a lengthy one! I hope my words are encouraging to you. Until next time……

I am sitting outside looking around at all the beautiful things that Spring brings. The trees blooming. The flowers coming up from the ground. The green grass. New life is everywhere. Then, I think about Jesus. I can’t help myself but think about Him. He is the author of new life because of what He did on that cross. He brings us new life, forgiveness of our sins, a way to live our lives that bring glory to Him. What He did has changed my life and the lives of so many people around the world. We have hope because of Him.

Before His crucifixion, Jesus met with his disciples for the “Last Supper”. “He took the bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body given for you; do this in remembrance of me.” Luke 22:19 Before He was forsaken. Before He was arrested. Before He lost His life, He sat down with the men—who He had deep relationships with—and broke bread knowing it was their last meal together.

There is so much symbolism here. I close my eyes and try to picture His hands tearing the bread apart. He was showing them that His body was going to be torn apart. Then they drank wine which was the representation of the blood He was going to spill for all mankind. I have read this story a thousand times but the breaking of the bread really speaks to me this year.

Jesus allowed Himself to be broken. He allowed the process and pain of crucifixion for us. He didn’t shield Himself from the things that happened to Him on the way to that cross! No self-preservation for Him. He literally gave His life away. He suffered a horrendous death on that cross for us. Sit there a minute and think about that. He breaks and gives away. WOW!

“Brokenness gives way to abundance.” Voskamp

It isn’t fun to be broken. Suffering is hard and painful. There are things in this world that have broken our hearts. I am learning that it is what I choose to do with my brokenness that matters. I feel abandoned, at times just like Jesus did on that cross, but “suffering is where God gives the most healing intimacy.”Voskamp

I can honestly say that my suffering has brought me an intimacy with Christ that I wouldn’t  have had without it. “There is a strange and aching happiness only the hurting know—for they shall be held.” I know that a “greater life rises from the dark.” Voskamp God can and will work through our dark times.

I have felt like a weirdo most of my life. I always knew I was different. I felt different. Everyone else seemed to be so normal. And then I met Jesus as a young teen and my life got even weirder. I wanted to study my Bible. I wanted to live my life for Christ. I was a teenager who wanted her friends to go to Bible studies and love Jesus. (Talk about weird!) Everyone else wanted to party and have fun. I wanted to evangelize! I didn’t drink and really had no desire to. I was and ever will be a Jesus freak. I knew deep down inside that there was no other way for me. I was completely sold out to Christ.

I am so thankful for all the things that pointed me to Jesus. The people He brought into my life. The friendships I had and still have. He supplied so many things to help me survive my home life. People didn’t talk about abuse like they do now. People didn’t talk about bad things that happened in the home. People didn’t talk about mental illness. You just didn’t feel free to be real. There weren’t many people I could share my feelings with because I was a really great pretender with everyone. I was so broken and didn’t know how bad it was.

My condition makes me think of Isaiah 61:1-3. ”Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted; to comfort all who mourn and provide for those who grieve; to bestow on us a crown of beauty instead of ashes; to supply oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. We will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor. “

I may be wounded. I may be hurting. I may be limping. I may be a weirdo. I may feel alone and overwhelmed. But, I am more than a survivor. I am a thriver. I may bleed. But like Jesus, I will rise. I keep waking up day after day putting one foot in front of the other. I keep looking to Jesus because He promises to draw close to me. He comforts me when I mourn. He supplies all I need.

The Christian life isn’t for sissies! It is hard to stay on the right path. It’s hard to keep your chin up. Most of the time I fail miserably, but I wouldn’t want to be without Christ in my life. I wouldn’t want to miss out on watching Him work in me or in others. I have wrestled with so many things but recently it has been this…”Am I more in love with self-preservation than with Savior-glorification?” Voskamp

Because of my childhood, I had to be in self-preservation mode. Nothing wrong with protecting yourself from someone who is trying to hurt you. But, that mode has continued on in my life and frankly it has interfered with my relationship with God. I wrestle with trust issues to be honest. When you are hurt over and over again it is really hard to trust. But, if I continue with self-preservation, then what am I really saying? I am saying I can’t trust God to take care of me and that isn’t good.

“To thrive, you must surrender to a kind of openness. You must surrender control and trust One who is in control, though you will be taken beyond what you can control and into a kind of brokenness, a brokenness that will hurt and yet be kind. A painful grace. This is being truly alive; surrender unshielded to the unknown—because there is a deeper Love that is knowable. And it is only possible to know the touch of His deeper love when you live without armor, vulnerable, exposed.” Voskamp

So this Easter season I am concentrating on Savior-glorification and asking the Lord to help me step away from self-preservation when it comes to Him and spiritual things. There is no one else in this world that has my best interest at heart more than Jesus. He is my protector. He is my deliverer. He is my my friend who loves me through all my hard times. He comforts me like no one else can.

I grew up thinking I had to be tough to survive. (Which is kind of true.) But, I was also made to feel and be vulnerable to my Savior. When I think about it, do I ever refer to Jesus as being tough? I don’t think so. When I think of Him, I think of love and sacrifice. I think of all that He did for others. I think of Him pouring Himself out for us. He broke for us. He gave His life away for us. And, that is who He is still today.

I yearn to be like Jesus. But, if I am honest, it is so hard because I fight self-preservation. Old habits die hard! I fight believing things can change. That I can change. That my God can raise beauty from the ashes. I know that He has done it before and He is still doing it today. I know but do I believe? That is the question.

So I am throwing myself at my Savior’s feet. I want to believe that He can raise me up from ashes. That is His business and that is what He does. I am going to thank Him for everything that He has done and is going to do even before He does it. I believe being thankful in all things is so important even though we might not feel thankful.

I am so in awe of Jesus and what He did for us. I love Him so much! I pray that you are drawing close to Him this Easter. I pray that you can lay your burdens down at His feet and worship Him for what He did on that cross.

Happy Easter dear friends! He is risen! He lives! Look for the beauty in the ashes! Until next time…..