Feeling safe has been something I’ve struggled with most of my life. If you’ve been abused or been through traumatic experiences, there is a deep part of you that doesn’t feel safe either. I think we can all agree that since we’ve gone through a pandemic, and now experiencing the way the world is rapidly changing, we struggle with feeling safe a lot more than we used to.

In order to understand why we have issues with safety, we have to understand why our brains and bodies work the way they do. I have been exploring this topic for several years for two reasons. The main reason was to heal, but to be perfectly honest, the other reason was to help me get over feeling like a weirdo for so many years. I just couldn’t feel safe even though I was safe.

I have to share some technical information, for just a bit, in order to explain why our brains and bodies work the way they do. So, bear with me. There is a nerve that runs behind our brains and down the back of our bodies to where the stomach is. It is called the vagus nerve. It is the longest cranial nerve in the body. There is a part of the vagus nerve that is called the vagal brake. It’s important to know about the vagus nerve and the vagal brake because they are instrumental in helping us stay in our window of tolerance. (WOT is where you are able to handle what is happening around you.) 

If your childhood was riddled with abuse, like mine, we didn’t receive the care and support we needed when traumatic experiences happened. Our vagal brake didn’t learn how to develop properly. Aundi Kolber explains, “We are like automobiles with super-charged acceleration but no brakes. Once the gas is pushed, our bodies may skyrocket out of our WOT (Window of Tolerance) and into hyperarousal even at the smallest scares. And because there are no brakes, we may not be able to slow down until we crash into a ditch.”

Because our vagal brakes weren’t developed properly and they were in emergency mode for so long in order to protect us, our windows of tolerance became very small. My body can be “set off” by trivial things because my poor vagal brake hasn’t had a “break” in years. (Just had to throw that in there!)

When our bodies are reacting with anxiety, depression, obsessive disorders, panic attacks, etc., our vagal brakes are at their limit. We don’t feel safe and our WOT barely exists. In order to help our window of tolerance grow, we have to learn how to communicate with our bodies.

But here is is the mistake that most of us make. We just want to “push through” instead of “deal with” what is happening inside us. “We want to move on, to not be affected by whatever caused us pain in the past, But the truth is, there is no bypassing the information from our bodies. We can’t logic ourselves into safety or out of trauma. Telling our bodies that we are safe and feeling safe are two very different things.” Kolber

“There is a high cost to chronic experiences of feeling unsafe.” Kolber  

Years ago, when I was experiencing horrible panic attacks, my body was reacting violently and I didn’t know what to do. I was being triggered and I didn’t have the knowledge to understand what was triggering me. I would berate my body for reacting the way it did. I would tell my body, “I don’t think I see danger. Why are you reacting this way? I just don’t understand what is making my heart race and you shake? Why in the world do you keep doing this?” It was a very scary and frustrating time in my life. 

When our bodies are screaming at us, we have to stop and listen. We can’t tell our bodies we are safe, if they don’t feel safe. We have to deal with what is going on inside our bodies. Do you see the difference?

“Quite literally, we cannot regulate our emotions, learn, or think rationally unless we feel a certain degree of safety.” Kolber 

There were so many issues that were triggering me when I was experiencing panic attacks. I didn’t know that the sound of my Dad’s voice really bothered the little girl inside me. All he had to do was say my name, with a certain tone in his voice, and I would be triggered with panic. I didn’t know about the parts inside me that needed someone to listen to them. I hadn’t realized yet, they needed to feel safe before they could communicate with me.

It took years to sift through all the things that were triggering me. I still get triggered, but I am finally learning what to do when it happens. I would like to share what I do now, in order to feel safe.

If I am getting out of my window of tolerance, I have to stop, sit and listen to what my body is telling me. If I can, I get away from everyone. I ask the part of me that is struggling, “What is wrong?” Then, I listen and I bring Jesus into the discussion because my relationship with Him is the safest relationship I have. There is usually a conversation between the part that is having issues, me, and Jesus. We talk until that part or parts are able to get relief and feel safe. This process works for me because it gives me a way to cope with what is going on inside my body. 

It takes time to develop the ability to talk to your parts. Be patient. Get alone as much as you can. Close your eyes, ask questions and listen. Be in touch with what answers are being given. Write down what is being said, so you can remember later. Sometimes we are completely unaware of what is triggering our bodies. Your parts need to know they are safe. They need to know you are there for them.

There are also grounding exercises you can do if you find yourself getting out of your window of tolerance. Here is the link to a post I wrote a few months ago. 

The Stories Our Bodies Tell

We can have hope because of the plasticity God placed inside us. “The ability to shift, change, and grow is a beautiful gift that our Creator gave us, facilitating many important processes in our body. Plasticity helps us heal from trauma and other types of pain. It is also what has actually allowed us to adapt and survive chronically disturbing, overwhelming, or traumatic experiences in the first place.” Kolber

There is no one like God. There is no one who will ride across the heavens to help you except God. There is no one who can make a way through all your issues, but God. No one can love you, forgive you, accept you, live inside you or walk beside you like God can. He holds the truth that we desperately need. He is our help. He is for us, not against us. And…He is the only One who can truly help us feel safe. 

“Because He bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath.” Psalm 116:2

Feeling safe is critical to healing. And because of Him, I can feel safe. He is making a way for us to feel safe. He will help us find our footing on rocky paths. We simply have to invite Him into our lives. Invite Him into our fears. Invite Him into what has happened to us. Invite Him into our pain, so we can heal.

We can heal. We can change the way our brain works. We can talk to our bodies and ask questions and find new ways to deal. We can have hope. We can feel safe. We can move forward. We can work through our trauma and come out on the other side of it. There is hope.

I would like to suggest one more thing, before I close. Years ago, I read Ann Voskamp’s book One Thousand Gifts. That book inspired me to start keeping a gratitude journal. I’ve talked about this before in other posts, but it seemed appropriate to mention it again. I try to write down three things, in my life, that I consider gifts every day. Doing this practice daily, has helped my brain focus on good things. Research shows that having an attitude of gratitude also helps our minds repair.

Trauma is not (and never was) a gift. But our bodies’ ability to adapt so that we can survive? That’s the gift; that’s grace. And it gives everyone of us a reason to hope.” Kolber

Your body is a gift. It has protected you and helped you. Tell your body you are thankful for all it has done for you and also thank God for giving you your body. We are truly… fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

Until next time dear friends. This is my journey to joy (and safety!)