I have shared with you my love for movies filled with intrigue and mystery. There is a movie called “A Few Good Men”. It is about the court- martial of two US Marines on trial for the murder of another marine. Tom Cruise plays the lead defense lawyer trying to exonerate the marines accused of the murder. While investigating the murder, he finds out that the marines were under orders by their commanding officer, played by Jack Nicholson, to commit the murder called a “Code Red”. Tom’s job is to get Jack Nicholson to admit that he issued the order to have the marine killed. There is an epic courtroom scene when Jack is on the witness stand and Tom is trying to get him to tell the truth. Tom yells, “I want the truth!” Jack responds by yelling, “You can’t handle the truth!”

I tell you about this scene in the movie, because I felt like I couldn’t be truthful with God about so many things. To be perfectly honest, that little girl was so frightened to share her feelings because she thought she would be in trouble if she did. I viewed God looking a lot like Jack Nicholson and as someone who yelled at me and was disappointed in me.  I wrote down, “Can God handle my feelings?” I wasn’t sure if He could handle them.  I feared his rejection because if I ever told my Dad how I felt and he didn’t like what I said, I was rejected. This goes along with the saying, “You can’t handle the truth!” I had so much anxiety over my feelings because I thought I was going to be in trouble for having them. I had so much trouble believing the truth about myself and about God.

God responded to me. “Laurie, I want you to be honest with me. I want you to tell me how you feel. I want you to find the truth that you are longing for. You will find truth in me. I will not reject you. In order for you to heal, you need to tell me how you feel about everything. I am here to work in you and give you the strength that you need. Rely on me. Please quit trying to live your life in your own power. You need my power. I want to take care of you. I will fix you. I will not fail you.”

I can’t tell you how much that little girl inside me needed to hear those words from her savior. She needed to especially hear, “I want to take care of you.” God wanted me to experience true fatherhood with Him. So, I responded, “I don’t want to be afraid anymore Daddy. I want to give you my heart and my feelings. I ask you to help me get over being so afraid. It hurts to be like this. Only you can fix me. I need you to give me special attention.”

I had developed a nasty habit of running myself into the ground trying to please everyone. I was in the midst of horrible panic attacks and they made me so scared that I just wanted to die! Every day was a battle for me. I didn’t feel like I deserved anything good. I was entering a new year and things weren’t changing as fast as I wanted them to. I was reading the Prayer of Jabez and this statement slapped me in the face. “Everything you do connected with God’s work will become much harder than it should be, and for no other explainable reason. You’ll be filled with emotional turmoil. You’ll feel overwhelmed, unworthy, confused, distracted, and full of doubt. You’ll want to quit; You’ll feel like you’re the wrong person for the job; You may even find yourself saying, “I’d rather just die.” Friend, these are Satan’s standard operating procedures. All believers who want to serve God in a significant way will face opposition of this kind, especially when we sign up to accomplish more for God, and it’s all with one end in mind-to make us quit.”

Boy did I need to read that! Just when I wanted to throw in the towel and yell ,”I give up!”, I read that statement. God seemed to always put things in front of me to keep me going. He always put scripture in my life for me to read and apply to my life.

Is. 30:18 “Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion.”

Ecc. 4:9-12 “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But, pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” 

2 Cor. 4:8 “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

I got this mental picture in my brain of God putting me in a little red wagon. He pulled me down the street in it. I was enjoying the view and I loved watching Him pull me in it. I felt safe. I felt loved. I knew when I allowed Him to guide me, I was going to be okay. As long as the ride lasted, that little girl was happy and was at peace. She was starting to view her heavenly father differently.

Until next time fellow sojourners!