My family has struggled with different types of mental issues since I was a little girl. Because of my personal experience, I am convinced that our society doesn’t value the work it takes to heal. I do believe that there is definitely more awareness of mental illness, especially since COVID. But, there are still many people, who I’ve encountered, that think people that struggle with this type of illness should be able to get over their issues and move on. 

I just have to say this loud and clear. If you’ve been belittled or made to feel shame for your issues….. HEALING IS A LIFE LONG JOURNEY!  

I’ve felt deep shame for having “issues” from being abused. People have also made me feel like something is wrong with me. I understand why so many people don’t talk about what is really going on inside their bodies and maybe you’ve felt the same way too. We are afraid to open up and ask for help because we feel like people are going to think we are weird. We’re afraid of what others are going to think, or say, so we just suffer in silence.

We can’t let this continue. We must be supportive and loving. There is a very high percentage of people who are losing their lives because they don’t feel like it is safe to open up and be heard. Have you ever been in a group of people and someone is brave enough to open up about something they are struggling with? Then, someone else will chime in and share what they have been struggling with. Then someone else does the same. It’s a beautiful sight to see! That’s what we need more of!!!

We need people to be real with one another. It took me years, and I still struggle, to be real. I understand how hard it is! No one has your story. No one has the right to belittle you. We need your authenticity. 

“When authenticity threatens attachment, attachment trumps authenticity.” Gabor Maté

When I read this quote, I knew that statement was completely true because I’ve lived my life trading authenticity for attachment. And because of that decision, I lost myself. I became a pleaser and performer so I could connect; so I could be seen; so I could hear, “Great job!”; so I could be noticed; so I could be safe. 

I’m going to let you see how the little girl part of me lived her days. “Look at me. Look at what I did. Aren’t you pleased with me? Did I do a good job? Does this make you happy? If it doesn’t make you happy, then I will try something else to make you happy. I will do what it takes to make you happy because if you aren’t happy, then my life will be miserable. Why can’t you love me? What is wrong with me? I am trying so hard to please you and nothing seems to work!”

That little girl lived every single day trying to attach herself to her parents, especially her dad, so he would notice her in a positive, not negative, way. That was the only way she knew how to live. And, to be perfectly honest, I still struggle with that pattern of living. That pattern of living has affected every relationship I’ve ever had. I will do what I have to do to make things work; even if it means losing myself.

“If a person has learned to please other people (fawning) as a way to navigate an unsafe household, they may not be able to recognize when the way they are genuinely caring for others is beginning to personally harm them.”  Kolber

If you’ve been trading authenticity for attachment, you’re nodding your head in agreement with the fact that we’ve been harming ourselves for a very long time. Our response as a pleaser and performer is our way of responding to trauma. It is the way we attach ourselves to others when we get triggered. We’ve lived this way for so long in order to survive that we need a new way to deal. A healthy way to be. We need to learn a new way to respond instead of killing ourselves to make other people happy.

“But if the body automatically defaults to putting others before ourselves, no matter the cost, the action is rooted in a trauma response and can be harmful.” Kolber

That’s why listening to our bodies is so important. Our younger parts need us to listen to them. They need us to come along side and help them. We need to bring truth into the picture. My younger self gets stuck in making sure everyone else is okay so she can be okay. I have to help her get unstuck because that has been her trauma response to problems since she was a little girl.

If you are struggling in this area, I would like to share what I am doing to heal. (This is tough to share, but I want to help you, if you’ve felt like I have).

I take time to talk to that little girl inside me. (I always have my journal handy to write things down). I close my eyes and I go to her in my mind. I also ask Jesus to be with us so HE can help with HIS words and HIS love. I ask her what I can do to help. 

When I asked her how she was feeling the other day, this was her response to me. She said, “I have deep, sad feelings for not being valued by others, so that is why I kill myself to please them. I just want to be noticed, loved and accepted. I long to be valued for who I am. I’m just a little girl. I’m doing the best I can. Why can’t they see that? Why do they expect me to be perfect all the time? Why isn’t what I do good enough? Why can’t they see how hard I’m trying?”

“We can tell ourselves that we have value, but its a whole different thing to experience a visceral connection as you speak those words, knowing they are true. When we are writing a new story, we will have the best results when the narrative is rooted in an experiential process. The words we speak to ourselves and others always matter because they communicate some degree of truth or intention. However, if they are not grounded in something that feels true in our bodies, they won’t stick.” Kolber

The little girl inside me knew I could relate to her feelings. I knew her words rang true. I wanted to honor what she was saying because her feelings mattered to me because she is a part of me. The only way parts of our bodies will heal is if they are grounded in what we are telling them is true. 

For me and maybe for you, the lie she believed for many years, was the feeling that she wasn’t good enough. Because if she were, she would have been treated so much better than she was. That was the lie that little girl carried.  

So, we have to write new stories with our bodies. A story that rings true and feels true inside us. We have to listen, honor and connect with our bodies. God made our bodies to heal. That’s why body work is so important because that is where our emotions, feelings and trauma live. Our minds can block things out, but our bodies never forget what happened to us.

If we continually look to people to make us feel good about ourselves, we are going to be greatly disappointed. I personally know that doesn’t work. We have to look to our Savior, the One who truly loves us and cares for us. We have to get our identity from Him.

He tells us… We are chosen and dearly loved.Colossians 3:12  We are not alone. Hebrews 13:5 We are safe. 1John 5:18  We are secure. Ephesians 2:20  We are overcoming. 1John 4:4  We are chosen. 1Peter 2:9  And so much more!!!!!

For me, living to please others has been a miserable way to live because they are never pleased. I know how easy it is to let attachment be more important than authenticity. I continually struggle in this area. I’ve been listening and talking a lot to that little girl who fights to believe what God says and what I say is true. She wants her value and worth to ring true inside her. She knows I am here to help and so is her Savior.  She doesn’t want other people to dictate who she is. Her authentic self is who Jesus says she is.

I just have to say this… If you are fighting to overcome anything in your life, you are brave. If you are seeking help from a counselor, you are strong. If you are taking medicine to help you in this difficult time, you are gutsy. If you are reading, studying, learning and seeking a counselor, you are courageous. Now, I have to pause and say those words to myself.

This post is an extremely personal one. That little girl wants to trade in attachment for authenticity. She wants a new story. Jesus and I will fight for her to hear words that ring true in her soul.

As I end this post, I would like to reiterate how important it is for us to support and love one another. Everyone has issues. We need to listen and do what we can to help. Please be careful with the words that come out of your mouth! People are hurting out there and we want to be beacons of light not messengers of darkness.

I am definitely not perfect in this area, but I am really trying to think before I speak. I’ve seen and experienced the damage that words can do to someone. The hateful words my brother heard, and thought about himself, killed him way before he pulled the trigger. I’ve spent my lifetime dealing with the same damage that came from our abusive father.  

Proverbs 12:25 “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.”

Ephesians 5:32 “Be kind a compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Until next time dear friends. This is my journey to joy!

I would also like to recommend reading, “Try Softer” and “Strong Like Water” by Aundi Kolber.