Author: foolforchrist117

*First I need to say that the people you see in that picture are some of the greatest gifts I have ever received. This is my family. God gave me these beautiful people. I am proud to be their Mom, Mother-in-law, wife and soon to be Gigi! They all love Jesus and what a gift that is to me! I am so grateful for them! 

A few weeks ago I wanted to get my mind ready for Thanksgiving. I immediately thought of picking up the book “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp to help me get my mind focused on the things that I am thankful for. When I read the book the first time, it made such an impact on me because it changed the way I looked at my life. I was happier and felt more peace because I concentrated on giving thanks for everything and I mean everything in my life—meaning the good and the bad.

I hate to admit that I had gotten out of the habit of doing this in my life. I let my circumstances  discourage me instead of giving thanks for them. Why is it so hard to let things bring me down instead of give thanks for them? For me, giving thanks is a discipline. It doesn’t come naturally for me. But, I have learned that it is a necessity.

“Our fall is always first a failure to give thanks. A lack of doxology leads to depravity.” Voskamp  Just look at the world today and you can see the depravity. You can see the selfishness. You can see the “ungratefulness.” She says, “The real greats live gratefully.” I want to live gratefully. I want to be thankful because I know that it leads to joy.

“Joy is found at the table of thanksgiving. As long as thanks is possible, then joy is always possible.” Voskamp Thanks is the key to joy. When I named by blog “Journey 2 Joy” it was because I have been looking for that three lettered word for a very long time. Sometimes I think that I finally have it and then it goes away. I long for joy. I crave it. I know I can have it. It really is pretty simple— I need to be thankful!

While I was reading Ann’s book, I came across this sentence. “Fears have formed me.” Those four words really hit me because those words explain so much about who I am. I have been fighting my fears my whole life. But, I know that is not God’s plan for me. He doesn’t want me to be afraid. I have to focus on Philippians 4:8 “whatever is good, pure, lovely, think on these things.” And for me, that is hard to do.

I think that the holidays can be very difficult. I have unrealistic expectations and want everything to be perfect. I want everyone to get along and be happy 24/7. I want my life to be like a Hallmark movie where everything works out. I think I always have. I was wounded so much as a kid that I want things to be different for me now. Anyone else ever feel that way?

Ann asks this question in her book. “How long does it take your soul to realize that your life is full?” Let’s be honest. Think a minute. When was the last time your life felt full? I usually feel that way when I am with my kids and everyone is having fun and getting a long. I look at everyone and feel satisfied. I also feel this way when I am with the Lord and He is teaching me or when I am writing. But, moments are fleeting. My satisfaction needs to come from the Lord—not anyone or anything else all the time! Psalm 107:9

When I was growing up, I learned many bad habits in order to cope with a toxic home environment. One bad habit I formed was to be in a constant state of hyper drive. I was constantly waiting for the next bad thing to happen. I still fight that bad habit to this day.  My heart immediately goes to the dark side when bad things are happening. 

The reason why I mention this is because I am a work in progress. I want to help anyone who struggles as I do. I am learning that giving thanks is really the key to fighting all sorts of issues. I love Ann Voskamp’s advice—“Stay calm, enter the moment, give thanks.” The “staying calm” part is the real struggle for me. 

In the midst of the craziness of life, the only way I can survive is to have A LOT of time being still. I need time to be with my Lord. For me, that is how I calm my heart. When I get bent out of shape, it is usually because I haven’t had enough time alone with Him. I also use this time to count my gifts. I try to write down at least three gifts I recognize that the Lord has given me for that day. 

I started counting a few years ago when I read Ann’s book for the first time. I made it to 1,000 and then stopped. I should have continued doing it, but for some reason I didn’t. It took me several months to count 1,000 gifts, but during those months, my mind really changed. I was happier and more at peace than I had been in a long time. There really is something to counting gifts.

In order to receive the peace of God, we have to be thankful. They go hand in hand. There are many things that have happened in my life and I need to be thankful for the good and the bad. I know that is very hard! It is not easy, but I am willing to do it because I want to have peace. I want to experience joy. I want to trust that God works everything together for good. Romans 8:28 

I want an untroubled heart. Ann says, “An untroubled heart relaxes, trusts, leans assured into His ever dependable arms. “ Oh how I long to be able to do that! I want to believe the God I love. I want to trust His ways. I have to focus on His word and not on my circumstances. That is why counting helps. I focus on what He is giving me. He is giving me this very valuable book to read. He is giving me time with Him to learn and to write. He is always giving. I just need to look for it. I am asking for eyes to see Him and what He is doing in my life.

I have many scars from what has happened to me. I have always wanted them to go away. But now I am realizing that I need to look at them differently. What if I didn’t look at them anymore as something that is ugly? What if I looked at my scars as something beautiful because I need to see the beauty in the ashes?

There is beauty from my ashes. I am able to write about my experiences. It is too easy to forget these things and too easy to gloss over them. That is why I need to discipline my mind to remember and to count.

I know the season of Thanksgiving is over but it is never too late to start counting the gifts that God has given you. In fact, I am going to make counting a practice I do all year long. I got to 100 today and I am not going to stop this time at 1,000. I am going to keep going until the day I die. I would like to invite you to join me. Grab a notebook or journal and start writing your gifts down. Count them one by one. Watch what the Lord does in your heart. Look for Him. Look for the ways He loves you every day. You will get to the point where you can’t wait to sit and write them down.

I love you dear friends. I am going to leave you with this verse. Until next time….

Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow.”

Do you ever feel like you are in a stage of life where one thing after another keeps happening? That is how this last year has been for me. I just want to throw the covers over my head—hide in my room—and never come out. I study and read God’s word. I pray over and over again. It is so hard for me to put into words how I feel. I feel like I have been banging my head against the wall! (Maybe that’s why I can’t think straight.)

One morning last week, when I was studying “the Quest” by Beth Moore, she mentioned a verse that I have had trouble understanding for a very long time. James 4:2b “You do not have, because you do not ask God.” Is there anyone else out there that has had trouble with that verse too?? Because I do ask. I do pray. I talk to the Lord. But, after reading some of Beth’s very wise words, I have found out that I might just be asking for the wrong things.

These next words from Beth got my heart pounding. “Since we can’t avoid difficulties and sufferings, we can ask, seek, and knock with everything in us for every gorgeous thing that is ours in Christ, so that we not only can bear up in this race, we can shockingly thrive in it. No we will not always have fun, but, based on the authority of God’s Word, we can always abound.” Read that again.

So, sign me up for every gorgeous thing that is mine in Christ! I want to thrive! I want to abound! Beth states, “We have birthrights in Christ that can inject curious happiness into copious hardships. Let’s fight for them. Let’s fight for the things that make following Jesus so gloriously good that the sufferings won’t even be worth comparing.” I want my birthright! I want a curious happiness when I experience hardships because I definitely haven’t been happy with them. I whine. (Oh how I hate that about myself!) I complain. I feel sorry for myself. I feel defeated. UGH!

Are you ready for some spiritual truth? “So here are the seven graces that are our birthrights we need to fight for: Audacious Love, Ecstatic Joy, Unabashed Delight, Astonishing Faith. Unquenchable Hope, Extraordinary Fruitfulness, and Overflowing Gratefulness. Love, joy, delight, faith, hope, fruitfulness and gratefulness are the will of God for His children. We’ve got mounds of problems. We may as well take God up on heaps of privileges.” Moore

I sat there and let all of that information soak in my brain. (It takes awhile for me.) I do have lots of problems in my life. I always have and I always will. But, God gives me grace that I can count on to help me get through all the problems that I face. I really have never looked at it that way before. I would pray for my difficulties to get better, or for a person to change, or for me to change, or pray for certain answers to certain problems. I have never—and I mean never—realized what “I do not have because I do not ask” really means.

Yes, we should pray for people. Yes, we should pray for issues. But, sometimes we don’t see answers. Sometimes, we wait and we wait for answers for years. If we keep our eyes on the things that aren’t happening then that is not healthy. We get bogged down. I know I haven’t been thriving because I haven’t been asking for love or joy or delight or faith or hope or fruitfulness or gratefulness in my circumstances. I have been overlooking what God wants for me. I have been missing out on the beautiful birthrights I have in Christ my friends and maybe you have been missing out too!

I have seven beautiful privileges to ask for in my life. This gives me hope. Right before I started studying this particular part of “The Quest” study I was journaling. I was writing out many questions that I had for God. I am going to share some of them with you. “What lies am I believing Lord? Do I think that some day I actually won’t have problems in this world? I think I do. I want to be free of problems. How do I accept this life I am living? How do I come to terms with all the pain and sorrow? How do I keep putting one foot in front of the other? How do I change my mindset? How do I continue to deal with suffering for myself and others? How do I toughen my mind? I still believe in good. I still have trouble accepting all the bad. Should I? How do I stay hopeful? How do I keep my eyes on you?”

Because God is so good, right after I wrote all of those questions down, I read the part I shared with you in paragraph three above that got my heart pounding. That’s why I said to read it again. If you need to, go back up and reread it. The answer to my questions is to ask, seek and knock for all the beautiful privileges God has given me. Love, joy, delight, faith, hope, fruitfulness and gratefulness are now the things that I am asking for because it is the will of God for me. When we pray for the will of God in our lives, He will give it to us. I want happiness amidst my hardships. I want to thrive! I want to be a conqueror!

I just need to lay my problems and issues at the feet of Jesus. I need to give Him the things I yearn and pray for. Sometimes I care too much. I yearn too much. I want to see change. I need to let go! I care so much about people, but it can be really hard on me. I want change for people so much that I ache inside. I have seen so much destruction. But, I need to entrust the Lord to work and I need to back off and pray.

I am asking for the Lord’s truths and promises to invade my bones. I have let too many issues and problems weigh me down for too many years. I think a lot of my issues stem from a Dad I couldn’t trust. That has been difficult to overcome with my heavenly Father. I am praying for God to get me over that feeling. I can trust Him. I can entrust Him to work in my life and the lives of everyone I care so deeply about.

I am a visual person. That can be good and that can be bad. I focus too much on what I see or can’t see. I have to trust that God is working even when I can’t see it. Instead of getting discouraged, I need to ask for joy or hope or love or faith or gratefulness or all of the above to thrive in my circumstances.

It is almost Thanksgiving. It is a time of year for us to focus on what we are thankful for. I am so thankful for the truth that God shows me on a daily basis. I would like to encourage all of us to focus on those things and ask for overflowing gratefulness this next month. Beth states, “Grateful people are the loveliest humans on planet Earth. They smile easy, eyes crinkling, like they know something the rest of us don’t. They delight easy. They manage to retain a certain playfulness and childlike sense of wonder that make them sparkle like fireflies in a world of hornets.”

I want to be a firefly that sparkles for Jesus. Can you imagine what a change we could make in our world if we were just grateful??? I remember reading Ann Voskamp’s book “One Thousand Gifts” a few years ago. Each chapter is a reflection of finding everyday graces. I bought the one with a journal in the back where you could fill in 1,000 lines with 1,000 gifts from God. It took me awhile to fill in all the lines, but what it did was make me grateful not only for the good but also for the bad. My heart became happy. I need to revisit this book and writing down all the daily gifts God gives me. Writing my blessings down, really does make a difference. It needs to become a habit of mine again. 

Today, I would like to you ask you to join me in praying for audacious love, ecstatic joy, unabashed delight, astonishing faith, unquenchable hope, extraordinary fruitfulness and overflowing gratefulness in our lives. Let’s take God up on the privileges He has for us. It is our birthright as children of God. May we shine like fireflies for Him!

Until next time dear friends……

*I would love to hear your stories of what happens when you count your gifts or claim your birthrights in Christ!

Do you feel like sometimes your life is just a mess? You look around you and you see chaos everywhere. So many questions that aren’t settled. So many people having issues. It makes you afraid of what is going to happen next. Boy, have I been there and lately it seems like I am right in the middle of a lot of yuck! I try to find the positive but it is hard! Fear is banging on my door.

In the midst of this madness, I hear God’s voice saying,” I want you to come to me as a child. I want you to see me as your Father. I hear you. I see you. I want you to run into my arms and tell me your problems. Ask me questions. You are free to speak here with no condemnation.”

You see, I really didn’t get a chance to be a child. I was forced into adulthood at a very young age. I became responsible. I became a pleaser and a pacifier. I wanted to keep peace on the home front so my father wouldn’t erupt. I didn’t ask because I knew what the answer was going to be. If I wanted something—I would figure out a way to get it. I was afraid to tell the truth. There were bad consequences for the truth. So you can imagine the unhealthy habits that developed over the years in my life.

God has been showing me lately that He wants me to ask. He not only wants me to ask—but boldly ask. He wants me to look into His eyes as my loving Father and tell Him what is troubling me. Have you ever noticed how many questions Jesus asked His people? He was constantly asking questions. He was also constantly answering most of them. He wanted people to pursue answers.

I learned from Beth Moore that Jews are traditionally taught to question in order to learn more deeply. “Judaism tends to encourage individuals to explore their own personal relationship with God.” I am a person that learns from asking questions. I want to know more—so I ask. I know I probably ask too many questions, but I want to know answers. I love discovery. I feel like you grow more when you ask. Sometimes you get an answer and sometimes you have to keep searching.

While studying “The Quest” by Beth Moore I was reminded of a story about Jesus.The story is in Luke 2:41-50. Jesus and His family were in Jerusalem for the Feast of the Passover. He was twelve years old at the time. After the Feast was over, His parents, relatives and friends left town to return home. It took them a day to realize Jesus wasn’t with them and that He was still in Jerusalem. It then took them three days to find Him. (If you have ever lost your child for over a minute you know the sheer panic in your heart. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world!) They finally find Him in the temple courts, sitting with the teachers, listening to them and also asking questions. Of course, everyone was amazed at His knowledge of the scriptures.

The one thing that hits me the most about this story is the fact that God Himself in human form was asking questions. He knew the answers—but He was asking. Doesn’t that make you pause? I think He was genuinely interested in knowing what the teachers thought. He wanted to know where they were coming from in their faith and interpretation of the scriptures. I can just picture Him listening intently to them talk and answer His questions. He wanted to know where they were coming from. That picture gives me great comfort because it shows how much He wants to know us—and even more—He wants us to know Him.

When you are walking down the street—and you see someone you know—what is the first thing you normally say? “Hello! How are you?” You are immediately approaching someone with a question. When you are studying or doing homework, the majority of the time you are answering questions. That is how you are learning. (I am having another “AHA” moment.) We don’t learn, unless we ask. We don’t get answers, unless we ask. Most of my spiritual growth has been because I dared to ask. This study I am in called ”The Quest” is about asking questions because learning is an adventure. Beth states, “Nothing swings a door wide open like a question.”

I have to share with you a verse that I just read in my study. I Peter 3:15 “But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.” This verse made me say,“OUCH!” (I am so convicted!) Most of the time I don’t feel like my brain remembers that I have hope in Christ. I usually respond with all the things that are wrong in my life. I get so overwhelmed that I forget about the hope that I have in Christ. And then there is the gentleness and respect part. WOW! Do I respond that way most of the time? (There are tears in my eyes!) It is important to ask questions, but it is equally important to have the right response.

When God decides to point something out to me that I need to deal with—like He did just now—I need to respond with the right attitude. I am actually responding with an apology. I am telling Him how sorry I am that I have been so negative. It is so easy to let hope get sucked out of my life! It happens before I even realize it. I get in a negative pattern and my thoughts go to the dark side. Does anyone else out there feel that way? Hope is hard!

Hope is hard because I tend to look around me instead of look within me. I forget to remember the things that the Lord has done for me. I dwell on what isn’t happening instead of what He is doing. My hope must be based on Christ—not on anything else. His love, devotion, caring, kindness, teaching, answering and listening to me is where my hope comes from. I want to get to the point where my circumstances aren’t ruling my thinking. I know God is working. I know God is teaching. I know God is answering. I know His answers are perfect–even if His answers are “Wait!” or “No!” (Those are the hard ones!)

The point is—He answers. Sometimes we don’t like the answers, but He always does so with gentleness and respect. That is the kind of God that He is. He doesn’t ask us to do anything that the Holy Spirit can’t help us do. I am proof of that!

I hope this post has made you think about asking and answering questions. The hardest part of my journey has been to realize that I have a heavenly Father who wants me to ask questions. He longs to give me answers and in the process teach me great things. My journey has been hard! I am not gonna lie! But the spiritual ground I have gained because of it is priceless.

I love adventures. I love seeing new things and learning new things. I don’t want to ever stop! I will be on this journey until God calls me home—and then an even greater adventure will begin!!!! I will get to be with my Savior and sit at His feet and ask as many questions as I want to—or I will probably just sit in wonder of all that I see. (I will be speechless for the first time in my life! ha ha! That in itself is a wonder!)

I am going to leave you with verse that brings so much hope to me. I hope it does for you too!!! Until next time dear friends and thanks for reading!

Isaiah 43:19 “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” I am praying that we can see what He is doing in all of our lives!! If we can’t—then ask for eyes to see!

I turned 59 two days ago. It is hard to believe that I am that old. In my mind, I am still in my twenties. I still love to do silly things. I love being spontaneous. I love going on adventures. I love listening to the music of my youth. I still have dreams and aspirations. I still want to do so many things. I can get kind of freaked out when I dwell on my age because I am definitely closer to the end of life than the beginning.

I was reminded recently—while studying the story of Abraham and Sarah—that good things can still happen when you are old. So, hopefully this post will be an encouragement to those of you out there that are in the same age category that I am in. I have known this story for a long time, but God always manages to show me new things whenever I study.

To refresh your memory or if you are hearing about this story for the first time, it begins in Genesis 17. Abraham was 100 years old and his wife, Sarah, was 90 years old. They thought their child bearing years had come and gone. Abraham is told by God that they were going to have a child. Abraham then falls face down and laughs. He also says to himself, “Will a son be born to a man a 100 years old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of 90?”(verse 17) God goes on to tell Abraham that He was going to establish an everlasting covenant with his son. God even tells him to name him Isaac.

Then we go to Chapter 18 of Genesis, when three visitors come to visit Abraham. Sarah is listening at the entrance of the tent and hears that she is going to have a child. Sarah, thinking that she was way beyond capable of getting pregnant and having a child, laughed. She thinks to herself, “After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?”(verse 12) (If I were told at the age of 90 I was going to have a child, I would do more than laugh!)

Then God asks Abraham why Sarah laughed and says, “Is there anything too hard for the Lord?” (God knew she was listening at the door!) God goes on to tell Abraham that He would return next year and Sarah would have a son.

There is a reason why I have to share this story. When God impressed on my heart that I needed to write a blog, I laughed. I told him there was no way I could do it. I didn’t feel like anyone wanted to hear what I had to say. I still have to remind myself that this is what He has called me to do. I want all of you out there that are getting older or are in impossible situations to know that God can do the impossible. (Even when we think He can’t.) There are tons of stories in the Bible that prove that theory! There are also tons of stories from people we know that prove that theory. I want to encourage you to believe that God can do the impossible in our lives. He has done it many times in mine.

This story hits home to me because I still want to do so much for the Lord. There are still so many dreams that seem unattainable to me. I want to write a book or a devotional. I want to help people with my story and what God is teaching me. I want to move out of my comfort zone. But, I don’t see how that is going to happen. I can’t see how I am going to do it. But, God has put that desire in my heart and I am going to trust Him to do what seems impossible to me. (I am way out of my comfort zone sharing this with you.)

I have shared my dreams and had someone laugh at me. It hurt. But, it also fueled a passion deep within me. I have also gone through phases of giving up. I have asked many questions of the Lord. Lots of whys, when, where, how and what? I have begged and pleaded. But, I know that sometimes He answers and sometimes He is just waiting. (That’s the hard part!) I just want to tap my watch and say, “You know I’m not getting any younger, Lord. We need to get moving here!” But He just wants me to trust. And, that is exactly what Abraham did. He trusted. He trusted God to come through on His promises.

Thank goodness God is patient with our questions and our doubts. Exodus 34:6-7 “ Yahweh is a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger and rich in faithful love and truth, maintaining faithful love to a thousand generations, forgiving wrongdoing, rebellion, and sin.” He is nothing like any human being we know. He is perfect and good. He does no evil. He listens and He cares. What bothers us, bothers Him. He rejoices over us! How often do you see someone rejoicing over you? (I love picturing Him doing that!)

I want to go back to the Abraham and Sarah story one more time. There is one more gem to mention. I learned about this from the Beth Moore study called “The Quest.” God confronted Sarah about laughing at the entrance to the tent. She tried to deny the fact that she laughed, but God knew she did. He confronted her and she was afraid to admit the truth. I am assuming she thought she was going to be in trouble. God confronted her, but didn’t condemn her. I think that is quite interesting. How many times have you or I been afraid to admit the truth because we thought we would get into trouble? I know I have many, many times.

Sarah states in Genesis 21:6 “God has brought me laughter and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.” God told Abraham the child was to be called Isaac, which just so happens to mean “he laughed.” Do you think there is a concept that God wanted them to learn? Every single time they said Isaac’s name they were reminded that they laughed at God when He told them they were going to have a child.

When I look back at the things that God has done, I smile. I laugh. It brings me so much joy. At the time, I thought there was no way in the world things were going to work out. I laughed at the mere suggestion of Him asking me to do something that was different or hard. I remember shaking my head several times over things he asked me to do. “Really, Lord. You want me to do ________? I can’t do that. There is no way this is going to happen or work out. I just can’t.” He has been so patient with me. He has loved me and waited for me to come around.

I am writing this post as much for me as I am for you. I need to be reminded and encouraged that God is not through with me yet. There are things He wants me to do and I want to do them. You know what really makes me smile? Time with Him. Watching Him work. Learning and listening to Him. I love Him so much! I just want more and more of Him. I want to laugh with Him and see His face smile down on me.

I hope I am an encouragement to you. God isn’t finished with us yet! There are still things to do! God is working and I want to be part of that work. Thank you for reading my post. Keep believing this verse. Genesis 18:14 “Is there anything too hard for the Lord?” Give Him your impossible situations. I know how hard it is, but I wouldn’t want anyone else in charge of my life!

Until next time….  

I have been in a wrestling stage of life lately. When I say that, I mean there have been some issues that I have been wrestling with God over. I have been at my wits end. I have been paralyzed with emotions. I haven’t been able to write. I have been dealing with so many things that have made me crazy. I am in the “fake it till you make it” mode.

It seems like whenever I am in a difficult stage of life, Satan pounces on me with many lies. He knows how to get to me. So, I have to fight back with God’s word and what it says. Sometimes just reading scripture makes me feel so much better and it gives me the ammunition I need to survive. And also one of the best ways I know to fight the enemy is to do a Beth Moore Bible study! I felt led to start “The Quest” study a few weeks ago because it is geared towards intimacy with God and who doesn’t need more of that!

One of the ways to gain intimacy with anyone is to ask questions. That is how you get to know someone better. Now, I have always been a person who asks a lot of questions. I like to get down to the nitty gritty. I want to know answers. I want to know people. I like hearing people tell me things about themselves. I am one of those people who strikes up conversations with complete strangers. Ask my kids. They have seen me do this many, many times. (I can see their eyes rolling right now!) I just like to talk–I guess– but I also like to listen. I like to learn. I like to understand. So, when I come across things that are perplexing to me, I go into crazy mode to find the answer.

Beth points out in the beginning of the study that God wants intimacy with us. He wants interaction with us. He wants us to communicate with HIm. He wants us to verbalize our feelings even though He already knows what they are. He wants us to get things out in the open. He wants honesty. Now I don’t know about you, but sometimes that is hard for me, especially when I am really mad and hurt. I have to remember who I am talking to. I am talking to my Father who is good and loving and kind. I have to see myself as His child whom He loves.

“Who you increasingly believe God to be and, in His light, believe yourself to be is not only fundamental to intimacy, it is fundamental to victory.” Moore So, I have been  asking myself questions as well. Who do I believe God to be? How do I believe He sees me? My answers to those questions help me connect my identity to Christ.

Here are some gems I discovered about God that I wrote in my journal. “You will be with me wherever I go. You are my God. You will strengthen me and help me and uphold me. You have redeemed me. You have summoned me by name. There is no one else like you. You are pleased to give me the kingdom. You give me peace. You don’t give as the world gives. You don’t want my heart to be troubled and You don’t cause me to be afraid. You have me in the palm of your hand. There is no one else like you. You are righteous and just. You ride across the heavens to help me. No one else knows me or loves me like You do. You are faithful. Your are devoted to your people. You are full of blessings. You keep your promises. You watch over your children.” I could go on and on and on. He is so wonderful!

I have been blasted so many times by the enemy because of my fearful thoughts. I know God did not give me a spirit of fear. Fear is from the enemy. Moore states, “Fear is the consummate robber.” She goes on to explain the distinction between a thief and a robber. “A thief works by stealth and a robber works by threat. A pickpocket is a thief. At the time of the crime the victim is oblivious. A robber, on the other hand, confronts and threatens. He wields a weapon, be it literal or psychological. Sometimes the robber follows through on the threat. But what he is banking on is the success of the threat.”

When I read those words it helped me make sense out of my fears because I grew up with a “robber” as a father. There were physical or psychological threats on a daily basis. I didn’t realize how much of a robber he was, until I read those words. A light went off inside me. (I had a “AHA!” moment) My fears made so much more sense to me. My Dad got away with so much because we didn’t know how to stop him. How do you stop someone who was so good at masking his behavior to others? He made us all crazy and full of fear!!! When you grow up with someone like that as your Dad, it messes with you.

Beth states, “Fear and faith fight for the same space. Each is territorial. They cannot be roommates. They will not coexist.” For years, that battle between faith and fear has been going on inside me. That’s why my body has fallen apart and my mind has too. I have had many ups and downs. But, I am determined to not give up! I am not going to allow what has happened in my past to dictate my future. I will not let Satan have that victory in my life. I want to please the Lord and I want faith to rule in my life.

I am learning that it is okay to ask questions of God. It is a great way to build intimacy with Him. Sometimes I get answers and sometimes I don’t. Jesus says in Luke 11:9, “So I say to you; Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.” (Sometimes I am pounding on that door!) I also just realized that the first letter from ask, seek and knock spells ASK. How have I not seen that before? So, I think maybe God is trying to tell me something. I know I settle way too much for the way things are instead of asking for things to change or for me to change. (Usually I am the one that needs to be changed!)

I think this is a profound statement by Beth Moore. “The human soul was fashioned to prize discovery above luxury.” I can honestly say that is what I prefer. I want to discover all the wonderful things about God that I possibly can. The older I get, I just want more of Jesus! I would rather have revelations than answers. I want Him to reveal things to me. I want spiritual change.

I want all of you to know that I find no satisfaction in talking about my Dad the way I have to. I only share this because I am lead to. I don’t know many people in my immediate circle of friends that were raised like I was, but I know that there are a lot of hurting people out there that need help. That is why I write. I want you to know that I care and I want to help. Following the Lord is the only way I have survived. I could easily have been a statistic without Him in my life.

I want you to know that God sees you and He sees me. Hagar beautifully states in Genesis 16:13 “You are the God who sees me.” An angel of the Lord pursued her after she ran away from Sarah who was mistreating her at the time. God sees what is going on. He knows what is happening. Because of sin and free will, we all suffer under the hands of evil people. There is no way to get around it. But, we do have someone to turn to. Someone who can help us get through the difficult things in life.

I know how hard it is to keep moving forward day after day when you feel like dying. It is the most miserable feeling in the world. I have had many, many days like that. I recently read about a pastor in California that ended his life because he suffered from depression and anxiety. I know all too well what that feels like. My heart breaks for his family. If you know someone who suffers with both or either one, please pray for them. Please pray for me.

I have had to take medication, been diagnosed with PTSD, gone through intense counseling, EMDR therapy, exercise and eat healthy. I have poured into books and Bible studies and spent hours with the Lord. I don’t regret any of it. It has brought me to where I am today. Have I felt like giving up? YES. But I have a determination to seek the Lord like crazy and I am blessed He made me like this. 

I have realized that there aren’t clear cut answers for so many things. I will never understand why people are evil and cruel. But, I realize that I need more of Jesus in my life. More of the Holy Spirit to give me the ability to live my life. More revelations! More time spent in His word. More focus on Him because He truly is the answer. Just recently, I had to ask myself if I wanted an answer more or if I wanted Jesus more. I finally was able to say that I wanted Jesus more. (Sometimes it is really hard to have an inquisitive mind.)

I have always kind of felt guilty about all the questions and wrestling that I have done. Beth made me feel so much better when I read this: “In the very same breath Abraham brought questions, he breathed faith. Feeling conflicted and confused is not the same as faithlessness. It takes faith to wrestle with doubt.” THANK HEAVENS!

I know this post was a little lengthy, but I felt the need to share so much this time with you. If you are wrestling like I have been, hang in there! Keep talking to God. He will reveal things to you. Keep at it! Don’t ever stop! There is light at the end of the tunnel. I am experiencing that light right now and it feels so good!

Until next time dear friends……